HELP!!!! Police called and want me to identify him
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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HELP!!!! Police called and want me to identify him
Hi-
I got a call from the police last night asking if they could meet with me today and identify my alcohol/crack addicted husband from a photo or video. I have no idea what he has done now. It's been over 3 months since I've seen him but he still calls and sometimes I'll talk to him for a minute if I'm in the mood!! I don't mind identifing him but I don't want to be the one to identify him at a crime scene. I am divorcing him and told him the other day that whatever was going on was his business and he needed to handle it. Since I booted him out last year he had been living in his van. Now he has picked up a 20 yr. old crackwhore who lived in the van with him for awhile. They are now staying with her sister and have new cell phones. How unemployed people have cell phones is beyond me!! He had the bill sent to my house!! He's really got some big freaking balls to do some of the things he does. So now I have his CW phone number too! How lovely!!
Anyway I want to do the right thing but I don't want to have to go to court for anything and I don't want to identify him at a crime scene. Gosh any opinions or thoughts would be appreciated. The investigator should be calling to meet soon!! I just kinda feel like scared and nervous and a couple other things I can't explain. I hate being in this situtation.
I got a call from the police last night asking if they could meet with me today and identify my alcohol/crack addicted husband from a photo or video. I have no idea what he has done now. It's been over 3 months since I've seen him but he still calls and sometimes I'll talk to him for a minute if I'm in the mood!! I don't mind identifing him but I don't want to be the one to identify him at a crime scene. I am divorcing him and told him the other day that whatever was going on was his business and he needed to handle it. Since I booted him out last year he had been living in his van. Now he has picked up a 20 yr. old crackwhore who lived in the van with him for awhile. They are now staying with her sister and have new cell phones. How unemployed people have cell phones is beyond me!! He had the bill sent to my house!! He's really got some big freaking balls to do some of the things he does. So now I have his CW phone number too! How lovely!!
Anyway I want to do the right thing but I don't want to have to go to court for anything and I don't want to identify him at a crime scene. Gosh any opinions or thoughts would be appreciated. The investigator should be calling to meet soon!! I just kinda feel like scared and nervous and a couple other things I can't explain. I hate being in this situtation.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi there-
hmmm. i don't think the police can force you to participate at this stage. i suppose they could supoena you at a later date to force you.
i do understand you not wanting to be the one to put that nail in his coffin. very much actually.
to me, it would matter what he had actually done. if it was theft or something, i wouldn't get involved. if it was something that harmed someone else, then i would have to weigh the overall consequences ...
if it was me, i would tell the police that without more information, i choose not to participate. if they give you more information, i also think that it is fine for you to say that you want some time to consider it.
i was in a somewhat similar position, and the police accepted my refusal BUT came to my house three days in a row afterwards, asking me if i had changed my mind. they never forced me to do anything. they also sent over women officers, in case i might feel more comfortable to speak to a woman. then, the sargeant himself called me and was a bit more heavy handed than the others.
at the end of the day, they did not come up with paperwork from a judge forcing me to testify against my will.
good luck to you.
naive
hmmm. i don't think the police can force you to participate at this stage. i suppose they could supoena you at a later date to force you.
i do understand you not wanting to be the one to put that nail in his coffin. very much actually.
to me, it would matter what he had actually done. if it was theft or something, i wouldn't get involved. if it was something that harmed someone else, then i would have to weigh the overall consequences ...
if it was me, i would tell the police that without more information, i choose not to participate. if they give you more information, i also think that it is fine for you to say that you want some time to consider it.
i was in a somewhat similar position, and the police accepted my refusal BUT came to my house three days in a row afterwards, asking me if i had changed my mind. they never forced me to do anything. they also sent over women officers, in case i might feel more comfortable to speak to a woman. then, the sargeant himself called me and was a bit more heavy handed than the others.
at the end of the day, they did not come up with paperwork from a judge forcing me to testify against my will.
good luck to you.
naive
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Here's my advice: Do not do anything you don't want to do, or anything that causes you pain and stress. UNLESS not doing what they are asking would be breaking the law. I don't think so; I think if it were required by the court, they would serve you a warrant, but I'm not a lawyer.
You can always ask the police if you are required by law to identify him. Or you can call the court and ask for the free legal advice phone number and they will tell you.
I would just give the investigator the CW's phone number and tell them to call her.
You can always ask the police if you are required by law to identify him. Or you can call the court and ask for the free legal advice phone number and they will tell you.
I would just give the investigator the CW's phone number and tell them to call her.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Don't borrow trouble before it gets here. You have no idea right now whether they would want you to appear in court.
Doing the right thing is sometimes very hard, but the end result for me is being able to look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day.
Doing the right thing is sometimes very hard, but the end result for me is being able to look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
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They cannot force you to do anything unless you are a material witness, which you are not. If you choose not to cooperate as a material witness, they can subpoena you (not an arrest warrant). If you defy the subpoena, then they can issue an arrest warrant for contempt of court.
But why are you worried? He is likely to kill someone or get killed in his current condition. I would go and look at the photos and say it is him, or it isn't. (NOTE:if the video is of him committing a crime, you may have crossed the "material witness" line).
Good luck.
I would give them both of the cell numbers too.
But why are you worried? He is likely to kill someone or get killed in his current condition. I would go and look at the photos and say it is him, or it isn't. (NOTE:if the video is of him committing a crime, you may have crossed the "material witness" line).
Good luck.
I would give them both of the cell numbers too.
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Originally Posted by Still Waters 
Oh my, I would be totally freaked out by this too.
Ask the investigator what you have to do as opposed to what they want you to do.
Ask the investigator what you have to do as opposed to what they want you to do.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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I've already given them his new number and will give them hers today. He could have done anything actually. I don't put anything past him at this point. I had hoped him being on the street would help him to realize he needed help but he just went and found another enablers. Oh well that's what they do. I am just torn about this.
I don't want to be the one that seals his fate as far as this is concerned. We have a son together and I have to think about all that too. I don't allow son to see him right now until he gets himself straight. He ia only allowed to call him and he dosen't do that much. He's the one missing out and son knows exactly who was htere for him and who was not. We've been married for 18 yrs. so I know ALOT of his secrets and don't really want to throw him under the bus. I'm angry at him for the things he's done but I'm not wanting revenge, I want him to get better and work on his issues but he's not done yet. It's sad but that the way it is. I guess we'll see what happens.
I don't want to be the one that seals his fate as far as this is concerned. We have a son together and I have to think about all that too. I don't allow son to see him right now until he gets himself straight. He ia only allowed to call him and he dosen't do that much. He's the one missing out and son knows exactly who was htere for him and who was not. We've been married for 18 yrs. so I know ALOT of his secrets and don't really want to throw him under the bus. I'm angry at him for the things he's done but I'm not wanting revenge, I want him to get better and work on his issues but he's not done yet. It's sad but that the way it is. I guess we'll see what happens.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
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I think that there is a big difference between taking care of oneself and thinking only of one's own ease and comfort. The fact that something is very unpleasant or very hard for me, does not necessarily mean that "taking care of myself" = "I shouldn't do it."
Very often taking care of myself means stretching myself so that I can do the hard and unpleasant things that are indeed part of my responsibility to myself and to others.
IMO, as members of a civilized society governed by the rule of law, we have certain responsibilities to that society and to the other members of it. One of those responsibilities includes being willing to support the rule of law and the criminal justice system that enforces it.
I mean, how would I feel if I myself or someone I loved was the victim of a crime (violent or otherwise) and the people who the police asked to help them solve that crime refused to do so, or lied to the police in order to protect the criminal, or whatever? And, even worse, what would happen to our society as a whole if the majority of people chose to ignore their responsibility to it in this way? Is that really the kind of society that I would want to live in? If it's not, then fulfilling my responsibility as a member of this society is part of taking care of myself.
Also, if I were to not give the police the help they were seeking, I would very possibly be enabling a criminal -- and if I enable criminals, I bear some responsibility for their future crimes, crimes the severity of which, like alcoholism/addiction itself, is likely to escalate. And that's really not a responsibility I want. Furthermore, assuming the criminal that I end up enabling is someone "close" to me, am I not also putting myself at risk of becoming one of that person's victims (assuming that I am not already one of his/her victims and that my desire arises out of fear for my own safety)?
Actually, the more I think about this, the clearer it becomes to me that there is only one choice here that could possibly qualify as healthy, good self-care.
freya
Very often taking care of myself means stretching myself so that I can do the hard and unpleasant things that are indeed part of my responsibility to myself and to others.
IMO, as members of a civilized society governed by the rule of law, we have certain responsibilities to that society and to the other members of it. One of those responsibilities includes being willing to support the rule of law and the criminal justice system that enforces it.
I mean, how would I feel if I myself or someone I loved was the victim of a crime (violent or otherwise) and the people who the police asked to help them solve that crime refused to do so, or lied to the police in order to protect the criminal, or whatever? And, even worse, what would happen to our society as a whole if the majority of people chose to ignore their responsibility to it in this way? Is that really the kind of society that I would want to live in? If it's not, then fulfilling my responsibility as a member of this society is part of taking care of myself.
Also, if I were to not give the police the help they were seeking, I would very possibly be enabling a criminal -- and if I enable criminals, I bear some responsibility for their future crimes, crimes the severity of which, like alcoholism/addiction itself, is likely to escalate. And that's really not a responsibility I want. Furthermore, assuming the criminal that I end up enabling is someone "close" to me, am I not also putting myself at risk of becoming one of that person's victims (assuming that I am not already one of his/her victims and that my desire arises out of fear for my own safety)?
Actually, the more I think about this, the clearer it becomes to me that there is only one choice here that could possibly qualify as healthy, good self-care.
freya
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That's the thing - I try to think about everything I do when it comes to him and to make sure I'm not enabling him anymore. I want to help them out in anyway I can but I don't want to be the one to finger him. If they know he has done a crome why do they want me to identify him. Just go arrest him and leave me out of it. The crap he's done will come to light soon I'm sure. Like I said I just don't want to be the smoking gun to their case. I also do not want to go to court to testify for anything except the divorce. I've dealt with him for 20 yrs. and I'm ready to be done. This is weighing soooo...... heavy on my mind today. I believe the law abiding thing to do would be to answer what they ask me but I don't want to be the one who identified him so he could be arrested. I'm gonna try not to think about it until the police calls and wants to meet.
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Agree with Freya. How would you feel if YOU were the one who'd had a crime committed against them? Or if someone had hurt your child, or your family? Would you appreciate someone helping to keep the criminal on the street out of pity for them?
I too want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and see a good, honest human being who has more than her own interests at heart. And being a part of a bigger community helps me in those dark times when I feel alone....I do right by them, they do right by me.
Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't mean doing the easy thing. I see nothing wrong with saying, "Yes, that's him in that picture." You don't have to tell them his whole life's story. You can stop there.
Good luck with this...it's hard, for sure
I too want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and see a good, honest human being who has more than her own interests at heart. And being a part of a bigger community helps me in those dark times when I feel alone....I do right by them, they do right by me.
Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't mean doing the easy thing. I see nothing wrong with saying, "Yes, that's him in that picture." You don't have to tell them his whole life's story. You can stop there.
Good luck with this...it's hard, for sure
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That's the thing I don't know if it's something major or just a hit and run (he hit a pole in a parking lot) like they said earlier. I would need to find out what they are looking at him for before I answer anything.
To thine own self be true.
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I think we have to really think about and weigh our decisions regarding our actions related to "our" addicts. Sure, you have a social responsibility to report certain things that are harming others, or if you witness something, you should report it. But I don't think identifying someone from a picture, when you didn't see the crime, is different than you eyewitnessing a crime.
Each of us has to do what allows us to keep our sanity and continue to provide for our families.
Each of us has to do what allows us to keep our sanity and continue to provide for our families.
Psalm 118:24
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I'd call and find out what this is pertaining to.
If, this is over criminal activity, I'm for justice being served. You no longer reside as husband and wife.
Actually, you might help him hit his bottom faster by helping the police if, this is crime related
If, this is over criminal activity, I'm for justice being served. You no longer reside as husband and wife.
Actually, you might help him hit his bottom faster by helping the police if, this is crime related
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Hi onlyliveonce!
The question arises as to why they asked YOU instead of his current partner. I hope they call her instead - however perhaps what he did involves the current partner and she is in no condition to identify him.
You are not the one to seal his fate. HE seals his fate with every action.
I agree with freya and GL. I know you want nothing to do with him anymore, so if you cooperate with police this time its possible he feels the consequences of his actions and you don't have to dread being called once again by the police and wondering what he is up to.
Peace suits women very well.
The question arises as to why they asked YOU instead of his current partner. I hope they call her instead - however perhaps what he did involves the current partner and she is in no condition to identify him.
You are not the one to seal his fate. HE seals his fate with every action.
I agree with freya and GL. I know you want nothing to do with him anymore, so if you cooperate with police this time its possible he feels the consequences of his actions and you don't have to dread being called once again by the police and wondering what he is up to.
Peace suits women very well.
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Ok so I'm back and I talked to the investigator. He was a major crimes investigator. His CW can't identify him cause she was with him doing it too. The investigator said she has an extensive record. So I looked at the pic and it was a pic of them checking out at a conv. store. and it was him. So the investigator said they had robbed a lady and taken her credit card and used it at the store. This lady had been feeding them since they were homeless. So he said my H flipped her kitchen table and asked her if she had ever been robbed.
I am sick to my stomach thinking about what he did. I don't even want my lunch anymore and I have Zaxby's!!
I guess it's time he paid the piper. I am just sad he didn't choose the other road like I did.
I am sick to my stomach thinking about what he did. I don't even want my lunch anymore and I have Zaxby's!!
I guess it's time he paid the piper. I am just sad he didn't choose the other road like I did.
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