Almost. Still in the red zone.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Almost. Still in the red zone.
I wanted to get sober, I really did. It would have been one more thing I can know I did right in life, I've done so much wrong.
But I'm all alone here for the weekend, and I can't stop thinking about alcohol. My physical symptoms had mostly subsided and now they're back. My hands are typing this through shakes and spasms. I have been looking all over the SR site trying to find something that I could relate to right this moment, and I just can't find anything. It's probably there. I just can't see it right now.
I went into the city yesterday for an interview. I swear I passed 80 liquor stores (and I wasn't even counting) on the way in. I remember laughing about it. Didn't think twice, didn't even realize that I didn't think twice. Stopped at my aunt's house for dinner, and that's where things got weird. As I walked up the path, a friend of my uncle's handed me a beer. No questions, just handed me a beer. I didn't want to start a scene by refusing it, so I walked it into the house and set it on the table knowing that nobody would question a mysterious beer. Not in that house, with 8 or 9 practicing addicts/alcoholics there at any given time. I still didn't feel compelled to drink.
Later my cousin didn't want to drive me back. He thought I should spend the weekend there, instead of all lonely out here—my fault, since I guess I'm forever complaining about my life at college. I didn't bother to explain why, I just told him I had to go. I can't stay at a house full of beer, whiskey, cocaine and oxycodone with 8 days sober, even if three out of four don't really appeal to me. Who knows, I might get to trying new sensations...
So now I'm back out here in isolation, and for reasons I don't understand, I wish I had stayed. And not for the company, necessarily. Although I guess I am going through “people withdrawals” at the same time. I'm really thinking I'd rather be in that blurry state that alcohol puts me into, where I don't have to worry much. Which I really, really don't understand because I am not worrying right now. I'm just lonely and bored.
On something I read in here a while ago, somebody put up that you can't get hungry-lonely-angry-tired. Well, last night I slept for 8 hours, the longest yet without liquor. I just ate a hearty lunch. I got nothing to be mad about today. But my problem is loneliness and I don't see that ending soon. I have long ago given up trying to talk to anybody around here. I tried to call my cousin back home, who is the only person I can speak to about my fears and the funny things I keep doing while I'm learning how to do basic things while sober. He has the closest grasp of the concept, but does not want to get sober/clean. Everybody else I know thinks I'm a fool or just exaggerating for thinking I have a problem, partly because I have always been very functional.
So anyways, I haven't drunk anything yet, but I don't know how long I can hold out. Just being honest. F- a day at a time, I guarantee that would result in me drunk. I think I'm going to start with a half hour at a time. That's about how long it took me to think this post through and type it nice. So I made it to 2:45. Now to get to 3:15.
I started out writing this as a statement of what happened, so that next time I could look back in the archives or whatever and know what I thought at the time. But, for the second time, writing a superlong post has calmed me past the point of wanting to drink right now. I can feel it in my arms, though, that underlying tenseness that used to cause fistfights. Now that I'm older, it usually results in an empty bottle. So I might not last the whole day, but I guess I lasted another half hour. (And here my mind stopped me short: what good's another half hour in a whole life?)
I just noticed the header to the forum says something about asking questions. This isn't really a question, so maybe it's in the wrong place. Or, on a deeper level that I can't see, maybe it the whole post is some kind of question. I don't know. I just wish I could think of something else for a few hours. Stupid DTV ain't worth nothing, I can't get a whole show without it turning into little squares for minutes.
Well, I'm going to go outside and smoke a cigarette, commune with trees or something and probably get ants all over me. Real ants, not the ones my nervous system keeps telling me about. To those that read this all, thanks. To everybody on the planet, I hope y'all have a better day than me.
But I'm all alone here for the weekend, and I can't stop thinking about alcohol. My physical symptoms had mostly subsided and now they're back. My hands are typing this through shakes and spasms. I have been looking all over the SR site trying to find something that I could relate to right this moment, and I just can't find anything. It's probably there. I just can't see it right now.
I went into the city yesterday for an interview. I swear I passed 80 liquor stores (and I wasn't even counting) on the way in. I remember laughing about it. Didn't think twice, didn't even realize that I didn't think twice. Stopped at my aunt's house for dinner, and that's where things got weird. As I walked up the path, a friend of my uncle's handed me a beer. No questions, just handed me a beer. I didn't want to start a scene by refusing it, so I walked it into the house and set it on the table knowing that nobody would question a mysterious beer. Not in that house, with 8 or 9 practicing addicts/alcoholics there at any given time. I still didn't feel compelled to drink.
Later my cousin didn't want to drive me back. He thought I should spend the weekend there, instead of all lonely out here—my fault, since I guess I'm forever complaining about my life at college. I didn't bother to explain why, I just told him I had to go. I can't stay at a house full of beer, whiskey, cocaine and oxycodone with 8 days sober, even if three out of four don't really appeal to me. Who knows, I might get to trying new sensations...
So now I'm back out here in isolation, and for reasons I don't understand, I wish I had stayed. And not for the company, necessarily. Although I guess I am going through “people withdrawals” at the same time. I'm really thinking I'd rather be in that blurry state that alcohol puts me into, where I don't have to worry much. Which I really, really don't understand because I am not worrying right now. I'm just lonely and bored.
On something I read in here a while ago, somebody put up that you can't get hungry-lonely-angry-tired. Well, last night I slept for 8 hours, the longest yet without liquor. I just ate a hearty lunch. I got nothing to be mad about today. But my problem is loneliness and I don't see that ending soon. I have long ago given up trying to talk to anybody around here. I tried to call my cousin back home, who is the only person I can speak to about my fears and the funny things I keep doing while I'm learning how to do basic things while sober. He has the closest grasp of the concept, but does not want to get sober/clean. Everybody else I know thinks I'm a fool or just exaggerating for thinking I have a problem, partly because I have always been very functional.
So anyways, I haven't drunk anything yet, but I don't know how long I can hold out. Just being honest. F- a day at a time, I guarantee that would result in me drunk. I think I'm going to start with a half hour at a time. That's about how long it took me to think this post through and type it nice. So I made it to 2:45. Now to get to 3:15.
I started out writing this as a statement of what happened, so that next time I could look back in the archives or whatever and know what I thought at the time. But, for the second time, writing a superlong post has calmed me past the point of wanting to drink right now. I can feel it in my arms, though, that underlying tenseness that used to cause fistfights. Now that I'm older, it usually results in an empty bottle. So I might not last the whole day, but I guess I lasted another half hour. (And here my mind stopped me short: what good's another half hour in a whole life?)
I just noticed the header to the forum says something about asking questions. This isn't really a question, so maybe it's in the wrong place. Or, on a deeper level that I can't see, maybe it the whole post is some kind of question. I don't know. I just wish I could think of something else for a few hours. Stupid DTV ain't worth nothing, I can't get a whole show without it turning into little squares for minutes.
Well, I'm going to go outside and smoke a cigarette, commune with trees or something and probably get ants all over me. Real ants, not the ones my nervous system keeps telling me about. To those that read this all, thanks. To everybody on the planet, I hope y'all have a better day than me.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 111
TB,
well done getting yourself out of a dangerous situation. be glad you got out. it may not feel so good right now, but when you wake up sober AGAIN tomorrow, it will. you will know you made the right choice. keep typing, keep interacting. this place really helped me early on, and continues to do so.
bh
well done getting yourself out of a dangerous situation. be glad you got out. it may not feel so good right now, but when you wake up sober AGAIN tomorrow, it will. you will know you made the right choice. keep typing, keep interacting. this place really helped me early on, and continues to do so.
bh
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
You did the right thing by coming here, you sound like a very nice person that is going through a hard time.
Congrats on passing up the beer hand off
that would be a tough one for sure.
Keep reading, posting, asking questions & sharing. Dont worry about the format or what others will think. You have found a great spot here & we all "get it" as we have been & are right where you are at.
This is a good read even if you don't go to the meetings Big Book Online Fourth Edition
This will help you to understand what is going on http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Take care & all of the best in your recovery.
NB
Congrats on passing up the beer hand off
that would be a tough one for sure. Keep reading, posting, asking questions & sharing. Dont worry about the format or what others will think. You have found a great spot here & we all "get it" as we have been & are right where you are at.
This is a good read even if you don't go to the meetings Big Book Online Fourth Edition
This will help you to understand what is going on http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Take care & all of the best in your recovery.
NB
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 248
Hang in there. You will be so glad you did when this feeling passes and especially tomorrow morning. I certainly can feel your pain with less than 3 weeks in myself. Keep posting or pm'ing to keep your mind occupied on something else.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
You slept good, had a good lunch, gonna commune with nature and not drink... mmm... not a bad day. Be grateful for all that you have, that helps, it really does. I find when I am in my lonely place and want to get out of it...
1.) SR - this forum can really help with that.
2.) AA Meeting. I don't know where you are at with AA, so forgive me if you aren't interested... It's not really that I want to promote AA as a program for recovery, it happens to be a good one... No, it is that there are so many meetings in so many places that you can find one almost anytime... And there are people there who know....exactly.....how.....you.....feel right now.
3.) Exercise. Walk, run, bike, whatever... endorphins help.
4.) Good movie... Yea, I know, your DTV is not picking up so good, sounds like it needs to be aimed better.... so, if you know how, there is a project
Congrats on your sober time and especially for making a good decision not to hang around all that booze and those pills...
Mark
1.) SR - this forum can really help with that.
2.) AA Meeting. I don't know where you are at with AA, so forgive me if you aren't interested... It's not really that I want to promote AA as a program for recovery, it happens to be a good one... No, it is that there are so many meetings in so many places that you can find one almost anytime... And there are people there who know....exactly.....how.....you.....feel right now.
3.) Exercise. Walk, run, bike, whatever... endorphins help.
4.) Good movie... Yea, I know, your DTV is not picking up so good, sounds like it needs to be aimed better.... so, if you know how, there is a project
Congrats on your sober time and especially for making a good decision not to hang around all that booze and those pills...
Mark
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
For free movies & all of the tv shows you could ever watch go to NinjaVideo.net 
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
I'm back now, still sober. Wow. I packed all sorts of activities into those couple hours. Took a shower, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned part of my room, debated reading a book but my mind is going too fast to focus on that.
Thanks again to all who took the time to answer. Those, and the comments from brokenhalo's 30-day post remind me that I'm just not used to having emotions and I don't know what to do with them. I guess I'm deep down a little girl, since that's about when I started drinking. However, all the ups and downs seem to me like it would take its toll on my body and mind. Although, I guess it's probably better than an lakeful of whiskey.
I guess tomorrow I'll see it all different, again. I'm starting to see the pattern, mostly through the things I'm writing. Hmmph.
Tomorrow, I'm off to church in the morning and the other meeting in my area is tomorrow night. Hopefully that one will exist. Haven't been to church in a while, either. Maybe the both will provide me some comfort with what I'm going through. I want to at least learn what all this sponsor and steps stuff is, I mean, I looked it up, but I don't know how that there works yet. I'm definitely willing to try.
NewBeginning, it wasn't as easy as I made it sound. Well, putting it down was. But I knew it was there for a while, the thought of it kept flitting across my mind. I knew i was only safe from it when I left. I didn't even drink much beer. Couldn't get me drunk enough...
Cubile, yeah, all of the above. I gotta walk, seems that I lost my license somewhere in those now-cloudy days... And somehow I manage to avoid the temptation of six cylinders fifty feet away without any problem. Yet the liquor store is ten minutes by car, about a half hour walking, and that's what's pulling at me.
Sitting here reading SR listening to music... And I noticed that all my favorite songs are by people who were/are for addiction to some substance or other. Some recovered, some died of it, and some are still crying over it. But that seems odd to me. Maybe I'm just seeing things. Right now, I made a playlist of songs by people in recovery, their words seem to reinforce what I'm reading but not honestly feeling (yet).
H- I spent 2/3 of my life just floating forward at an alarming rate. No needing to stop now. I guess I'll just get to tomorrow somehow.
Thanks again to all who took the time to answer. Those, and the comments from brokenhalo's 30-day post remind me that I'm just not used to having emotions and I don't know what to do with them. I guess I'm deep down a little girl, since that's about when I started drinking. However, all the ups and downs seem to me like it would take its toll on my body and mind. Although, I guess it's probably better than an lakeful of whiskey.
I guess tomorrow I'll see it all different, again. I'm starting to see the pattern, mostly through the things I'm writing. Hmmph.
Tomorrow, I'm off to church in the morning and the other meeting in my area is tomorrow night. Hopefully that one will exist. Haven't been to church in a while, either. Maybe the both will provide me some comfort with what I'm going through. I want to at least learn what all this sponsor and steps stuff is, I mean, I looked it up, but I don't know how that there works yet. I'm definitely willing to try.
NewBeginning, it wasn't as easy as I made it sound. Well, putting it down was. But I knew it was there for a while, the thought of it kept flitting across my mind. I knew i was only safe from it when I left. I didn't even drink much beer. Couldn't get me drunk enough...
Cubile, yeah, all of the above. I gotta walk, seems that I lost my license somewhere in those now-cloudy days... And somehow I manage to avoid the temptation of six cylinders fifty feet away without any problem. Yet the liquor store is ten minutes by car, about a half hour walking, and that's what's pulling at me.
Sitting here reading SR listening to music... And I noticed that all my favorite songs are by people who were/are for addiction to some substance or other. Some recovered, some died of it, and some are still crying over it. But that seems odd to me. Maybe I'm just seeing things. Right now, I made a playlist of songs by people in recovery, their words seem to reinforce what I'm reading but not honestly feeling (yet).
H- I spent 2/3 of my life just floating forward at an alarming rate. No needing to stop now. I guess I'll just get to tomorrow somehow.
You must be very strong to resist that, great work!Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I couldn't read, watch a whole movie, anything early in sobriety... except... I could read the Big Book... then other recovery material... then slowly, the shame started easing, the mind stopped swirling around... and now, I can do whatever I want... still have some motivation issues, sorting through some resentments, but that's Ok.
If you don't have one, don't leave the meeting without one... I'm serious... It is a Godsend... truly.
Mark
If you don't have one, don't leave the meeting without one... I'm serious... It is a Godsend... truly.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Your head will slow down by the way. I had a hard time focusing in the "beginning" of being sober. Lot's of side effects from coming down off that nasty @ss alcohol.
Hang in there, every day you'll "feel" how much better you feel. You're doing great!!!
Hang in there, every day you'll "feel" how much better you feel. You're doing great!!!
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Thanks y'all, I very much hope so.
This is good? Oh. I figured I was messing this up too. I guess years of being the one messing up finally infiltrated my brain.
And Stevie Ray Vaughn... yup. That would be one...
This is good? Oh. I figured I was messing this up too. I guess years of being the one messing up finally infiltrated my brain.
And Stevie Ray Vaughn... yup. That would be one...
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
That is so true about the DTV turning into little squares. I thought this was supposed to be an improvement! I'm sorry this reply isn't more to the point of your post.
I just signed up and I'm struggling to stay sober and I'm learning this site - I have 0 experience in "posting/blogging" and wanted to get my feet wet.
Thanks for sharing.
I just signed up and I'm struggling to stay sober and I'm learning this site - I have 0 experience in "posting/blogging" and wanted to get my feet wet.
Thanks for sharing.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
Welcome to SR Kjell 
Feel free to start your own thread if you like and tell us a bit about yourself (but there's no rule says you have to either).
Just click the little blue 'new thread' button at the top left hand side of the main page of this forum
Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
..and you're away
D
Feel free to start your own thread if you like and tell us a bit about yourself (but there's no rule says you have to either).
Just click the little blue 'new thread' button at the top left hand side of the main page of this forum
Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
..and you're away
D
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
kjell, feel free to hijack my threads at any time. This is the first forum I have ever actually participated in, too, so I can totally relate to not really knowing what to do. (Of course, if you want to start your own, that's cool too.) And if your struggling with getting sober, you're pretty much in the right place. I, for one, am doing the same thing right here and somehow making it through hours/days on end, with the kind assistance of all the people who answer me and post their own things for me to read (so I don't have to ask more questions). And welcome!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hey Thirtybubba!
I just got back from a meeting myself and checked the new posts. I am catching up on your story and I'm so excited to see that you're hanging in there! I know you can do this, you sound like a very 'together' person and you're doing all the right things. I'm following your posts so I'll definitely be checking in tomorrow to see how you are.
1/2 hour at a time works.... just keep doin' it. I'm so proud of you!
I just got back from a meeting myself and checked the new posts. I am catching up on your story and I'm so excited to see that you're hanging in there! I know you can do this, you sound like a very 'together' person and you're doing all the right things. I'm following your posts so I'll definitely be checking in tomorrow to see how you are.
1/2 hour at a time works.... just keep doin' it. I'm so proud of you!
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Tjp613,
And yet I feel like I'm falling apart...
Proud to announce that I have recently mastered the art of walking in a straight line while sober. Also, that I think the little needle is back in the black zone. For now at least.
And yet I feel like I'm falling apart...
Proud to announce that I have recently mastered the art of walking in a straight line while sober. Also, that I think the little needle is back in the black zone. For now at least.
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