lost84

So its been just over a month now after I was dumped by my cocaine addict bf for the second time in over a year for NO reason besides him being out on endless benders then freaking out on me, i Broke no contact

The first time after 3 weeks I told him i missed him, his response was "i dont miss you"
that was a shot to the heart. I waited a good 2.5 weeks and then felt the urge to text again saying i missed talking to him, hoping things with work ect were good. i didnt get a response but i am almost happy i didnt because he tends to ONLY respond meanly when drinking or high so in this case i know he wasnt.

i hadnt seen him 3 wks before we broke up but he works nights, lives an hr away and come his 2 days off their spent drinking doing endless amounts of blow and partying... i know thats no exuse to keep someone like that around but we still talked all the time and i wish i could be their as a friend as ive known him for a long time.

i really miss him. i am struggling with letting go & i wish it was easier. ive read every book you can think of in the last two weeks, they only numb my feelings for the time being.

each morning especially wknds i wake up a little sad that i never got a call or text and i cry. i dont know how he could really not miss me nor how any one with any type of addiction to drug ect can be so heartless have no feelings. they can pick up leave friends, loved ones anything, they just want to be with other druggies or alone. it doesnt make sense. hurts more and more.

laurie6781

This is not about you sweetie. It is about the fact that he is an addict and his first and only love is drugs!

Read around this site. Read the other posts, and see where the 'addiction' of the other person has taken some of us ................................... then be grateful that you are out of it now.

Yes, your dreams of the moment have been shattered, but if you honestly think about it and him, is this they person you would want to spend the rest of your life with?

It hurts right now, I know it does. But the 'hurt' will lesson as times goes on. You are in a 'grieving' process and for each of us the time it takes is different. You would probably benefit greatly from some counseling with an addiction therapist and/or Al-Anon.

Hope the above helps a little bit.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

daisylady

I agree with Laurie, be happy you are out now! As much as it hurts, it never gets any better when you stay with an active addict. My husband is the addict in my life and we have been together 8 years, dealing with his addiction for 5 years. He has been sober some of the time (most recently for over a year) but he is back at it again and we are starting all over! UGH!

When you are feeling sad, go to a meeting, call a friend or close family member, take a walk, get out of the house or read/post on this website! It will get easier as each day passes. Having a broken heart is no fun but you will love again and you will know what you do not want in a partner the next time around.

Good luck to you! Keep coming back!

sunnigirl

yes it hurts to have a relationship with someone that you care about not have that love be reciprocated. believe me it's not you, it's his doc, and there's no competing with it for love and attention. grieve your little heart out because I know it hurts, then move on sister.
much love

outtolunch

What are you doing with your own time?

It's that time of year....why not sign up for a few classes at a local community college?

It's always that time of year......why not volunteer, somewhere?

Doing so will expose you to new ideas and people.

Limiya

Wow, this is like reading my own previous posts.
Honey, cokeheads are a nightmare to have relationships with. You will never get consistency.
Check out some of my old posts i posted about my ex abf who was also a cokehead.
He would be hot n cold, hot n cold and i never really knew where i stood with him. Sound farmiliar?

Look after yourself. Read here a LOT and learn from some of these posts. It wasn't personal to you. He can't respect himself so he certainly won't have respect for your feelings.
This wasn't your fault. First and foremost.

~Limiya~

IPT

All I had to do was read the first few sentences of your post and related quickly. It is painful as hell and sucks. Look at the website GPYP (getting past your past). It REALLY is helping me get thru this. There is even a total section about the NC thing. She also has a book "getting past your breakup" (I think her name is Susan Elliot).

I feel for you...I am with you in some ways, but my days are getting better...and I KNOW that in the end MY LIFE is going to be better. .

lost84

just bought that book last wknd and finished it a couple days ago.. it helped a bit but i STILL texted him last night

lost84

Thanks for all the wonderfull posts, i am trying so hard, i want to be their as a friend, he tells me "its hard to be friends with someone who is CRAZY saying their coming here ect" the day after he broke up with me i called to see if hed meet me to talk. its an hr away i drove halfway their then came home realizng bad idea, ne ways he called me 5 hrs later to say his grandma said i called thats when he said "ur ******* rights ur not coming here & that it was hard to be friends with someone crazy sayin their coming their"
when he cuts me out of his life i just freak first response is i need to see him thinking it will make things better.. ahh

IPT

i TOTALLY understand your position. When my ex would pull away and ignore me it would make me crazy and I just NEEDED her to reach back to me. It wouldn't matter what she said, just the act of her contacting me put me at ease. Almost as if since she reponded it made me ok. Showed on some level she cared and I meant something. Of course her action had NOTHING to do with me or my worth, but I get what you're going thru. She would ignore me for days sometimes and it toe me apart. Early in the relationship I would go crazy actually, calling, texting. I became totally irrational and as dysfunctional as her.

It got better for me as I read more here at SR and elsewhere, put the focus on me. This last time I have recently been struggling a lot then I realized that a few months ago I LEFT her, and that I got sucked back into it. As I sat alone and stewed I got to thinking about what we REALLY had. Not what I fantasized about we had. It made me hurt, but also realize that it was for the best not talking. If we did, I might get that temp relief, maybe even see her and "try again". That would end my being in pain and so unhappy. The end result though is I would be hurt again soon enough and be in the same place I am now trying to move on and let go. It'd just be later down the road and after yet another failure! It's been 4 years, 3 of them on/off. up and down with me for the most part not very happy. After 4 weeks of NC it is getting better. I am seeing the light and that is for the best for all involved. I feel bad for her, but I did everything I could to help. Now I am trying to figure out why i sacraficed my sanity to do that. I am feeling the pain, guilt and confusion of why I chased someone who made it clear in her actions there were other things more important to her than I was. It hurts for sure, but so did being in a relationship with her and dealing with all the constant little rejections.

Hang in there, it gets better. I had to put my phone out in the car several times so it was out of reach. You may want to try that .

lost84

i am glad you relate to me. over a yr was HARD as hell to keep him in my life ME trying to keep HIM... doesnt make sense but any thing i could do i did. thats a long time, i cant imagine your feelings of ups and downs
has anyone else been told their the CRAZY one or need help and has problems. i almost believed i had issues when he told me i should get help enough times (all when he was freaking out or moody about something, he would tell me this, when i stayed silent and wouldnt talk to him)
it honestly drives me crazy wanting to understand how they throw away the PEOPLE WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR THEM UNDCONDITIONALLY, yet the dirty scummy go nowhere, trashy girls/guys ect they keep in their life and always have time for. OR how they have this "good person charm" when u meet them, like their SOMEONE their not its crazy when you finally see and meet the real them.

IPT

truth is this place and some serious introspection showed me that the very fact I delt with all that and stuck around did mean that I had some issues to work on. I should have kicked her to the curb long ago but I got pulled into that whole dysfunctional thing for my own reasons. It was easy to ratioanlize everything as her fault since it was SO clear that her addiciton and obviously poor choices were the cause of everything. I look back now and see that my own issues (fear of abandonment) added fuel to the fire. If I was totally healthy I would have very quickly just said "I will not be treated like this walked away". I was fighting for something, her to treat me with respect. A healthy person would have just recognized her being unhealthy and walked. I fought, but it was for much deeper issues that with counseling, a lot of reading, and serious self exploration and honesty I am learning I have issues that need to be delt with with.

Did you do all the "inventories" in Susan's book? If not, you probably should. I think you may learn a lot about yourself, the relationship, and it will help get you moving forward. It's painful, but so is breaking up and as someone pointed out in one of my threads so is "being involved with an active addict".

Butterfly14

Hi everyone, I am new to this site and have been reading and educating myself on cocaine addiction. A little background, I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months now. The first two months were great and then things started to go wrong. Long story short i found out he had a prior addiction to cocaine but was now supposedly clean he assured me he was clean though he was still going to bars and having beers he said he was fine doing that and it wouldn't lead him back to his addiction. I was skeptical about all of this as I know a lot about addiction coming from a family of alcholics and having gone to Al-Anon. I quesitoned his so-called recovery program and it didn't sound so good but true to my co-dependent ways i kept going with him. However, i noticed his behavior changing...he was becoming unreliable, angry, and blaming me for everything,,we would fight and then he would storm out and i wouldn't hear from him for a week or so and he would call back explaining how it was all my fault that he left because i said whatever,,,well i took the blame a lot and believed him. He had me convinced these arguments were my fault and that is why he would leave and i woudln't hear from him for days or weeks. It has gotten worse and now he shows up with no money in his pocket,,,I told him I didn't like how things were going and i thought he was using again. Well, he denies it and accuses me of being crazy yelling at me and saying hurtful things and he said it is over and walked out. That was a week ago and i haven't heard from him since. My question is i never dealt with cocaine addiciton and didn't see the signs right away but he was spending lots of time in the bathroom and then after disappearing for two days show up with no money and tired....he siad he was sick and that was why he was in the bathroom so long so many times. I heard the water running a lot in there too. Is this what cocaine addicts do? Also, he would become very nasty and mean say hurtful things....I have dealt with alcholics but this just seems much worse and the mood swings are crazy but they have you believing you are crazy. Anyway, I am just so confused right now and could use some support. Thank You!

Butterfly14

Yes, I experienced the same thing with my BF who is on cocaine. He would constantly tell me I had issues and that i was crazy, overeacting and not normal etc. etc. and he would say the most hurtful things at times, and then hang up the phone and wouldn't answer for days. It is totally crazy and enough to make you crazy!!! It's like they have different personalities...one day loving and kind and then mean and hurtful. It's awful.

teke

my ah called himself walking out on me and the kids this last time he left and i guess i was suppose to go crazy trying to get him to come back but decided it was time to let him go and without incident. as it turned out, that was the biggest favor he could have ever done for me. he saved me from having to evict him.

without actually realizing it most of the time, i think its their way of trying to control the situation, their way of keeping you hanging on and waiting for them to come around to give you another chance to live with them in their addictive world without complaining. sheer manipulation, most addicts seems to be good at it, even if they don't see themselves being that way.

i think its better to hurt now and get it over with rather than having to keep starting over again time after time,yr after yr. its a cycle

Butterfly14

Wow, That is so true. He would always leave when i hassled him or questioned him about whether he was using..it was like a punishment. In other words if you open your mouth i will leave you and you will be alone....that will teach you to keep your mouth shut. It is very manipulative...but your right I see that clearly now thank you for saying this makes perfect sense to me that is what he was doing all the times of walking out....trying to scare me ... that i was losing him if i didn't be quiet. It never worked though becuase I would question him again and again when i saw erratic behavior.

teke

you say it didn't work but think about it. he has all he needs and some with you but when he's ready to get high, is he all that concerned about you questioning him about his behavior? when it gets too uncomfortable for him, if he's like my addict, he'd either strike up an argument or create one so he can have an excuse to go get high. he knows you gonna grill him when he returns but the bottom line is, he can return.

how long are you willing to go through all of this, it never stops repeating itself until he decides to stop or you decides to quit.

rose

Lost,
You have tried and tried, eachtime you make contact with him you are getting back negative and this is keeping you hostage in your own mind. It is not good for you, your self-esteem and self-repect. You have to much to give to waste it on someone not worthy of you.

Your HP doesn't want this for you, he has a better plan for you than living your life with an addict. I can only assure you that if the two of you were together with his addiction, you would have been spending some horrendous nights and days...him not showing up for days, not knowing where he was, crazy out of your mind that something bad has happened to him...then showing up home again in a downer, just wanting to sleep...with no consideration what so ever of you. There is no happiness, you just live on the edge.

He is not the man you thought he was, addicts are very good manipulaters, they are the master of the game...sadly enough they seem to hit on vonerable people and have no regret of tossing us away, with no reasoning what so ever. I can assure you, you would miss out on so much of life living this way.

You are to good of a person and soon you will be thankfull that he is not in your life!

Rose

Butterfly14

Teke,

You are right it won't stop that is why i decided last week when he was leaving yet again that was it for me. I have had NC since and I thought it would be really hard but I am so fed up that it isn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. They are master manipulators and he coudl create an argument out of nothing to get a chance to leave and use....yes i guess it did work because i would go back again but not this time. I have reached my limit with the game.