Toomutch

I cannot stop thinking about death, I don't know what’s wrong with me; I will feel fine for a few minutes but then my thoughts go back to wanting to die. I had a serious breakdown earlier when my daughter and son weren't listening to me, I feel so ashamed. My husband came home after I had my meltdown and I was sitting out back crying my eyes out. I told him how I've been feeling; he had an eye appointment so he asked my other son to sit with me while he is gone. Once again "shameful"... Another thought that keeps popping up is that if I have a drink I will settle down because I never felt like this when I was drinking. Whatever is going on with me is going to have to change or I'm not sure I will stay safe.
I know I've been going on about this a lot; I really need to vent in order to not feel so alone.

mtnmagic

Suzette - What you are going through is not shameful, but I do understand that it feels that way. I promise you, a drink would only feel better for about 8 minutes, max and then more depression would come your way.

I understand struggling with suicidal thoughts and not understanding why they will not go away. Please call your Doc, ASAP. I know you dread further hospitalization and want to deal with this on your own. Your life is precious and valuable. Whether your med's need adjusting, whether you just need to be safe for awhile longer, there is no shame in getting help for yourself. I pray that you do.

mikefreak

Suzette, I have suffered from depression all of my life, & I had morbid thoughts about dying also. One of the many reasons I drank so long was because I knew I would not be able to withstand the wave of depression that would envitably come when once I became sober. So I got help & got some antidepressants. I don't get a buzz off of them, it just mellows me out somewhat. It's NOT shameful or weak for you to do so IF that is what would help you. It's better than drinking. Are you a spiritual person? That helped me too- to realize I wasn't alone anymore, & that the Lord would get me through whatever travails lie in wait for me on the road of life. I' NOT a fanatic about this, but prayer & meditatiom have helped me tremendously. Be gentle with yourself.............................

Bamboozle

Please call your doctor.

barb dwyer

************************************** Too }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Awwww, hon.
I know what you mean.
Even now, if I get twisted out ovver something
it takes HOURS for it to calm down.

Because I used to calm those feelings
with a shot or two.
'Just to settle down'.

We have feelings.
But we are not ... our feelings.
We just have them.
And we feel them...
until they go away.

We're not used to that at first.
Hell, we're not used to it even 'later' IMO.


But these things DO pass.
They really do.

Toomutch

I have bipolar disorder and have more recently been troubled by rapid cycling. I was in the hospital at the beginning of July for a suicide plan and they changed my meds. Obviously something is still not right, in fact I think I feel worse than I did then. I am not rapid cycling right now so much, but depressed with relentless thoughts of wanting to die.

Zencat

My hopes are you'll be able to challenge those suicidal thoughts the best you can. I known from my past experience with suicidal thoughts outside intervention was called for. Most times the best bet is to seek help from caring professionals and get medically stabilized...at least that has been my experience...and man-o-man that has saved my life more than once.

Rowan

I'm still working on tweaking my own meds, but thankfully I haven't been suicidal since getting out of the hospital.
Keep venting here if it helps, but please consider calling your pdoc to get seen as soon as you can. You don't need to suffer like this.
I understand. Hugs.

Toomutch

I'm trying to decide whether or not to call the crisis hotline tonight and tell them I need help, or just wait until the morning when I see my therapist at 9:45. I think I'll be safe tonight but I dont want my new therapist to think this is simply out of the blue.

vegibean

Hey, I hope things go well at the therapist's today. Keep venting and posting. I know it helps me. Also these people here are great support. You're doing great Suzette whether you know it or not. Good luck, I hope you all get some things working for you soon. :ghug3

Hevyn

Thinking of you as you go to your appointment this morning, Suzette. I hope it goes well and you'll feel some hope for the future.

Tazman53

Suzette even if you are doing better today please let the doc know how you have been doing. If the hospital is needed go, stay sober, listen to your doc, be open with your doctor, find a way to deal with what you need to deal with.

My depression was situational and the steps took care of them, I very rarely have the doom and gloom feelings anymore, when I do, I have a solution for them that does not involve even thinking about a drink, instead I pray, I meditate, I take a self inventory, I call people who have been through what I have gone through, I lean upon thier ES&H as well as on my HP. There are times when my HP is the only thing that stands between me and returning to the old insanity, I maintain a spiritual connection with my HP, he is always there for me, all I have to do is have faith and a willingness to do what he needs me to do.

KenL

Sending you prayers and hoping that soon you will find peace of mind, body and soul.

least

I too have found myself wanting to die and that's really scary. I hope your therapy appt is helpful to you. You are in my prayers.:praying

four812

sending you kindness and caring and hopes for relief from the pain.

i know your pain.

as you know

hang in there and do something if you can.

IO Storm

Dear Suzette..

I understand.

I have severe BP type I with a mixed state. That means..hyper, and depressed ..

(at the same time)..not fun attall.

I had a meltdown last week...and a fleeting suicidal thought.

Just one.

But a lot of shameful thinking. My doctor put a stop to that..quick!

"No shame, Sherrrry!"..she said in her beautiful Pakistani accent..

The fact is, S....we have a biochemical disorder that messes our heads up at times.

It is during these times..that our thoughts are hard to "hang on to"...and our

feelings are unreliable at best.

As Barb said..they are just feelings.

Remember this.."feelings are NOT facts." Never act on them.

No matter what.

Act on what is safe right now. Listen to your doctor...and try positive self-talk.

Push out any and all negative thoughts as best you can.

Be good to yourself right now...in your own mind.

No matter what.

Hugs, and prayers!

joedris

Hey Suze, Depression can be really debilitating. I suffered with it for years, but never to the point that you're at now, and I hope I never get there. You need some serious help here. Be blunt with the new therapist and tell him/her exactly how you feel and what's been going on in your life.

And forget about popping that drink. It may make you feel better in the moment, but will do nothing to get to the core of your problems. Reality rears it's ugly head when we stop drinking and we see it ain't a pretty sight. But we have to deal with it head on and stop running to the bottle. That's the only way things are going to get better. My experience is that this isn't easy, but it can be done if we work hard enough at it. We're all rooting for you Suze.

Toomutch

Went to my appointment yesterday and cried the entire time. Ift seemed that my therapist was irratated with me and I with her. This is only the 2nd time Ive met her and she was acting like she knew exactly what was best for me. I was in the middle of a panic attack and all I wanted to do is go to the hospital and be safe. She didn't think it was necessary, so I came home and waited for my pdoc to call. He changed my meds and I don't notice a huge difference. I did manage to get out and go hiking this mornigh with my daughter and I'm not having as many death thoughts. My moods are fluctuating alot. I can go for happy to so pi$$ed I'm swearing in an instant and than to sad. The mind is very complex and I just hope the can figure mine out.

joedris

You may want to look into getting a new therapist. My experience is that when one thinks they know everything, they really know very little and are apt to fake the rest. This one sounds scarey.

sfgirl

I don't know anything about your situation or bipolar or being suicidal. However, when I read this, perhaps because of the way it was written it made me think that the thoughts of death were compulsive like OCD, like an anxiety disorder where the compulsion had become death thoughts, because then you also mentioned shame and later a panic attack. I just thought I would throw that out there even though that is probably totally not what it is. I hope you feel better soon and I second shopping for a new therapist.