IPT

So, my xagf's B-Day is this weekend. I am struggling. Last year for her B-Day we went out to her favorite restaurant. Her family was supposed to come with us. Her mom and sister decided they were too tired and bailed on her at the last minute. In fact, when we picked up her brother he was the one to tell us they decided not to come (they were just sitting upstairs planning something). They didn’t even come out or anything.

At the end of the night she said several things to me; “I am 30 now. I need to start acting like and adult and become responsible”, “This was the best Birthday I ever had and half my family was not even there”, “my mom and sister just use me, when am I ever going to learn?”, and “I can’t believe how much money I wasted on Pot and my family, I never even knew I wanted to own a house”.

Fast forward a year and she has now been out of work for at least 5 months (not sure if she got a job in the past few weeks).Her smoking is as bad if not worse. Her smoking is as bad if not worse and I think she was expanded to other drugs. Due to her not following thru on things and not respecting my boundaries regarding what I need in a relationship (reliability) it is dead (at least on paper…not totally in my thick skull).

So there is this strong part of me that wants to send her an email asking her if she remembers saying those things and how it’s working out for her. I don’t know what I am trying to prove or get from this. I am trying to learn about me and why I did the things I did. Is this the co-dependant me pointing out her errors and ways? That she is not where she wanted to be? Then I struggle with if I should just send a happy b-day text. I feel bad not acknowledging her Birthday. She was important to me and I want her to know that I was and still am someone who is responsible and cares about her (unlike others around her). Then that could open up contact. It would be hard almost no matter what she said. And I would then start the whole waiting game for a response that may never come starting my misery all over. Deep down I know I shouldn’t do it, but I am having an internal struggle about it.

Abundance

IPT... speaking of internal struggles.........


What are 5 things your inner critic would say about you - to you?

Name the 5 top things.

You don't have to post them..... but when you have done it - I'll give you the next exercise.



As for contacting your *x*..... what are you really wanting to get out of it? You want her to know that you still are responsible and care about her? How responsible do you look when you are wanting to involve yourself with someone like herself..... who btw - is DOING the very same thing BUT with HER family!

Really - what are you getting out of holding onto her? Man........ You are using up all your good "ju ju" on someone who is an "idea"... where YOU are the real deal! Really - IPT - if your son were involved with someone like your "x" - how would that be for you? Or someone else you care about is in your same shoes. By taking yourself out of it.... what do you see?

Like Anvil has said, as well as, many on here...... it's not IF...... it's what "IS".......

YOU are who your friends are! Here you are this responsible, caring, loving, kind person...... and your choice IS?

If you want to "show" her how much you care about her - then you show her by first caring about you. You show her by DOING..... by showing her that it's a whole lot LESS painful taking yourself away from the pain than continuing on through it. It's the detachment that is the hardest part. Do you agree?

Why put yourself out there to only open up more expectations?

Also - do you really think that she needs someone to remind her of how great something was compared to now, i.e. ? Well - if you really want to show her... then SHOW her....... and that showing starts with showing her that you are worth more than what she is able to give you, at this time. That your energy is no longer to be wasted.

And - to answer your question - do I think it's the codie in you to have this inner conflict.... NO. I think it's the Recovering Codie to have the inner conflict. The "codie" would not allow for the conflict and would pass red and GO..... meaning... no thought to it... a codie WOULD call to remind how much better their life is by doing xyz.

IPT - there is truth to loving someone to death. It could be her... or it could be you......you get it?

The BEST gift you can give her is by taking your love down... and giving yourself some time to love yourself so that you not only will not WANT to be in an un-healthy relationship, BUT that you will have the knowledge/strength/confidence - to not make your SO's problems about you - to be able to let go with love - to not have attachment. Once you are able to do that..... then SHE and/or anyone will be truly fortunate to have your love.

I'm not re-reading... so i hope there are no grammatical errors and not overly verbose and/or repetitive.

hello-kitty

Hi, I can tell you from first hand experience that in order for an addict to want to quit using drugs, they need to feel the negative consequences of using drugs. One of the negative (and logical) consequences of using drugs is that your non-addict friends don't acknowledge your birthday anymore. That's the way it should be.

She didn't respect your boundaries and now she is your ex girlfriend. Letting her know that you still care about her isn't going to inspire her to change her ways. It will just let her know that you are still hanging around, hoping she will change. If anything, it could feed her addiction more.

Go with your gut. The wise choice isn't always the easiest one. Abundance is right. The best way to help an addict get healthy is to get yourself healthy.

Abundance

HK..... what you put so simply is what I was saying in many words! LOL

Everything we learned ... we learned in Kindergarden!

When we were young.... and we mistreated something - we had it taken away from us! OR... it would just break... resulting in a natural consequence.

IPT

lots of words, and few, you guys said exactly what I NEEDED to hear! Thank you, this place is a Godsend. How do our emotions make our critical and objective thinking go mush?
Believe it or not I am making progress. I have been asking myself many tough questions. About the relationship, but more about me, my actions, my past and its effects on me and how I respond in relationships now, what I want for my future.

IPT

I'm pondering this. It is not so easy to come up with things. In my current state of mind I go back to the context of the relationship and just beat myself up.

Does the exercise give any examples to help get you started?

Abundance

Example:

IPT beats himself up when he thinks back about his relationship.

IPT

Just 5 then...Okay, I got way more than that....next?

Abundance

More than 5 is just fine! It's best that you list all of them!

The next step is to... turn the negatives into a positive.
You don't have to BELIEVE it for yourself ... just turn it into a positive... okay?


I.E.

Negative: IPT beats himself up when he thinks back about his relationship.

Positive: IPT is going through all the phases of grief when thinking about his relationship.
or
Positive: When IPT thinks back on his relationship he sees things now that he didn't see then.

--------------------------

Now... when you have turned all the negative inner critics into positives..... let me know - and I'll give you the next exercise.

outtolunch

[QUOTE=IPT;2329327]
Due to her not following thru on things and not respecting my boundaries regarding what I need in a relationship (reliability) it is dead (at least on paper…not totally in my thick skull)./QUOTE]


Sounds like you continue to struggle with boundaries for yourself versus trying to control another person.

You are looking for reliability. She is not able or willing to deliver. This is her choice. It has nothing to do with disrespecting you or your boundaries.

teke

sorry you are still struggling with this but this reminds me of how i felt for so many yrs concerning my ah.

my ah constantly reminded me of how he was tired of being used by his family, that they didn't care or didn't want to help him when he was in need, they didn't understand him or how they denounced him, the works. i was suppose to believe that i was the only one who cared and that i was the only one who had his back in time of need.

it finally dawned on me that each time he had to leave our home because of his addictive behavior, his family was more than willing to allow him back with them. then i became the enemy until they began to speak out against his behavior. it became apart of a cycle.

i eventually found out that he was manipulating both of us, playing one against the other and keeping us both on standby. i did the occasional contact on special occasions thingy and it would eventually ended in some kind of response even though sometimes it took months or yrs and mostly ended in more pain. i learn to let no contact mean no contact. at least i didn't have to keep getting the same hurt and disapointments over and over.

kj3880

I'm learning from here that codie attachments to a codie are just like drugs to an addict--when the codie is done, they are done. I can't make you be done before you get done with it, IPT. And you can't make your ex be done with drugs until she is done. What I've learned is that when you understand that the pain of remaining (even mentally) involved with this woman, is greater than the pain of grieving the end of this, you will be done. I hope that time comes soon!

Love,
KJ

IPT

Agreed, she is unable to do it. She couldn't do it for her work, or her friend who she was supossed to meet at the airport either. Still, in a personal relationship it is hard not to take that personally.

As for being controlling, yes, I see it sort of. However, I am not telling her she needs to be reliable, but rather that I need to be with someone who is reliable. If she choses to be reliable then great, if not, her choice but I will need to let go (which is what happened at Easter). I dont see that as being any different than saying "I will not allow drugs to be in my house and if you bring them here I will ask you to leave".

Learn2Live

Yup. Same thing here. With two different addix, my brother and my ex. It'll hurt you and drive you crazy.

Learn2Live

No contact means NO CONTACT. I know it's hard. It's hard for me too. But if you want to stop hurting, you have to do it.

Abundance

SO TRUE!

I have had to do it... it sucks... it's painful... but the pain will lessen. But I know that doesn't mean anything to you - because you have to experience it for yourself. I remember the first time I tried to go no contact.... i felt like my insides were being ripped out of me..... it's horrible. Like it's the MOST un-natural sensation to experience.

OOOH IPT... I'm just so sorry you are going through this.

It took my *x* to cheat on me for me to finally realize that we were no longer going to be together. I SO wish I could continue on in my life knowing that he had never of cheated on me.... that he never would have brought heroin into my home WITH MY CHILDREN HOME, mind you..... I SO wish that I would have ended it before it kept getting worse and worse.

NO CONTACT....... STOP THE MADNESS!!!!!

IPT

no contact for several weeks now. It's getting easier, I don't "expect" and look for texts or emails anymore. i am dealing more now with the pain of accepting what was. What "may" have happened all those times she lied to me. Suffice to say she did not treat me the way I should have been, I accpeted it and allowed it and that is all I need (or want) to know. I need to learn from it and move on.

I am moving on. My ability to trust is rattled, there is a hole in my life, but I am learning A LOT about myself in this process. I am letting go of the delusions but it makes me mad and sad to see her for who she really may be. It disgusts me actually...and then makes my heart break for her a few minutes later...

Thanks you again for all the words, thoughts, and sharing of your own experiences .

Learn2Live

IPT, Sweetheart, if you KNEW everything she has done and is doing, you would be more than simply pained and disgusted. And trust me, you would stop being mad and sad. I never realized this about the lives of many drug addicts and alcoholics before this past weekend. They TRULY ARE different people than who we think they are. They do very sick things because they are very sick. I don't mean to sound cruel, but your loved one needs much more than you to get better. She needs an entire TEAM of people and a complete spiritual awakening to get better. Let go and Let God.

tjp613

Lots of good stuff here, IPT. Just had to chime in too .... do yourself a BIG favor and do not make contact. You will be so pissed at yourself if you do. Just don't. (((Hugs)))

IPT

Not going to do it. Thanks .