jehnifer

With the help of you guys...and a therapist...and of course having a HP with me every day...I am finally inching toward a new me...

This morning my hubby tried to get into a rant..."You never...blah blah blah..." "Why are you acting like that...?" etc. Here is what I said...simply...

"I hear what you're saying, I understand how you feel. I will talk to her." (referring to my daughter because of something he wants her to do). Then I exited the room. It made him soooo angry and frustrated. He wanted to keep at it...at ME. I would have nothing of it. Now what he doesn't know is how fast my heart was racing! But he probably did hear fear in my voice when I spoke up to him. But that's OK, at least I am trying!

My guess is that it will be uncomfortable when I get home from work tonight. He's not done, in other words. But I have a plan in place. I won't allow myself to be on the receiving end - and will do what I feel is necessary to stay away from it.

Honestly, I really want an excuse to say, "Enough! This is not what I want, it's not working for me...etc." Baby steps...

Love to you all on this Monday!!!

Pelican

My guess is that it will be uncomfortable when I get home from work tonight

Please don't spend your day obsessing over this thought. It may not happen, and you will have wasted precious moments of your day.

You have a plan in place if he should try to engage you again this evening, great! Your plan is your next right move and you will be taking care of yourself. Great!


Now, stay in your moment. Deep breath, inhale peacefulness, exhale fear. Enjoy your Monday!

:ghug3

JMFburns

Sounds like you're working on your recovery with a plan in place to deal w/quacking husband. Remember what your boundaries are, stay safe within that plan and keep your HP close.

ItsmeAlice

How fantastic! You are starting to put up a stop sign in front of him with your words and more importantly your actions. His quacking and ranting serve no person but to make himself feel better, bigger, in control etc. Having a short concise scripted sentence in response that is both direct but not angry cuts him short and gives you an exit.

You are seeing the expected response from him, which is to take offense. Not because you said something offensive or did something upsetting. It's because he did not get the relief he set out to receive by quacking at you.

When I began this process with my XABF, he was very put off by it. He was out of sorts and didn't know what to do with himself. He pitched fits...he tried to be sweet as pie...he tried to manipulate in every way to get a response out of me. Anything but the detached "Oh that's too bad...gotta go" he was getting from me.

The more practiced you get at it, the better you will feel. Him...not so much.

Best to you!!

Alice

jehnifer

"Oh that's too bad...gotta go"

love it! that's exactly where i need to be

jehnifer

OK so you guys were right I shoundn't have worried about what his attitude might be like when I get home from work...because no matter what I came home to...there wasnt anything I could have done about it anyway. So i did waste a few precious hours of my life. I am mad at myself but (I kinda shift into this mode of bopping around happy so I dont feel anything or let him know how I am affected)...its progress not perfection, right?

So I came home, made dinner and...I get the cold silent treatment. Oh well...so after a couple of attempts at light small talk, I gave up...took the dogs for a walk...did some yoga...and watched one of my favorite tv programs. Its just not a real happy place to be. I feel like saying a cuss word right now...the one that begins with an "f". Something like... I dont give a f@#%$ anymore! ha Ha. But... this growing awareness and my willingness to keep trying and discovering more about myself, and my faith in a hp make me grateful. Even tho its just not much fun being here. Oh well.

thanks for listening. I appreciate you guys!!

Still Waters

I prefer silence to quacking.

jehnifer

I hear ya Still! Silence is better in a lot of ways. But...Im just feeling really tired of this. I mean, why the h&*# do we even have to deal with it in the first place? Are these two year olds we're dealing with? Don't answer that...!! Ha ha...I don't do this to other people, and its just unacceptable for me to have to live with it.

OK so tomorrow...will it be a good day for Big Baby? Or another bad day? well i suppose if say and do all the right things my chances will be greater for a him to be nice. its bu#$sh$$. sorry. im gonna says some prayers and try to get some sleep.

Still Waters

Five year olds I think.

Sleep well jehn

ItsmeAlice

Hey J!

Your evening sounded crazy similar to how I spent the first 7 months of this year. There were the rare moments when XABF and I would connect with conversation, but they were fewer and farther in between then I would have preferred of course.

I filled my evenings with learning to cook new recipes, working (I work at home), working out, playing with the pets, and cruising SR.

I understand how you feel about it just not being enough for you and just not being how you want to spend your life. If anything, it is great lesson in detaching from others and the drama they put on you. Not just the addicts in our lives, but anyone. I find I take the moods of other less personally and my days are completely derailed when someone's issues affect me. It's a much healthier way to be for sure.

Create a life for yourself aside from him even though he's still in the same living environment as you. You will find your new life takes on a power of its own and it will be far easier to move on away from him if that is where your path leads.

I know we look at progress not perfection...and oh, the progress you've made!!!!

Alice

jehnifer

I have decided...after another sleepless night and too much anxiety...that I need/want to talk to my husband and let him in a bit on how I am feeling. Perhaps I have done us both a disservice by not communicating where my emotions are. Not to make him feel bad but to just let him in on how I feel. I mean, he never hesitates to let me know how "he" is feeling, so then why shouldn't I? Because I am scared. Of his reaction....of his ability to turn things around so quickly that before I can blink he has rattled off all the reasons why "I" am feeling this way. "you dont...blah blah blah" or "you never...blah blah blah."

I cant, I mean I won't live in a home where i feel...nervous, anxious and scared...and guilty for trying to move through it by carving out acitvities that satisfy me and make me happy!...all the while he's in a stew. Now how sick is that?

The real frightening thing for me at this moment is that I struggle so much mentally and emotionally that I feel close to "going crazy." I don't feel safe or secure. I feel nervous and scared. Problem is I don't really know what I want...to do about it... I am not sure what it will take to relieve this. But I think that opening up to my husband might be a good start.

Should I tell him how I am feeling? And yes, I have seen a therpaist about this. And yes I am taking a an anti anxiety medication. What is wrong with me? Help.

GiveLove

Jehnifer,

What does your therapist say about this? Can she suggest an approach that would not make him defensive? Getting help from the pros can be really helpful in making it a successful experience.

Also, be cautious to "play the tape all the way through." Think about what his reactions might be, give them a label in your mind ("supportive/constructive," "denial and blame," "angry counterattack," etc.) so you can be prepared for whatever you get back.

I am a big advocate of speaking our truth. But I'd be very, very, very, very clear on what your intent is here, and what your expectations are. Your husband does not strike me as someone who is willing to change his behavior just because it is making you unhappy (sad but true). He doesn't mind the way things are, and (from what you've shared with us) is very likely to tell you this is all your problem.

So be clear on what you want the results of such a conversation to be, and even rehearse what you're going to say. Your therapist should be able to help you think this through. Can you get an appointment to make a plan, so you can get some sleep?

Still Waters

The only thing my feelings were good for, for my AH, were to be used against me. Just another tool for his continued mental and emotional abuse.

I understand why you want to be heard and understood, but active alcoholics are deaf.

swert

When I talk to my AH he takes my own words, turns them into his words and uses them against me. My feelings are nothing to him. He cares about his feelings and his needs in the first place.
I know how you feel, I feel the same way. WE'RE NOT CRAZY TRUST ME!
:ghug2

jehnifer

I dont have the answer to What is my intent? or What do I want? other than to have a candid conversation about how I feel. But from what you say...that is a dangerous place to go because of my husband's potential reaction of turning it around to me...and saying it's my problem. In the end I would not have accomplished much except to lay it all out there.

But what I dont want...is to keep all this inside only for it to come out sideways by acting all uncomfortable at home. It feels more and more awkward to pretend that I am not painfully bothered inside. I don't want it to get to a point where I blow up and create an ugly scene. Cant I just ease into this in some way?

The therapist had suggested that I continue working on writing my feelings down on paper as if in a letter to my husband...and that over time things will become clearer and stronger to me, and i will find myself at some ready to have a conversation. I guess I was hoping I was at that point today and would talk to my husband tonight.

jehnifer

And it's really disheartening to think that we dare not open up to these people and share what is on our hearts and minds because they will get defensive, turn it around on us, fall on deaf ears, etc etc. That's not a relationship at all. That is H3LL.

GiveLove

You are exactly right about this.

That's why many folks try relationship counseling after, or in addition to, personal counseling. You two have very different ways of dealing with life, you've discovered, and one of you wants to find common ground, while the other appears to want things to stay the same. Joint counseling can sometimes help determine whether there is anything there to fix - whether the stubborn partner is even interested in finding a solution that works for both, what communication tools you might use so it doesn't all stay bottled up. I forget whether you guys have tried this or not...?

I understand exactly how you feel, jehnifer. I can't stand to keep my own VERY legitimate feelings inside either. I just have to watch my expectations that airing them out is going to change my situation. If you've thought this through, and are ready for any response, and it'll let that painful emotional logjam loose...why not?

ItsmeAlice

You are right...it is not a relationship when your feelings are not worth more than something to be used in defense of an addiction.

Part of my recovery was to curb my need to have my emotions and my needs and wants validated by my XABF. There were times when I felt our heart-to-heart talks were productive and that I was really being heard, but the acknowledgment by him was always short lived. After more addict behavior that hurt me, he would act surprised when I was angry. He would go right back to telling me he had no idea he was upsetting me so and no idea I was so unhappy. WTF??! Are you kidding me?! Yet, again I was left to feel crazy and left to emotionally fend for myself.

When I curbed my need for validation from outside myself and started focusing on what I should be doing to strengthen my emotional and spiritual health, I understood what folks here told me about not putting my energy into explaining myself to him.

Until your AH has worked on his own issues and stopped his own cycle of addiction, your emotional and spiritual health are of no concern to him outside of its use to progress his addiction. Talking to him about it can help you to feel you've gotten it off your chest, but any desire you have for validation or acknowledgment of your feelings from him will go unrequited in the long run. This is part of accepting your lack of power over this disease. Accepting that the alcohol and his need for it has its own agenda. You need to have your own agenda that benefits you not hinders you.

As your recovery progresses, you will not need to explain anything to him. He will figure it out for himself.

Wishing you the best!

Alice

Still Waters

I just wanted to add: Not lip service to recovery, not claiming to be "fixed" and all recovered. Actual real recovery.