CAAW

Well, I met with my counselor yesterday and realized I had taken a step back. My AH and I got the chance to go out on a "date" without the children. I wanted to do dinner and a movie. My AH wanted to go out with my nlaws and "party" have some dinner and several drinks.
He said he would do what I wanted to do, but I knew if I were to have him go to dinner and a movie he would be crabby all night and it would just turn into a fight.
So I went ahead and went out and had dinner and several drinks. We didn't do much except hang out and have drinks and talk.
The problem is I basically said his behavior is okay because I went out and drink with him. Actually, I think he wants me to drink more so I can't call him out on his EVERYDAY drinking. Even though I only drink maybe twice a month IF even that much.
So on with what happened tonight....
He goes out and golf's every Wed. he drinks while he golf and then usually goes to the bar afterward. He said if I had dinner waiting for him he might come home after golf more often instead of going to the bar. Well, tonight I told him I would cook dinner. I told him what I was making and he said that wasn't good enough. He said he could go to the bar and get a better meal. So that is what he did. He got home fairly early around 10:30pm, but of course he was hammered. I have a tendency to get on him when he gets home and am lucky that one of my friends just told me to avoid him and for some reason for the FIRST time EVER I ignored him and didn't say a word. He even did several things I think trying to get me to say something...I was super angry, but I still kept my mouth shut.
I think what made me keep control of my emotions is I am finally starting to get healthy. He won't remember it in the morning though...

Anyway, I am really starting to open my eyes. I don't know if I am there yet, but I am willing to keep working toward getting healthy and being able to make the difficult decision to leave. If he chooses to get healthy then maybe we can salvage our marriage and family, otherwise it will have to come to an end.
I am not ready just yet, but I know this is going to be what I work towards.

Talking to the counselor, I told him as I make healthy choices it is going to cause conflict between me and my AH. I told the counselor fighting with him because I am making healthy decision is going to be "HELL" He pretty much said pick my hell...do I want to be in an unhealthy relationship for the rest of my life and expose my children to that...OR do I want to face this and deal with the pain to get to the HEALTHY "payoff" which is having my children and myself in a healthy relationship.

Anyway, I am going to choose the Healthy path. I just need a little more time to get there. I am not saying it'll be easy, but in the end I am thinking it WILL be worth it......

So that's where my mind is right now. Let's hope I continue to get healthy.

Thanks to everyone out there that responded to my original post. Your comments and feedback were overwhelming, but I needed that to help push me to my next step....

Also, sometimes this whole thing doesn't even seem real or that it could be happening to me, but it is and I have to remember that and "deal with it"

Still Waters

Hey, I like your counselor

Hang in there, it does get better, I promise.