Helpplease
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: hell on earth
Posts: 5
Helpplease
I am new here, but have read lots of the stories in this section of the forum-many of which I could have written.
I have been with my husband for 20 yrs, 17 of those married. He was c/s from booze and coke for 20 years...until this past year or year and a half. I had never seen him drunk or coked up-he he was c/s when we met.
I have watched him slowly lose control to his addiction. I have played all the codependent games and engaged in all the sick, controlling tactics...I am now done. I had my "aha" moment last week and felt something shift inside me-a spiritual awakening, a psychic change occurred.
He hasn't been home for two weeks, except to pop in once or twice for a shower and change of clothes. There will be no more popping in from now forward, though, because I just threw his a$$ out of the house. He is no longer welcome while in active addiction; I have reached my limit and then some. He has left me with NOTHING in every sense of the word and I am at a loss as to how I will ever make it through to the other side. I guess, though, that's up to G-d and me, as long as I do the footwork.
I am done. I am ruined financially (have zero money and -$3000 in checking, no paycheck til Sept. 15th as I am a teacher, my utilities are getting shut off one by one....I/we are in enormous, ridiculous debt, from cc's to the IRS and everything in between). I am broken spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I am only moving forward because I have beautiful, wonderful children who are 9 and 11 and who need me now more than ever.
For the past two weeks he's not been home (except for those two pop-ins) and has communicated with me solely through email. So Saturday I emailed him and told him he is no longer welcome in this house, that his behavior is against the law and he is a criminal and I don't want that around or near our children, and that he can make arrangements to come get his stuff (so me and the boys can be out and I can have our deacon here to watch over him and the house/belongings). I also told him that I am calling a lawyer this upcoming week regarding our financial situation. I have NO money; the only thing he is supporting is his coke/booze habit. I will do what I have to do.
I am pushing my emotions aside...I'll deal with them later. I'm losing my best friend, soulmate, father of my children, husband, lover...we had a fabulous relationship when he was clean. But active, he is the opposite of what he is sober. He is now a thieving, irresponsible, conniving liar who will do anything to feed his addiction. He is not the man I fell in love with. It hurts, but I can't even go there yet.
I have so many practical, day-to-day problems right now because of the financial situation. House to be foreclosed on any moment, I'm sure. Scraping change to buy milk. Asking friends to loan me gas money. Utilities to be shut off any day now (already lost TV, phones and electricity are next, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah...). I owe the school's after-care program over $1000 and could not register my children to attend the program this year because of the debt. School begins in three weeks and I have no child care set up; I obviously have to work (I am a teacher) but do not know how the hell this is going to happen. I work in a different district from the one my children attend and their school day ends quite a bit earlier than mine. I cannot let them take the bus home as we live in the woods and the bus-stop is 1/4 mile away from our home and up on a major highway (way too dangerous: traffic, predators, bad weather...etc). I do not have many neighbors and the ones I do have cannot help out (or will not, they are not the nicest bunch of people, sadly). That is just one practical, real problem I am facing due to the financial disaster I am left with by my AH.
I am being sued by a cc company and was already served papers by the sheriff's department. Others soon to follow, I'm sure. Most bills have not been paid for close to 6 months. The mortgage hasn't been paid and foreclosure is next on the agenda of financial nightmares (as well as reality nightmares).
I know I have to call and see a lawyer about the finances. This man makes over $110K a year and I have seen NOTHING from him since the middle of June. I am a teacher who doesn't get paid all summer. Our checking account balance has been -$3000 for almost a month. I am sick over this stuff, literally physically sick, but I have to take action. I have children to care for. I have already had friends/family buy food for us for the past two weeks.
I am finally done with waiting for him to get better. I am done believing his lies, manipulations and stories. He is delusional. He strings me along (or tries to, at this point I don't buy it anymore). But dear G-d, it hurts beyond belief. I love him and we had so many good years together. He was a wonderful husband and father. Now, he is a stranger to me. I absolutely can NOT believe how quickly the coke ruined him (and our life together).
I do not want him here anymore. I knew something changed in me when I'd hear cars on our road while laying in bed at night and hoped it WASN'T him; where before I'd always hoped it was.
This situation includes a bevy of horrible conditions: anxiety, stress, depression, grief...good G-d, how is a person supposed to handle all these emotions AND deal with life on life's terms? Right now I just take a minute at a time, and do what's in front of me. But honestly, most of my time is spent in bed, wishing for a miracle (or death). But then who would care for my boys? I keep telling myself I must deal with this for them, but I am so overwhelmed and exhausted and run-down that I care barely walk up and down the stairs or make scrambled eggs and toast.
I have been a wreck: hardly ever getting out of bed, not showering, barely eating (I lost 25 lbs since June), ignoring the phone, ignoring reality, isolating, experiencing insomnia that feels like it's killing me....and so on and so on. I have to get a grip and get it together in some way because I go back to work in a few weeks-I NEED my job, since my cokehead husband is not supporting us. I have to believe that throwing him out and disentangling myself from his web of sickness will help me move forward. What other choice do I have, really? I have to move, go forward, take care of my precious boys.
I just need support, advice, words of wisdom...maybe some love and hugs...from those who know what I am living in right now.
If anyone, too, has practical, financial advice I would love to hear it. If it makes any difference (laws, etc) I am in New Jersey (or am I in hell?).
Thank you for being here-what a blessing to have found SR.
OnceCharmed
I have been with my husband for 20 yrs, 17 of those married. He was c/s from booze and coke for 20 years...until this past year or year and a half. I had never seen him drunk or coked up-he he was c/s when we met.
I have watched him slowly lose control to his addiction. I have played all the codependent games and engaged in all the sick, controlling tactics...I am now done. I had my "aha" moment last week and felt something shift inside me-a spiritual awakening, a psychic change occurred.
He hasn't been home for two weeks, except to pop in once or twice for a shower and change of clothes. There will be no more popping in from now forward, though, because I just threw his a$$ out of the house. He is no longer welcome while in active addiction; I have reached my limit and then some. He has left me with NOTHING in every sense of the word and I am at a loss as to how I will ever make it through to the other side. I guess, though, that's up to G-d and me, as long as I do the footwork.
I am done. I am ruined financially (have zero money and -$3000 in checking, no paycheck til Sept. 15th as I am a teacher, my utilities are getting shut off one by one....I/we are in enormous, ridiculous debt, from cc's to the IRS and everything in between). I am broken spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I am only moving forward because I have beautiful, wonderful children who are 9 and 11 and who need me now more than ever.
For the past two weeks he's not been home (except for those two pop-ins) and has communicated with me solely through email. So Saturday I emailed him and told him he is no longer welcome in this house, that his behavior is against the law and he is a criminal and I don't want that around or near our children, and that he can make arrangements to come get his stuff (so me and the boys can be out and I can have our deacon here to watch over him and the house/belongings). I also told him that I am calling a lawyer this upcoming week regarding our financial situation. I have NO money; the only thing he is supporting is his coke/booze habit. I will do what I have to do.
I am pushing my emotions aside...I'll deal with them later. I'm losing my best friend, soulmate, father of my children, husband, lover...we had a fabulous relationship when he was clean. But active, he is the opposite of what he is sober. He is now a thieving, irresponsible, conniving liar who will do anything to feed his addiction. He is not the man I fell in love with. It hurts, but I can't even go there yet.
I have so many practical, day-to-day problems right now because of the financial situation. House to be foreclosed on any moment, I'm sure. Scraping change to buy milk. Asking friends to loan me gas money. Utilities to be shut off any day now (already lost TV, phones and electricity are next, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah...). I owe the school's after-care program over $1000 and could not register my children to attend the program this year because of the debt. School begins in three weeks and I have no child care set up; I obviously have to work (I am a teacher) but do not know how the hell this is going to happen. I work in a different district from the one my children attend and their school day ends quite a bit earlier than mine. I cannot let them take the bus home as we live in the woods and the bus-stop is 1/4 mile away from our home and up on a major highway (way too dangerous: traffic, predators, bad weather...etc). I do not have many neighbors and the ones I do have cannot help out (or will not, they are not the nicest bunch of people, sadly). That is just one practical, real problem I am facing due to the financial disaster I am left with by my AH.
I am being sued by a cc company and was already served papers by the sheriff's department. Others soon to follow, I'm sure. Most bills have not been paid for close to 6 months. The mortgage hasn't been paid and foreclosure is next on the agenda of financial nightmares (as well as reality nightmares).
I know I have to call and see a lawyer about the finances. This man makes over $110K a year and I have seen NOTHING from him since the middle of June. I am a teacher who doesn't get paid all summer. Our checking account balance has been -$3000 for almost a month. I am sick over this stuff, literally physically sick, but I have to take action. I have children to care for. I have already had friends/family buy food for us for the past two weeks.
I am finally done with waiting for him to get better. I am done believing his lies, manipulations and stories. He is delusional. He strings me along (or tries to, at this point I don't buy it anymore). But dear G-d, it hurts beyond belief. I love him and we had so many good years together. He was a wonderful husband and father. Now, he is a stranger to me. I absolutely can NOT believe how quickly the coke ruined him (and our life together).
I do not want him here anymore. I knew something changed in me when I'd hear cars on our road while laying in bed at night and hoped it WASN'T him; where before I'd always hoped it was.
This situation includes a bevy of horrible conditions: anxiety, stress, depression, grief...good G-d, how is a person supposed to handle all these emotions AND deal with life on life's terms? Right now I just take a minute at a time, and do what's in front of me. But honestly, most of my time is spent in bed, wishing for a miracle (or death). But then who would care for my boys? I keep telling myself I must deal with this for them, but I am so overwhelmed and exhausted and run-down that I care barely walk up and down the stairs or make scrambled eggs and toast.
I have been a wreck: hardly ever getting out of bed, not showering, barely eating (I lost 25 lbs since June), ignoring the phone, ignoring reality, isolating, experiencing insomnia that feels like it's killing me....and so on and so on. I have to get a grip and get it together in some way because I go back to work in a few weeks-I NEED my job, since my cokehead husband is not supporting us. I have to believe that throwing him out and disentangling myself from his web of sickness will help me move forward. What other choice do I have, really? I have to move, go forward, take care of my precious boys.
I just need support, advice, words of wisdom...maybe some love and hugs...from those who know what I am living in right now.
If anyone, too, has practical, financial advice I would love to hear it. If it makes any difference (laws, etc) I am in New Jersey (or am I in hell?).
Thank you for being here-what a blessing to have found SR.
OnceCharmed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: hell on earth
Posts: 5
To the kind person who PM'd me (DM)--thank you so much for responding to me. It meant so much to know I was heard. I tried to hit "Reply" and PM you back but it said I couldn't PM until I had 5 (I think) posts.
I just wanted to thank you...I feel so alone and your response and support reminded me I'm not.
THANK YOU!
OnceCharmed
I just wanted to thank you...I feel so alone and your response and support reminded me I'm not.
THANK YOU!
OnceCharmed
No Day But Today
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 138
Charmed I'm so sorry to hear. I was starting to go down this same path with my boyfriend. Reading your post has made me so glad that he kicked me out of his life. That he showed his colours early on.
I wish that I had some advice or something I could share or say.
Please know that you are DEFINITELY not alone. There are so many amazing people on these forums that understand. Keep coming back, it gets better.
Take care you.
I wish that I had some advice or something I could share or say.
Please know that you are DEFINITELY not alone. There are so many amazing people on these forums that understand. Keep coming back, it gets better.
Take care you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: hell on earth
Posts: 5
Hi Anvillhead,
Thank you...I know I have to call a lawyer. I so dread it, but know it must be done.
I think deep in my head I have delusions that someone is going to rescue me. Of course, I know that's not going to happen and I just have to put on the big girl panties and deal with what's in front of me. BUT I DON'T WANNA! I don't feel strong and I don't feel capable. But what I feel matters not...it's what I do that matters at this point.
28days-thank you for the moral support. I need all I can get right now. I feel broken and damaged. Knowing this site is here and that others have gone through hell with an addict and survived gives me a slight bit of hope that maybe I can, too.
Thank you both!
OnceCharmed
Thank you...I know I have to call a lawyer. I so dread it, but know it must be done.
I think deep in my head I have delusions that someone is going to rescue me. Of course, I know that's not going to happen and I just have to put on the big girl panties and deal with what's in front of me. BUT I DON'T WANNA! I don't feel strong and I don't feel capable. But what I feel matters not...it's what I do that matters at this point.
28days-thank you for the moral support. I need all I can get right now. I feel broken and damaged. Knowing this site is here and that others have gone through hell with an addict and survived gives me a slight bit of hope that maybe I can, too.
Thank you both!
OnceCharmed
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Welcome. You have come to a good and safe place. Anvil's guidance is key. Get to a lawyer. Also, you might want to contact Social Services discuss options. I would also suggest contacting your children's school... perhaps there is an after school program that has a sliding scale.
In the meantime, lean on whoever you have to lean on. You need support. You are doing the right things for you and your children. It's tough to find the strength sometimes, but you are right, you need to pull it together and keep moving. What about your fellow teachers... anyone who might be able to help? Could you possibly have the kids attend the school you work at so that they are w/you when day is done?
Stay strong and welcome. There are others who will be by to offer support.
In the meantime, lean on whoever you have to lean on. You need support. You are doing the right things for you and your children. It's tough to find the strength sometimes, but you are right, you need to pull it together and keep moving. What about your fellow teachers... anyone who might be able to help? Could you possibly have the kids attend the school you work at so that they are w/you when day is done?
Stay strong and welcome. There are others who will be by to offer support.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, sorry for your troubles but so glad you found us. your story sounds a lot like mine a little while ago. i separated from my ah after 21 yrs of this with 6+1 kids in tow. i know the pain. sorry to say but your ah's behavior is typical of an addict and those who love them get caught up in their world. we become just as sick as them.
a lawyer, social services and maybe check with your board to see if some kind of hardship program would allow you to enroll your kids where you work. you have come to a good place, these kinds people here have literally helped saved my sanity.
keep reading and post as much as you like, maybe if you can, take a min. to search your area for alanon meetings. they helped me a lot. i was an emotionally wreck when i first found sr. i think you are well on your way. you've made a decision to focus on you and your kids. i know the road seems rocky but one day at a time, one step at a time, you will get through this and probably be better for it. i'm praying for you and your family
a lawyer, social services and maybe check with your board to see if some kind of hardship program would allow you to enroll your kids where you work. you have come to a good place, these kinds people here have literally helped saved my sanity.
keep reading and post as much as you like, maybe if you can, take a min. to search your area for alanon meetings. they helped me a lot. i was an emotionally wreck when i first found sr. i think you are well on your way. you've made a decision to focus on you and your kids. i know the road seems rocky but one day at a time, one step at a time, you will get through this and probably be better for it. i'm praying for you and your family
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry for the reason you are here, but I'm glad you found us. You are most definitely not alone.
I am a recovering addict who also has had, and still has addicts that I love in my life. I have over 2 years clean and am still cleaning up the financial mess I got myself into, with a bit of help from the addict who introduced me to crack.
When I got clean, I had a mess of a life and it was all my fault. However, I had faith in an HP and a desire to make a better life for myself. SR has been a tremendous help in my path forward.
It doesn't matter which side of the addiction we're on, or in many cases, whether we're on both sides, addiction can be devastating. As long as we have a breath left in us, though, and a faith in an HP (what/whoever we believe in) and when we start reaching out and accepting the help that is offered, we are often amazed at what we can get through.
I hope you keep reading and posting. This site has been a godsend to me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry for the reason you are here, but I'm glad you found us. You are most definitely not alone.
I am a recovering addict who also has had, and still has addicts that I love in my life. I have over 2 years clean and am still cleaning up the financial mess I got myself into, with a bit of help from the addict who introduced me to crack.
When I got clean, I had a mess of a life and it was all my fault. However, I had faith in an HP and a desire to make a better life for myself. SR has been a tremendous help in my path forward.
It doesn't matter which side of the addiction we're on, or in many cases, whether we're on both sides, addiction can be devastating. As long as we have a breath left in us, though, and a faith in an HP (what/whoever we believe in) and when we start reaching out and accepting the help that is offered, we are often amazed at what we can get through.
I hope you keep reading and posting. This site has been a godsend to me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hi Once -- ((((Hugs)))) to you in this desperate time. I'm so so sorry for the pain and hardship this is causing you. It's just not fair.
I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry and didn't have time to read all the replies, so I apologize if I'm repeating any advice.
Call a women's shelter and ask for advice about finding free legal advice. Then see what you can do to get emergency temporary child support orders while the final divorce is being finalized.
Ask your church for help with childcare and get food from the food bank.
I know you can't do it right now, but I say dump the house (turn over the keys to the mtge company) and get a place where the boys can go to school in your same district. Maybe just a small apartment for now.
Can you sell your car and get something cheaper? Use the equity to help with moving expenses?
Once school starts, can you do some tutoring for extra cash?
Check out David Ramsey's books or website for help with emergency debt relief. I know his mantra is 1) Food 2) Shelter and 3) Transportation -- you have to cover the basics and everything else can wait.
I'll be praying for you and your precious boys.
:praying
I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry and didn't have time to read all the replies, so I apologize if I'm repeating any advice.
Call a women's shelter and ask for advice about finding free legal advice. Then see what you can do to get emergency temporary child support orders while the final divorce is being finalized.
Ask your church for help with childcare and get food from the food bank.
I know you can't do it right now, but I say dump the house (turn over the keys to the mtge company) and get a place where the boys can go to school in your same district. Maybe just a small apartment for now.
Can you sell your car and get something cheaper? Use the equity to help with moving expenses?
Once school starts, can you do some tutoring for extra cash?
Check out David Ramsey's books or website for help with emergency debt relief. I know his mantra is 1) Food 2) Shelter and 3) Transportation -- you have to cover the basics and everything else can wait.
I'll be praying for you and your precious boys.
:praying
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
Wow...great advice everyone. Welcome charmed. I'm sorry you're here but I'm happy at the same time! You and your children did nothing to deserve this and I'm glad to see you taking action! I can tell you're a great mom and its OK that you're going through a rough time. I can't think of any advice that the others haven't already given you but I want you to know I just sent up a prayer for you and your family (including your sick husband). I am so happy you realize that just because someone is sick or just because we've had years and years with someone doesn't give them a free ticket to stomp all over us. It is amazing how deeply and quickly addiction can change a person. The best gift you can give yourself and your children is exactly what you're doing right now. Take it one day at a time..let your bill collectors know what's going on and if they still want the money then let the phone ring off the hook. (Maybe a positive thing if the phone gets cut off? LOL
)
One of my fave sayings is "It all works out in the end. If its not working out, its not the end". I don't know who said it but they had a good point. I don't know how things work out...but they normally do...and this situation is included. I will be thinking of you and your family in the coming days and want to welcome you to the SR family. Please keep us updated and put yourself first!!
Love,
Holly
)One of my fave sayings is "It all works out in the end. If its not working out, its not the end". I don't know who said it but they had a good point. I don't know how things work out...but they normally do...and this situation is included. I will be thinking of you and your family in the coming days and want to welcome you to the SR family. Please keep us updated and put yourself first!!
Love,
Holly
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
(((OnceCharmed)))
Welcome to our support community!
(I was looking for an animated magic wand, but this was the closest I could find, so magic brew it is...)
I'm going to slather you in magic brew.
First, the brew gives you permission to ask anyone and everyone you TRUST for help. You never know what they could help with. Asking for help and support from trustworthy people is a GOOD thing and nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of.
Second, my magic brew gives you permission to feel whatever you need to feel. Fear, guilt, rage, whatever. You are free to feel them fully. The only way past is through.
Third, my magic brew invites you to come visit us at SR any time you need, for support, because WE CARE ABOUT YOU!!!
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
Welcome to our support community!
(I was looking for an animated magic wand, but this was the closest I could find, so magic brew it is...)I'm going to slather you in magic brew.
First, the brew gives you permission to ask anyone and everyone you TRUST for help. You never know what they could help with. Asking for help and support from trustworthy people is a GOOD thing and nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of.
Second, my magic brew gives you permission to feel whatever you need to feel. Fear, guilt, rage, whatever. You are free to feel them fully. The only way past is through.
Third, my magic brew invites you to come visit us at SR any time you need, for support, because WE CARE ABOUT YOU!!!
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: OZ
Posts: 38
Charmed! Welcome. I wanted to add my hugs and my prayers to the many who are already sending positive supportive blessings your way.
You are so wise to focus on this moment and one task at a time. You may feel like you are too broken to do what you need to, but your survival and your children are paramount. I agree with the fab advice above! Lawyer - social services...it is all about finding options. These kinds of experts can help you plan the next steps. You are NOT alone... Your HP is there and will help you through this pain and loss in your life.
We know your pain and disbelief and fears...keep talking. Let all of us at SR be a light in the window.
You are so wise to focus on this moment and one task at a time. You may feel like you are too broken to do what you need to, but your survival and your children are paramount. I agree with the fab advice above! Lawyer - social services...it is all about finding options. These kinds of experts can help you plan the next steps. You are NOT alone... Your HP is there and will help you through this pain and loss in your life.
We know your pain and disbelief and fears...keep talking. Let all of us at SR be a light in the window.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Practical matters:
You need an attorney to get child support rolling.
Take that $3000 and put it in your own account before he withdraws it.
Consider taking in a roommate, perhaps even someone in a similar situation. Maybe they can watch the kids afterschool in exchange for rent. Whatever they might be able to contribute, will help keep the utilities on.
It sounds likely you are both headed towards bankruptcy which should probably allow you to remain in your house longer than otherwise possible. Worse things can happen. The money you would put towards a mortgage payment should be saved for a rental situation, when the time comes.
If you owe the IRS, the courts can and will decide who pays what and when.
Does he have a 401K or pension plan, at work?
You are stronger than you know and will survive this. The hell-o with him and his addiction.
You need an attorney to get child support rolling.
Take that $3000 and put it in your own account before he withdraws it.
Consider taking in a roommate, perhaps even someone in a similar situation. Maybe they can watch the kids afterschool in exchange for rent. Whatever they might be able to contribute, will help keep the utilities on.
It sounds likely you are both headed towards bankruptcy which should probably allow you to remain in your house longer than otherwise possible. Worse things can happen. The money you would put towards a mortgage payment should be saved for a rental situation, when the time comes.
If you owe the IRS, the courts can and will decide who pays what and when.
Does he have a 401K or pension plan, at work?
You are stronger than you know and will survive this. The hell-o with him and his addiction.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I had heard somewhere that some churches offer assistance with utility payments and googled. I found this, perhaps it helps:
NJ Shares - New Jersey's Statewide Energy Fund Providing Temporary Assistance
New Jersey LIHEAP and Other Energy Programs
Board of Public Utilities | Assistance
You could also try to find a food bank near you to free up money for bills. I agree with those that you should not hesitate to ask for help from friends and family. This is not your fault and you deserve all the help you can get.
Good luck and keep us posted! :ghug3
NJ Shares - New Jersey's Statewide Energy Fund Providing Temporary Assistance
New Jersey LIHEAP and Other Energy Programs
Board of Public Utilities | Assistance
You could also try to find a food bank near you to free up money for bills. I agree with those that you should not hesitate to ask for help from friends and family. This is not your fault and you deserve all the help you can get.
Good luck and keep us posted! :ghug3
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I'm certain you can place the children in a school in the district you work in, or in your school, just let them know what's going on.
Contact the Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 and ask for numbers for help in your area. You can get information on attorneys that will assist you for free and many other programs.
Tutor.com hires online tutors, you definitely qualify
This you could do after work hours and still be able to care for the boys.
Tutor.com | Become an Online Tutor
Hugs and prayers, I know that sick feeling and how hard it is to function. It WILL get better, believe that.
Contact the Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 and ask for numbers for help in your area. You can get information on attorneys that will assist you for free and many other programs.
Tutor.com hires online tutors, you definitely qualify
This you could do after work hours and still be able to care for the boys. Tutor.com | Become an Online Tutor
Hugs and prayers, I know that sick feeling and how hard it is to function. It WILL get better, believe that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Vancouver bc
Posts: 4
BIG HUGS to you hunny!!! I too am new here, and there are so many people wiser than I when it comes to advice, but something in your post really struck me. You sort of sound like you are doubting yourself, but when I read what you wrote, all I hear is a very strong, smart, and incredibly brave woman! You know exactly where you need to go, and I'm certain that you are headed in the correct direction. You know what is important....you and your children, and I have no doubt that you can and will do whatever is necessary to get your feet firmly planted somewhere safe. You are a teacher, by profession, and know how to bring out the best in your students. Now bring out the best in YOU!!! Its in there, you just need to do a little digging. One foot in front of the other....day by day....and you will come out on top! I believe in you. xo:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Once charmed...
Welcome to SR.
Your story hits home...the cirumstances you find yourself is so very similar to ones I faced about 4 years ago.
I found myself in a huge financial hole. I'm a professional...make a decent salary...and yet my exah and I were on the verge of foreclosure, behind on all our credit card bills, I had borrowed heavily against my retirement, and I owed thousands of dollars to family and friends who had loaned me money for things like the mortgage, food and gas.
Just as you describe...one day....I just had enough. I don't know what did it...I don't know why, on that particular day, instead of another, I realized that I could not and would not live my life like that one day longer.
Knowing my exah wouldn't leave the home without a fight, I packed up my son and left our marital home.
I consulted an attorney...filed for bankruptcy and divorce...and put all of my energy into making a stable home.
Although I felt a sense of renewed hope when I left, it also felt like I had such a huge mountain to climb in terms of paying off debts that I couldn't discharge in bankruptcy (like the loans I took out from family and friends in order to survive during the last 2 years of my marriage and repaying $40K in retirmenet loans).
It seemed like I'd never really recover. It felt like I'd always have this big gaping wound...but I'm here to tell you that 4 years later, I have a whole new life. I have a home of my own...my son is happy and well-adjusted...my debts from the marriage are finally paid off...and, most importantly, I am happy. If you had asked me where I would be in 4 years at the time I left, I never would have imagined that things could improve so quickly. Its amazing what you can accomplish when you stop swimming up stream against the tide of addiction and put your energy into yourself. My Gosh, things turned around and life is actually good again. It takes time to heal, it takes time to repair the damage...but once you start the process...the sun begins to shine again and one day, very soon, I believe you'll actually realize that you're happy again.
Sending hugs and support...
You CAN do this...and you've taken the first big step...deciding that you deserve something more than life with an active addict.
Welcome to SR.
Your story hits home...the cirumstances you find yourself is so very similar to ones I faced about 4 years ago.
I found myself in a huge financial hole. I'm a professional...make a decent salary...and yet my exah and I were on the verge of foreclosure, behind on all our credit card bills, I had borrowed heavily against my retirement, and I owed thousands of dollars to family and friends who had loaned me money for things like the mortgage, food and gas.
Just as you describe...one day....I just had enough. I don't know what did it...I don't know why, on that particular day, instead of another, I realized that I could not and would not live my life like that one day longer.
Knowing my exah wouldn't leave the home without a fight, I packed up my son and left our marital home.
I consulted an attorney...filed for bankruptcy and divorce...and put all of my energy into making a stable home.
Although I felt a sense of renewed hope when I left, it also felt like I had such a huge mountain to climb in terms of paying off debts that I couldn't discharge in bankruptcy (like the loans I took out from family and friends in order to survive during the last 2 years of my marriage and repaying $40K in retirmenet loans).
It seemed like I'd never really recover. It felt like I'd always have this big gaping wound...but I'm here to tell you that 4 years later, I have a whole new life. I have a home of my own...my son is happy and well-adjusted...my debts from the marriage are finally paid off...and, most importantly, I am happy. If you had asked me where I would be in 4 years at the time I left, I never would have imagined that things could improve so quickly. Its amazing what you can accomplish when you stop swimming up stream against the tide of addiction and put your energy into yourself. My Gosh, things turned around and life is actually good again. It takes time to heal, it takes time to repair the damage...but once you start the process...the sun begins to shine again and one day, very soon, I believe you'll actually realize that you're happy again.
Sending hugs and support...
You CAN do this...and you've taken the first big step...deciding that you deserve something more than life with an active addict.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You sound like depression is setting in, the weight loss and hiding in bed, and it's tough to shake something like that when your world is collapsing all around you. Reaching your "enough" point can actually be a positive, that is the moment when you know you cannot live one more day the way you have and it just may be the turning point when you take your life back.
What has helped so many of us is meetings, Alanon, Naranon or CoDA are three similar fellowships that literally saved my life and gave me a solid foundation on which to build a healthier lifestyle no matter what life handed me. Maybe, just for today, get yourself dressed and find a meeting near you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain and I promise you that it will help more than you can know.
Bankruptcy is not a bad thing for people who cannot surface when they are drowning in debt. It gets rid of most debt and gives you a chance to start over and helps you regain a better credit rating that staying over your head in debt.
Some good suggestions above, like food banks and reaching out to anyone who can help you, just may make it a little less painful and help you until you get back to work.
My prayers go out for you and your children. Bad times never last forever and often lead us to better roads ahead.
Welcome to SR, I hope you will continue to share and walk with us on this journey of recovery.
Hugs
What has helped so many of us is meetings, Alanon, Naranon or CoDA are three similar fellowships that literally saved my life and gave me a solid foundation on which to build a healthier lifestyle no matter what life handed me. Maybe, just for today, get yourself dressed and find a meeting near you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain and I promise you that it will help more than you can know.
Bankruptcy is not a bad thing for people who cannot surface when they are drowning in debt. It gets rid of most debt and gives you a chance to start over and helps you regain a better credit rating that staying over your head in debt.
Some good suggestions above, like food banks and reaching out to anyone who can help you, just may make it a little less painful and help you until you get back to work.
My prayers go out for you and your children. Bad times never last forever and often lead us to better roads ahead.
Welcome to SR, I hope you will continue to share and walk with us on this journey of recovery.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Charmed, it's a good thing you made it here. There's lots of support here.
Some of us are well experienced wit coke and alchohol addiction so understand the personality changes etc.
It really is a dangerous drug.
So sorry to hear you're going through this.
~Limiya~
Some of us are well experienced wit coke and alchohol addiction so understand the personality changes etc.
It really is a dangerous drug.
So sorry to hear you're going through this.
~Limiya~
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