He Really Is Having Sex with the Widow
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
He Really Is Having Sex with the Widow
I don't even know how to start this post. The "Ex-" who I never wanted to be in a relationship with in the first place, but somehow got sucked into one because of my extreme emotional & codependency issues which made me want to help him, is an alcoholic crackhead who is also addicted to gambling and regularly has sex with whomever.
After a year of my "helping" and tolerating him and getting my heart broken on a regular basis, he got 4 months clean "because he wanted to marry me and loved me, quack-quack," dry drunk, no program. I was so happy because I really thought he had done it, and all for me!
Until late January of this year. He had some stress in his life (my screaming at him didn't help) and got $600 in his pocket, and ran off. After a few weeks, his excuse for staying away was that his "very best friend" since he was 13 (Ex is 48 now) was dying of cancer, and he devoted himself and his life to helping with caring for him. He stayed by his bedside until he took his last breath. I knew the entire time what he was doing, that it was all a scam and an excuse, and that he was probably after the widow's life insurance money to support him, etc. I suspected also that he was having sex with the widow, whom, as he has explained so many times, he "has no love for" and "hates because she took my best friend away from me," (by marrying his "best friend"). I have been sad since he left but kept living my boring life anyway. I have always been full of hope and longing for him to get clean so that we can have that great relationship again.
Long story short, he confirmed this weekend (without directly saying the words) that he started having sex with her pretty much as soon as the "best friend" died. I truly believe he was having sex with her even before the guy had died because he was practically living with her and by her side night and day. Good Lord, this is really making me sick but I've got to get this out.
He called me Saturday and left a voicemail to invite me to see his new house and swim in his pool. I started to get frantic because I KNEW something was coming to make me throw up. I knew he had leased this house so that the widow and her children (both less than 7 years old) could move in with him and I guess live happily ever after (I knew this from the mysterious voicemail he "accidentally" left me 2 weeks ago, where I could "overhear" him describing to the little boys how he had arranged it for them to have TVs in their OWN rooms)
. All this, he says, because he swore to the guy on his deathbed, that he would care for his family, and because the littlest boy is his Godson, quack-quack.
He has been pursuing this widow, f*#%@&g her, manipulating those poor little boys who just lost their father, etc., all while proclaiming his love to me, promising me a ring, telling me he wanted me to have his children, telling me how special we are together, quack-quack. Lying to me the entire time as if I did not know what he was really doing.
So he calls me back this weekend and tells me how much he loves me and wants to make us work, that he'll do ANYTHING I say (where have I heard THIS before?), quack-quack-quack. Then, in the same breath he admits that he has been having sex with this woman all this time, and that he was a SEX MACHINE with her. That they really had something together but SHE used HIM (which is true but beside the point) and dumped him, quack-quack). And he was doing ALL this out of love and devotion to his "best friend." Anyone but me see a slight contradiction here? :wtf2
Someone here two weeks ago replied to one of my posts and said this was "disgusting." Hearing this word to describe his behavior was VERY helpful to me. The reason is because I have a cognitive disability which makes it difficult for me to put words to describe what other people do. I have no problem reporting facts and describing myself and my own feelings.
But could you all please help me by replying to this post and giving me some words that describe his behavior and what I am witnessing? This would really help me to get out of my feelings and see it for what it is. Thank you for any feedback and/or sharing you can give me.
After a year of my "helping" and tolerating him and getting my heart broken on a regular basis, he got 4 months clean "because he wanted to marry me and loved me, quack-quack," dry drunk, no program. I was so happy because I really thought he had done it, and all for me!
Until late January of this year. He had some stress in his life (my screaming at him didn't help) and got $600 in his pocket, and ran off. After a few weeks, his excuse for staying away was that his "very best friend" since he was 13 (Ex is 48 now) was dying of cancer, and he devoted himself and his life to helping with caring for him. He stayed by his bedside until he took his last breath. I knew the entire time what he was doing, that it was all a scam and an excuse, and that he was probably after the widow's life insurance money to support him, etc. I suspected also that he was having sex with the widow, whom, as he has explained so many times, he "has no love for" and "hates because she took my best friend away from me," (by marrying his "best friend"). I have been sad since he left but kept living my boring life anyway. I have always been full of hope and longing for him to get clean so that we can have that great relationship again.
Long story short, he confirmed this weekend (without directly saying the words) that he started having sex with her pretty much as soon as the "best friend" died. I truly believe he was having sex with her even before the guy had died because he was practically living with her and by her side night and day. Good Lord, this is really making me sick but I've got to get this out.
He called me Saturday and left a voicemail to invite me to see his new house and swim in his pool. I started to get frantic because I KNEW something was coming to make me throw up. I knew he had leased this house so that the widow and her children (both less than 7 years old) could move in with him and I guess live happily ever after (I knew this from the mysterious voicemail he "accidentally" left me 2 weeks ago, where I could "overhear" him describing to the little boys how he had arranged it for them to have TVs in their OWN rooms)
. All this, he says, because he swore to the guy on his deathbed, that he would care for his family, and because the littlest boy is his Godson, quack-quack.He has been pursuing this widow, f*#%@&g her, manipulating those poor little boys who just lost their father, etc., all while proclaiming his love to me, promising me a ring, telling me he wanted me to have his children, telling me how special we are together, quack-quack. Lying to me the entire time as if I did not know what he was really doing.
So he calls me back this weekend and tells me how much he loves me and wants to make us work, that he'll do ANYTHING I say (where have I heard THIS before?), quack-quack-quack. Then, in the same breath he admits that he has been having sex with this woman all this time, and that he was a SEX MACHINE with her. That they really had something together but SHE used HIM (which is true but beside the point) and dumped him, quack-quack). And he was doing ALL this out of love and devotion to his "best friend." Anyone but me see a slight contradiction here? :wtf2
Someone here two weeks ago replied to one of my posts and said this was "disgusting." Hearing this word to describe his behavior was VERY helpful to me. The reason is because I have a cognitive disability which makes it difficult for me to put words to describe what other people do. I have no problem reporting facts and describing myself and my own feelings.
But could you all please help me by replying to this post and giving me some words that describe his behavior and what I am witnessing? This would really help me to get out of my feelings and see it for what it is. Thank you for any feedback and/or sharing you can give me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Sounds like a perfect opportunity for YOU to be done with this man, and move on with your life.
It sounds like right now he has his CAKE and is eating it too. (a little southern saying...
meaning like he's got his happy little life with the widow and pursuing you too... are you
will to share the man and continue living like this?)
It sounds like right now he has his CAKE and is eating it too. (a little southern saying...
meaning like he's got his happy little life with the widow and pursuing you too... are you
will to share the man and continue living like this?)
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you AnvilHead.
Yes, I agree.
Yes, I have been trying, and continue to try, to cut all ties. I am already done with him. I am trying to escape his continuous persistence to drag me back in. I have no boundaries; I am working on them. My weak boundaries are what got me into this mess to begin with. Thank you.
I don't care what he is doing. I have extreme emotional disorders. I am trying to work through my issues. I need help with the words. Thank you.
doesn't sound in any way helpful or healthy for YOU.
might be a good time to just cut all ties and be DONE???
who really cares what's going on in HIS sick little world?
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
are you will to share the man and continue living like this?
I need words from you all to help me see past my over-analyzing everything "intellectually." I have a disorder that keeps me from being able to connect what is affecting my emotions with my internal feelings. When the lady last week said his behavior is "disgusting" that helped me make the connection. For example, "I feel frantic because what he is doing is disgusting."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sounds like you have some pretty good words already, learn2live.
You feel disgusted, because what he's been doing is disgusting. Some other choice words that come to mind are sickening, lying, cheating, foul, and if you believe in hell, they are preparing his chair for him right now.
Here's a better word though: Detachment.
His life is his life. His choices are his choices. He's a sickening human being that you are better off without.
My word of the day for you: Fortunate. You are unbelievably lucky that you got away from this before you were drawn in any further than you were. Sorry you got into that as much as you did (it obviously still disturbs you that he's such a creep) but think of how much worse it could've been.
It must feel better to get all of that out. It's gross to read, but probably a good release to be able to share it.
Now. What are you going to do to put this sick mess out of your mind, out of your life, for good, like throwing the stinky rotten kitchen trash far away from you, and move on to something that really makes you happy instead?
You feel disgusted, because what he's been doing is disgusting. Some other choice words that come to mind are sickening, lying, cheating, foul, and if you believe in hell, they are preparing his chair for him right now.
Here's a better word though: Detachment.
His life is his life. His choices are his choices. He's a sickening human being that you are better off without.
My word of the day for you: Fortunate. You are unbelievably lucky that you got away from this before you were drawn in any further than you were. Sorry you got into that as much as you did (it obviously still disturbs you that he's such a creep) but think of how much worse it could've been.
It must feel better to get all of that out. It's gross to read, but probably a good release to be able to share it.
Now. What are you going to do to put this sick mess out of your mind, out of your life, for good, like throwing the stinky rotten kitchen trash far away from you, and move on to something that really makes you happy instead?
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi GiveLove, Thank you for all those great words! I especially like the description of him as "stinky rotten kitchen trash!" I know this sounds weird but I have learned that with this cognitive disability of mine, it is good for me to have very descriptive words that allow me to see a picture of what I am experiencing. So, THAT is REALLY helpful!!!
OK, you reminded me of my need to "Detach" and asked:
What I'm going to do is keep reading people's responses to my post and then I'm going to make a list of those words and carry them around with me in my purse. Everytime I start to feel sick or obsessed or whatever, I am going to say out loud to myself, "I feel _____ because his behavior is _______." This will help me to see how what is happening "to" me is making me feel. That is how I can detach. By doing this, I can put myself further and further away from it. That is what I am doing in the present moment. At the same time, I will choose not to answer any of his phone calls and not to accept or invite him into my life, for ANY reason.
OK, you reminded me of my need to "Detach" and asked:
Now. What are you going to do to put this sick mess out of your mind, out of your life, for good, like throwing the stinky rotten kitchen trash far away from you, and move on to something that really makes you happy instead?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Not only addict behavior, but sounds like a serious personality disorder to be so manipulative, dishonest, con-man, theif, completely lacking in empathy, and self absorbed as to do such harm to a widow and young kids.
Thank goodness you are aware and can take action to permanently distance yourself from this person.
I know now when I feel confusion/unease/frustration about someone's behavior it is my internal emotional safety alarm sounding. It has always served me well but when I journeying through codependency I told myself things like, "I am being too sensitive", "I must have misunderstood", "That person needs another 52 chances.." etc. I did not listen to myself in order to believe the incongruent messages repeatedly sent by the A in my life. I was so unwell the crazy lies took precendence over what my own eyes and ears were telling me!!
Thank goodness you are aware and can take action to permanently distance yourself from this person.
I know now when I feel confusion/unease/frustration about someone's behavior it is my internal emotional safety alarm sounding. It has always served me well but when I journeying through codependency I told myself things like, "I am being too sensitive", "I must have misunderstood", "That person needs another 52 chances.." etc. I did not listen to myself in order to believe the incongruent messages repeatedly sent by the A in my life. I was so unwell the crazy lies took precendence over what my own eyes and ears were telling me!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
sounds a bit like road kill.......it's gross, you don't WANT to look, but find yourself drawn to the carnage anyway.
I well remember when EXAH had a friend who went to prison and he promised the dude he'd 'look out' for his old lady. He certainly looked out for her!
I was so freaking sick in my own codependency that I would actually do HER laundry because she was struggling so badly financially, and with a small child, all the while the EXAH was bumping boots with her in bed.
*Vomit*
I am so grateful I don't have to live that way anymore.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you for your words. I am getting a good list. This is really helping me right now and I know they're going to help me tonight when I can't fall asleep picturing what they are doing.
Maybe there are also more words you could help me to describe what he and that disgusting mother are doing to those little boys.
Maybe there are also more words you could help me to describe what he and that disgusting mother are doing to those little boys.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
How bout this for an image? He is a creeping, oozing fungus, that slowly consumes whatever host he can attach himself to, consuming and rotting them from the inside out, until they are nothing but a dried-up husk. Where there was once life, now there is rot and death.
STEP AWAY FROM THE FUNGUS.
STEP AWAY FROM THE FUNGUS.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Paintbaby, That was a really good one! "OOZING" reminds me of a festering, putrid sore. Both of those people are THE MOST disgusting, nauseating, revolting people I have EVER heard of! I think the fact of those two little children in the middle of all this, makes me even more disgusted and nauseous by what they are doing.
I make NO excuses for HIM but the mother just makes me want to PUKE! She is just as alcoholic and drug-addicted as he is. Reminds me of the disgusting woman who my brother used to be married to and what she has done and is doing to her children.
I make NO excuses for HIM but the mother just makes me want to PUKE! She is just as alcoholic and drug-addicted as he is. Reminds me of the disgusting woman who my brother used to be married to and what she has done and is doing to her children.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
horrible
unbelievably disrespectful
harming
destructive
low
heartless
vulgar
of really bad taste!
i am slowly realizing by judging others i am trying to play god.
i can just ask god to open my eyes and give me the strength to let go of anyone who is not good for me.
good job going no contact.
unbelievably disrespectful
harming
destructive
low
heartless
vulgar
of really bad taste!
i am slowly realizing by judging others i am trying to play god.
i can just ask god to open my eyes and give me the strength to let go of anyone who is not good for me.
good job going no contact.
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
My friend always said to me, look at him like a bag of shi@@y diapers, do you throw it out to the trash or do you keep it around to stink up your space. Every time he quacks think of how that bag of diapers make you gag, and the quacking does make me GAG big time. (she used diapers as that is the most horrid smell if left in the garbage in the house for too long)
Your situation is very sad as he is keeping you around for the 'if' or 'when' he MIGHT need you for his own selfish needs (of course) you are an OPTION and he is one SICK SICK minded man. I like what GiveLove had to say about a chair being prepared for him in HELL, how true, how true! And for you.. my dear, a set of wings are being prepared for you as only us 'angels' can overcome such a horrible experience and be able to press on to a bright future.
Your situation is very sad as he is keeping you around for the 'if' or 'when' he MIGHT need you for his own selfish needs (of course) you are an OPTION and he is one SICK SICK minded man. I like what GiveLove had to say about a chair being prepared for him in HELL, how true, how true! And for you.. my dear, a set of wings are being prepared for you as only us 'angels' can overcome such a horrible experience and be able to press on to a bright future.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Hotel California
Posts: 175
selfish, self-centered, self-serving, opportunistic, immoral, parasitic and unethical
Selfish, self-centered, self-serving, opportunistic, immoral, parasitic and unethical are a few of the words that come to mind when I read your post.
Count your blessings he is not in your house... you don't have to get rid of the vermin, just don't let the rodent back into your home.
If you don't see his true colors by now, you may never. Cut your losses and good riddance.
IMHO, until you cut all ties, he will get in the way of a potential healthy relationship.
I wish you well.
Count your blessings he is not in your house... you don't have to get rid of the vermin, just don't let the rodent back into your home.
If you don't see his true colors by now, you may never. Cut your losses and good riddance.
IMHO, until you cut all ties, he will get in the way of a potential healthy relationship.
I wish you well.
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