Ex is an Alcoholic/ACOA. Complicated mess ensued. Please help
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
Ex is an Alcoholic/ACOA. Complicated mess ensued. Please help
Hi all.
I posted a very similar post in the Friends/Family of Alcoholics forum, but I’d really like some insight into some troubling behavior from my XABF.
So here goes. Just got out of a relationship with a man I suspect to be an alcoholic and marijuana addict. He’s also an ACOA – his father was an abusive alcoholic who left their family when he was in his late teens, so his influence was enough to have a significant impact on him. Even now I’m trying to rationalize and convince myself he isn’t, but even if he’s not a textbook alcoholic/addict, I just know I have a problem with his behavior, and he didn’t seem to care when I brought that fact up to him. But basically here’s a smattering of his behaviors, please feel free to chime in on whether or not this seems problematic:
Drinks alone, even after I have gone to sleep
Can’t seem to control himself – there’s no “stop” mechanism in his brain
Routinely passes out, in public, at friends houses and at home
Has one DUI but has driven drunk on several occasions
Blatantly copes with stress by drinking (I lied to him and his response was to buy a 24 pack and I was just expected to be ok with that because I had done wrong)
I asked him to cut back on smoking weed, he said he would, he finished a bag yet continued to smoke the resin in his bong every day
Has some kind of compulsion when it comes to substances – he’d get drunk and crave weed, he just had to smoke it and reverted to almost a childlike insistence on smoking
Frequently irritable, mood swings, emotionally distant
Father was an abusive alcoholic that left their family – brother and sister have issues with anxiety and depression
We were involved in a long distance relationship for 8 months and he suggested I move in with him, so I did. I knew that he was a drinker and smoked weed, but I of course made excuses for the red flags and rationalized in my head thinking he was just a “partier.” He also told me this behavior wouldn’t continue when I was up there – following one of his binge nights when he had promised to call but didn’t, I knew he was too drunk to remember and he was apologetic and remorseful when he said “This s**t isn’t going to happen when you’re up here.” He had also told me he wanted to cut back on smoking. Of course he was just telling me what I wanted to hear so I’d move in with him. The transition was hard, and I felt like I wasn’t getting enough emotional support and understanding from him. Basically the second night I was there we went to a friend’s house and I met all of his friends/coworkers for the first time. He got wasted and passed out and we were forced to sleep there, despite me asking him before hand to please not get so drunk that we’d have to stay there, leaving me feeling abandoned and feeling really unimportant. I was left to drag his dead-weight body off the couch upstairs, and one of his friends came over and laughed about it. “He just gets this way sometimes…he’s really heavy isn’t he!”
WHAT?? Seems to be enabling behavior to me. But of course at the time, I thought it was normal, he had friends and a great job and seemed to have things in order. But the drunken pass-outs continued, the slurring, the stumbling, the drinking entire bottles of vodka in addition to beers, the getting noticeably more drunk than everyone else during the week, the chronic weed smoking and then the chronic resin smoking, and his response to my “Maybe you should slow it down?” requests was to get pissed, say that he didn’t have a problem and was just trying to have fun with his friends.
His behavior was erratic and strange. At a party with his co-workers (including one with whom he’d had a NSA relationship right before me and in fact he was still sleeping with her when we met) he acted distant and didn’t seem to want to pay any attention to me. When I confronted him about it he skirted the issue and just said that he felt sorry for her as she had gotten pregnant by her ex (who she’d apparently left my XABF for…according to him.) But aside from that, he seemed generally unhappy with me and seemed much happier engaging with others, a people-pleaser if you will. I’m not sure if I was the crazy one or if there were deeper issues there, but I felt worthless in his life. I began to question my place in his life and wondered if he was talking to someone else, wondered if there were things he hadn’t told me about this girl or any of his other relationships, since I slowly began to distrust him and lose respect for him. So I looked through his emails and lied to him about it, but eventually told him the truth. The dynamics of our relationship changed after that. He seemed unhappy unless he was drinking/smoking/partying/hanging out with people that weren’t me, and our sex life, which wasn’t that great to begin with (he had some erectile issues) began to dwindle as I no longer wanted to sleep with a drunk. Of course he blamed that on our “chemistry being off.” But after a day of fighting and one night with me feeling particularly attacked by him, we got back to the house and in a fit of rage I threw some remotes at the wall and ended up breaking his tv. I now realize that was an attempt to get his attention, in a very dramatic and extreme way. But that was it. He wanted me to leave. Despite me moving all the way for him, he essentially kicked me out of his house despite my apologies and explanations.
So here’s where I think the ACOA side of him really kicks in. Before I left it was a constant mind game. He’d say things like “I need you” and then “I need you to be different.” Suddenly I became the selfish one, the immature one, the angry one, the one with a problem. I left thinking he was going to work on things, that maybe he just couldn’t be around me. He said he loved me and wanted to forgive me and get over what had happened. And a week after I had gotten home he called me up saying all these things. Turns out he was drunk. We continued to do the long-distance thing but two days before he was going to be out of the country for work, he calls me up saying that things have been hard with us apart, and that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship since he doesn’t think he can trust me to be faithful because he has trust issues with me now. So after being strung along, going back and forth with the mind games, after the promises of wanting to work through things and forgive, he dumps me.
I just feel like a fool, for believing his promises, for believing that he really wanted to change his behavior, for believing that I might be important enough for him to cut back, for believing that I was any more permanent than any of the other women that have “let him down.” I should have known from the get-go when he said he was “looking for perfection” that trouble was down the road, and I would end up disappointing him just as everyone else had.
If you’ve read this far, thanks for sticking with it. I know I screwed up too in our relationship, but I’m confused as his inability to see things other than black and white and inability to forgive and take some responsibility for the demise of the relationship. I’d appreciate any input that might attempt an explanation at his behavior. For the longest time I was the one for him, our relationship was great (even though I did overlook some troubling behavior – continuing to drink through the night when he came to visit me for the first time after I had fallen asleep, almost passing out in a bar and me having to drag his stumbling body out, “trolling” for weed from strangers, etc.). In my mind there are two sides to him: there’s the ACOA side that grew up in a horrible situation with an abusive alcoholic father, so I can be understanding of how he reacts to things the way he does. But then there’s the side of him that’s actively engaging in these dangerous behaviors despite his history and addictive tendencies, the side that didn’t really care that I had a problem with things, the side that said “Well, that’s just what my dad gave me” when I told him how his drinking was scaring me.
I don’t even know why I’m asking these questions or still obsessing. He’s broken up with me and made it very clear that he thinks everything is my fault and that he really doesn’t want to speak with me. Why can’t I let go? Why am I holding on to this unhealthy relationship? Did I overreact to his behaviors, or is he really an alcoholic/addict? Am I a horrible person for doing those things to him? Do I deserve forgiveness? If you really love someone, don’t you want to forgive and work things out, and is his inability to do so characteristic of ACOAs? Is there any help for him?
I posted a very similar post in the Friends/Family of Alcoholics forum, but I’d really like some insight into some troubling behavior from my XABF.
So here goes. Just got out of a relationship with a man I suspect to be an alcoholic and marijuana addict. He’s also an ACOA – his father was an abusive alcoholic who left their family when he was in his late teens, so his influence was enough to have a significant impact on him. Even now I’m trying to rationalize and convince myself he isn’t, but even if he’s not a textbook alcoholic/addict, I just know I have a problem with his behavior, and he didn’t seem to care when I brought that fact up to him. But basically here’s a smattering of his behaviors, please feel free to chime in on whether or not this seems problematic:
Drinks alone, even after I have gone to sleep
Can’t seem to control himself – there’s no “stop” mechanism in his brain
Routinely passes out, in public, at friends houses and at home
Has one DUI but has driven drunk on several occasions
Blatantly copes with stress by drinking (I lied to him and his response was to buy a 24 pack and I was just expected to be ok with that because I had done wrong)
I asked him to cut back on smoking weed, he said he would, he finished a bag yet continued to smoke the resin in his bong every day
Has some kind of compulsion when it comes to substances – he’d get drunk and crave weed, he just had to smoke it and reverted to almost a childlike insistence on smoking
Frequently irritable, mood swings, emotionally distant
Father was an abusive alcoholic that left their family – brother and sister have issues with anxiety and depression
We were involved in a long distance relationship for 8 months and he suggested I move in with him, so I did. I knew that he was a drinker and smoked weed, but I of course made excuses for the red flags and rationalized in my head thinking he was just a “partier.” He also told me this behavior wouldn’t continue when I was up there – following one of his binge nights when he had promised to call but didn’t, I knew he was too drunk to remember and he was apologetic and remorseful when he said “This s**t isn’t going to happen when you’re up here.” He had also told me he wanted to cut back on smoking. Of course he was just telling me what I wanted to hear so I’d move in with him. The transition was hard, and I felt like I wasn’t getting enough emotional support and understanding from him. Basically the second night I was there we went to a friend’s house and I met all of his friends/coworkers for the first time. He got wasted and passed out and we were forced to sleep there, despite me asking him before hand to please not get so drunk that we’d have to stay there, leaving me feeling abandoned and feeling really unimportant. I was left to drag his dead-weight body off the couch upstairs, and one of his friends came over and laughed about it. “He just gets this way sometimes…he’s really heavy isn’t he!”
WHAT?? Seems to be enabling behavior to me. But of course at the time, I thought it was normal, he had friends and a great job and seemed to have things in order. But the drunken pass-outs continued, the slurring, the stumbling, the drinking entire bottles of vodka in addition to beers, the getting noticeably more drunk than everyone else during the week, the chronic weed smoking and then the chronic resin smoking, and his response to my “Maybe you should slow it down?” requests was to get pissed, say that he didn’t have a problem and was just trying to have fun with his friends.
His behavior was erratic and strange. At a party with his co-workers (including one with whom he’d had a NSA relationship right before me and in fact he was still sleeping with her when we met) he acted distant and didn’t seem to want to pay any attention to me. When I confronted him about it he skirted the issue and just said that he felt sorry for her as she had gotten pregnant by her ex (who she’d apparently left my XABF for…according to him.) But aside from that, he seemed generally unhappy with me and seemed much happier engaging with others, a people-pleaser if you will. I’m not sure if I was the crazy one or if there were deeper issues there, but I felt worthless in his life. I began to question my place in his life and wondered if he was talking to someone else, wondered if there were things he hadn’t told me about this girl or any of his other relationships, since I slowly began to distrust him and lose respect for him. So I looked through his emails and lied to him about it, but eventually told him the truth. The dynamics of our relationship changed after that. He seemed unhappy unless he was drinking/smoking/partying/hanging out with people that weren’t me, and our sex life, which wasn’t that great to begin with (he had some erectile issues) began to dwindle as I no longer wanted to sleep with a drunk. Of course he blamed that on our “chemistry being off.” But after a day of fighting and one night with me feeling particularly attacked by him, we got back to the house and in a fit of rage I threw some remotes at the wall and ended up breaking his tv. I now realize that was an attempt to get his attention, in a very dramatic and extreme way. But that was it. He wanted me to leave. Despite me moving all the way for him, he essentially kicked me out of his house despite my apologies and explanations.
So here’s where I think the ACOA side of him really kicks in. Before I left it was a constant mind game. He’d say things like “I need you” and then “I need you to be different.” Suddenly I became the selfish one, the immature one, the angry one, the one with a problem. I left thinking he was going to work on things, that maybe he just couldn’t be around me. He said he loved me and wanted to forgive me and get over what had happened. And a week after I had gotten home he called me up saying all these things. Turns out he was drunk. We continued to do the long-distance thing but two days before he was going to be out of the country for work, he calls me up saying that things have been hard with us apart, and that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship since he doesn’t think he can trust me to be faithful because he has trust issues with me now. So after being strung along, going back and forth with the mind games, after the promises of wanting to work through things and forgive, he dumps me.
I just feel like a fool, for believing his promises, for believing that he really wanted to change his behavior, for believing that I might be important enough for him to cut back, for believing that I was any more permanent than any of the other women that have “let him down.” I should have known from the get-go when he said he was “looking for perfection” that trouble was down the road, and I would end up disappointing him just as everyone else had.
If you’ve read this far, thanks for sticking with it. I know I screwed up too in our relationship, but I’m confused as his inability to see things other than black and white and inability to forgive and take some responsibility for the demise of the relationship. I’d appreciate any input that might attempt an explanation at his behavior. For the longest time I was the one for him, our relationship was great (even though I did overlook some troubling behavior – continuing to drink through the night when he came to visit me for the first time after I had fallen asleep, almost passing out in a bar and me having to drag his stumbling body out, “trolling” for weed from strangers, etc.). In my mind there are two sides to him: there’s the ACOA side that grew up in a horrible situation with an abusive alcoholic father, so I can be understanding of how he reacts to things the way he does. But then there’s the side of him that’s actively engaging in these dangerous behaviors despite his history and addictive tendencies, the side that didn’t really care that I had a problem with things, the side that said “Well, that’s just what my dad gave me” when I told him how his drinking was scaring me.
I don’t even know why I’m asking these questions or still obsessing. He’s broken up with me and made it very clear that he thinks everything is my fault and that he really doesn’t want to speak with me. Why can’t I let go? Why am I holding on to this unhealthy relationship? Did I overreact to his behaviors, or is he really an alcoholic/addict? Am I a horrible person for doing those things to him? Do I deserve forgiveness? If you really love someone, don’t you want to forgive and work things out, and is his inability to do so characteristic of ACOAs? Is there any help for him?
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
Queen,
Treat yourself like a queen a get away from this potentially dangerous and heartbreaking relationship! Honestly, he does fit the alcoholic script, but that is besides the point. There are so many amazing men out there who aren't alcoholic/addicts. An active alcoholic/addict will make a miserable boyfriend, trust & believe that.
Hugs & support,
Rachel
Treat yourself like a queen a get away from this potentially dangerous and heartbreaking relationship! Honestly, he does fit the alcoholic script, but that is besides the point. There are so many amazing men out there who aren't alcoholic/addicts. An active alcoholic/addict will make a miserable boyfriend, trust & believe that.
Hugs & support,
Rachel
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
thanks for the replies. right now i'm just stuck on obsessing/rationalizing/trying to figure out what went wrong. I’ve acknowledged my contribution to the demise of our relationship. I did some things to hurt him. But he is so blinded by his anger and black and white frame of mind that he is unable to acknowledge how HIS behaviors might have contributed too. I feel slighted and deceived, and confused as to how he could have been the one to give up on the relationship. I love him so much and I wanted to put myself in the best situation to pursue a relationship with him, because I thought he was worth it and I thought it would work out. So I moved to be with him. But it’s as if none of that matters to him, he only sees how I was wrong, how I’m at fault, and how he’s hurt. We seemed to have so much and yet he just easily threw it away. Part of me really hurts for him and tries to be understanding because he grew up in an abusive, dysfunctional environment with an alcoholic father. In reading more and more about ACOAs, I’m beginning to understand how they relate to people and sometimes may overreact to situations. They deal with trust issues, and I know my lying to him really hurt him and probably tore open those wounds, but he knows I love him and I’m so sorry and I didn’t hurt him intentionally.
he’s returning to the country very soon. I’m afraid he’s going to call me and I’m going to be sucked back into everything. The scary thing is, part of me really wants that to happen. I just want him to love me again.
he’s returning to the country very soon. I’m afraid he’s going to call me and I’m going to be sucked back into everything. The scary thing is, part of me really wants that to happen. I just want him to love me again.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Originally Posted by queenie88 
I just want him to love me again.
It sounds like you're looking for something, and you've convinced yourself that you found here - in an addict. What are you looking for? And is there a better way to find it?
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