Sad yes, but detached and movin' on....
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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Sad yes, but detached and movin' on....
So one of my 3 alkie bros had @160+ days. I recently let him back into my life in more meaningful ways since I had decided I could not be around him when he was drunk or drinking and that was pretty much all the time...but he was going to AA and behaving really differently so...
I had him to my house a couple weekends ago - he stayed over, hung out with us, was his fabulous smart engaging self (the sober one that is easy to love!).
So yesterday I get a call in the mid-afternoon. I can tell immediately he is drunk. He says, "I caved."
In the past I would've gotten pissed, or judgemental, gotten all therapeutic on him, but all these years of detaching and maintaining my boundaries made it easy for me to feel compassion and love because I so clearly see the entire problem as his and his alone - just like my difficult problems in life are mine.
I just said, "That's too bad. It doesn't un-do all you've learned in these past 4 months though. I hope you get back on tomorrow and go to a meeting."
He started "I don't know why...."
I said, laughing, "I do!" (thinking "you're an alcoholic!! duh!")
He said, "Yeah I do too."
I said "I love you, whatever happens, but I really like you sober!!"
He said "Me too."
And that was it.
I was right in the middle of a huge emotional discussion with my BF. Had just come off a huge emotional discussion with my older son. Had also had an annoying aggravating discussion with my ExH before that. Full day!!
I hung up and thought I could just fold like a cheap suitcase and wallow in misery for a while. MY BF would understand if I postponed our conversation because I was upset by my bro now. I had a choice.
But I took some deep breaths, said a little prayer to my HP for me and my brother, and I let it go. I actually felt it just floating away from me-- I handed it back to him and handed my urge to freak out or control to the universe and I sat back down with my BF and we finished our complicated conversation and then went out to see a movie "500 Days of Summer" which was sweet, fun, and distracting.
I thought about him briefly before I went to bed and again offered him up and out of my hands.
I resisted the urge to check on him this a.m. or phone him and urge him to get to a meeting....
Writing this out it all sounds so simple - but it has taken me so many years and so much struggle to get to be this person who can love without feeling responsible for my brothers health, happiness, or decision-making, for whther they choose to drink or not....
I am sad that he ever found himself in the grip of this terrible addiction. I am sad for him. But I would be really depressed to find myself letting this get me down to that place of obsession and guilt and fear. So I choose not to do that, just for today.
And, my old useful boundaries, which are just my own, are back in place and so I won't engage in lengthy discussions with him if he is drinking. If I have to I can easily stop taking his calls again etc. And I can still get messages of love to him. Because I DO love him. I just cannot have active alcoholic insanity in my world.
*sigh*
Life goes on....
peace,
b
I had him to my house a couple weekends ago - he stayed over, hung out with us, was his fabulous smart engaging self (the sober one that is easy to love!).
So yesterday I get a call in the mid-afternoon. I can tell immediately he is drunk. He says, "I caved."
In the past I would've gotten pissed, or judgemental, gotten all therapeutic on him, but all these years of detaching and maintaining my boundaries made it easy for me to feel compassion and love because I so clearly see the entire problem as his and his alone - just like my difficult problems in life are mine.
I just said, "That's too bad. It doesn't un-do all you've learned in these past 4 months though. I hope you get back on tomorrow and go to a meeting."
He started "I don't know why...."
I said, laughing, "I do!" (thinking "you're an alcoholic!! duh!")
He said, "Yeah I do too."
I said "I love you, whatever happens, but I really like you sober!!"
He said "Me too."
And that was it.
I was right in the middle of a huge emotional discussion with my BF. Had just come off a huge emotional discussion with my older son. Had also had an annoying aggravating discussion with my ExH before that. Full day!!
I hung up and thought I could just fold like a cheap suitcase and wallow in misery for a while. MY BF would understand if I postponed our conversation because I was upset by my bro now. I had a choice.
But I took some deep breaths, said a little prayer to my HP for me and my brother, and I let it go. I actually felt it just floating away from me-- I handed it back to him and handed my urge to freak out or control to the universe and I sat back down with my BF and we finished our complicated conversation and then went out to see a movie "500 Days of Summer" which was sweet, fun, and distracting.
I thought about him briefly before I went to bed and again offered him up and out of my hands.
I resisted the urge to check on him this a.m. or phone him and urge him to get to a meeting....
Writing this out it all sounds so simple - but it has taken me so many years and so much struggle to get to be this person who can love without feeling responsible for my brothers health, happiness, or decision-making, for whther they choose to drink or not....
I am sad that he ever found himself in the grip of this terrible addiction. I am sad for him. But I would be really depressed to find myself letting this get me down to that place of obsession and guilt and fear. So I choose not to do that, just for today.
And, my old useful boundaries, which are just my own, are back in place and so I won't engage in lengthy discussions with him if he is drinking. If I have to I can easily stop taking his calls again etc. And I can still get messages of love to him. Because I DO love him. I just cannot have active alcoholic insanity in my world.
*sigh*
Life goes on....
peace,
b
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
Writing this out it all sounds so simple - but it has taken me so many years and so much struggle to get to be this person who can love without feeling responsible for my brothers health, happiness, or decision-making, for whther they choose to drink or not....
I was one of those who hung on till I had no hide left from being dragged before I finally let go.
Your recovery is shining, and I am so very proud of you! :ghug2
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
(((Bernadette)))....thank you for sharing your struggles and triumphs. Sometimes I think you folks that are further along in your recovery are SO evolved. It's good for me to see that this codependency thing really is a day at a time for all of us.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Bernadette, bless you for this share.
I am going through something similar with my brother (especially the part about how brilliant and funny and smart they are when sober...) and really needed to hear this.
Closing my eyes, knowing I love him, and letting him make his own choices now...thanks to you.
I am going through something similar with my brother (especially the part about how brilliant and funny and smart they are when sober...) and really needed to hear this.
Closing my eyes, knowing I love him, and letting him make his own choices now...thanks to you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thank you for sharing this with us. This is a victory for you!
But I would be really depressed to find myself letting this get me down to that place of obsession and guilt and fear. So I choose not to do that, just for today.
This is not a simple task. This is huge. Well done friend!
But I would be really depressed to find myself letting this get me down to that place of obsession and guilt and fear. So I choose not to do that, just for today.
This is not a simple task. This is huge. Well done friend!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Wow, that is just wonderful recovery. thank you so much for sharing that with us. You remind me that recovery is not about making the world all better. It's about making me better able to deal with the world.
thanx again.
Mike
thanx again.
Mike
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Bernadette, I can't tell you what to do, obviously, but I can tell you what I did about my addicted brother and my sadness and other feelings. After 15 years of "helping" him and his addict wife, I cut all ties with him. And so did pretty much the rest of the family. It was the best thing I could have done for him and for myself. After about two years of no contact, without any help or words from me, he got clean and sober and has been clean and sober since then.
Only you can decide what to do, if anything. There are no guarantees that your brother will ever keep clean and sober. But when you realize that you just can't take this in your life anymore, because you are trying to manage the rest of your life, you will let it go.
Only you can decide what to do, if anything. There are no guarantees that your brother will ever keep clean and sober. But when you realize that you just can't take this in your life anymore, because you are trying to manage the rest of your life, you will let it go.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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Only you can decide what to do, if anything. There are no guarantees that your brother will ever keep clean and sober. But when you realize that you just can't take this in your life anymore, because you are trying to manage the rest of your life, you will let it go.
Oh yeah I have let it go. Many times over. Because it doesn't seem to be something I just do once and then wash my hands - letting go is an active process. I've been dealing with 3 brothers various levels of addiction and attempts at recovery for 20 years now! (and my father's alcoholism/recovery for all his life!)
I accepted many years ago (accepted it after beating it into my own brain) that there is nothing I can do to control anything about my brothers situations except myself.
I still find, after all these years, that letting go is a very conscious and active process- it is not where my brain goes "naturally." I have to pause and very consciously turn these things over to the universe....if I made no effort my mind would probably go down the dreaded old reaction pathways. I'm wondering if some day my healthy "learned' responses will ever become automatic!! Mindfulness is a full time job!!!!!!
peace-
b
Oh yeah I have let it go. Many times over. Because it doesn't seem to be something I just do once and then wash my hands - letting go is an active process. I've been dealing with 3 brothers various levels of addiction and attempts at recovery for 20 years now! (and my father's alcoholism/recovery for all his life!)
I accepted many years ago (accepted it after beating it into my own brain) that there is nothing I can do to control anything about my brothers situations except myself.
I still find, after all these years, that letting go is a very conscious and active process- it is not where my brain goes "naturally." I have to pause and very consciously turn these things over to the universe....if I made no effort my mind would probably go down the dreaded old reaction pathways. I'm wondering if some day my healthy "learned' responses will ever become automatic!! Mindfulness is a full time job!!!!!!
peace-
b
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I've been dealing with 3 brothers various levels of addiction and attempts at recovery for 20 years now! (and my father's alcoholism/recovery for all his life!)
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