Valentines

I was doing very well not drinking. I had my urges, but they were minimal.
Due to my nature of work, I have a lot of free time. I work once or twice a week. I wish I would work more, so I don't get depressed about lack of money and being bored. If I feel both, I drink.
Today, didn't work, woke up early, feeling good. I made a routine in the morning - making a list of what I should accomplish during today to avoid boredom and drinking. One of the things being going to the thrift store to buy items I can sell to make some money.
This was my mistake. The past 8 days, besides working a couple days, I have stayed home. Working on projects like sanding and re-staining furniture, cleaning and re-decorating, etc. I should have stayed home.
I like finding neat stuff at the thrift stores, but recently it is mentally difficult for me to go there. I was so frustrated with everyone inside. People with carts in every isle, blocking my way while I hunt. Having to say excuse me fifty times. As I am hunting for items, I get so irritated by these people, and cuss at them inside my head. "Get the f*** out of my way you f***ing $$^$%^$"! I visited 3 thrift stores, but It did not get any better. I already decided that I was going to drink today. Then, I did.
It would not matter where I went, thrift store or grocery store, train. I would still get frustrated.
So, my question is:
Is it normal for an alcoholic to be irritated by a large mass of people? or do I just have another issue to take care of? If it is normal for us, what do you do about it? Don't go out anywhere till you are sober or a while?
I feel that drinking has made me want to hide from everyone, and I was trying to be happy, love everyone, and accept everyone for who they are, but I didn't make it today.

If I just stayed home, I wouldn't feel disgusted and would have made it through day nine.

Seeing a 16 year old with three kids, spanking one..

Crazy woman talking aloud to no one while eating chips...

Homeless man putting on new pants from the thrift store and retrieving his hidden bag 'o' beer...

Driver talking on his cell phone right beside me, almost slamming into my car. I honk, he honks 10x back...

Should I just stay inside? Or, move to the country?
Or, should I try again and wait it out, see if I get better if I am sober for a while?

Corri

I'm new here myself, so please take this for what it is worth.

I also work at home. Some days I think... wow. What a great place to be. I can be peaceful. Other days, I crawl the walls to get out.... yet when I DO go out... same things you describe. I want to drink, too.

What if, though... when you run into these people... who spur all kinds of thoughts in your head... you looked at them as squirrels running around in your back yard? Do you ever pay attention to squirrels? Other than to think... oh how cute... or, 'wow, one squirrel is giving it good to another...'

I've gotten rather good at the non-judgment thing and just allowing all of life to filter through... I THINK... yet I **still** want to drink. So I'm either kidding myself, or something else is going on.

I'm going with the second answer. I don't think my impulse to drink has ANYTHING to do with what other people may or may not do in a day.

What that is, I'm not sure yet. I don't even know that I need to know. I could just be dumb stupid habit. All I have to do, now, is wonder about the craving, and putting something more constructive in place to deal with it. Maybe. I don't know. That is why I am here.

I guess I'd say to you... I understand what you are saying. But NO ONE can make you feel anything without your permission. So let the people at the Thrift Stores off the hook.

I think this whole 'craving a drink' thing goes a little bit deeper than that.

I don't know what it is. If I get a clue, I'll drop by and give you my take. Please do the same for me, if you find it, too.

Thanks,

Corri

wanttolive

I have my good days where I can be around people and days I just want to hide out in the house. I am only on day 15 so not to far from day 8. I just got a new job which will only be a couple days a week so I need to get over this a little bit. I think the crowd thing and being around others causes anxiety and it seems a drink or ten would help. But I am trying to stay stong although I too have my moments. If you aren't ready for being around frustrating people than don't be. They are not worth causing to to choose a drink.

If you find the secret as Corri said let me know too!

Dee74

The early days are rough - if you're like me, you drank as a complement to everything - not having that there can really pi** you off.

Everything annoyed me.

Which sent me right back to the one thing I hoped might make me feel less annoyed...

Its a vicious circle - but being aware of it is the first step to breaking it.

There really are better ways to deal with things - maybe it's a matter of adjusting your perception, or being aware of it, like Corri suggested, or maybe you have to find healthier ways to relieve stress like I did (I'm still looking really - I still get stressed but at least I don't drink over it)

Being at home used to be another trigger too, but I'm pretty much housebound a lot of days, so I had to get over that. I made sure I never 'made up my mind' to drink...I made sure I reminded myself I had other options.

It takes work not to make the same old choices - I know it's not easy, and I hope I don't make it sound like it is - but you have to keep your eyes on the prize.

I know you'll be glad you did
D

tommyk

I'd suggest cohorting with some AA folks who have the same kinds of issues.

Keep coming back?

Anna

Yeah, I think it's normal in early sobriety to find that daily life can be annoying.

But, in my opinion, staying home by yourself, is not the answer. And, I think that making a list of things to do for the day is a great idea.

bdiddy5522

I agree. Everything can be annoying in the early days. I am just finishing up day 5, and for me the annoying things are my wife and daughter. Not like to the extreme, but just the little things are kind of getting to me right now. I took my family out to dinner tonight and we just talked. Well, my wife and I talked and our daughter threw food on the ground (only 11 months old) haha. But it was nice. I think the key to going out is to just stay calm and keep telling yourself "no matter what happens, I won't drink today."

I hope you keep coming back!

vegibean

You are not alone! I was the same way too. I thought I was going to shoot some people, as well wondered to myself "how the hell am I going to function without the alcohol and have to deal with 'people' like this on a day to day basis?"

It is better today, took a lot of patience and well, more patience but it got better, I haven't picked up a drink in almost two years and the bonus of it all? I have NOT killed anyone in the process. Freakin' amazing!!!!!!

MrOsaka

"Or, should I try again and wait it out, see if I get better if I am sober for a while?"

Valentines...The only thing you can do is try again.

I'm only on day 12 now, so I am no expert on this. I found that in the past I wasn't actually annoyed with the other people. I was downright angry that I couldn't drink and other people could. That anger turned into resentment and resentment...well...that ain't good. So I would relapse.

However, to stem the guilt while I was drinking and also hold myself accountable, I put up a big calendar on my wall and would write a big "D" on the days that I drank (even one sip) and a big "X" on the days that I didn't. When I had a bad week or bad month it was right there for me to see. Now I have a lot of "X"s and it feels good looking at them. I want to put more and more big X marks on that Calendar.

I have been battling this for about 10 years now (the first 10 were actually fun), so when I slipped it also allowed me to see the triggers, e.g. like the week my mother died. Hopefully I will be prepared for those triggers in the future.

Either way...at least try to get more X marks than D marks as you struggle with this. You can't hide from the world. So don't give up. Don't ever give up. When you get enough sober days you will see that you actually like the sober days better.

1_day@_a_time

Doctors years ago studied alcoholics trying to find common personality traits & discovered most of us were childish, emotionally sensitive & grandiose.

We tend to have poor coping skills and stopped growing emotionally when we started drinking & using.

We don't know how to have relationships with others, have dissatisfied minds, are easily frustrated and impatient.

We have 64,000 thoughts a day, and for alcoholics they are mostly negative.

When we put the plug in the jug, we are the same person as we were when drinking, w/o the alcohol.

Contrary to what you may have heard or think the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is all about, it does provide us with the tools to handle all these issues, challenges and much more.

Firehazard

Yes, It was very normal to get resentful and irritated and anyone and

everybody. Especially after the drink was removed. Going to meetings of AA

trained my to quit that and then I completed a fourth step. It is much better

now and actually I am watching people get mad at me for no reason. Ha Ha Poor folks

There is hope for that type of insanity.

tallcactus

"We tend to have poor coping skills and stopped growing emotionally when we started drinking & using."

You know what: let's see; I turned 52 years old August 4th and have heard the same thing in recovery about 6 years ago, give or take, so I guess I'm emotionally 14 years old, since that was when I had my 1st sip of beer. Began to drink (binge) probably at 19-47 off and on, with years or two where I never touched a drop. So how old am I emotionally? 14, 19, substract the 1 or 2 years; compute this for me someone?

NewBeginning010

Valentines, I truly hope you find the right answer for you. I am really working on the forgiveness thing right now, a work in progress though.. its tough.

One thing happened good today & that is the gift of laughter. I have been having a lot of "coincidences" lately that somehow seem meant to be. Today's was that I was feeling crappy & down and someone on this forum PM'd me today about something they thought was funny that I posted (I did too after reading it again) and since then I have been seeing the funny side of things. What a gift (thanks you know who ;-)

Here are some parts of some of the posts I found funny, please don't take offense if a part of your post is listed. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the ability to laugh. I have been in a pretty rough spot for the last few days and needed to laugh after all of the tears.

Ok... here they are:

"Crazy woman talking aloud to no one while eating chips..."

"Do you ever pay attention to squirrels? Other than to think... oh how cute... or, 'wow, one squirrel is giving it good to another...'"

"Everything annoyed me."

"Well, my wife and I talked and our daughter threw food on the ground (only 11 months old) haha. But it was nice."

"I have NOT killed anyone in the process. Freakin' amazing!!!!!!"

"It is much better now and actually I am watching people get mad at me for no reason. Ha Ha Poor folks. There is hope for that type of insanity."

"Began to drink (binge) probably at 19-47 off and on, with years or two where I never touched a drop. So how old am I emotionally? 14, 19, substract the 1 or 2 years; compute this for me someone?"

There is my answer for today, the gift of seeing the funny side of things. I hope some of you have had a smile or laugh at my repost & that nobody takes any offense in any way.

Thanks for reading & take care,

NB

P.S. We truly are a funny lot aren't we?... but in a good way ;-)

eddie73

Yes this is a huge challenge Valentines. I play music and do a lot of gigs where there are drunk people around. I dont take too kindly to boozed up small talk any more, in fact I would be either borderline aggressive or totally avasive. I dont have a middle ground any more as my patience and willingness to fake being nice has utterly vanished. Needless to say I avoid the scenarios where I have to meet these folk,, who, by the way, mostly wouldnt even remember you the next day.

Sorry Im going off topic. Yes it is normal to be irritated, especially in the first 6 weeks.

Skeeter2

Valentines, I wonder if I might have been in the second-hand store! (lol) People will always be there with all their foibles ... and sometimes we love 'em and some time we hate 'em. "It is neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so." -- Shakespeare. I guess if you identify you are feeling cranky you should stay away until your cooler head prevails.

As for deciding that you would drink, then did. I so know that feeling -- that little voice that says, "Yah, let's drink tonight." And then it seems like a done deal. In recent weeks that voice in my head has been joined by another voice that says, "No, I'm DONE with that. End of story!" I don't know where the second voice came from, but I LIKE it! When I've been with friends/family who are inbibing, I have that little voice right there in my brain, "I'm done with that ...!" Anyway, I humbly pass that on as one more possible tool in the tool box as we feel our way out of the darkness. Keep at it ...

Tazman53

Well I know for this alcoholic every time I quit drinking by simply not drinking I became irratable, angry, grumpy at the WHOLE WORLD!!!! I used alcohol to medicate those annoying people away, when I simply quit drinking I still had all of the issues I had before and being sober I did not know how to deal with this whole annoying world! I wanted to drink but I did nothing to stay sober except not drink! I have heard this refered to as untreated alcoholism!!!

Well the last time I got sober I stayed sober, the main reason I was able to stay sober was due to workinig a recovery program! I was doing something about myself to stay sober other then just not drinking. Just not drinking always led me back to drinking because that was the only thing I knew to do to get releif from all of the butt holes in the world.

The program I chose was AA, it was a double barrel shotgun in my case, I had the fellowship for support, friendship and to know I was not alone and then I had the actual program of AA, the 12 steps which I have taken to heart and apply daily to all areas of my life.

I am not the same person I was when I was drinking, when I was drinking alcohol was the solution to all areas of my life, today I have a solution that works for me, that solution is the program of AA and the fellowship of AA.

I have found a solution for life for me that removes any thought of a drink as a solution.

1_day@_a_time

That's it! Well said Taz!

Wolfchild

Looking at what i had done as a "failure" kept me stuck in alot of attitudes and behaviors of self defeat & self destruction. The diseased thinking i had took that opportunity to tell me i deserved nothing good in my life, people will always hurt me, and there's no point in even trying to live my life. Since i was becoming more dissapointed and more miserable, i sought escape from myself any way possible. i became less comfortable in my own skin and tried desperatly to isolate myself from the rest of the world. The more my using & drinking got out of control, the more i blamed it for creating all the problems i had in my life. At some point, i really didn't want to stop because taking any kind of responsiblity for my own choices seemed impossible and unreasonable. In a weird sense, i had joined the growing crowd of people who did not understand what i was doing or why i was doing it. i had become a stranger to myself and got more lost everytime i tried to find my way back.

After reaching the conclusion that i no longer could justify what i was doing to myself, i sought help. i tried a variety of methods to reach a point of self-acceptance, but could never find that 'magical solution'. That was because i was still focusing on the symptoms of the problem rather than the root cause of it. Turmoil and chaos became the order of the day and insanity reigned supreme.

When i came to the end of my road, i was either gonna die or i was gonna try, i sought help in N.A.. i found people there who truly cared for my life. They told me to keep coming back and to ask for help. When i did start asking for help, all kinds of people showed up that knew what i had been through and how to deal with it. As i began to put the effort in to getting better, i found myself experiencing the spiritual healing i had always hoped would happen. i continued forward and found that by living my life for me, i could be restored to my true character. Alot of work has been done, more will be revealed for me to do, and i'm OK with that. i am not perfect, i'm just making progress. The amount of self will i surrender to the God of my understanding's will, the more freedom from self obsession i enjoy. i discover those principles, long hidden within & that i was created with, are very useful when applied to how i interact with reality. i no longer need or want to escape into whatever illusion my disease creates for me. i find out what life's terms of the day are as i practice acceptance & surrender with myself and others. The 12 Steps & 12 Traditions are the solutions to whatever problem or difficulty i encounter and helps me to let go of my preconcieved notions of how life should be going at any given moment.

As it has worked for perhaps millions of alcoholics & addicts, a spiritualy based program of recovery will work for you if you work for it. Try it, you'll like it! Maybe so much so that you'll ease up on the temporary situations & circumstances and focus on the journey ahead! Have faith and go easy my fellow SR member.