Don't want to hang on......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Don't want to hang on......
Rather than not wanting to 'let go'.
Hey everyone-- just wanted to give an update, and say hi. Wanted to share some of my experience, with others who are where I was 9 months ago.
Also, wanted to run some things across those who 'know' where I was....
I've been around, but not writing much. I really became a bit apathetic to everything that is going on in my life, regarding the abf and his abuse of pills. I have watched him 'get sober' 3x's ..... I have also watched him slip back into it.
I have a new job, (bout 3months) and it is taking up alot of my time.... it is in a 'social enviornment', and concequently this affords me the time to meet other adults and keep my mind busy. This has helped immensly.
I suddenly don't need to 'question him' any longer. I don't need to have 'talks'. I don't feel much anger-- rather it's turned into disgust.
I'm no longer sad, and tragic, about the possibity that my 'life' with him will end, or he will 'leave'. The thought of him leaving (although not good for my finances) comes as a breath of relief for me. I no longer bother offering my words of 'wisdom', or write him letters. I don't send loving texts-- thinking our love will keep us 'alive' and he will get well.
I simply give up.
Does that sound cold? I suppose. But frankly, I don't give a crap anymore. I realize now, that I wouldn't be loosing 'him', --- that guy has been gone a long tme now. I no longer let images of him and another woman, (if we wern't together), keep me struggleing..... I realize I don't want to win this battle.
This battle is his- not mine. His battle, has caused me to get mucked up and bloodied up, and beaten up--- his battle kept me down, and I don't want to run that course any longer.
Finally, I realize now, that love is everywhere, not just in him and I. I finally woke up and said "cessy-- this is pathetic, that you think THIS is love, and THIS is worth fighting for."
So, in the meantime, I work my job... school starts again soon. I'm seeing and talkin to friends more.... and have made dinners that my KIDS like, rather than what HE wants. He is no longer THE priority. I no longer shut my mouth, when I want to say something--- I just call him out on whatever I feel. (anotherwords, when he is out of pills and is cranky) I don't hold it in anymore, and I don't fight. I simply say that if his empty pill bottle has him pissy, then take his butt upstairs, where WE don't have to be bothered by his nonsense. Furthermore, when he trys to defend his actions-- I simply say, "lie to yourself, not to me". And I walk away.
Furtherore, I laugh to myself at his hangovers......and It's caused me to live a healthier existance myself. I see now, that 'life is short', and I'm not spending my life miserable. I'm not a drug addict, and I don't have to suffer the conceqences of being one.
In closeing, I'd like to tell all who are 'new' to this--- that it will change, in time. As long as you learn, walk your journey, read, write, get it out..... eventually time really does have a way of lighting your way..... all in your own time.
Don't get me wrong-- I love the man (even though it sounds like I don't). BUT i do not have a fantasy in my head anymore. The man i love is not present-- drugs and their concequences are. I am not willing to sit back and put 100% into someone who dosen't even take care of himself.... or me.
I know he 'trys', and and I know he 'thinks he loves' me --- but this kind of love is simply not enough for me anylonger.
hugs,
Cessy
Hey everyone-- just wanted to give an update, and say hi. Wanted to share some of my experience, with others who are where I was 9 months ago.
Also, wanted to run some things across those who 'know' where I was....
I've been around, but not writing much. I really became a bit apathetic to everything that is going on in my life, regarding the abf and his abuse of pills. I have watched him 'get sober' 3x's ..... I have also watched him slip back into it.
I have a new job, (bout 3months) and it is taking up alot of my time.... it is in a 'social enviornment', and concequently this affords me the time to meet other adults and keep my mind busy. This has helped immensly.
I suddenly don't need to 'question him' any longer. I don't need to have 'talks'. I don't feel much anger-- rather it's turned into disgust.
I'm no longer sad, and tragic, about the possibity that my 'life' with him will end, or he will 'leave'. The thought of him leaving (although not good for my finances) comes as a breath of relief for me. I no longer bother offering my words of 'wisdom', or write him letters. I don't send loving texts-- thinking our love will keep us 'alive' and he will get well.
I simply give up.
Does that sound cold? I suppose. But frankly, I don't give a crap anymore. I realize now, that I wouldn't be loosing 'him', --- that guy has been gone a long tme now. I no longer let images of him and another woman, (if we wern't together), keep me struggleing..... I realize I don't want to win this battle.
This battle is his- not mine. His battle, has caused me to get mucked up and bloodied up, and beaten up--- his battle kept me down, and I don't want to run that course any longer.
Finally, I realize now, that love is everywhere, not just in him and I. I finally woke up and said "cessy-- this is pathetic, that you think THIS is love, and THIS is worth fighting for."
So, in the meantime, I work my job... school starts again soon. I'm seeing and talkin to friends more.... and have made dinners that my KIDS like, rather than what HE wants. He is no longer THE priority. I no longer shut my mouth, when I want to say something--- I just call him out on whatever I feel. (anotherwords, when he is out of pills and is cranky) I don't hold it in anymore, and I don't fight. I simply say that if his empty pill bottle has him pissy, then take his butt upstairs, where WE don't have to be bothered by his nonsense. Furthermore, when he trys to defend his actions-- I simply say, "lie to yourself, not to me". And I walk away.
Furtherore, I laugh to myself at his hangovers......and It's caused me to live a healthier existance myself. I see now, that 'life is short', and I'm not spending my life miserable. I'm not a drug addict, and I don't have to suffer the conceqences of being one.
In closeing, I'd like to tell all who are 'new' to this--- that it will change, in time. As long as you learn, walk your journey, read, write, get it out..... eventually time really does have a way of lighting your way..... all in your own time.
Don't get me wrong-- I love the man (even though it sounds like I don't). BUT i do not have a fantasy in my head anymore. The man i love is not present-- drugs and their concequences are. I am not willing to sit back and put 100% into someone who dosen't even take care of himself.... or me.
I know he 'trys', and and I know he 'thinks he loves' me --- but this kind of love is simply not enough for me anylonger.
hugs,
Cessy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Vancouver bc
Posts: 4
I think, for me, this is the sweetest post I have come across...I can totally relate to your words...I too am taking one day at a time. Looking after myself and my kids, living our lives, and letting my "former??"AH fit himself into our world. No more eggshells!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
That is where I am!!!!! I couldn't do all those things with him in the home with me though...... but now that he is not here....... I AM!
I have a voice... and I'm not afraid to use it! I have thoughts and I'm not afraid to put them into actions. I am no longer walking on egg shells!!!! I mainly did so - because I *thought* I was protecting the children from seeing what I was seeing or KNOWING!
BUT NOW..........I no longer have those concerns/worries/egg shells!
I had a great weekend with friends.... and I feel so blessed! I really love this part of your post!
I have a voice... and I'm not afraid to use it! I have thoughts and I'm not afraid to put them into actions. I am no longer walking on egg shells!!!! I mainly did so - because I *thought* I was protecting the children from seeing what I was seeing or KNOWING!
BUT NOW..........I no longer have those concerns/worries/egg shells!
I had a great weekend with friends.... and I feel so blessed! I really love this part of your post!
Finally, I realize now, that love is everywhere, not just in him and I. I finally woke up and said "cessy-- this is pathetic, that you think THIS is love, and THIS is worth fighting for."
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Hey Cess
Sounds like we reached this point at about the same time. I thought it was funny that you and I stopped posting at about the same time. I figured it was because we both had gotten to the point where we "got it". Where we didn't need as much advice because we finally figured out what the heck was happening in our lives. I feel the exact same way you do. I have no feelings for the addict I'm living with. I still love the man I first met and who I know is still in there somewhere. But he's not ready to let go and give in. I am unbelievably sad that my journey in life with him is coming to a close. So dang much potential. But, it wasn't in the cards I guess.
Thanks for the update...
Sounds like we reached this point at about the same time. I thought it was funny that you and I stopped posting at about the same time. I figured it was because we both had gotten to the point where we "got it". Where we didn't need as much advice because we finally figured out what the heck was happening in our lives. I feel the exact same way you do. I have no feelings for the addict I'm living with. I still love the man I first met and who I know is still in there somewhere. But he's not ready to let go and give in. I am unbelievably sad that my journey in life with him is coming to a close. So dang much potential. But, it wasn't in the cards I guess.
Thanks for the update...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I am so glad to see you posting again......
I understand the time you need to take for yourself. I was there. I tuned everything and everyone out and just listened to myself. I needed that. I needed to hear my own thoughts and know what I needed to do for me.
I didnt answer the phone, didnt call anyone, stayed off of here, and just was alone. There was a lot of muck that I needed to wade through on my own. It was good for me.
I hope you continue to post and continue on your journey. I think that its great that you have gotten to where you are. Keep trudging you can do it.
I think of you often......
I understand the time you need to take for yourself. I was there. I tuned everything and everyone out and just listened to myself. I needed that. I needed to hear my own thoughts and know what I needed to do for me.
I didnt answer the phone, didnt call anyone, stayed off of here, and just was alone. There was a lot of muck that I needed to wade through on my own. It was good for me.
I hope you continue to post and continue on your journey. I think that its great that you have gotten to where you are. Keep trudging you can do it.
I think of you often......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
keep in mind....there is POTENTIAL in every LOTTO ticket too....
I'd have a better shot at winning lotto than this battle............. lol.
Perhaps I'll go buy a ticket!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
cessy this is such a great post i read it over and over again. your strength and courage is inspiring. seeing someone get to the point where their just DONE makes me feel good and that their is hope. I am glad so many people read this post, and i hope things are continuing to go well for you.
xo
xo
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