Between a Rock & a Hard Place
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Between a Rock & a Hard Place
It's been awhile since I've posted. Mainly because I felt I didn't have anything to contribute. As most of you know my AD is a crack addict. My AD has relapsed several times, each time being a few weeks after returning to her husband. When she went back to him back in April I told her no more. That she would no longer be welcome to come back to my home to live. Of course, 3 weeks later, she relapsed, and I was strong, told her no. Felt good that I kept to my boundary. She went to live with her sponsor. Then with a month clean, she once again goes back to him.
Yep, you got it, 3 weeks later she's using. So after a few day binge, a friend drops her off at my door. (knowing that I didn't want her to stay here) She has burned her bridges with all of her friends. Of course, I suggested detox, 1/2 way house, homeless shelter.
I gave in & let her spend the nite. I did make it clear I did not feel she should be here.
And here's where I falter, we had a long talk, but you all know how that is. Saying all the things I want to hear, like I'm done, I really want to work on myself, I'm never going back, when I live here I don't have urges to use. (they live in a neighborhood where the dealer is a few house away...this part I know is true) Said she is hanging on by a thread, there is a small thread of hope to live.
I feel so strongly that if she is on the streets, she will prositute herself til death comes. Just typing that out, brings tears to my eyes and fear to my heart.
Asked my H to talk to her, he refused. Today, I was sick & shaky all day.
I've prayed & prayed.
Okay, friends, please don't yell & scream at me too loud. I don't think I'm up to it.
Yep, you got it, 3 weeks later she's using. So after a few day binge, a friend drops her off at my door. (knowing that I didn't want her to stay here) She has burned her bridges with all of her friends. Of course, I suggested detox, 1/2 way house, homeless shelter.
I gave in & let her spend the nite. I did make it clear I did not feel she should be here.
And here's where I falter, we had a long talk, but you all know how that is. Saying all the things I want to hear, like I'm done, I really want to work on myself, I'm never going back, when I live here I don't have urges to use. (they live in a neighborhood where the dealer is a few house away...this part I know is true) Said she is hanging on by a thread, there is a small thread of hope to live.
I feel so strongly that if she is on the streets, she will prositute herself til death comes. Just typing that out, brings tears to my eyes and fear to my heart.
Asked my H to talk to her, he refused. Today, I was sick & shaky all day.
I've prayed & prayed.
Okay, friends, please don't yell & scream at me too loud. I don't think I'm up to it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sweetie, we've all been where you are and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't, but what matters is how YOU are through it all.
You have some good recovery under your belt and know how to set boundaries and keep them, so maybe that's the course that will work for you.
If this doesn't work, perhaps have a list of alternatives for her, such as detox, rehabs (Salvation Army rehabs cost nothing), or sober living places such as Oxford House may help.
We don't have to be their only option, and we are surely not their best option. That said, I can't say that if I was in your shoes and she was my daughter, I might give it another try, or at least temporarily until other arrangements can be made.
Whatever you decide to do, just know that we're walking beside you. As CatsPajamas often says, "Being the mom of an addict isn't for weenies".
Hugs
You have some good recovery under your belt and know how to set boundaries and keep them, so maybe that's the course that will work for you.
If this doesn't work, perhaps have a list of alternatives for her, such as detox, rehabs (Salvation Army rehabs cost nothing), or sober living places such as Oxford House may help.
We don't have to be their only option, and we are surely not their best option. That said, I can't say that if I was in your shoes and she was my daughter, I might give it another try, or at least temporarily until other arrangements can be made.
Whatever you decide to do, just know that we're walking beside you. As CatsPajamas often says, "Being the mom of an addict isn't for weenies".
Hugs
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, sorry to hear about your daughter. no yelling or screaming here either. you are a good parent and you have to do what is best for you and for now, maybe this is it. i'm praying that she finds her way soon and that you stay strong, find peace and continue to take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
No yelling from me either...
I've walked in your shoes (we all have) and I know how difficult the journey is....
"A thread of hope" is sometimes all we have
my son relapsed often.... usually a few weeks after a positive in patient rehab experience
he went to meetings and always met another newbie and went down the same path over and over again
what i want to say is this
he is clean over three years now and I did not know that his last time was his last time...
do what feels right
don't give up before the miracle
you and your daughter are in my prayers
I've walked in your shoes (we all have) and I know how difficult the journey is....
"A thread of hope" is sometimes all we have
my son relapsed often.... usually a few weeks after a positive in patient rehab experience
he went to meetings and always met another newbie and went down the same path over and over again
what i want to say is this
he is clean over three years now and I did not know that his last time was his last time...
do what feels right
don't give up before the miracle
you and your daughter are in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I'll save my yelling and screaming for her if we were to ever meet, how's that?
I only want to remind you that you're strength is endless. You only need a little rest to tap into it.
Every boundary gets tested and sometimes that test is a scorcher. I don't think I could have turned her away after being dropped my doorstep either, certainly not combined with her outpouring of hopeful declarations.
It's one night. You're a compassionate mother. Let her have a bed and a meal. You would do that for any of us, I'm sure.
Tomorrow when the new day arrives, you will rethink how you feel about what she has said and if you want to proceed with helping her again. If you decide too, I would suggest telling her that if she relapses and goes back again, you will call the cops to have her removed from your property with the heart to heart next time.
Deep breathe in and out. Repeat.
We're here to listen not to judge or criticize so keep posting!
Best wishes.
Alice
I only want to remind you that you're strength is endless. You only need a little rest to tap into it.
Every boundary gets tested and sometimes that test is a scorcher. I don't think I could have turned her away after being dropped my doorstep either, certainly not combined with her outpouring of hopeful declarations.
It's one night. You're a compassionate mother. Let her have a bed and a meal. You would do that for any of us, I'm sure.
Tomorrow when the new day arrives, you will rethink how you feel about what she has said and if you want to proceed with helping her again. If you decide too, I would suggest telling her that if she relapses and goes back again, you will call the cops to have her removed from your property with the heart to heart next time.
Deep breathe in and out. Repeat.
We're here to listen not to judge or criticize so keep posting!
Best wishes.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
My AD (also crack) has a somewhat similar pattern in that she always leaves treatment/rehab before completing the 30 days (usually way before that) and returns to her boyfriend, who immediately picks her up from rehab,takes her home, and supplies her with free crack every day until the next time she feels like trying to get clean. The old pattern was that I'd stop everything and do the 'get my kid into treatment' dance (including calling out from my job, and staying with her 24/7 until a bed was found )- and then my mother (her grandma) would foot the bill for the rehab. After the 8th time of not completing treament and going back to her free-crack-supplying BF, we (me and my mom) said "NO MORE".
When this BF literally plucked her off the streets where she was prostituting for crack, and put her into a much safer apartment, it seemed like the greatest thing. Yes, I did sleep much better knowing she was off the streets. But now it finally dawns on me (2 years later), that as long as she has free crack, a roof over her head, and somebody to pick her up from treatment whenever she gets an urge to 'use', she's highly unlikely to ever get clean. I find myself sort of, kind of, wishing the BF would throw her out on the street again, where she might actually decide she prefers rehab and getting clean after all to that street-***** life....
But on the other hand, I dare not actually ask God for such a thing as him throwing her out - scary to think of all that fear and uncertainly again, not knowing where she is, etc... So I really do understand the dilemma you are in. We don't want them in such terrible danger on the streets, where like is so cheap, where we won't know where or how to find them, or if they are alive... But we so want them to hit their bottom and not be enabled - by us, by the boyfriends, or by anyone else...
I have started to pray that God help my AD get and stay clean "by whatever means necessary", and I'm leaving it at that.
I hope that knowing I identify with your conflict is of some help. You are allowed to change your mind, and you are also allowed to change it back again!
When this BF literally plucked her off the streets where she was prostituting for crack, and put her into a much safer apartment, it seemed like the greatest thing. Yes, I did sleep much better knowing she was off the streets. But now it finally dawns on me (2 years later), that as long as she has free crack, a roof over her head, and somebody to pick her up from treatment whenever she gets an urge to 'use', she's highly unlikely to ever get clean. I find myself sort of, kind of, wishing the BF would throw her out on the street again, where she might actually decide she prefers rehab and getting clean after all to that street-***** life....
But on the other hand, I dare not actually ask God for such a thing as him throwing her out - scary to think of all that fear and uncertainly again, not knowing where she is, etc... So I really do understand the dilemma you are in. We don't want them in such terrible danger on the streets, where like is so cheap, where we won't know where or how to find them, or if they are alive... But we so want them to hit their bottom and not be enabled - by us, by the boyfriends, or by anyone else...
I have started to pray that God help my AD get and stay clean "by whatever means necessary", and I'm leaving it at that.
I hope that knowing I identify with your conflict is of some help. You are allowed to change your mind, and you are also allowed to change it back again!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
No yelling from me either.
You wrote:
Isn't it ironic how we actually struggle with the same things ourselves as codependents, whether our addict is a child, spouse, sister, etc.?
If nothing changes, nothing changes. It took several years for me to get sick and tired of doing the same thing over and over with my AD before I realized nothing had changed, and I was doing a disservice to her and me both. I was losing myself completely in the chaos.
She's a smart girl, knows where the recovery resources are, including sober living facilities, and yet she chooses to remain active in her addictions.
I no longer take a front seat to her insanity.
:ghug2
You wrote:
Saying all the things I want to hear, like I'm done, I really want to work on myself, I'm never going back
If nothing changes, nothing changes. It took several years for me to get sick and tired of doing the same thing over and over with my AD before I realized nothing had changed, and I was doing a disservice to her and me both. I was losing myself completely in the chaos.
She's a smart girl, knows where the recovery resources are, including sober living facilities, and yet she chooses to remain active in her addictions.
I no longer take a front seat to her insanity.
:ghug2
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Thank you all for your kind words, understanding & prayers. (and no yelling
After hitting the streets again today, (yep it didn't seem like her declarations meant much) she found her way to another program friends house. She asked if I would pick her up there, after work. I prayed the whole way there, for calm and the right way to handle this.
Her friend has 7 years clean, thank God she went there, a safe place. Anyway, she asked me to take her to the hosp, for detox & pysch evaluation. That's where she is now, hopefully she will be transferred to another facility that is for both mental (she's bi-polar) and drug issues. Hopefully, they won't let her out after 72 hrs. (or b/4) She was very angry when I left as she would not be seeing the pysch doctor til tomorrow.
It is so very hard sometimes, knowing what is best. Especially when you see them with some recovery time, and then it all falls apart again.
Hopefully, I can relax some & get some sleep. I'm beat.
Chris
After hitting the streets again today, (yep it didn't seem like her declarations meant much) she found her way to another program friends house. She asked if I would pick her up there, after work. I prayed the whole way there, for calm and the right way to handle this. Her friend has 7 years clean, thank God she went there, a safe place. Anyway, she asked me to take her to the hosp, for detox & pysch evaluation. That's where she is now, hopefully she will be transferred to another facility that is for both mental (she's bi-polar) and drug issues. Hopefully, they won't let her out after 72 hrs. (or b/4) She was very angry when I left as she would not be seeing the pysch doctor til tomorrow.
It is so very hard sometimes, knowing what is best. Especially when you see them with some recovery time, and then it all falls apart again.
Hopefully, I can relax some & get some sleep. I'm beat.
Chris
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm sure you will sleep well just knowing she is in a safe place. I imagine a lot of the anger is related tot he crack earlier...My sweet daughter turned so nasty when she did crack...
Prayers that she stays. and that they don't let her out in 3 days. Hugs for you, dear Chris.
Prayers that she stays. and that they don't let her out in 3 days. Hugs for you, dear Chris.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Sometimes we have to "be there" as it just might be what can change the course of a downward spiral. Even if it is "just for now"
At any given time we can only do what seems right in the moment.
At any given time we can only do what seems right in the moment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
I am so close to a melt-down. She's NOT cooperating with the hosp, she's called me at least 15X today, at work, where it is part of MY job to answer the phone. After I stopped listening to her & hung up, she just keeps calling back. And I keep hanging up, I'm praying & praying. She wants out, she wants me to pick her up, I don't love her, I'll never see my grandkids again, blah, blah, blah.......I know that this is just her anger, I know this is not personal, but d@mn how much can a mother take. I used to think with my program I had it together. Today I'm not so sure. So far, I have been able to say NO, and I know that's is the right thing to do. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Chris))) - even though she's been through the recovery thing before, the crack is still calling to her. She's trying to say no, but is extremely furious at how much of a hold it has on her, so she is taking it out on you. At least thats what I did.
No, it's not fair to you...not at all. It's like I told my 16-year-old niece who yelled "I hate you" to me the other night, and I quickly said "no you don't" and we kept arguing. She must have apologized to me 20 times, many of them in tears. I told her we take out our frustrations, anger, etc. on the people we love and feel safe with...the ones we know who won't throw us away. She said "the ones we love the most, sometimes we treat the worst..I'm sorry"
I am sorry she's driving you crazy. Crack doesn't have that physical craving, but boy it still gets you mentally. She knows how to get into another frame of mind, but until she does, she's going to be mad at the world and blame everything on everyone, but most of it on you. I would definitely not take her calls or see her for a while.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
No, it's not fair to you...not at all. It's like I told my 16-year-old niece who yelled "I hate you" to me the other night, and I quickly said "no you don't" and we kept arguing. She must have apologized to me 20 times, many of them in tears. I told her we take out our frustrations, anger, etc. on the people we love and feel safe with...the ones we know who won't throw us away. She said "the ones we love the most, sometimes we treat the worst..I'm sorry"
I am sorry she's driving you crazy. Crack doesn't have that physical craving, but boy it still gets you mentally. She knows how to get into another frame of mind, but until she does, she's going to be mad at the world and blame everything on everyone, but most of it on you. I would definitely not take her calls or see her for a while.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Serenity Bound 
I used to think with my program I had it together.
Everyone has a limit and everyone is going to react when they've been pushed too hard. The only choice we have at that point is how we react. What choices do you have with your actions, emotions or a combo of both?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
