bjork

My mother is an alcoholic. However, I have only known her to drink heavily after I had grown up and left home (that I know of). There was abuse growing up (physical/emotional), but not due to alcoholism (I don't think). I read the characteristics of ACoA on here. I can relate to alot of the characteristics.

Given that my mother was not an active alcoholic when I was growing up, I shouldn't have any of these characteristics....right?

If not in a treatment program/recovery, do alcoholics have specific identifying characteristics even when they are dry/sober? If yes, what?

GiveLove

Bjork,

Kids who grow up in damaged households -- whether due to addiction, alcoholism, abuse -- share similar traits. It's because we were all raised with no sense of safety or stability. The ground constantly shifted under our feet, and we lived in fear-response mode, constantly trying to do the right thing in order to stay safe, to feel loved.

So whether or not your mom was an alcoholic then is kind of irrelevant. Though it might explain the abuse. But just because she had addictive tendencies doesn't condone the fact that she raised you in an atmosphere of fear, and that led to you having the troubles you're going through.

Glad you're here.

DesertEyes

Hello there bjork, and welcome to this corner of recovery

The chicken vs. egg analogy doesn't work that well with ACoA's. It works better to think of it as a "soup". Raising a child is like making a soup, you toss in a lot ingredients, cook it into adulthood, and then you get the results. Alcoholics toss a lot of "toxic" ingredients into their children, and when we become adults we get those characteristics in the list. But it's not the _alcohol_ that causes the toxic ingredients, it's the _behavior_ of the parents.

Like GiveLove said, there's plenty other "toxic parents" whose behavior will cause injury to their children. If there is phsyical / emotional abuse going on it makes _no_ difference if the parents drink, drug, gamble or whatever. The children will suffer just the same.

The offical title of "Adult Children of Alcoholics" was created 30 years ago because the original research into "toxic parents" was done with alcoholics. Nowadays we know it applies to _all_ "toxic families", but the title has stuck.

I agree with GiveLove, I'm glad you're here and you are welcome to join us as we heal from our pasts and make a healthy future for ourselves.

Mike

ICant

I thought alcohol was at the root of all dysfunctional families; if not in the current generation at the back of my mind I would suspect that alcoholism might be further up the family tree and the behaviours got passed down. My theory might be correct but it doesn't matter to me anymore. I heard the same message from three different people. A controlling mother did more damage to them than anyone else. Two of the people were not even aware of alcoholism in the family. Of course that isn't to say it wasn't there but the point I took was for their situation, the alcohol was a non issue. This was a revelation for me because I had become very controlling with the children over the years of living with an alcoholic and I had justified the behaviour. And yet here was a message that I was doing more damage than my AH. I'm not excusing his behaviour and he is now sober but I'm glad I realised this because I could have easily had continued with my dysfunctional behaviour.

dothi

GiveLove said it perfectly: it's not the alcohol, it's the behavior. It's not what they say, it's what they do.

Something else to consider, bjork, is as a young child you didn't have the perception that you have now as an adult. I don't remember my dad being an alcoholic when I was young, but I do remember him being moody (hungover), sleeping a lot (sleeping off hangovers), exuberantly cheerful at times that didn't make sense (drunk), depressed (drunk), etc. As a child I couldn't understand what alcohol had to do with anything. But as an adult now seeing his behavior, I realize he's always been this way. My mom tells me he used to drink even more when us kids were young. I could not recognize any of it as being a problem until I was a teenager (because it had been so NORMAL in our house).

bjork

Thanks for the responses.

I guess I kind of thought it was all behavior passed down (like fine china....but more!). Anyhow, I think maybe as a child I didn't fully understand what was happening with alcohol either. I'm sure it's a little of both. Mainly the behaviors though.

My mother said often, "My mother said some of the most horrible things to me." Then she did the same to me and my brothers. I know whatever we got from her, she probably got ten fold worse from her own mother.

dothi

I hear what you're saying, bjork. But it doesn't make what she dished to you and your brothers any less wrong.

GingerM

Your grandmother may be responsible for getting your mother into that spot. Your mother is responsible for staying in that spot.

The same holds true for all of us. We have the option to change our behavior, or, as you said, to pass the China down to the next generation.

bjork

Do you think that my mother knows that she's abusive? Do abusers know they are abusive?

I've kind of thought that she isn't aware that she is abusive b/c she thinks her behavior is normal. I am more aware of abusive behaviors because I moved away many years ago and and studied behavior in university.

Wascally Wabbit

My mom started drinking when I was 13. She was kind of kooky before, but drinking made a monster out of her. She eventually quit, but that same behavior remains. She always complained before during and after she quit.

I say the chicken comes first.

GingerM

I doubt she uses the label "abusive" with her behavior. But I would guess that somewhere at the back of her mind something nudges her and says "that's not right". Then she does whatever she has to do to make it go away.

Very few people I've ever met were truly unaware of that what they were doing was improper on some level. They may not be able to identify it that way - but they know something inside them feels wrong.

I can tell by the look on my AF's face that he knows when he's stepped over some line. He can't or won't acknowledge it, so to make himself feel better, he finds way to make his behavior my fault. My mother, I believe, has periods where she blacks out (and has had this since long before her drinking went from "social" to "dangerous"). In her case, I don't think she remembers some of the things she's done. I know she does remember other things though, as she will modify her behavior if she's threatened emotionally, and become meek and docile.

I do think most of them (the ones who don't have serious mental health problems, such as neurosis or psychosis or some other -osis) have some little part of their brain that niggle at them - then they drink more to make that part stop niggling.

I have no idea if there's been any documented studies to support this, so really, I'm just reporting my experience and the feedback I've gotten from various therapists I've seen. Certainly, not knowing your mom, I can't say whether your mom knows (at any level) or not.