Blackrose56

I've been here off and on. And a lot has happened since I was here last. I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and kidney problems. Why? The doctors told me stress was a big factor. In May I ended up having minor heart surgery and am working to come back from that. In between all this my ex calls now and again. I moved 2,000 miles away in 2005. In November of 2007 his 19 year old daughter died of a drug overdose. (He won't admit it, but family have told me) In May, out of the blue he called just to talk and to tell me what had been going on. 2 months later he told me he found the a wonderful "girl" and he didn't want me to mess things up. Off and on, he'd call to tell me he didn't trust her, could I do a background check and find out things for him. He hated her, he was going to marry her. She threw him out. He found out she was using him. And he called me at the end of October and asked if he got clean and sober could he move here? Stupidly, I said "yes". And didn't hear again until January. He married the woman who I now know is a crack addict and is on disability for severe mental illness. But he couldn't figure out why I no longer wanted to speak to him just because he got married. He said I didn't understand..."it wasn't like that" and that he knew that no woman would love him the way I did. I told him I no longer wanted to speak to him and thought that was it. A month ago, I got a message that he had heard about my heart surgery and wondered how I was and why didn't I call him when it happened. I did not call him back, however, did send him a short note letting him know what had happened. Figuring that if things had changed and he WAS clean and sober...perhaps he'd call back. He hasn't. And most likely he was fighting with the new wife and he called me to make sure he still had "Plan B". Since we've been apart...that seems to be his life...he finds a woman and the relationship goes back and forth until they throw him out. Of course, since me, this is the first one he actually married...but he's a lot older now and tired of living on the street. I've done a lot of hard work with my therapist in the last year and come a long way. But we've begun to talk about my ex and why it is still so painful. We've decided I have never really dealt with the grief and the fact that it might always hurt some...and I might always miss him...but in time it will fade. We had at one time a great relationship (I've known him since he was 11 and he's 45 now). We had 2 years together where he was clean and sober and several times throughout the next six years. And he was clean and sober 4 years before we became a couple. But I keep coming back to why? How could he want the woman he is with when he had me? How can the person he was be gone? And he acts as if "we" never existed. He has told this woman there was nothing between us...just friends....but we were together over 6 years. She, however, does not know that. And he seems to keep her in the dark.

I guess where I am going with this...is are there others out there who had a "good" relationship. A man or woman who was clean and sober. And then through their addiction they started treating you as if you were nothing and what you had never existed. I guess does crack change them SO much that are no longer the man you knew? I hear his voice and it sounds like him, but his words and actions are NOT the man I loved.

I seem to miss him more now that I am dealing with a LOT of medical issues. And I live alone and really have no friends in this state. I work a VERY stressful job and to be honest....I miss my best friend. And the best relationship I have ever known.

I've been to Alanon on and off since 1983. I should know better. But there are just days I miss what was. Does anyone know how that feels? And yes, I can be strong. I can move on...but there are days where it just all piles up.

IPT

Oh yeah, I can relate... My xagf has never been clean, but she hid it so well I didn't know for the first year she used (it was just weed though smoked daily and it was a family affair including mom). Once I found out all the missed calls and "I feel asleep" excuses made sense. Her mothers life went down hill and my co-dependant xagf went running and her use got worse. She quit her job months ago just to be able to go on Vacation with her family!

I have not seen her in about 5 weeks now and the hole is still large. I do have friends but find that sometimes even in thier company I feel alone and miss her, the good times. It is so easy to forget all the bad times and what it lacked.

I imagine for you it would be especially hard knowing you had many good years and some sobriety. I don't really know what else to say except I feel for you. It is a very hard thing to deal with. I know we should be able to be strong alone, and I generally am. Still, when there is a loss, there is some emptyness left and it hurts. I would imagine the intermitent contact would make it even harder.

I am reading a book now called "Getting past your breakup" by Susan Elliott. She is a grief therapist and also came back from a dysfunctional childhhood and marriage. It is helping me learn a lot about myself and cope with things. If you have not read it you may want to take a look at it. She also has a website "gpyp" - getting past your past.

********{hugs}}}}} - you are NOT alone when it comes to this or the feelings that go with it!

mjpaao

(( Blackrose ))
I am soooo familiar with the pain you are feeling. My ah left almost 6 years ago. He has been clean now for a year or so, along with the agf. We were married over 30 years.
I'll send you a pm, I worry people I know read these boards.
(( Huge hugs to you, Blackrose )) if you're still like me, you need them right now.

Blackrose56

What really hurts at times is that I hoped that once I threw him out, he'd hit bottom. But that hasn't happened. In fact, he has just continued to go down the drain. When we were together he would use one day a week and be home by 6 a.m. on Saturday morning. He has told me that he now uses 24/7 and has progressed to more and more drugs. And I thought crack was bad enough. And he has moved into one of the worst neighborhoods he could find. He continues to go downhill and I don't want to see him die.

Ann

Sadly, he would have gone downhill if he still was with you and continued using because addiction is a progressive disease.

Nothing you did or didn't do would have made a lick of difference to any addict who chose to continue using, and yes, crack does change them into a person we no longer recognize.

My thoughts are that, as much as this hurts you, it may be a blessing in disguise that he is out of your life.

It isn't easy to move on, but it's usually better than going back to what was.

Hugs

hope213

as bad as it can hurt sometimes i would say it is time to let go. it hurts but he keeps you in pain so much anyway. my prayers are with you & i hope you can find yourself. there is nothing u can do for your ex. save yourself.

teke

hi, i can relate oh so well. i went through 23yrs of the same on and off kind of marriage with all the trimmings you described and then some. i think i did every thing i could say and do but nothing mattered as long as he was not commited to recovery.

in the past,the many times we were seperated, i would still try to be a friend, tried to be there just in case he got better but like you said, i too felt like plan b. you see, with me, he could not use his drugs in peace so he would sometimes create an excuse to leave or create an argument so that i would ask him to leave. he would end up with whoever would except his addictive behavior. when that ran out, he started calling me.

its been 2yrs now and i made the decision to stop all contact, and we have 7 kids together. i finally figured maybe the hurt lasted so long and still so deep, because i allowed him to keep me hanging on, in the name of friendship.

after all this time, the kids finally saw him this past wkend at his mom's. he had to tell them all about how good he was doing and sent a few messages for me, but guess what, it don't hurt any more and i still don't want him bringing his drama around me. for now, no contact works for me and if i decide on a friendship, it will have to be when i'm sure that i can do it without feeling like i'm gonna be sucked back in.

i said all of that to say, maybe its time to let the aw be his friend and you focus more on you moving on. you not being there may just be the push he needs that would cause him to have the desire to get better. hope this makes some kind of sense and sorry for being so long winded.
i will keep you and him in my prayers