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Crap. Never knew I could get here

Old 08-06-2009, 01:47 PM
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Crap. Never knew I could get here

I'm new.

I wish I weren't knew. I wish I didn't even KNOW about this place. I'm astounded I'm even here.

That's just truth.

But here I am, and that means I know I have a problem. And I have no idea what to do.

I've been through lots in my life, and I've always been able to overcome. Always. Somehow, in my 40s, I'm not so good at it anymore. If one of my kids ever came to me and said, "Mom, I'm having a problem with x, y, z," the very LAST thing I'd do is be critical of them for it. Somehow I'm not able to extend that same empathy to myself.

Just to give a rough outline... mom divorced married and got divorced three times before I was 14. I was sexually molested... once by a step-father, for a long time by my brother. Never ran away, never got into drugs. He finally quit when one day I snapped... threw him against a wall... LIFTED him off the floor in a choke hold and told him if he ever touched me again i would kill him. I meant it.

Was the first to graduate from college. Binge drinked in college. My senior year, my mother was in a car accident and spent four months in a chemically induced coma. Graduated. Got married. Had two beautiful sons.

xH was 18 years older than myself. For the 15 years I was married, I spent 12 years in and out of counseling with the most brilliant shrink one person could hope to find. He helped me greatly with my sexual issues.

I've been in five car accidents in my life. None of them my fault. Honest. Two of them were very serious. One when I was 20. The second, when I was 38. As i recovered from my second, my divorce hit. I was just starting my own business at the time, as well.

Can anyone say drama?

Not minimizing it, by any means... but through all that crap... I was okay.

One day, during the beginning stages of my D, I had a drink on my back deck. That started it.

As a survivor (of many things), as is my custom, I remain incredibly 'calm' during the worst stages of stress. But now, late into my 30s, I pretty much had just about all one person could take.

My anxiety levels shot through the roof. Stress. Jesus. My mind ran non-stop and I could barely sleep. I just wanted it all to shut off so I could flippin' sleep soundly. Just for ONE night.

And drinking... helped a bit at first. I went to see my shrink, I went to see my doc. Doc put me on a low dose of Zoloft. 8 months into it, i decided to wean myself off. Hated it. Thought I could 'deal.' My dad then had a heart attack and I brought him home with me for a few weeks. He's a Hobo, by the way. Stellar human being.

So, day-to-day life stuff just keeps happening, and I never felt like I had any time to just catch up and breathe. No excuse. Just the way I felt.

Anxiety attacks returned.

Anyway... this up and down stuff continued to happen for quite some time. Drinking in 'binge' mode knocked me out. I don't drink everyday. Not even every week. But when i do drink... whew.

Finally said enough is enough. Took myself away from everything in my life for a month... went and plopped my butt in Sedona, AZ to get my crap together. Learned how to meditate at much deeper levels. Got into Qigong. Came home. Humming right along. Thought I had turned the bus around.

And then two days ago... for no reason that I can possibly fathom... I got drunk again.

Okay. I slipped. Back on the wagon. No beating me up over it.

Now, today, I want a drink so bad I can't stand it. No booze in the house, but I know as well as anyone I can go and buy it and convince myself I can stop at one (which I know I can't), and so.... here I am.

I have a problem. I'm pretty sure of it.

Any strategies to deal with cravings that I know eventually can turn into an obsession would be greatly appreciated.

Corri
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Old 08-06-2009, 02:17 PM
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Stick around, you're in the right place. Jump into chat, if you need immediate chatter to fill the void.

I love Sedona btw, great locale choice to regroup!!
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Old 08-06-2009, 02:24 PM
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Welcome to SR, and hello from Scottsdale! I'm a little jealous, Sedona is a very cool place.

Cravings pass, so my suggestion is to do everything possible to abstain until you decide upon a plan for your recovery. And that I've found is a necessity, whether it's AA or another program or group, it helps to have the support.

I never thought I'd be in recovery either, but then again I never thought I'd wake up one day and say "gee, my life is so great I think I'll top it off with an AA meeting". I can certainly think of worse places to be!
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Old 08-06-2009, 02:28 PM
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Hello, Corri. Welcome to SR.

If I get a bad craving I go out for a really fast walk or read/post at SR. Whatever I can do to get rid of the anxiety and stay sober.
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Old 08-06-2009, 02:30 PM
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Welcome & great first share :day6 I find that the more people are able to post about what has happened to them & the effects it has had on their life tend to be more sucessfull in their recovery.

Keep sharing & I look forward to reading about your path to recovery ;-)


Oh & most of us didnt expect to be here either but you have found a great landing spot.


Take Care,

NB
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Old 08-06-2009, 03:02 PM
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Hi Corri

Welcome to SR.

I don't think anyone expected to be here LOL but I'm so glad I am - this place turned my life around

For me, dealing with cravings was a matter of keeping busy - no matter what, so long as it was healthy, engaged my interest, and got me out of my own head...it was good

Hope to see you around some more
D
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Old 08-06-2009, 03:17 PM
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Thank you, Corri, for sharing all that pain with us and being so open about the road you've travelled. I am sorry for all you've had to endure. Your sense of humor shines through, and that's amazing. I hope you never lose that.

I never intended to be here either, and sure never expected to post anything. 2 yrs. later SR is a daily necessity for me. I've "met" people I would deeply miss if I were to never read their posts again. I never dreamed there were so many MEs out there. When I realized I was no longer alone is when I began to get well. I am so glad you found us, and I hope you'll stay and enjoy the friendship and help to be found here.
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Old 08-06-2009, 03:44 PM
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I'd suggest some companionship with the folks in AA, they can relate.

You're not alone.
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Old 08-06-2009, 03:51 PM
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Welcome to the family, Corri. I'm glad you found SR, its a great place to be. The support and advice and collective experience is limitless and inspiring. Between the folks who have years of recovery experience and the newcomers, there is always something to get you thinking and a lot of the time, for me, its "i'm really not alone in this, thats good."
I hope you stick around.

I struggle with urges and cravings pretty often still, but like Dee said keeping busy and getting out of my head seems to help. I spend a lot of time reading here and on other subjects that interest me. I take a lot of walks or just sit out in the yard enjoying nature.
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Old 08-06-2009, 03:58 PM
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Welcome Corri,

I don't think any of us planned to be here, but here we are.

Recovering from an addiction can be very difficult, but also can be a very positive experience in your life. I hope you keep reading and posting.
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Old 08-06-2009, 04:42 PM
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Hi Corri,
Welcome to Soberrecovery. I am glad that you are here and reaching out for help. Although I am an alcoholic (in recovery for almost 2 years), I never had the craving for alcohol. Once I consumed any alcohol at all, I didn't stop until I either blacked-out or passed out. Every single time. I have been told that eating something sweet like ice cream or chocolate may reduce the physical craving. Some have suggested keeping busy so you don't dwell on not drinking. I'm sure many others will have more suggestions. Just remember that the cravings do pass eventually and don't take that first drink.
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Old 08-06-2009, 04:57 PM
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Hello and welcome to the Sober Recovery community.
i hope that you attend alot of A.A. meetings and find
those there who will offer their love and support daily.

Becoming part of a fellowship of recovering alcoholics is
taking an active part in something greater than myself.
"i can't, we can", has been the motto that helps me to
stay sober and clean. Also directs me to help another!

A book you might find very insightful is called, 'Living Sober'.
Just ask anyone at a meeting if they can provide it to you.
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Old 08-06-2009, 05:50 PM
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Welcome to SR, Corri...we're glad you're with us.
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Old 08-07-2009, 06:09 AM
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Originally Posted by yukonm View Post
Hi Corri,
Welcome to Soberrecovery. I am glad that you are here and reaching out for help. Although I am an alcoholic (in recovery for almost 2 years), I never had the craving for alcohol. Once I consumed any alcohol at all, I didn't stop until I either blacked-out or passed out. Every single time. I have been told that eating something sweet like ice cream or chocolate may reduce the physical craving. Some have suggested keeping busy so you don't dwell on not drinking. I'm sure many others will have more suggestions. Just remember that the cravings do pass eventually and don't take that first drink.
Thank you everyone for the welcomes and the support! Wow!! Does that ever mean a lot to me!!

I'm replying to you, specifically, yukon, because something you said really stood out to me.... you've never had a craving for alcohol. And it was like a lightning bolt struck me. I've never craved alcohol either.

I'm not one to down anything I can get my hands on. I have two bottles of Sherry I keep on my counter for cooking. I love it in meals... I cannot STAND the taste of it to sip. And I thought to myself... OMG... I DO have booze in the house... but I won't touch that stuff.

I also have a bottle of Old Dan Tucker in my pantry. It's been sitting there for almost two years... my mother was up once long ago and needed it for some recipe she made. I hate, loathe and despise whiskey. Had a really bad experience with it once when I was in college, and to this day, I cannot smell whiskey without my stomach doing a flip. Can't do Dan, Jack, or Johnny. LOL.

Beer and wine are my downfalls. Most especially red wine. I really like the taste of both. So I wondered... do I miss alcohol, or the taste of something I really enjoy? Now, don't get me wrong... if I have either, I can abuse the heck out of them... especially when I am by myself. So I am making no excuses here whatsoever.

Then you made mention of eating sugar when a craving hit, and it was like God reached down and smacked me on the back of my little head. I got online and read for hours.

I have become a sugar addict, and one addiction is feeding another... beer and wine are nearly pure sugar, at least as far as the body is concerned. Over consumption of either is the alcoholic equivalent to a bulimic in a manic stage, gulping, as quickly as possible, twinkies, ding dongs, ice cream... without the purge stage (purge stage, for an alcoholic, is either passing out or vomiting).

The underlying causes of addiction, no matter the specific addiction, are the same. But the best way to attack a sugar addiction, in terms of dealing with it, include a major shift in diet. Reducing the 'sugar-high/sugar-crash' syndrome is paramount. By no means easy... evening out and keeping blood sugar as level as one can is what eventually returns sanity to the body. In some sense, the actual physical addiction to sugar is about the worst I can fathom because it is so prevalent in all our foods, is so readily accessible, it's cheap, it's legal, and knowledge of it is not mainstream. It's just considered a glossed sales pitch to plug yet another 'guru diet' for that multi-million dollar industry.

Make no mistake, the emotional/mental part of the addiction is still present, and effectively dealing with that requires the same strategies as alcoholism.

But long way of saying... God bless you for bringing up the sweets. While I do not believe that altering my diet to deal with the sugar addiction will CURE the addiction or the binge drinking problem... I am entirely certain that if I do not deal with both at the same time, I will continue to fall off the wagon on both counts.

As far as last night went... I made it through. I was a complete and utter beotch and thank God no one was at home to experience me... but I made it. What helped me the most was when I made the link to both physical dependencies, and I completely and utterly distracted myself with all that research and reading.

So today I have started altering my diet. Let me stress that I am not on a diet to lose weight. What I eat, when I eat, how much I eat... is all about keeping blood sugars level. NOT eating, or skipping meals, is the worst thing one can do in treating this particular dependency.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks again.

Corri
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Old 08-07-2009, 06:18 AM
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Corri,

I had an 'ah-ha' moment here, some years ago, when I recognized the connection between low blood-sugar and alcoholism. I had craved sugar all my life. Since I never had a weight problem, I didn't really give it much thought. I was in my mid-forties when I began to drink, and it was only after I began recovery that I recognized the sugar issue put me in great jeopardy of becoming an alcoholic.

I also have made the shift in my diet and I now eat frequent small meals. I never go anywhere without some kind of food with me.
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Old 08-07-2009, 06:38 AM
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Originally Posted by 51anna View Post
Corri,

I had an 'ah-ha' moment here, some years ago, when I recognized the connection between low blood-sugar and alcoholism. I had craved sugar all my life. Since I never had a weight problem, I didn't really give it much thought. I was in my mid-forties when I began to drink, and it was only after I began recovery that I recognized the sugar issue put me in great jeopardy of becoming an alcoholic.

I also have made the shift in my diet and I now eat frequent small meals. I never go anywhere without some kind of food with me.
OMG. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Thank you for posting that...
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Old 08-07-2009, 06:50 AM
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((Corri))
Thanks for your opening share, the first one to start this thread.
I cried and then I laughed. I love total honestly. The heart knows!
You already have received some really, really great advice, so I can only offer my love and support at this time.
This is a great place to be. SR for me has become an addiction, I try to visit each day, I need to hear what is happening, I need to hear the sorrow and the laughter.
Music, along with prayer is working today for me.
Keep sharing.
Sedona, is a healing place, was just there last month with my wonderful, supportive, beautiful, 24 year old son. We had a magical day.
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Old 08-07-2009, 06:57 AM
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You know I never dreamed I would wind up here or in AA & I sure never dreamed I would be helping other alcoholics get and stay sober while they help me stay sober as well.

In regards to cravings you have gotten some excellent advice, most AA meetings keep some sort of hard candy around to help newcomers deal with cravings, booze is an easy to digest sugar that our bodies crave.
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Old 08-08-2009, 08:28 AM
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As a moment of feeling good about myself: I fought the urge to buy a bottle of wine on my way home from the movies last night. (I saw The Ugly Truth, which was HILARIOUS, btw. A must see it).

What I found interesting was the internal dialogue that happened as I battled through it all:

ME1: I just want one glass. I'll buy a bottle, pour a glass, and then pour out the bottle.

ME2: You know you won't do that. So, if you just want ONE glass, stop at a bar/restaurant, have a glass of wine and go home.

ME1: I don't really want to do that.

ME2: So... you can have a glass of wine at home by yourself, but not have a glass of wine by yourself in a public place? (Both Me1 and Me2 are still stunned by that thought)

ME1: I just don't feel like stopping.

ME2: Do you really want a glass of wine?

ME1: It seems like I do...

ME2: Just think how good you will feel about yourself tomorrow if you DON'T have a glass of wine. Think how you will feel about yourself if you do cave in and have one. Even if it is just one. Which way would you rather feel?

Now mind you, this little internal argument got me all the way home. I was royally irritated, too. I stood in my kitchen and said to God, over and over again, "thank you, thank you, thank you for the strength in this moment to get over myself and just go to bed."

Not that I really wanted to go to bed at 10 p.m. on a Friday, but I was getting sleepy, and I did fall asleep around 11 during a show I really did get interested in, which was a great distraction.

This morning was the first morning in a while that I woke up in a bad mood. Then I realized I fell asleep before I had done my evening meditation. So I am now off to meditate, work out, and then clean my house.

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Old 08-08-2009, 06:41 PM
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This board is very interesting.

I calll **** on all of you.
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