Newbie (parent of user) with Q about "hitting bottom"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1
Newbie (parent of user) with Q about "hitting bottom"
I learned about 36 hours ago that my 20 y.o. daughter has been shooting heroin for the past few months. She bypassed alcohol and pot and went straight for the hard stuff. She will go to an outpatient detox clinic tomorrow morning. Now I'm reading these forums and everything I can find online and I'm worried about the "enabling" and the "relapsing" and the "hitting bottom" that so many users and families talk about. Is it possible to detox from heroin and return to her "normal," pre-heroin life, and that's it? I believe she wants to stop using and get her life back on track (college, part-time job,) but there seem to be so many horror stories of people trying and failing to kick heroin. Needless to say, I'm scared to death. Desperately hoping for some reassurance that she can beat what seem to be terrible odds for getting/staying clean.
Can anyone help? Or should I just prepare the for worst?
Can anyone help? Or should I just prepare the for worst?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Word, I'm glad you found us.
I am sorry about your daughter and I know the heartache of watching someone we love destroying their lives with drugs.
I found with my son that they will do as well at any program as their willingness to get clean and stay clean. It's a good sign that she is willing to go to this program, but we never know if and when they will find recovery and hang on to it.
We can't do it for them, but we can help ourselves. I know that what saved my sanity after years of frustration and tears was to go to meetings where I could surround myself with live support and where I learned how to work a program that literally saved my life.
If there are any Alanon, Naranon or CoDA meetings in your area, you would be doing yourself a big favour to try them out. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Keep reading here, others will be along to share. Just know that you are not alone and that we are here to walk with you on this journey.
Hugs
I am sorry about your daughter and I know the heartache of watching someone we love destroying their lives with drugs.
I found with my son that they will do as well at any program as their willingness to get clean and stay clean. It's a good sign that she is willing to go to this program, but we never know if and when they will find recovery and hang on to it.
We can't do it for them, but we can help ourselves. I know that what saved my sanity after years of frustration and tears was to go to meetings where I could surround myself with live support and where I learned how to work a program that literally saved my life.
If there are any Alanon, Naranon or CoDA meetings in your area, you would be doing yourself a big favour to try them out. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Keep reading here, others will be along to share. Just know that you are not alone and that we are here to walk with you on this journey.
Hugs
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome to sr. sorry to hear about your daughter and i'm so glad to hear that she is ready to go for help. you ask if there was hope, Yes, there is always hope but it depends on how committed she is about staying clean once detox is over.she will learn all the tools she needs then the rest is up to her. addiction is a very hard habit to kick but not impossible. i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs sober but i also know that it would only take one slip and my addiction will take off like a rocket.
you seem to be a good parent, you've pointed her in the right direction. maybe you could continue to read around the forum, educate yourself and keep posting as much as you like. i know its hard but you've done all you could, now its time for you to take care of you. others will be alone shortly to welcome you and to share a few words of their wisdom. you are not alone here. i'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers
you seem to be a good parent, you've pointed her in the right direction. maybe you could continue to read around the forum, educate yourself and keep posting as much as you like. i know its hard but you've done all you could, now its time for you to take care of you. others will be alone shortly to welcome you and to share a few words of their wisdom. you are not alone here. i'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Westland, Pennsylvania
Posts: 247
I am so sorry about your daughter my son died 11-08 of herion overdose. Herrion is a killer and very hard to stop even when someone wants to stop. And just going to a detox will not help the mind to not want the drug. detox takes it out of the body not the mind. If your daughter is wanting to stop she has a good chance if not the evil drug will drag her back in. Herion is just plain evil. Over dose is a big problem because they don't know what they are buying strong or weak. I will be praying for you and your daughter this one is hard to kick.
Maggiemac
Maggiemac
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Hello there from another mom with a daughter who acquired the heroin habit, at 19.
How did you learn of her addiction?
If possible, she should be tested for Hepatitus, HIV and STDs. It's all a part of the lifestyle of a heroin addict.
What does outplacement detox mean? How long does this last?
Detoxing from heroin is the easy part. She is likely to be very sick, ala the worst flu ever. Will she receive medicne to make her more comfortable or go cold turkey? Regardless, it will pass in 5-10 days. Then what?
More than likely she will crave her drug of choice, more than life itself. She has to want to stay clean, more than life itself. Easier said than done.
Does she live at home? Is she in school? Is she employed? Does she have access to a car? Does she have healthcare insurance? What's her social life like? Has she stolen from you? Has she been arrested for stealing? It's all a part of the lifestyle of a heroin addict.
Most importantly, right now, is for you to stay out of her recovery. This is her battle. You cannot love her out of addiction. You cannot talk her out of addiction. You cannot pay her way out of addiction. This is her battle. Give her the dignity to fight it.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. She owns it and her own recovery.
No one is ever a lost cause. I sometimes think addicts are among the very last to understand this, about themselves. They have to learn to love themselves enough to beat it.
How did you learn of her addiction?
If possible, she should be tested for Hepatitus, HIV and STDs. It's all a part of the lifestyle of a heroin addict.
What does outplacement detox mean? How long does this last?
Detoxing from heroin is the easy part. She is likely to be very sick, ala the worst flu ever. Will she receive medicne to make her more comfortable or go cold turkey? Regardless, it will pass in 5-10 days. Then what?
More than likely she will crave her drug of choice, more than life itself. She has to want to stay clean, more than life itself. Easier said than done.
Does she live at home? Is she in school? Is she employed? Does she have access to a car? Does she have healthcare insurance? What's her social life like? Has she stolen from you? Has she been arrested for stealing? It's all a part of the lifestyle of a heroin addict.
Most importantly, right now, is for you to stay out of her recovery. This is her battle. You cannot love her out of addiction. You cannot talk her out of addiction. You cannot pay her way out of addiction. This is her battle. Give her the dignity to fight it.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. She owns it and her own recovery.
No one is ever a lost cause. I sometimes think addicts are among the very last to understand this, about themselves. They have to learn to love themselves enough to beat it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
Most importantly, right now, is for you to stay out of her recovery. This is her battle. You cannot love her out of addiction. You cannot talk her out of addiction. You cannot pay her way out of addiction. This is her battle. Give her the dignity to fight it.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. She owns it and her own recovery.
No one is ever a lost cause. I sometimes think addicts are among the very last to understand this, about themselves. They have to learn to love themselves enough to beat it.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. She owns it and her own recovery.
No one is ever a lost cause. I sometimes think addicts are among the very last to understand this, about themselves. They have to learn to love themselves enough to beat it.
My 24yo daughter is a drug addict, her drug of choice is Oxy's (pain med). She has been in and out of recovery for the last 2 years. She went 7 months at one point. I believe that was because she was on medication, she was in outpatient treatment 3-5 days a week, and she went to meetings, religiously. What happened, I don't know, but what I do know is that without the meetings and treatment she cannot stay clean. Right now she chooses to try and do it by herself. Just wanted you to know I am saying a prayer for your daughter, and you. This is not an easy road for parents.
Gotahavfaith
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
There is just no way to know or predict who will get clean, who will stay clean, who will relapse, who will live or who will die.
I am the mom of a crack addict daughter. My AD has been unable to put together longer than 12 days clean, after 8 tries in treatment. However, I recently met another young lady who got clean the first time her parents intervened and sent her into treament - and its 5 years later and she is still clean and has a good life (which includes regular NA meetings, BTW). So is there hope? yes, where there is life there is always hope. But there are no guarantees, no majic formulas, and really, truly, (and the sooner you believe this, the sooner you will start to experience some peace) - nothing you do or don't do will get your child clean unless she wants to get clean. it is not your battle, but hers and her higher power's. Welcome to this very strange association of mothers and others you have found here. We do support each other, and we do learn to live our lives no matter what our children do or don't do - but it isn't easy and it surely isn't without pain.
I am the mom of a crack addict daughter. My AD has been unable to put together longer than 12 days clean, after 8 tries in treatment. However, I recently met another young lady who got clean the first time her parents intervened and sent her into treament - and its 5 years later and she is still clean and has a good life (which includes regular NA meetings, BTW). So is there hope? yes, where there is life there is always hope. But there are no guarantees, no majic formulas, and really, truly, (and the sooner you believe this, the sooner you will start to experience some peace) - nothing you do or don't do will get your child clean unless she wants to get clean. it is not your battle, but hers and her higher power's. Welcome to this very strange association of mothers and others you have found here. We do support each other, and we do learn to live our lives no matter what our children do or don't do - but it isn't easy and it surely isn't without pain.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome to SR from another parent of an addict (she's 31 years old).
This much I can tell you. The best help that you can be is to find recovery for yourself in the rooms of Naranon or Alanon. There you will find other loved ones who have learned to heal from the effects of addiction.
A good starter book is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and I also encourage you to educate yourself further on addiction by reading the stickies at the top of this forum.
It is possible to live a full life in spite of what the addict is/isn't doing.
Although my daughter has never embraced recovery, I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands, and stay out of the way of his plans for her.
:ghug2 :ghug2
This much I can tell you. The best help that you can be is to find recovery for yourself in the rooms of Naranon or Alanon. There you will find other loved ones who have learned to heal from the effects of addiction.
A good starter book is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and I also encourage you to educate yourself further on addiction by reading the stickies at the top of this forum.
It is possible to live a full life in spite of what the addict is/isn't doing.
Although my daughter has never embraced recovery, I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands, and stay out of the way of his plans for her.
:ghug2 :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Welcome from another mom of an addict son. I know I spent years with my focus on "getting him clean" from a pill addiction (prescription meds, I think starting in my own home with pain pills from a surgery I had). I love the book Freedom mentioned, Codependent No More. Very eye-opening for people who love an addict or alcoholic. Please educate yourself, take advantage of learning how YOU have been affected by HER disease, and what YOU should REALLY be doing. I was way more of an enabler than I realized with my son, WAY more. Coming here to SR instantly opened my eyes to my son's life-long problem and how it was really up to him, not me, to choose recovery and to make it happen for himself. What was up to me was to take care of 'me' and make sure I didn't go down that slope of addiction with him - unhealthy for both of us. Welcome, but sorry you have to be here. Please, please keep reading and learning. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Welcome to SR Word,
I am a mother of a Recovering Herion Addict. My son was clean for 6 months and had a relapse, but he asked for help quickly. He went back to rehab, and now has been clean for almost 3 years. Is there hope YES but your daughter will have to want to stay clean. Please take care of yourself, go to meetings, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or any other you can find. They help since everyone in them know how you feel,what you are going thru. We do not judge but offer support. Nar-Anon has saved my life, and let me learn so much more about this disease of Addiction. I also went to NA meetings and listen and asked the recovering addicts questions, they are willing to answer. It is nice when we are talking in our meeting and a recovering addict is walking by, if they hear someone in pain they will stop in our meeting and tell the person straight out what they feel. They really care about us when they are clean and want to help us any way they can.
Keep coming back here you will find support here.
Keeping you and your daughter in my prayers
I am a mother of a Recovering Herion Addict. My son was clean for 6 months and had a relapse, but he asked for help quickly. He went back to rehab, and now has been clean for almost 3 years. Is there hope YES but your daughter will have to want to stay clean. Please take care of yourself, go to meetings, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or any other you can find. They help since everyone in them know how you feel,what you are going thru. We do not judge but offer support. Nar-Anon has saved my life, and let me learn so much more about this disease of Addiction. I also went to NA meetings and listen and asked the recovering addicts questions, they are willing to answer. It is nice when we are talking in our meeting and a recovering addict is walking by, if they hear someone in pain they will stop in our meeting and tell the person straight out what they feel. They really care about us when they are clean and want to help us any way they can.
Keep coming back here you will find support here.
Keeping you and your daughter in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter is also a recovering heroin addict, age 23. She has been clean for 14 months. When she was 19 she went to her first rehab, but she was not ready to be clean. She too wanted to go back to college, etc. but the drug was just too strong for her to overcome at that time. Also she still was living a middle class lifestyle. It took her losing everything to finally be willing to do what it takes to be clean. She went to rehab the second time and stayed on at the halfway house. She got herself on Suboxone and has over the last 14 months weaned herself from 16 mgs. to 4. She goes to as many meetings as her work schedule allows and she stays away from people, places and things. She will be going back to college at the end of this month. Even though she has made a lot of progress over the last year, I still practice my program on a daily basis, live my life one day at a time and stay grateful that for today she is clean. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I'm an RA (recovering addict) but also have A's (addicts) I love, so I'm a "double winner" - I know addicition well from both sides.
I understand that you probably feel that the rug has been snatched from underneath your feet, leaving you in a pile on the floor. The good thing is, the great people here are more than willing to help you to your feet, and walk with you, giving you the options of roads we've traveled..some that helped, some that didn't.
Another book I read that I gave to my dad was "An Addict in the family". I thought it was really good. My dad, on the other hand, never read it. He's incredibly proud of how far I've come in the past 5 years, but his attitude toward addiction is "the less I know, the better off Iam: Fortunately, I have other family members and friends who are much more supportive.
Which brings me to what I wanted to say. I have an aunt and a family friend who have known me most of my life. They have been some of the most supportive people I've had during my recovery. Add a dear friend I've made from here at SR, or 2, and that about sums up my support team.
When I am struggling, these are the people I turn to. If it's something only another addict would understand, obviously I turn to the SR friends, plus a thread i have here full off RA's and I get the support I need. If it's just life stuff, dealing with consequences, work driving me crazy, whatever, I talk to my other 2 support people. They are always thrilled to hear from me, rarely have the solution, but the very fact that I can vent and we can just talk about the situation makes the solution more attainable and we both feel better after the conversation.
My point is, my dad can't be that type of support person. First of all, if I were ever to tell him "I'm stressed and I want to use" it would freak him out. Even as that is coming out of my mouth, I have NO intention of using, but the addict in my is screaming for relief. Another addiction understands. Even my other support people understand. My other support people know my dad...very, very well, so they're a huge support when I'm having problems at home.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is your daughter needs to find a support system AWAY FROM THE FAMILY. Yes, support IN the family is awesome and great to have. But she has GOT to have the support of other recovering addicts who konw what she's going through.
Sorry this got so long.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm an RA (recovering addict) but also have A's (addicts) I love, so I'm a "double winner" - I know addicition well from both sides.
I understand that you probably feel that the rug has been snatched from underneath your feet, leaving you in a pile on the floor. The good thing is, the great people here are more than willing to help you to your feet, and walk with you, giving you the options of roads we've traveled..some that helped, some that didn't.
Another book I read that I gave to my dad was "An Addict in the family". I thought it was really good. My dad, on the other hand, never read it. He's incredibly proud of how far I've come in the past 5 years, but his attitude toward addiction is "the less I know, the better off Iam: Fortunately, I have other family members and friends who are much more supportive.
Which brings me to what I wanted to say. I have an aunt and a family friend who have known me most of my life. They have been some of the most supportive people I've had during my recovery. Add a dear friend I've made from here at SR, or 2, and that about sums up my support team.
When I am struggling, these are the people I turn to. If it's something only another addict would understand, obviously I turn to the SR friends, plus a thread i have here full off RA's and I get the support I need. If it's just life stuff, dealing with consequences, work driving me crazy, whatever, I talk to my other 2 support people. They are always thrilled to hear from me, rarely have the solution, but the very fact that I can vent and we can just talk about the situation makes the solution more attainable and we both feel better after the conversation.
My point is, my dad can't be that type of support person. First of all, if I were ever to tell him "I'm stressed and I want to use" it would freak him out. Even as that is coming out of my mouth, I have NO intention of using, but the addict in my is screaming for relief. Another addiction understands. Even my other support people understand. My other support people know my dad...very, very well, so they're a huge support when I'm having problems at home.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is your daughter needs to find a support system AWAY FROM THE FAMILY. Yes, support IN the family is awesome and great to have. But she has GOT to have the support of other recovering addicts who konw what she's going through.
Sorry this got so long.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Dear WordNerd, Here is my advice in a nutshell:
Learn all you can about alcoholism and addiction. Go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or if they are unavailable in your area, any "open" 12-step meeting will help. Ready yourself for the ride of your life, get connected with folks like those on SR, those in 12-Steps, and especially with your friends and family to provide the support and distraction from your daughter's addiction that you will need.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself, learn stress-reducing techniques like deep breathing and yoga, eat right, start good sleep habits, exercise. Keep looking forward to and focusing on YOUR future, anything you might want to do someday, goals, whatever.
Another thing, drop any guilt you may have about this. I have found that all the parents I've talked to who have an addicted child (including my own parents) express guilt that they CAUSED the child to become this way. YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE of this. Start commanding yourself THIS VERY DAY, over and over and over, "NO GUILT." Guilt is poison. Also, as Freedom mentioned above, it helps me when I start feeling guilty about this kind of thing, to repeat until I don't need to repeat anymore, "I did not CAUSE it, I cannot CONTROL it, and I cannot CURE it."
Hope, yes hope. But try to keep it at a realistic level. By reading books on the diseases of alcoholism and addiction, and by reading posts here and attending 12-step meetings, you will learn what is reasonable and what is not.
To answer one specific question you had, regarding whether or not it is possible for her to go back to "normal": I do not know much about how heroin affects the brain over time. But I have known many people who have done serious drugs for many years. My observation is yes, I believe that if they recover quickly enough their personalities pretty much remain intact. But the longer they keep using and abusing, the greater the personality changes, and the less likely they will be the same person if and when they do finally begin to get clean.
I hope this information is helpful to you. My heart truly aches for you.
Learn all you can about alcoholism and addiction. Go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or if they are unavailable in your area, any "open" 12-step meeting will help. Ready yourself for the ride of your life, get connected with folks like those on SR, those in 12-Steps, and especially with your friends and family to provide the support and distraction from your daughter's addiction that you will need.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself, learn stress-reducing techniques like deep breathing and yoga, eat right, start good sleep habits, exercise. Keep looking forward to and focusing on YOUR future, anything you might want to do someday, goals, whatever.
Another thing, drop any guilt you may have about this. I have found that all the parents I've talked to who have an addicted child (including my own parents) express guilt that they CAUSED the child to become this way. YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE of this. Start commanding yourself THIS VERY DAY, over and over and over, "NO GUILT." Guilt is poison. Also, as Freedom mentioned above, it helps me when I start feeling guilty about this kind of thing, to repeat until I don't need to repeat anymore, "I did not CAUSE it, I cannot CONTROL it, and I cannot CURE it."
Hope, yes hope. But try to keep it at a realistic level. By reading books on the diseases of alcoholism and addiction, and by reading posts here and attending 12-step meetings, you will learn what is reasonable and what is not.
To answer one specific question you had, regarding whether or not it is possible for her to go back to "normal": I do not know much about how heroin affects the brain over time. But I have known many people who have done serious drugs for many years. My observation is yes, I believe that if they recover quickly enough their personalities pretty much remain intact. But the longer they keep using and abusing, the greater the personality changes, and the less likely they will be the same person if and when they do finally begin to get clean.
I hope this information is helpful to you. My heart truly aches for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Normal is how they got to this place. If they ever want to find and maintain recovery, normal has to change. The same thing goes for us on this side of the fence.
"If nothing changes, nothing changes."
"If nothing changes, nothing changes."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 121
Welcome Word,
I agree with what everyone has said.. My daughter started with pot and alcohol and progressed to harder drugs - the last few years -- crack. She has participated in three treatment centers as awll as meetings. She is currently clean and sober - it has been only been three months.
She feels that all the rehabs that she attended were very important in her wanting sobriety eventually.
At the time she attended, she was not willing to give up the lifestyle, but when her life became extremely hard to maintain as a drug addict, she sought treatment herself and is trying to live a clean and sober lifestyle. She thanked me for the time she spent in treatment, even though it seemed like (at the time) she rejected it. She felt it gave her the strength and tools she needed, when SHE decided it was time to change.
(Some of her acquaintenances from rehab 4 years ago are clean and sober)
I also tried to educate myself with readings and attending meetings. I thought if my daughter would change, I would not have any problems, through education and the progression of knowledge, we can move forward in spite of what our loved ones are doing with their lives.
Stay Strong, Do the Best You Can do for Her and Yourself and remember the three C's
Hugs and Best Wishes..
I agree with what everyone has said.. My daughter started with pot and alcohol and progressed to harder drugs - the last few years -- crack. She has participated in three treatment centers as awll as meetings. She is currently clean and sober - it has been only been three months.
She feels that all the rehabs that she attended were very important in her wanting sobriety eventually.
At the time she attended, she was not willing to give up the lifestyle, but when her life became extremely hard to maintain as a drug addict, she sought treatment herself and is trying to live a clean and sober lifestyle. She thanked me for the time she spent in treatment, even though it seemed like (at the time) she rejected it. She felt it gave her the strength and tools she needed, when SHE decided it was time to change.
(Some of her acquaintenances from rehab 4 years ago are clean and sober)
I also tried to educate myself with readings and attending meetings. I thought if my daughter would change, I would not have any problems, through education and the progression of knowledge, we can move forward in spite of what our loved ones are doing with their lives.
Stay Strong, Do the Best You Can do for Her and Yourself and remember the three C's
Hugs and Best Wishes..
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
detox is not recovery ...only the beginning to making it possible.
Recovery takes lots of time and often involves several attempts.
Some of us here had our son or daughter get very low for a long time...and now
they are in recovery. My own son is in his 3rd rehab and he is in his final month
of an 18 month program and doing amazingly well !
I ACCEPTED my own need for help and found it through alanon for many yrs.
My son and I have both come a long way. Recovery is a journey.
May you and your daughter be ready. No matter her progress you can make your own.
.
Recovery takes lots of time and often involves several attempts.
Some of us here had our son or daughter get very low for a long time...and now
they are in recovery. My own son is in his 3rd rehab and he is in his final month
of an 18 month program and doing amazingly well !
I ACCEPTED my own need for help and found it through alanon for many yrs.
My son and I have both come a long way. Recovery is a journey.
May you and your daughter be ready. No matter her progress you can make your own.
.
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