alcohol improves relationships?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 138
alcohol improves relationships?
I've been experimenting: drinking during family and political/business get togethers and staying sober. By far, drinking improves my social interactions. Why? Even my marriage seems better off when I've had a few- though of course my husband wouldn't know that- because he hardly ever knows when I"m drinking. I hide it much more now that he knows that I am struggling with quitting and drinking. How can I stop when everyone else seems so much happier when I'm drinking?
You're not truly facing and dealing with reality when you're not sober
You're "escaping" temporarily
The more you do that the less you want to deal with reality
When you stop for a little while, reality tends to suck compared to the escape
Thus the cycle continues
Problem is reality continues too
And your reality tends to get worse the longer you go without dealing with it
This is why the beginning of sobriety is more difficult than after you've been at it a while
Here's one analogy you could think about:
It's like cleaning out your closet - 10 minutes into the job you have a bigger mess than you started with so it's tempting to throw it all back and shut the door.
Next time you open the door it looks worse than when you started last time
Clean out your closet and then you can put some new fresh and clean things in there.
You'll feel better about yourself and you'll socialize better sober than you do now
You might find that you don't want to socialize with the same people - that's a part of the closet cleaning.
You're "escaping" temporarily
The more you do that the less you want to deal with reality
When you stop for a little while, reality tends to suck compared to the escape
Thus the cycle continues
Problem is reality continues too
And your reality tends to get worse the longer you go without dealing with it
This is why the beginning of sobriety is more difficult than after you've been at it a while
Here's one analogy you could think about:
It's like cleaning out your closet - 10 minutes into the job you have a bigger mess than you started with so it's tempting to throw it all back and shut the door.
Next time you open the door it looks worse than when you started last time
Clean out your closet and then you can put some new fresh and clean things in there.
You'll feel better about yourself and you'll socialize better sober than you do now
You might find that you don't want to socialize with the same people - that's a part of the closet cleaning.
Being totally honest in all of my relationships has been much better for them than being deceitful ever was.
My sobriety is not dependent on what other people thought of me though..
I'm pretty sure if your husband knew everything there is to know, he wouldn't agree that your marriage is better for it.
My sobriety is not dependent on what other people thought of me though..
I'm pretty sure if your husband knew everything there is to know, he wouldn't agree that your marriage is better for it.
There's a reason they call alcohol "liquid courage". It gives socially akward people (like me) the courage to socialize in an otherwise uncomfortable situation. It took me a lot of years to realize that I can just be myself and that's ok (and I'm still coming to terms with that today). Most of the so-called "friends" I hung out with only did so because they liked to get plastered as well. Your true friends will try to understand your problems and encourage you to face them and solve them as best you can.
That was certainly the case for me. I was never comfortable in my own skin when sober, so I loved the effect that alcohol gave me in social situations. Of course it ended up being the boomerang that knocked me to the ground in the end.
I've been experimenting: drinking during family and political/business get togethers and staying sober. By far, drinking improves my social interactions. Why? Even my marriage seems better off when I've had a few- though of course my husband wouldn't know that- because he hardly ever knows when I"m drinking. I hide it much more now that he knows that I am struggling with quitting and drinking. How can I stop when everyone else seems so much happier when I'm drinking?
I've learned for me, that's not a good idea.
A relationship "improved" with alcohol sounds dysfunctional to me, for my life.
I tried that in over 22 years of marriage.
I'm divorced now.
((Effortjoy))
Listen good okay, and this is said with love and soft voice.
Joinedintime said it best:
"You're not truly facing and dealing with reality when you're not sober
You're "escaping" temporarily."
That was me, loved to escape, did not want to deal with all the mess, so to speak.
You stated, "How can I stop when everyone else seems so much happier when I'm drinking?"
I feel and I think you feel that you have a problem and I think misery loves company. Just my 2 pennies.
Not my intention to hurt you in any way.
Listen good okay, and this is said with love and soft voice.
Joinedintime said it best:
"You're not truly facing and dealing with reality when you're not sober
You're "escaping" temporarily."
That was me, loved to escape, did not want to deal with all the mess, so to speak.
You stated, "How can I stop when everyone else seems so much happier when I'm drinking?"
I feel and I think you feel that you have a problem and I think misery loves company. Just my 2 pennies.
Not my intention to hurt you in any way.
Last edited by tallcactus; 08-06-2009 at 10:46 AM. Reason: wanted to delete parts of joinedintime quote.
Oh I just remembered that you are the same person that thinks you are a better mother when you're actively drinking.
I hope you come to some different conclusions about how alcohol damages, not enhances relationships soon.. at least for their sake.
I hope you come to some different conclusions about how alcohol damages, not enhances relationships soon.. at least for their sake.
'Everyone seems so much happier when im drinking.'
So are you drinking to keep them happy? Or are you drinking because you're UNhappy?
In my opinion if you're drinking and its not a problem, say you can stop at 1 or 2 and feel happy in yourself then I don't see a problem. However if you answer 'yes' to either of my questions then drinking can't be much fun.
So are you drinking to keep them happy? Or are you drinking because you're UNhappy?
In my opinion if you're drinking and its not a problem, say you can stop at 1 or 2 and feel happy in yourself then I don't see a problem. However if you answer 'yes' to either of my questions then drinking can't be much fun.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Thinking like that used to get me into trouble but not anymore.
I now know that the only one that thinks alcohol makes you a better person is you and maybe some other boozers who are also buzzed at the time.
I think you are probably only fooling yourself.
I now know that the only one that thinks alcohol makes you a better person is you and maybe some other boozers who are also buzzed at the time.
I think you are probably only fooling yourself.
Focus
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 206
I haven't posted in a couple weeks, but this thread annoyed me so much I had to post. Effort... are you really even trying to quit or are you doing this to kill time? From what you said, alcohol has very few if any negative effects on your life. You are a big girl... you know what you can handle and you don't need us to tell you.
The problematic part for me about your situation is that it seems you WANT TO GET CAUGHT DRINKING... It's like you try to "hide" it and then get disappointed when your husband doesn't notice you are hiding it... and that is counter-intuitive to me if you are truly "addicted" to any drug. I'm wondering if it is more an addiction to attention you have re: your husband. I'm not judging you but either you want to stop or you don't and really, it only matters to you at this point.
All I know is this. I have expressed desire to decrease the amount of alcohol I drink to people who have brought it up to me... but never, ever, ever in a MILLION years would I tell someone who didn't have a problem with my drinking in the first place that I was going to STOP PERIOD! For what purpose? If you are doing this for you, great... but you aren't so good at it. Neither was I, but I stopped writing threads like this.
Maybe you should consider making an honest effort OR figuring out your reasoning for even wanting to stop in the first place OR keep drinking but for the love of God... please stop drinking and posting about it unless you are serious about your intent.
Sorry for any harshness.
::steps off of soapbox:: Hope everyone here has been well.
The problematic part for me about your situation is that it seems you WANT TO GET CAUGHT DRINKING... It's like you try to "hide" it and then get disappointed when your husband doesn't notice you are hiding it... and that is counter-intuitive to me if you are truly "addicted" to any drug. I'm wondering if it is more an addiction to attention you have re: your husband. I'm not judging you but either you want to stop or you don't and really, it only matters to you at this point.
All I know is this. I have expressed desire to decrease the amount of alcohol I drink to people who have brought it up to me... but never, ever, ever in a MILLION years would I tell someone who didn't have a problem with my drinking in the first place that I was going to STOP PERIOD! For what purpose? If you are doing this for you, great... but you aren't so good at it. Neither was I, but I stopped writing threads like this.
Maybe you should consider making an honest effort OR figuring out your reasoning for even wanting to stop in the first place OR keep drinking but for the love of God... please stop drinking and posting about it unless you are serious about your intent.
Sorry for any harshness.
::steps off of soapbox:: Hope everyone here has been well.
I've been experimenting: drinking during family and political/business get togethers and staying sober. By far, drinking improves my social interactions. Why? Even my marriage seems better off when I've had a few- though of course my husband wouldn't know that- because he hardly ever knows when I"m drinking. I hide it much more now that he knows that I am struggling with quitting and drinking. How can I stop when everyone else seems so much happier when I'm drinking?
I looked back at some of your other posts & you have started some very good threads with good questions that people gave thoughtful & intelligent answer's to. It might be a good idea to look back at them & read them over a few times.
This thread below had some particularly good input. Please take care of yourself, alcohol abuse destroys relationships, people & lives. Take Care, NB
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-fighting.html
Here Are My Illusions about alcohol that began when I was 14yrs old and almost twenty years later I am still struggling to get rid of:
1. Alcohol is the only thing in my life that I can always depend on
2. It never leaves me alone, it never hurts me, it always makes me feel like I belong
3. It gets rid of all my boredom, all of my anxiety
4. It makes me patient
5. It makes me creative
6. It makes me into a fun person
7. It makes life worth living
What are your illusions? How do you get rid of them?
1. Alcohol is the only thing in my life that I can always depend on
2. It never leaves me alone, it never hurts me, it always makes me feel like I belong
3. It gets rid of all my boredom, all of my anxiety
4. It makes me patient
5. It makes me creative
6. It makes me into a fun person
7. It makes life worth living
What are your illusions? How do you get rid of them?
I didn't get drunk or black out when I cut down. I didn't drink every day. But the first time I drank my husband said: you seem really tired. And today he found a glass of vodka that I left in the living room and he was furious. he started pouring hundreds of dolllars of bottles down the drain and I kept thinking: why? I'm in control. Why is he taking away the one thing that gives me pleasure. And the underground AA in DC is not acceptable to him because of his position; he just wants me to deal with it quietly and privately. He says that I'm in control of everything else in my life so why not this? But I'm really not. I pretend I'm in control, but really it is so hard to just function normally. It takes too much energy. And sometimes we are abroad and i feel even more like a stranger. So isolated and lonely and ineffective. And like I will never be a good enough mother. Like I will never fulfill my potential. Like I will always be in my husband's shadow. Like I will never figure out a way to live without drinking as my escape. Will I start hiding vodka now? This is not how i thought my life would turn out. This isn't the way it was supposed to be.
Last edited by NewBeginning010; 08-06-2009 at 12:24 PM. Reason: added link to another thread
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