Profesora74

Three months ago my husband started AA. Two days ago he had a relapse. While I would never have considered my husband's drinking "that bad," he did tend to drink at least a six pack per night and if there was ever hard alcohol involved he couldn't stop. However, he never hit me, verbally abused me, etc. He's always been able to keep a job, and generally be pretty responsible.

In the three months he was in recovery things were wonderful - I realized how much I missed my sober husband, how much of my time had been spent on obsessing about his drinking, and how much negativity came out on him when he was drinking. I guess this is the pink cloud they talk about. When I found vodka in his work bag on Monday I was in shock. When I asked about it, he lied. To my knowledge, this is the only time he relapsed.

While I understand relapse is common to any disease, we had a serious conversation when he began AA that he wouldn't lie to me about it, no matter what. I believe there was even a threat made that I would divorce him if I found out he lied to me again.

So, that's where things are now. Do I leave him? Do I stay? Am I being overly harsh punishing him for having a disease? Am I being overly naive thinking that things will ever be different? I'm going to Alanon and working on my stuff and I think all of that just makes me doubt the right path even more.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with an A in recovery? How did you handle it? Thanks in advance for any insights or advice.

benham

My wife had a relapse once so far. The kicker was that I would have never known if she didn't tell me. When she did tell me, I was surprised that I reacted as if she told me what the weather was. There was no anger to suppress or negative emotions or anything. It was in the past now and there was nothing I could do about it. (By the way, this really ticked her off. I don't know what she was expecting, but I assume it was to baby her and tell her everything was okay or something like that. She tried the "I don't care about her" stuff, but that didn't work either! )

I use the "typical terminal disease" analogy to help me understand alcoholism. This "disease" has the capability of coming back. The question for the person who is sick is whether they want to continue treatment of the disease or not.

I don't have the courage to tell my wife this, but I don't care if she has a relapse anymore. The only part I care about is how she treats me. I haven't been treated in an unacceptable way by her since around that relapse time. I do know at some point I would leave if I was continually treated in a way that was unacceptable. I enjoy my wife when she is sober, so therefore I would consider it unacceptable if she decided to stop being sober.

Are you being treated in a way that is unacceptable?

You have said that you enjoy your sober husband. I feel that you deserve a sober husband, don't you?

isurvived

I can tell you my experience... as my XAH went into treatment 3 times during the course of our marriage — and I stood by him all those years.

He'd gradually withdraw from his program, stop AA,(or lie to me about attending)... then the relapse would happen - and BIG problems with it... like abusive language, denial, loss of jobs, fines, arrests... then he'd go back into treatment, and it would cycle all over again.

Did I mention my H was a "closet drinker"?

I gave him so many many chances. It always ended up the same... it was so predictable.

I know that "sinking in your stomach feeling" quite well.

I finally got the guts to end it. Glad I did! Better late than never!

tiredspouse

I feel for you. I can only speak for myself, so take this in context.

I never thought my husband would lie to me. I was very naive. I never lied to my husband -why would I lie to my husband - what's the purpose, I thought.

The realization that my husband regulalry lied to me was a tough pill to take. The realization that he was an amazingly good liar - to my face - very sincere - said all the right things - may have been worse.

After the third rehab, I asked for some space. Not a divorce - just some space - to get my head back. To try to clear out the fog and confusion and to try to come to terms with life.

Well, for me this space was a lifesaver, because it allowed me to gain perspective and clarity. It also allowed me to see things clearly and the extent of my denial. I could evaluate the actions - not the words. My husband would (hopefully) change his patterns of behavior and work on himself.

Maybe some space would be good for you?

Don't be so hard on yourself - you don't have to have all the answers today. Let go and let God. It's ok if you are confused - the disease is baffling. What do you need? Is there something you could do for yourself today?

Yes, it's a disease, but that's not an excuse for everything.

Can you live with someone who lies? Is he working a program - what are his actions? Can you be happy?

Just because he isn't physically or verbally abusive doesn't make everything ok.

Take care of you.

ICant

I think if you have a problem deciding stay or go, wait is a perfectly acceptable option too. Time will tell what will happen next. Focus on your own recovery and don't start obsessing about is he or isn't he sober? That kind of thinking just sends me in a tailspin and my negativity comes out. Benham is right about behaviour as opposed to alcohol.

Backit

I understand how you feel, Profesora. For me, it is the lying that I find so painful to endure, not the relapses. I know it is a disease, and I expect the relapses. My AH tells me that lying is just part of the disease, but to me, that is a cop out. And I will NEVER be okay with having a husband who lies to me about ANYTHING.

My husband is a closet drinker. I never see him drink. He goes to bed early and we sleep on different floors, so I suspect he may drink when he goes to bed, knowing I won't be checking up on him. However, on occasion he has gotten drunk after work and somehow thought I might not notice. But he is a completely different person when he is drinking so it is very obvious.

Because of his long history of lying to me about his drinking, we agreed when he went into outpatient rehab in January that I could keep some blood alcohol testing strips in the house if I suspected he was drinking. This turned into a waste of time because he will STILL deny that he has been drinking even when I hold the positive test strip under his nose. It would almost be funny if it weren't so infuriating. A week ago he came home drunk and insisted he had not been drinking. I took out a test strip and he tested with a blood alcohol level of .30%, the highest level on the strip, which I understand can be a lethal alcohol level. (He always tests that high and drives in that condition.) When I showed him the test, he said someone offered him a beer, so he took a sip. A sip? From what I read, it takes 10 beers to result in that level for someone his weight. That must have been one BIG sip.

The last 2 days, he has been quite disagreeable, distant, won't look me in the eye, doesn't want to be around me. In the past, this is a sign he is drinking. So I assume he is drinking again. Meanwhile, after finishing 4 months of one on one counseling at a rehab center, he still goes faithfully to a group session each week. He tells me what a bunch of losers and low lifes they are and obviously refuses to admit to himself that he is no different and no better than any of those people. After 6 months of counseling, he still has no strategies to avoid his triggers and he still lies to my face, which he knows I find incredibly hurtful and damaging. I would say this counseling is a COMPLETE waste of time.

I don't plan to live this way forever. Right now I am taking care of my mother, who has Alzheimer's and I do rely on my husband for a lot of support and assistance with her. He is very helpful and kind to her. But when my mother passes, I plan to reevaluate my situation. I suspect then the "Is your life better with him or without him" scale is going to tip to the "better without him" side at that point. Until then, I wait.

Is there any life more lonely than being the spouse of an alcoholic who lies and deceives?
Not in my experience.

Cathy B.

Still Waters

I think that while not all alcoholics are cheaters and I hate to see broad brush generalizations, most are liars.

Lying is part and parcel of denial, and if they weren't in denial they'd be recovering alcoholics.

We, as spouses of alcoholics did our share of lying also. To ourselves and in many cases to family and friends. "Oh hey Mom, yeah - everything is fine." Lie.

This isn't to say that lying should be allowed, or forgiven, it just is what it is.

Jadmack25

Have been with my ABF for nearly 20 years, we are both in our 60's, and he has been in hospital detox and/or rehab 6 times and outpatient counselling 3 times. At a guess I have been with him well over 100 times whilst he shivered, shook, vomited etc thru days and nights of withdrawal and had an ambulance take him to hospital emergency because he began fits 4 times. I might add that before I met him, he had done numerous long stints in rehab.

This time of sobriety is different to all the others, as it was he who arranged help for himself before he told me, and he is actually reading AA books this time. He also seems calmer and no signs of white knuckle problems, all of which is a first in my memory, so I have hope which I really haven't had for many years.

However!! I have made it clear that if he goes for the bottle, I go for the door.
No more if's or but's, it will be me gone and stay out of my life.
That is my prime boundary and "trespassers will be shot".

To think that if it does come to that at some time, and that I have wasted 20 precious years of my life, makes my blood run cold.
To think that staying and wasting any more time in that drunken hell actually makes my blood FREEZE.

tjp613

I read a quote the other day that summed up nicely this problem of "lying":

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.

Think about it.

Profesora74

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful responses. I've decided, for now, to wait and see and just take it one day at a time. I think it just seemed so easy the first three months - I'm learning that it's never easier and that was naive to think so. He's back in recovery - a meeting a day, lots of meetings with sponsor, a call at least a day to his sponsor -- everything, by the way, that he was doing the first 90 days. Part of me therefore wonders if anything is going to be different this time but we'll see. One day at a time.

We're going to meet with his counselor tonight and I'm hoping we can come up with a plan TOGETHER on how to deal with the next relapse, should it happen. I don't know if this is even possible, given the fact that the lying and drinking are part and parecel, but I don't want to dole out any more ultimatums - it just doesn't seem to make a difference.

Thanks again.