Minder

My 25 year old son is...or I should say was...a third year law student. He goes to school about 700 miles from where we live. He dropped out of classes early in his last semester claiming overload and stress (this was last March). We found out in May that he's actually abusing, and become addicted to, an over the counter substance. He's also doing some drinking. The substance he's taking isn't designed to be ingested and can cause high blood pressure.

The bottom line is that we've done everything we can to try to get him to stop. He had agreed to get help but didn't. We then tried an intervention with professional help. It almost worked but my son absolutely refused to do in-house treatement and they wouldn't except him for outpatient for fear that his blood pressure may spike while driving. As such, it went nowhere.

We have eliminated all enabling - money (though we never gave him much - he lived off of school loans), I have refused to cosign his apartment (so he's now within a few weeks of eviction) and last week I took back my car that he's been using.

I just found out that he's still enrolled for this coming semester and has been able to procure a significant student loan. Seeing how much he's declined over the last six months, I don't beleive that he has a chance of success in school at this point. My fear is that he's going to get the money (enough to live on for another 6 months or so) and continue down the path he's on. So now the question...do I tell the school (as I'm not sure they can do anything anyway since I can't prove anything and he's an adult)? Or do I let him continue down the path and fail. My telling the school will allow him to permamently blaim his failure on my wife and I. I also don't think it will drive him to request help. I know we shouldn't "enable", but telling the school is "disabling" - should it be done. At this point my son is extremely stubborn. Telling the school may drive him to permamently drop communication and forever refuse help from us (we've continued to offer to assist with his getting help when he's ready).

Sorry for the long winded story but I need to make a decision as to whether to talk with the school in the next couple of days. Thanks

Seren

Hi Minder,

Welcome to SR! You have found a great place for advice and support and shared experience!

My future stepson (~30 yo) is a crack addict. He had used crack in the past, but started back in heavily after he nearly died from alcohol last summer. He was sent to intensive outpatient rehab after going through DTs at the hospital......he has the tools he needs, but he is not using them.

This young man also came into a lot of money after he totaled his vehicle and we believe that he essentially smoked it all (~$3,500). My fiance and I also believe he has tried to "enroll" in different schools in order to obtain student loans. There was nothing we could do to keep him from that money, and at the moment, it is unlikely that even if you call the financial aid office of the university that they would be able to stop the loan. Believe me that it scared us to death thinking about the out of control crack addict with that much money!!!

Once the university realizes your son is not attending classes, his enrollment will be dropped and all of his loans will come due (once you are not a student--time to pay back).

Right now, there are outstanding warrants for my future stepsons arrest--we believe based on his financial fraud. Your son, too, may have similar consequences based on his behavior. Our hardest lesson was to step back and let him deal with these consequences because there was truly nothing else we could do.

Hugs, prayers, and best wishes with your decision. HG

marle

I always found that if I tried to create a crisis for my addicted daughter, it always came back and bit me in the butt. You are doing the right thing by not enabling. Now let it go and let him live with the consequences of his actions. He will have to pay that money back someday as my daughter is now learning. Hugs, Marle

Impurrfect

((Minder)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for the reason you're here!

I'm a recovering addict.

I can tell you what has had the most impact on me. I've had to deal with a LOT of consequences since I've gotten into recovery, the majority of them financial. I sometimes think I will never get out of debt.

However, it only strengthens my recovery, every single day, knowing that by staying in recovery and making good choices today, at some point, hopefully, I will no longer be paying for all the consequences I was stupid enough to cause back when I was using.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

teke

HI, welcome. sorry you had to be here but glad you found us. i agree with the others, hands off the addict, take care of yourself. let go and let god.

i'm praying for you, your family with a special prayer for your son

dslalonde

I agree, Minder.
Your son is 25 year old. He is now a man.. That means he must be treated as such.
Hands off.........At least you will not bear the burden of his financial troubles as so many parents have had to do in the past. Your interference with school would definitely damage your relationship. All you can do is be there for him and help him when he is ready for recovery.

sojourner

Minder: He won't get all that money in his hot little hands. I think the majority of it will go directly to the school to pay for classes - a blessing since he won't have the money to buy drugs with. I guess with the rest he's supposed to pay for his housing? When my kids got student loans, they did not get any cash - it all went to the school even the part for housing. But i guess there are different types of student loans.

Anyway, i agree with everybody else about your staying out of it as far as the finances. But you can be a voice that says, "love you son, you've got a drug problem, i can't help you be sick, but if you ever want to be well i'll help in whatever way i can." Read, read, read, learn, learn, learn about what drugs does to a body physically, emotionally, spiritually and the best way for you to intersect with all that.

"Addict in the Family" by Beverly Conyers is a great book. There's another book with that name by a different author - i can't speak for that book because i have not read it. You mention your son has a wife - perhaps she has bottomed out and is ready to accept help.

You and your family have been prayed for...

Minder

Thanks to everyone that replied. I'm convinced that I need to stay away from contacting the school. I know there's no way he can get through the semester and he's using school, and the related school loan, as a way to get more money and buy time to continue doing what he's doing. On the other hand, if he doesn't attend classes, it won't last long and will all come crashing down fairly soon.

Thanks again to those who replied. Hopefully my son will eventually get to the point of wanting to get some help. Hopefully it won't be too late.

peaceteach

Putting your son in his HP's hands, and turning your own fears over to your HP, really does make you feel better. I remember feeling a sense of relief when I realized that I was powerless over my son's addictions, that I did have a choice to not enable him anymore but that all my worry and fears over him weren't accomplishing anything, and that perhaps prayer would.

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome from another mom...
It sounds like you have done all you can. Now be patient.

sleepygoat

I too had no sucess when trying to force consequences with my AD. But I do want to say they may be as pissed off as humanly possible at us, but they get over it fast when they want something. I thought my kid would never speak to me again for calling the cops on her when she stole from us. (not a forced consequence; just a consequence of breaking the law an committing robbery) But she got over it. They get over it.

Truth be told, they aren't really that concerned with us, what we do or don't do, or what sort of relationship they have with us.
They are concerned with using drugs and with using anyone else who will help them to use drugs. That includes us as parents,but they aren't really particular that way.
The using drugs is all consuming; the relationships with parents, friends, etc, is all very much an afterthought for them. In one respect, this is a very depressing state of affairs. But in another way, it totally frees you as a parent. It doesn't matter what you do - you can't make them use, you can't make them love you, you can't make them stop using, you are powerless. Therefore, they are free to use until they want to change, and you are free to live your own best life.