Rose56

Good Morning Friends! I feel nervous this morning. I am going to a new counselor this afternoon to try to get some help in sorting out my life right now. She was recommended by my sister. I have gone to counselors in the past so I am not sure why I feel so nervous. Well one reason is this counselor is out of my insurance network so I have to pay for the sessions myself. As you know we already don't have enough money to pay for everything and I have been withdrawing money from college savings to live on. So I am nervous about spending the money on myself and maybe it won't even help me.

I guess I am feeling a bit discouraged again about my financial situation, my marriage, and my struggles in my recovery growth. I have been trying to appreciate the good things in my life and having trouble maintaining that attitude. There are so many good things in my life, there are so many good things in my marriage. But changing my focus from what is not as I would like it to what is going right is so difficult for me. So I am frustrated with being stuck in a negitive outlook. I have this childish wish that everything would start going well and I could feel relief, and safety in my life. Instead I feel like the rug may be pulled out from under me any moment.

I ask you for your prayers, that I can fully appreciate all the "right" things in my life and not live in fear of disaster. I am also going to an alanon meeting at lunch, so that may help me.

I wanted to tell you about a conversation I had with my husband the other day. We started talking about how when I get upset and crying that he never seems to care or make moves to comfort me. He said, well usually you go into the bedroom crying after we have had a fight. And I am feeling mad at you because of the fight. So I don't feel like comforting you because I am still mad. By the time I am no longer mad, you have stopped crying. Well this sounds silly, but I never thought of it that way before. He is right, I rarely cry about other issues than something between he and I. Here I was feeling that this was an example of the fact that he doesn't "really" care about me, and it actually makes perfect sense. Oh I wish I could change the way I internalize these events so I wouldn't be so unhappy. The truth is I hold my husband accountable for love I feel I didn't get from my Dad. Very unfair, and my thinking in these situations is that of a 10 year old. Thanks for listening.

Ann

Rose

What a profound discovery. It has been difficult for me, too, to look within myself for the answers and to stop expecting others to give me what they do not have to give. And to look at my part in the situation and recognize that I too am sending messages that my not be what I intended.

It sounds like you have a great day planned, and I hope all goes well with the new counsellor.

Hugs
Ann

journeygal

((((((Rose)))))))

Amen to every word you said. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope things go well with the new counselor.

Take care and hugs,
JG

Petunia

Rose,

I read your post and thought someone had written it about/for me. I have been seeing a great counselor ( I am in Raleigh too) and at times worried about spending the money b/c she was not "in-network". Looking at my life now, it was the best money ever spent. You will have plenty of time to deal with the money situation, and good for you at having saved something to draw on in time of need. Right now you are addressing the very important SELF CARE aspect. One that most of us have found/continue to find difficult.

There will be plenty of days moving forward - just get through today and invest in yourself - you deserve it.

I just said a prayer for you and asked that you find as much peace as you can today.

Petunia

Daffodil

(((((Rose))))))

Love and prayers from one cares and who has been where you are....

I have to try to remember This too shall pass.....Nothing good or bad comes to stay....I had to learn in my head and heart that without the valleys in my life I'd never be able to know when I was on the mountain... It's always the journey for me to remember never the arrival....

I ain't well but I sure am better!

Rose56

Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement. I am just back from my Alanon meeting and I feel a little less nervous. It usually happens that way.

Thanks Petunia, I needed that little support to feel comfortable going today and making the commitment. I like that line "invest in yourself". Yes that is what I am doing.
Just for today..................

matters

Sending you a big HUG (((( ROSE)))!!

So glad you feel better after your meeting!" Invest in yourself" is a wonderful way to put it. We all should do more of that. I totally understand about how scary and frustrating the financial situation can be. I pray everyday to be blessed with a way to pay the HUGE stack of bills. Somehow they all get payed little by little one day at a time!! If you take care of YOU then you will be stronger and everything won't seem so overwhelming.

Hugs and prayers,
matters

JT

Rose,

Stop beating yourself up! Really!

You know how much I care...and please don"t be offended. If I was supporting Ward, long term, I would be angry. I would be beyond angry. I would have made his life less comfortable a long time ago. You beating yourself up for your anger and your reactions is no good here. You are taking responsibilty for the whole situation and it is a situation you have not created.

You can't change him, true. You can't make him contribute financially or otherwise...but that doesn't mean there needs to be money for the bar or beer in the fridge. You work hard and if you want to get your nails done...oh well. If you want a TEAM of counselers, you are the one paying the bill.

Please take a step in the direction of boundaries...I am not saying leave and for God sake I would not want you to allow him to starve to death on your living room floor. We always want to start by looking at ourselves so we can begin to make better decisions. But too much reflection borders on denial, Rose. It is what it is... and nothing changes if nothing changes.

Take that step and ruffle some feathers...when the boat rocks we are here to catch you!!

I am going to round up my pom poms now and I expect to be using them!

(((Hugs)))
JT

Gabe

I've been struggling with the negative thoughts a lot lately myself. It seems that every time I think I've got my lips above the water level, another undertow wave rolls in. The ratio of joy to difficulty in my life has been out of whack for years now. I have to get small when this happens and try to notice every good thing I can. I spent a few moments the other day marveling at the beauty of a crepe myrtle bush in full bloom. It was a nice few moments. I try to "collect moments" like that in the course of my day. That way, I have them to fall back on. When life starts breaking up, I think about these small moments to remind myself that there are good things. The crepe myrtles, the way the air smells after it rains, the way my youngest son beams at me when he is happy, the bliss of my morning coffee, how good it feels to laugh out loud. All those small things are my army of defense against the hard stuff.
Wishing you some good...small, yet wonderful things in your days ahead.
Peace,
Gabe

Rose56

Rock the boat? Not my speciality, but you are right, nothing changes if nothing changes. I am getting there. I hope. The weekend calls.................

Rose56

Good Morning Friends! I need to tell you about my struggles. The meeting last week with the new counselor went well. It was just a begining, just an information gathering session. But when I left I felt that she had gotten the jist of the situation I was in and that she felt she could support me in deciding how to move forward. She mentioned that we needed to get my husband to take some action. We didn't go into detail but I got the sense that she was talking about establishing some boundaries and then standing up for them. When I left I felt a little uneasy, like I might have to do something I am very uncomfortable with. I know in my mind that that is why I was there, but my heart got a little scard.

So I started second guessing my decision to go to this counselor and to pay for it out of pocket. I started thinking that maybe I should call the insurance company and get names of other counselors inside the network. So you see it is almost a week later and I haven't made another appointment. That's how scard I am.

JT, you hit it right on the head with your post about boundaries. Boy I can't tell you how scary this is for me. But I called this morning and left a message asking to schedule another session. I am going to do this, I am going to move my life forward. And I am going to deal with my fear of being alone. I can do this with God's help and the help of my new counselor. And who knows, my husband may respond and begin to build his life back.

So there it is, you my friends know all, I am afraid, but I am moving forward. Your support means so much to me. It is truely a gift from God, and a gift from all of you. Thanks to everyone that participates and to those that spend many hours encouraging me and others. Your efforts are important, they mean something, they begin to change the world................

jessieandme2003

We will be hee, don't worry. I am so glad to hear you are taking this step. You are taking control, one decision at a time, of your own happiness. Keep up the good work.

JT

Rose,

You don't know the future and neither do I. But I do know that we can be part of the solution or part of the problem.

It IS scary to make waves...but they can be small waves in the beginning. That does not mean you will end up rowing the boat alone.

Ward is a hard headed individual and through the years as a direct result of my own changes...he has changed. The details aren't important....the important part is that he changed in response to the change in me.

All of our stories are different and still they are the same. Do I have to say it again? Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You are the one who gets it...you are the one who knows change is needed...as sad as it may seem you are the only one who can get this train moving.

If it ends it ends but somehow I doubt that it will.

Hugs,
JT