28Days

Today I woke up crying. I had been crying all night. Why? Because I dreamed about him again last night. But not the him he is now, but the him he used to be. My sober man. It was so vivid..but I knew it was a dream all along. Did that make me stop enjoying it? Or stop believing it? Of course not. I woke up in the middle of the night expecting to roll over to put my arm over him and my head on his chest..of course to find his half of the bed empty. And it's going to be empty for the rest of my life. He will never fill that space again.

I still think about what he used to be. What I knew him to be. But I know that he's gone forever. His drugs are his everything. Last week he went too far. I am currently in the process of pressing sexual assault charges against my ex. He hates me for it. I just hope that the evidence I have is enough to get through the courts. I didn't go to the police for 5 days, so unfortunately we didn't get a kit done. I waited so long because, stupidly, I thought that him and I could deal with it ourselves. Stupid child.

This is not Brendann. Not anymore. He is gone. Forever, I'm sure. He would never have done something like this. He would never talk like this. Act like this. He's treating his best friend, the girl that was his EVERYTHING (other than me), horribly even. She told him to come talk to me, or she's done with him. He never did. She was crying on the phone and he yelled at her.

I just needed somewhere to vent I think, but I don't want to make this too long by including details or everything...

There's so much more to it....I just can't believe it's come to this. I wish I had listened to you all. I should have walked away. I should have stayed away. I just really never thought that he'd turn out like this...And not even care...My heart is broken. I feel so hurt. So used. Betrayed. Alone. Helpless. Hopeless.

Learn2Live

28days, please don't feel alone. I am going through the same dreams, the same heartache, the same wishing and longing for My David. Where did he go? He's like a ghost that haunts me. We had so much in common, and loved to do the same things, and he was so very kind, sweet, and caring. He'd do nearly anything for me. He even quit that life to be with me...but only made it four months. Today I feel like what is left for me to live for?

28Days

...Mine made it two weeks...I miss him....it kills me to know he's gone...I know almost everyone is going to tell me that I'm still young, we weren't together long..I should just move on and let go....but....I just can't...Him and I were amazing together. He would do anything for me. I was his everything. He was mine. I can't imagine my life without him even as a friend. But...even though he was still with me....he had been gone a long time. I've figured that out now....Exactly...Where did he go? I can't seem to find him. Sometimes..when we're sitting together...he says something...does something...or just looks at me...and I can see my boy in his eyes...I can see a glimpse of him...and just as fast as it flashed in...it's gone...And I can't bring him back..

Where do we go from here?

gotahavfaith

Dear 28 Days

I don't have any advise for you but I just wanted you to know how sorry I am that all this has happened to you. Will say a prayer for you.

Gotahavfaith

IPT

I too am dealing with the loss of someone I cared so much about. She tried from time to time to get her act together but never really, and not for long. It tears me apart all the hopes and dreams I am having to let go of. I've said this in other posts but I almost can't tell what hurts more, accepting reality of what I really had, or how much poor treatment I accepted for so long with no change ever happeneing.

My girl was a beautiful women who got delt a poor hand in life. She had a horrible childhood and little parenting. The ramifications are tremendous. She had no self esteem and literally hated herself. It broke my heart. I have never meet someone so lost and sad. I wonder how much of the intense emotions I felt for her were love, and how much were really compassion. I SO wanted her to be happy, to have a healthy life. I tried my best to give that to her.

It's empty now like you said in the morning I miss her at my side. I miss her snuggled up next to me during a movie. I don't miss her not showing up. I don't miss her excuses or her being late all the time. Still, it;s amazing how we protect ourself from negative and focus on the good things we miss.

No matter what way you cut it, it's a loss in our lives. For better or worse there is a hole now where someone we cared about ws and that is hard to adjust too. Life sure can be a challenge at times. Seems hard to even remember being happy at all at this very moment....

cassandra2

[QUOTE=28Days;2323134 I was his everything. He was mine. [/QUOTE]

Honey I am so sorry you are going through this. I really am. But I saw this and it really bothered me. NO ONE in this world should be your EVERYTHING. You CANNOT and SHOULD NOT depend on ANYONE this way.

We are all human beings. We make mistakes. We hurt loved ones. We do and say stupid things.

So therefore if you think that SOMEONE is your EVERYTHING then you almost ALWAYS will set yourself up for disappointment.

NO ONE absolutely NO ONE can be everything to someone.

Look at yourself. Try to figure out why you thought this man was your everything.

Alaia

28days...u are not alone. I am going through the same thing with Eric. It's been over for awhile yet he still haunts me every moment of everyday.

28Days

I didn't mean it so literally. Clearly he wasn't my everything. I still lived without him and can function without him. It was just the easiest way to get my thoughts across I guess. In reality...he just means a great deal to me. I felt more for him than I thought possible. I have always had tainted views on relationships and the like, as I have never once in my life witnessed a healthy relationship. I got screwed up real young to be honest.

This boy..means everything to me, but he is not my everything. If that makes sense?


Alaia- Each and everytime I read your posts my heart breaks for you. I know how you feel, or as well as I could. Things will get better...'cause they have too...right?

outtolunch

Women have a tendency to view relationships through the eyes of hopeful fantasy and persist in the belief that somehow, someway, things will change.

Each of us is responsible for our own lives and outcomes.

Learn2Live

IPT, it makes me cry to read your words. I feel the same way as you do. I've had to let go of so many hopes and dreams after so many relationships have not worked; having to do so with this one is killing me.

IPT

learn - been doing a LOT of self exploration (with books and a counselor too). This is one of the hardest breakups I’ve had. As I look back though, I will admit I have a tendency of staying in relationships I know are not right for me WAY too long. I get that feeling, then just bury it and live in the good parts of it. Then the connection, hopes, and dreams grow and grow. It makes it even harder to get out and more painful when I do…

As they say “it takes two to Tango”. It seemed so clear to me that I was just helping and loving someone. She was the one so clearly with the problems. My struggles get harder now as I really look at this relationship. Probably the most painful thing for me is being deceived. I believed her all those times she said she’d come, quit, or be on time. The times she said I was the most important thing in her life (though her actions said otherwise), that she loved me, wanted a future, etc. I think I HAD to believe her because accepting the truth was too painful (that it was not going to happen). Maybe she did mean all those things, and the addiction was just too strong for her. In the end it is all the same, I came second to someone or something. So here I am now, accepting that truth…with 4 years of effort and connection invested and it hurts even more than if I had accepted it when it first was evident (and that was long time ago).

I hate her for how she treated me. I’m upset with myself for letting her do it. I am fearful of my own short comings (which throughout the relationship I WAS BLIND TO. I literally COULD NOT SEE my wrong doings, and I really tried to look for them). My own issues are slowly becoming more evident. I have a lot of self exploration to do in addition to healing from a relationship that was convoluted and twisted with deception from multiple angles, including within myself. It’s tough.

sskaye70

You said it all! my only brother just died june2nd of heroin overdose, and the excuses!!!!!!!!! i miss him, nothing else...i miss when he was kind and generous and oh so loving to me and my kids...I had him with me 3 months b4 he died. everyday was a new a excuse!!! i adored and admired him. i hope u r doing well!! just text me if u r ever lonely, i will listen!! Sedra hugs many hugs and prayers

kj3880

28 days,
Has anyone suggested to you to read "Codependent No More" by Medodie Beatty? It will help you a great deal, with the pain and with letting go when you need to do so. Sometimes we have to let go of someone we love and let God in.

I understand having your heart broke. I sure have been there. But I am afraid taht this addict will turn to you again when he's broke or down on his luck, and there you will be, picking up the pieces. We won't hear from you for a few days or weeks while he does what he has to do to get into your good graces. Then Whaam! Back out he goes and you get your poor heart stomped on again. It's a vicious circle to rival drug addiction. I urge you to at least read the book I listed above. It is available for just a few bucks on amazon, even less if you get it used.

You must find some way to let him go, or you are going to get dragged. Listening to your posts is like hearing a train wreck coming. And it wasn't long ago that I was on those same tracks. Take care of you.

Love,
KJ

28Days

I've heard of the book...but...I'm just...I've never found books to be overly helpful...

Last time he came back, I told him that I wasn't sure if I'd let him in my life this time, and if I did things would be different. As we discussed what would be different, he went too far. Now, he'll never come back. He insists on it. I've done enough back and forth. I wish that he would come back, because then I could walk out on him this time. And I could at least make sure he knew why, and what's coming. And it could make some sort of impact. So when he looked back he'd still see that I tried. Not what's happening now.

I'm pretty sure the train wreck has hit. Which is why he's looking at criminal charges.

teke

hi, just wanted to chime in to say that i'm sorry and that you are not alone. it does get better. it took me 23 yrs to figure out that nothing i could have do or said would have made a difference with my ah and his addiction until he was ready to help himself.

you are very strong and seem to know what you need to do to protect yourself for a lifetime of pain. i'm praying for you and yours

IPT

oops - double post

IPT

I tried this. The first time we made an agreement that we were both going to sign. She couldn't commit to that. The second time she pleaded with me to give her one more chance. She told me how she realized all of her mistakes and understood what needed to change. She wrote up what she wanted to change, and even signed it this time. Lasted about 3 months. I even pointed out that she was off track and I would not tolerate being in a relationship like that. My boundaries were clear. By Easter I had enough after a no show no call and we were done....then (see below)


After not seeing her for 5 weeks we spoke, then meet up, then got physical. Then I was getting sucked back in and SHE suddenly disappeared after I told her I was getting attached. It is so much harder for me now because I feel so left hanging. She took the power in a sense, left me hanging. It sure is easier when you are the one making the break for your own good and health. It amazes me that I cannot get back to where I was a few months ago simply because I feel left hanging with things unresolved. Before it was so clear and I was at peace. Now I feel abandoned, lied to, used, and hurt. Last time I felt pround, strong, and good that I had drawn the line. I felt the loss, but not the pain.This is no easy path that we are one, and I am travelling with you painfully.

lightseeker

I have felt exactly the same way before when a relationship ended that way - as long as it was me leaving it was one thing but when they did - wow....the abandonment feelings kicked in as did the anguish. I realized that the feelings that I was having were disportionate to the situation which led me to realize that I was probably grieving/experiencing an "old" wound. A wound that was reopened by the recent abandonment. Rather than looking directly at the feelings/relationship that are occurring now what about quietly taking a look back and recognizing when you might have felt similarly. These feelings might be a trailhead back to what really needs to be healed in your life. I'm not saying that is the case but it's at least a place to look.

There are areas in our brains that take current day information and overlay it to our past experiences.

Just a thought to consider.....going there has helped me. Before I did this I had a really hard time understanding why I was grieving so horribly for someone that I should be glad had moved on.

28Days

So last night I go to sleep...seriously hoping that I wouldn't wake up today. I'm heavily considering just dropping the charges against him..Just because I can't handle all the stress that comes with it all...It has become more complicated than I have ever hoped.

Blackrose56

I can relate. I've known my ex since he was 11 and he's 45 now. He was my best friend. And I left him in 2005 after I realized I could no longer watch him die or deal with the person he became when he used. I gave him a million chances and things would get better for a time and then he'd relapse. I've moved on slowly, but as you can see in my other post I still miss him. Especially lately when things have not been going too well for me. My therapist tells me I have to walk through the pain. NOT try to rush it. And I too, wonder how could this man who would NEVER hurt me say or do the things he does now. And why he wonders why it hurts that one week he tells me he's going to get clean and come out here and 2 weeks later he marries another addict. But I forget his idea of marriage is not for love...it's for survival. And even though we've been apart almost 4 years, I still have dreams about him and still wake up and miss the man he was.