Meditation on saying "NO"
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Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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Meditation on saying "NO"
I'm not just an alcoholic, I was blessed with codependency too, and one of the compliance patterns I'm working on in CoDA is "I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long."
This reading was very helpful to me this morning, so I wanted to share it......
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
Saying No
For many of us, the most difficult word to say is one of the shortest and easiest in the vocabulary: No. Go ahead, say it aloud: No.
No - simple to pronounce, hard to say. We’re afraid people won’t like us, or we feel guilty. We may believe that a “good” employee, child, parent, spouse, or Christian never says no.
The problem is, if we don’t learn to say no, we stop liking ourselves and the people we always try to please. We may even punish others out of resentment.
When do we say no? When no is what we really mean.
When we learn to say no, we stop lying. People can trust us, and we can trust ourselves. All sorts of good things happen when we start saying what we mean.
If we’re scared to say no, we can buy some time. We can take a break, rehearse the word, and go back and say no. We don’t have to offer long explanations for our decisions.
When we can say no, we can say yes to the good. Our no’s and our yes’s begin to be taken seriously. We gain control of ourselves. And we learn a secret: “No” isn’t really that hard to say.
Today, I will say no if that is what I mean.
You are reading from the book:
The Language of Letting Go. Copyright 1990 by Hazelden Foundation.
This reading was very helpful to me this morning, so I wanted to share it......
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
Saying No
For many of us, the most difficult word to say is one of the shortest and easiest in the vocabulary: No. Go ahead, say it aloud: No.
No - simple to pronounce, hard to say. We’re afraid people won’t like us, or we feel guilty. We may believe that a “good” employee, child, parent, spouse, or Christian never says no.
The problem is, if we don’t learn to say no, we stop liking ourselves and the people we always try to please. We may even punish others out of resentment.
When do we say no? When no is what we really mean.
When we learn to say no, we stop lying. People can trust us, and we can trust ourselves. All sorts of good things happen when we start saying what we mean.
If we’re scared to say no, we can buy some time. We can take a break, rehearse the word, and go back and say no. We don’t have to offer long explanations for our decisions.
When we can say no, we can say yes to the good. Our no’s and our yes’s begin to be taken seriously. We gain control of ourselves. And we learn a secret: “No” isn’t really that hard to say.
Today, I will say no if that is what I mean.
You are reading from the book:
The Language of Letting Go. Copyright 1990 by Hazelden Foundation.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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One of the hardest things I have had to learn ........................... is NO is a complete sentence. No further explanation needed. That just did not go well with my co dependent side. I always thought I had to explain and give reasons why I was saying 'no.'
The second hardest thing was learning to take a compliment and just say 'thank you,' without trying to counteract the compliment with long explanations about whatever the compliment was about.
Neither of those defects ever came up in my first 3 years in AA working on my 'alcoholic side.' Only when I joined Al-Anon did I start to get into the 'finer points' of me, lol
Thank you Astro for starting this thread. I believe that those like you and I with one foot in each program are truly double winners! Got my 'basics' in AA and got my 'fine tuning' in Al-Anon!
Love and hugs,
The second hardest thing was learning to take a compliment and just say 'thank you,' without trying to counteract the compliment with long explanations about whatever the compliment was about.
Neither of those defects ever came up in my first 3 years in AA working on my 'alcoholic side.' Only when I joined Al-Anon did I start to get into the 'finer points' of me, lol
Thank you Astro for starting this thread. I believe that those like you and I with one foot in each program are truly double winners! Got my 'basics' in AA and got my 'fine tuning' in Al-Anon!
Love and hugs,
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 
Neither of those defects ever came up in my first 3 years in AA working on my 'alcoholic side.' Only when I joined Al-Anon did I start to get into the 'finer points' of me, lol
I believe that those like you and I with one foot in each program are truly double winners! Got my 'basics' in AA and got my 'fine tuning' in Al-Anon!
I believe that those like you and I with one foot in each program are truly double winners! Got my 'basics' in AA and got my 'fine tuning' in Al-Anon!
Oh, and when I was new to the program I looked up my first wife and emailed her to let her know I was a two-time "loser". She revealed to me that she'd been clean and sober for a few years, and straightened me out right away by informing me that we are indeed winners!
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
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Thanks Astro, for sharing this.
Once I learn the value of the word 'no' my 'yes' is so much sweeter.
When I said yes...much of the time it was because I wanted to feel needed or appreciated. My true friends will be there regardless of whether I say yes or no...and now I am better able to identify a friend from someone who merely wants what I have to give.
I can say yes or no without all of that excess baggage. It's a more simple, straighforward way to live.
It takes courage to say no--- but the ultimate outcome of doing it makes life not only easier to manage but much more enjoyable and productive.
Once I learn the value of the word 'no' my 'yes' is so much sweeter.
When I said yes...much of the time it was because I wanted to feel needed or appreciated. My true friends will be there regardless of whether I say yes or no...and now I am better able to identify a friend from someone who merely wants what I have to give.
I can say yes or no without all of that excess baggage. It's a more simple, straighforward way to live.
It takes courage to say no--- but the ultimate outcome of doing it makes life not only easier to manage but much more enjoyable and productive.
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Originally Posted by cmc
When I said yes...much of the time it was because I wanted to feel needed or appreciated. My true friends will be there regardless of whether I say yes or no...and now I am better able to identify a friend from someone who merely wants what I have to give.
Originally Posted by Still Waters
No!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
What??????? what do you mean n....what? ..o? what?
LOL.
Down here you got to have an excuse for not attending events or doing what others want, NO is really badly seen!! A nation of codies!!
Great thread!!!!!
LOL.
Down here you got to have an excuse for not attending events or doing what others want, NO is really badly seen!! A nation of codies!!
Great thread!!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
I remember when I was in my 20's and I was telling my mother some long story. The gist is somebody wanted me to accept a favour but my gut feeling was that they would then try and use it for manipulation later - that wasn't paranoia, they weren't straightforward people. But simultaneously I felt bad because they were trying to be nice to me.
My mother just looked at me bewildered and said, Just say no to it. Don't ever be embarrassed to say no.
She was a fantastic woman. It would be such a compliment to me if somebody said I was turning into my mother. The thing is after 8 years of marriage to an alcoholic I was turning into my mother-in-law but I'm changing again so there is hope.
My mother just looked at me bewildered and said, Just say no to it. Don't ever be embarrassed to say no.
She was a fantastic woman. It would be such a compliment to me if somebody said I was turning into my mother. The thing is after 8 years of marriage to an alcoholic I was turning into my mother-in-law but I'm changing again so there is hope.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Thank you for this reminder! I struggle with 'no' a lot...big people-pleaser here. I like the idea that saying no when you mean it, means your yes-es are more effective and true. I think that applying that would be pretty life-changing.
Right now I'm dealing with making some big decisions about which jobs to take and whether to use childcare...and I realised that I'm afraid to ever turn down any opportunity, as if there won't be another one coming along that's better for me. I'll take something even if it's not really what I want, simply because THEY want ME. Low self-esteem at the root of it, I guess.
Right now I'm dealing with making some big decisions about which jobs to take and whether to use childcare...and I realised that I'm afraid to ever turn down any opportunity, as if there won't be another one coming along that's better for me. I'll take something even if it's not really what I want, simply because THEY want ME. Low self-esteem at the root of it, I guess.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
I needed to hear this today, now. I said no to my RAH and now to his codie daughter. She has unfortunately picked up his lying behaviors, but I have started to say no (I'm still wobbly). The new boundary? Step-daughter has lied about getting financial aid for this year-we have found out she has not applied and the deal is if she is not enrolled by the Spring (with lots of documentation to support this by the end of September '09), then I take the car away that was given to her, paid car insurance and paid cell phone.
The Codie in me...is saying-"how can you do that to someone"...? But, I know better-I need to say no and stick with it. Thank you for the thread...
The Codie in me...is saying-"how can you do that to someone"...? But, I know better-I need to say no and stick with it. Thank you for the thread...
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Mermaid, the lessons she will learn by being forced to be accountable for her actions are a hundred times more valuable than anything she will learn sitting in a classroom.
You are doing the right thing. This is from someone who BEGGED for help to go to college, and never received it from my parents (it all went into booze).
Set your boundaries and keep them, and you will be doing her a much bigger favor in life.
You are doing the right thing. This is from someone who BEGGED for help to go to college, and never received it from my parents (it all went into booze).
Set your boundaries and keep them, and you will be doing her a much bigger favor in life.
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