QuietAndSmall

Well since I'm last posted (back in april I think) my mom relapsed and it's pretty bad. When my mom drinks, she isloates, talks to no one except my dad and if she's talking to my dad that's not a good thing because it's not talking, it's fighting. That hasn't happened just yet--my dad is in total denial at the moment, I know he realizes she's drinking again but refuses to acknowledge it, you know what I mean? Soon he'll blow up at her and all the fighting will start and I'm hoping that I'm not anywhere near the house when that happens. Meanwhile, my dad kicked out my brother 6 days ago because he figured out that he's smoking pot again. So I haven't heard from him either and it's getting harder and harder to trudge through each days' sh-t and act like things are okay. I meet up with a lot of friends on my days off so I can spend less time at home and none of them know anything of my family situation. I just hide everything because they won't understand the emotional trauma this stuff causes and I think they'll just try to make light of the situation when they have no idea how much it hurts.

There is only one person I've been able to "talk" to openly about things and that's a former teacher of mine. I talk to her through email, even though I could easily meet up with her and talk to her f2f but I'm too afraid too. She's the person I've been able to trust and doesn't judge me and I am truly grateful that she is there for me and willing to support me... Recently I emailed her about everything that's gone on in the last couple of weeks and told her how sick I was of hiding how I feel and what I think constantly from everybody. I told her I know I needed to talk to someone but if faced with the opportunity I would be too afraid to take it. Well she offered me up her phone number and told me we could meet anytime to talk if I wanted too and I really really want to but I don't know what I'd say...and I know I'd just sit there feeling so stupid, crying the whole time and I hate that feeling. I'm seriously considering talking to her but I just need an extra little nudge or push from somebody telling me to forget my fears and just go do it because I am at breaking point with this stuff. I know I would feel so much better after going but talking to people is not my forte...

I'm just struggling to take the next step

Still Waters

You might be surprised at how many people do understand some of what you're going through. Alcoholism touches so many families.

Do go talk to your teacher, do something good for yourself.

Freedom1990

I had a teacher in high school who was there for me when I was going through some really painful stuff in my life. She was so kind and never judged. That was over 30 years ago, and I still think of her from time to time.

Please take the help she's offering. :ghug2

TakingCharge999

QuietAndSmall I suggest you plan something good for you, like buying yourself a flower or buy an ice cream or whatever you like, after meeting your teacher... so you look forward to do it...

OR you can just stay as you are and never talk to anyone. How has that worked for you so far?

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

tjp613

Quiet - It's so, so important for you to talk to an adult that you trust. I'm glad that you are at least e-mailing her. That's great!

Just think if the shoe were on the other foot...and you had a good friend that needed help like your teacher is offering. Would you care if she just sat there and cried? Wouldn't you be glad that she came to you and trusted you? Wouldn't it make you feel good just to hug her and let her cry? She could be a tremendous support for you and it sounds like you need a positive influence in your life right now. Your teacher must be praying and praying that you'll agree to meet with her. She must care about you very much.... let her be a real friend. Call her right now.

Hugs to you, sweetie.

QuietAndSmall

Thank you tjp, put things in perspective for me, I think that's what I needed.

naive

hello quiet and small-

you know, it is a strength to be able to ask for help when we need it. believe me, you are not the only person who feels overwhelmed by life sometimes. we all have tough times that we need help through. every single one of us.

i am so happy that you have someone to turn to. call her and just be yourself. you are not alone. all you need to do is reach out.

let us know how it goes.
you take care.
naive

hr4644

I definitely know what you mean about hating the feeling of just sitting there and crying, especially when you have another person sitting across from you. What I've found helps me is to just stop fighting the tears! I used to cry maybe once a year and since there was a year's worth of emotion pent up, it was always this horrible, huge production that lasted forever and all I ended up with was a stuffy nose. Now... well, the last few weeks have been rough, and I probably cry every other day or so. Mortifying, I know. But guess what - since I'm doing it regularly, I cry for maybe 5 minutes, feel so much better, can let go of my sadness/frustration for a bit, and don't even end up with a blotchy face. I would definitely meet up with your teacher and if you need to cry the whole time, then go for it.

QuietAndSmall

That's what she tells me, that most people don't even have enough strength/courage to even write out their thoughts. That doesn't really change anything, it's not really getting me anywhere anymore.

I know I'm not alone or anything, there are other kids like me out there, I just don't know any. I'm sure there's lots of them at my school, who really knows. I know my teacher cares about me a lot and she's shows it with every email she sends but I don't know... it's just so d*mn difficult to talk about. :\

I know I need to do it sometime. I just can't decide if I'm ready to take this next step or not. I like how tjp put it but I'm such a chicken!!! I don't know what I'm going to do yet...

tjp613

Quiet - Have you ever heard of Alateen? It's a support group for teenagers whose lives are affected by alcoholism. My daughter attends once a week and she loves it!! If you can't get to a meeting, there are online meetings and "lone member" services available to you. There are lots of reading materials available to you as well -- check with your library or order online. That would be a good place for you to start in the meantime...at least you would be connecting with people in the same situation as yourself. I know it's tough. My kids have an alcoholic father (we're divorced) and my son is now suffering pretty badly because of it. Please reach out for help of some kind. There is no need to go this alone.

Here is the website: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

Here is an Amazon search for reading material that you could possibly check out from your library. Your school counselors probably have these books available too: Amazon.com: alateen: Books

QuietAndSmall

I know alateen and alanon and all that stuff. Thanks though.

naive

have you ever been to an alateen meeting?

wise people say to try it for 6 meetings and see if it helps.

QuietAndSmall

Yes, I've been to Alateen meetings as well as Alanon ones. I like Alanon better personally. The age group for Alateen around here seems to be 12-15 (I'm 17)... I've taken plenty of stuff from the meetings that has helped me to detach a little but I can't say I feel like going back just yet.

tjp613

Well, let me ask you this... what do you think would help you to cope better with your world? Reasons to get out of the house more? Maybe volunteering somewhere? What are your ideas?