Breathe of fresh air !!!!!

Old 08-10-2009, 03:02 PM
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Cool Breathe of fresh air !!!!!

LONG UPDATE!

Well I don't know what struck me on Saturday, I just got all sensitive and cried and cried for hours and said "ok, I'll let this out for the Nth time, no judgment to myself this time"

I listened some trigger songs and remembered the 2 or 3 instances where F was still a good person (or so I believed anyway). His hopeful smile and once when we walked/ran under the rain... and slept cozily in my apartment.. and when we went to a town and how happy he seemed to be when I arrived to the hostel.

Man is mourning a drag!!! Then I cuddled with the kitty (which by the way has grown up a lot!)

I woke up with a sense of calm and release and moving on and letting go, of course working from home these days have helped A LOT and I am starting to get anxious about seeing him tomorrow.. I know sometime soon he will be put in my same account, talk about stress, but well for now I am at home without worries

AND some good news!!!!!

My bank account was in ZEROES... then on Friday I was told some savings were deposited and it was much more than I expected and feel like a millionaire, I had never been in posession of so much money (at least compared to my usual amount, lol) JUST FOR ME... and thought "thanks F, if it wasn't for you I would not have seeked a better job" and was actually happy I stayed after all... and realized after all its still stressful, etc but nothing like before.. I guess the thick of the storm has passed and I am quite grateful, this has been the most difficult thing I have ever done!!! with what you have helped me understand I just know I am no going there anymore.. to that hell....

Changing topic:

I bought a nice black dress!!!!! My geeky self always wears skirts below the knees,.. well this one is well above them LOL and it makes me feel quite confident! I bought it so I am not such a grinch and go out dancing or for a drink more often.

With the dress they gave me a card for free makeup, I wonder when I am going to use it....... because bf does not seem to notice or care much!!//

I am no longer angry with alcoholic drinks and I enjoy them again, one or two maximum once in a while. Bf asked for "permission" to drink a beer when we went for lunch... and I almos patted him mockingly saying "good boy, good boy" LOL

No well, I told him.. you don' t have to ask me..... but thanks for asking my opinion...

The other day he did something I didn't like and I said it and he said "oh perhaps you are going to spray me, just like you educate your cat" so I went to grab the spray I use for the cat and when he was not looking I sprayed him on his back LOL! we ended up laughing.

I went to ride a bike at a park yesterday.. man am I out of shape..

I also invited my NON-A bf to a posh dinner to celebrate my earning$.. I could sense he felt uneasy as I earn more than he does... but then again he is younger and still studying so... he may get a good paying job soon (crossing fingers) and hopefully his fragile ego will be ok but I was able to dettach from his stuff and enjoy the dinner ! Once he said his dream is for me to stop working..and I was like please, hurry up.. LOL (but of course I won't stop)

With that $$ I decided to pay for some swimming lessons....I got bad circulation and sitting still for 8-10 hours doesn't help, so hopefully in an hour I'll take a bath and take my lazy a$$ to the club and pay and perhaps even start tomorrow!! 6 AM lessons.. and a 20 minute walk.. dance lessons... martial art lessons.. kundalini yoga... I want to do all that!!

I thought sports are the best way to spend my money....

Aw, life is so good when you can stop the obsession for the drug of choice and realize it comes from an unhealthy place that is NOT you....

I have accepted I miss ex as a friend, NOT as an ex, and I am easier with myself because he was honestly my best friend in the city and it has been tough making a life without the support I thought I would have...

Then again I see MY life now... good job.. really nice apt!! (I bought an indoor bamboo!!!) good friends... good bf... more time to spend in sports... and I think of December last year on my sleeping bag with a nervous breakdown, a zombie and I am now able to pat my own back and think.. YOU MADE ALL THIS HAPPEN........ no one did it for you... and if someone wrongs you again or you don't like something.. and are left nowhere with no one.. you would be able to create a nice life for yourself again....

And it is sinking more how I really had nothing to do with F's problem... how ridiculous it was to think I did something wrong.. granted, not to say I was not a willing doormat... but I am talking in regards to his alcoholism or binges... as they say in a Sticky, "its easier to blame a woman's weight or how she keeps her kitchen than accepting you are an addict and mysoginist" well....... as long as he keeps doing all that, but far away from me...... I' m good

I also thought about the new enabler, and thought, why do women hate each other?

The person that did all the bad deeds was HIM... she is just someone in for a ride buying all his BS and his lies. I imagined how it would be like to live in your bf's room, and share home with 2 other guys you don't know, and have them look down on you because you do not pay anything and they are the ones paying for all the services... not to have a car and be able to say "hey, I feel like going to Puerto Vallarta this weekend" or drive to the mall by yourself or go anywhere you want with your own friends... to wake up to an alcoholic, making plans for the future... to know that you can't make your bf angry or disagree with anything because you will be out without a car and a ride to your job and having to ask your estranged brother for a home again.... to earn little money..to have to walk to your bf's office knowing his ex is there and have him parade you infront of ppl that are also friends or know his ex... to have to meet him at his workplace because you do not have the keys to the place you sleep in... listening to his drunken snoring and not being able to sleep somewhere else... ANYWHERE.. not to mention be able to drink as much as your guy, I mean what with the numerous affections for women drinkers... how is that something GOOD?

I am writing this from my own king size bed where I wake up to a good guy... i take my keys and close MY door... i start the engine of MY car.. i travel and drive anywhere and put MY music and call anyone and can have anyone stay with me... I manage my finances... I can look for and take any class I am interested in...

How could I ever envy HER? Envy WHAT EXACTLY?

I noticed I am living in heaven and took for granted so many things.. I could never ever live that way..without FREEDOM... without a CHOICE.. I can imagine her tired wanting to go home a Sat night while he is at his second jack daniels bottle with his drinking "friends", acting like a jerk and ignoring her... then being disrespectful in intimate moments...

I recall when I saw them together the first time she looked down on me from his car... believing she got the best part of the deal

Of course one thing is to rationalize this and another, running into them but I am getting there..


Hard not to feel protected and guided by God.

I feel stronger
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 08-10-2009, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
...
The person that did all the bad deeds was HIM... she is just someone in for a ride buying all his BS and his lies. I imagined how it would be like to live in your bf's room, and share home with 2 other guys you don't know, and have them look down on you because you do not pay anything and they are the ones paying for all the services... not to have a car and be able to say "hey, I feel like going to Puerto Vallarta this weekend" or drive to the mall by yourself or go anywhere you want with your own friends... to wake up to an alcoholic, making plans for the future... to know that you can't make your bf angry or disagree with anything because you will be out without a car and a ride to your job and having to ask your estranged brother for a home again.... to earn little money..to have to walk to your bf's office knowing his ex is there and have him parade you infront of ppl that are also friends or know his ex... to have to meet him at his workplace because you do not have the keys to the place you sleep in... listening to his drunken snoring and not being able to sleep somewhere else... ANYWHERE.. not to mention be able to drink as much as your guy, I mean what with the numerous affections for women drinkers... how is that something GOOD?

I am writing this from my own king size bed where I wake up to a good guy... i take my keys and close MY door... i start the engine of MY car.. i travel and drive anywhere and put MY music and call anyone and can have anyone stay with me... I manage my finances... I can look for and take any class I am interested in...

How could I ever envy HER? Envy WHAT EXACTLY?

I noticed I am living in heaven and took for granted so many things.. I could never ever live that way..without FREEDOM... without a CHOICE.. I can imagine her tired wanting to go home a Sat night while he is at his second jack daniels bottle with his drinking "friends", acting like a jerk and ignoring her... then being disrespectful in intimate moments...
i can TOTALLY relate to this. i gave up my entire life to move to be with my xabf. no friends, no family, no car, no job, no burning desire for alcohol or weed as a crutch to get me through my days...and as it turns out not even a stable, loving boyfriend, for whom i moved thousands of miles. i felt completely alone and isolated.

now i'm back with friends and family, i can get in my OWN CAR and go to my OWN JOB that i got for myself, and even though it doesn't pay much i earned it for MYSELF. i don't have to worry any more if i'll have to sleep at whoever's house we're at b/c xabf has finished a bottle of vodka and is slurring and stumbling, on the brink of a passout. and i no longer have to deal with being disrespected and verbally and emotionally abused and abandoned.

it's nice to be able to take control of your life again. once you go without it's really easy to pinpoint what you took advantage of. going forward, that's one of the things i'm trying to work on.

i also understand the envy though. my xabf is out of the country for work so we've kind of had a forced "no contact" thing, but i'm fearful for when he gets back. i'm sure another enabler is just around the corner. but just remember that she's not getting anything better than what we got. just more of the same nonsense, and we deserve better than that. a lot better!
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Old 08-10-2009, 08:37 PM
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Hi queenie,

Thanks for the post.. I believed she was getting the good him he stated there was nothing else but to learn from the mistakes and not repeat them again in the same breath he stated he will drink until the last day of his life (I always remember this because its a good reminder of his plans)

LOL
Either I'm moving on or I already went insane.

Ah yes queenie, but well WE decided to move.. we were not dragged by our hair.. I decided to stay in the city... everyday I decide to keep this job and show up to it... I was the one who arrived and said "this won't work"... he had a beer on his hand that afternoon...

We did all we could... and if we are no longer with them, whatever the reason, we are blessed.... truly blessed.... the progression and destruction I witnessed sucked and it is the start of his career... I don't want to be part of the next disaster. If this has been stressful for us imagine with kids, finances, etc. honestly I don't know how other posters deal with them... they are very strong.

You are better off without him queenie, you truly are. It takes time but it will get better. Can't you imagine he left to another place for good? When I do not see ex I imagine he is dead. My obsession stops...


.
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Old 08-11-2009, 06:03 AM
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I can imagine her tired wanting to go home a Sat night while he is at his second jack daniels bottle with his drinking "friends", acting like a jerk and ignoring her... then being disrespectful in intimate moments...
Sadly...this was becoming MY life. And you are right - NOTHING to envy there.....it all became so exhausting.

And in regards to your crying episode - heck I'm over a year out and I still do that occasionally....I just let it happen and I always feel better afterward.
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