BS08

Why do I do this crap when I KNOW it will hurt me and set me back? I've been really good about the no contact thing. I've been proud of myself for resisting the urge to drive by his house when in town, etc.

So what did I do? I set up a false FB account and friended him saying I was a friend of so and so. He didn't even know who I was and accepted my invite!!!

So, of course, I spent a lovely few hours torturing myself looking through all his pictures and posts, seeing how he didn't even blink an eye or grieve once I got the boot and the fun, lovely life he now has with his new girl he cheated on me with. I hate to say it, it looks really fun and it's what we used to share. I miss that life I had with him, and have been having a really strong pull that I want it back, and have now been crying about it for the past few hours. I really look at it and don't know who this person is...

So now I've gone down that stupid road of my life sucks (when really it's pretty great) and I'm a pathetic loser sitting here crying over pictures on a FB page while he's out there laughing it up. I feel like a failure and he won. Yup, your life seems better without me and my concern over your drinking, pot use, and deceptive behavior were just a pain. I was too concervative and ridged.

I had some good friends over today to my new house, that I love and feels like the first real sense of home I've had in years (estranged from my entire family due to alcoholic dysfunction I couldn't deal with anymore. It's been 15 years completely on my own moving around all over the place. I usually move away when I've gone through something like this, or rather run, but this time I've decided to stay put and plant roots. I love where I live), had a dog visiting my house that I'm going to be adopting from a rescue (I've wanted a dog for years and she's perfect), and went to a meeting tonight for a rescue team I'm trying to be part of. Should of been a great day!

But no, I do this and now I'm obsessing. I couldn't focus on my friends conversations, the dog, or my training tonight!! All I could think about was him, this crap on FB and how I didn't matter, when I wish I still did.

2 posts that did get me to stop crying though is that he posted he was going to start making home brew beer again, and he went out and bought a $2000 bike with the next line stating he's unemployed. Maybe the new girl financed it, but :wtf2! He's broke all the time and in HUGE financial debt! But it was a reminder to me that THAT's the reality, and not my fantasy. I had to reread Deserteye's post about being addicted to fantasies. That is my problem.

So I made a huge emotional step back today, and I'm regetting every minute of it. Looking at this crap only keeps him in my life with all the pain that he caused.

Another side effect from looking at this is me thinking I should start dating again. It's only been 3 1/2 months, and I'm still letting him control me emotionally with his behavior. I'm afraid I'm not really ready and just trying to compete with him on who has the better life. That's not the way to start a relationship. I should be fine with myself first. You think?

Just venting here. My friends are sick of me torturing myself and me talking about it. I'm just having enormous difficulty detaching from this. I've never been betrayed and treated so cruelly in my life....

Crazy4Him

Don't start dating just because he is. It is not fair to you and not fair to the man you will be using who may have true and genuine feelings for you. Wouldn't you want to be the best woman you can be before you find the man who will be the best man for you? Rebounding into another relationship before you're ready will only leave you with an even bigger mess than you started with.

I know exactly how you're feeling. It's sick and awful. The hardest thing that you're going to have to do is stop looking at his facebook. Forever. Delete that account. Facebook will be calling your name for a while after you stop looking at it but eventually it will pass. The sooner you start working on yourself and living your own life the sooner this man and who he is with wont even matter. It is a special kind of peace that you deserve.

Don't compare his outsides to your insides. Of course they are all smiles and laughter in public, aren't most couples? No two couple of people is perfect. No active alcoholic is truly capable of a healthy relationship and no woman in a relationship with an active alcoholic is going to get anything different than all of the women who came before her.

The other night I got a call from a girl who was "talking" to my ex after we broke up. SHE CAME TO ME. She was calling to tell me that she'd ended things and did I know that he was a REALLY BAD ALCOHOLIC?!

Needless to say it was a funny conversation. Don't compare his outsides to your insides and don't EVER torture yourself with the thought that they have a happier relationship or that you have somehow been replaced. You are an irreplacable woman. The only thing this woman has that used to belong to you is a prison cell that you've managed to scrape your way out of. I feel sorry for her. We can only hope that she's as lucky as you were.

TakingCharge999

BS08 I am YOU but 10 months afterwards.

I hate how Facebook is a source of pain for many people not only you and me.

If you still want to use it, open a brand new account. Choose only the closest dear friends. Choose only people that DO NOT KNOW HIM. I love my new account. I can be myself and no longer walk on eggshells online.

I also saw my ex's FB. I could have seen his new enabler profile too but I thought it would be too painful to read what he posted to her.

I know he dedicated her the same song he dedicated to me. Ouch.

I know when I was having the worse time of my life he took new enabler to the same beach where he abused verbally the first time. Ouch.

I know he "mourned me" 2 weeks. 2 weeks. Yes. 2 weeks. Ouch.

I saw ALL the parties he has been to. Lots of kissing new enabler. Discotheques, etc. Ouch.

And I always run into them live. I see him smiling at her and bringing her to the office and introducing her to the coworkers and hugging her and talking about her and smiling at her and arriving to the office smiling and without being bathed, as if he just had a wild morning. I even drive and run into them driving late to work. I know why they are late. I was there once.

Ouch.

So, I know how you are feeling...... (((((((BS08)))))))))

I won't tell you this stops hurting. It hurts big time.
BUT I can tell you this.

Then,when I left, I was sleeping on a sleeping bag at someone's spare room.
NOW, I sleep on a KING SIZE BED. With red sheets.

Then, I walked on eggshells.
NOW, the only eggshells are the ones when i cook my omelettes.

Then, I woke up to a guy with a hangover.
NOW, I wake up to MY TEDDY BEAR.

Then, I was cruelly treated.
NOW --GET THIS-- no one knows how or why, but --- my current bf ---get this --- who is starting a side career in MODELING -- washed MY DISHES today before we WATCHED YOUTUBE VIDEOS and ate grapes and had a glass of WINE had wonderful moments together.

Washing my dishes, for God's sake.

I thought that was it, the end. I am ashamed to confide you this but my pain was so great I had already booked a gun and was starting to consider doing something really stupid. It is NOT an end. It IS a beginning.

Please, PLEASE remember its the alcoholism.

Whoever is in your ex's life its because they are in denial, or drink the same way they do. It is SO NOT PERSONAL.

Your ex has NOT magically changed to someone great or the guy you knew before. He is starting stuff as he was with you at the end of the relation. Would you wish that kind of guy to one of your girl friends? Unless he took a time warp where he spent 20 years in AA, rehab, soul search, making amends, getting closer to God, HE IS THE SAME GUY YOU KNEW. Or worse. That is the nature of alcoholism.

Of course he has to act nice for a while so someone else "makes it drinking OK" and cleans up their messes and say things like "you are a drunkard, but I still love youuuu!!", I mean, imagine him in a bar stating "hey I just broke up with someone due to my alcoholism, and am on the rebound, care to f*ck? dont wanna sleep alone tonite".

I hope you remember God-HP is watching over you, this hurts but its better to hurt now, than to hurt later, you will never see this but you were saved from much worse things.

He won't be able to hurt you any more. This is it. The hurt will subside one day. You do not deserve being hurt over and over and over again and each time worse than the previous one. God-HP has other plans for you........

Time will prove you took the right decision. Pls be gentle with yourself.

Its ok to cry - cry all you need. Its very good for you to cry. Its appropiate and cleansing. Don't be afraid of crying. Its not a competition either. The only thing active alcoholics can compete on are in # of beers drunk one night. Or in denial levels. Or in faking. Or in acting talent. Otherwise just assume they live in an alternate universe.

When YOU start having fun, it will be because you are over grief and ready to party and stronger and wiser. His "fun" is just more of the same - hiding in drink and numbing the pain. His "fun" is not your "fun".

All the best and know that I was you and here I am, sound, so believe me if this Codie Queen with Constant Reopening of Wounds can start making it, so can you!!!!!!!!

Lahita

I hope today is a better day for you. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I "defriended" my XABF just this week. It is part of the detachment process for me. I am not able to move on with my own life until I start cutting those little strings. I know at this point that XABF will probably reach out to anyone but I choose not to read about it.

This is off topic, but I had a realization a few days ago about Facebook. I had a short friend list while XABF had a giant one. This helped me come to the realization that I had been centering my entire universe around him and withdrawing from others. Each day is easier as I come to understand myself a little more. I am slowly crawling out of my cave but I am starting to enjoy the ride...

Crazy4Him

OMG! I just laughed OUT LOUD in the middle of Starbucks. Oh, the stares. This is just so true. Top three things I hear about my ex, "But he's soooooo shy and precious!" "But he's soooooooo kind!" "But he's soooooo laid back!" Yeah... you don't know him like I know him, folks, sorry. This new girl will come to her senses eventually and then it'll be onto the next... like takingcharge said, try not to take it personally. He is a sick man and it simply isn't about you in anyway.

I always tell my friends that they might as well just hand my ex an Academy Award. He deserves it cause man that guy had me going! And he has everyone else going, too. No one would guess what a dark world he stews in, how depressed and alone he is. He is the angriest man I've ever known, but you would never EVER know it until you were living with him. I can't explain to you how relieving it is to wake up in the morning and know that I don't have to carry his anger and my own anger on my shoulders, anymore. When we first broke up there wasn't a day I woke up where I wasn't sick to my stomach. I lost fifteen pounds, one of the few good things that came from that nightmare. I'm so much healthier now and, unfortunatley, those fifteen pounds made a big comeback the healthier I got, but it was worth it!!

Don't beat yourself up too much. I find myself slipping all the time, because I see him all the time. We haven't spoken in almost two months and he just recently decided that he's going to start talking to me again so.... that's weird for me. It's okay to slip, just as long as you know the healthy way to pick yourself back up i.e with US not with HIM. Keep comin back!

Learn2Live

Hey BS08. Sorry you're going thru a tough time. I hear ya' about the FB pain; I think you know what to do (delete it). You can only keep your hand in the fire so long--you have to either pull it out of the fire or watch your skin melt off.

Try not to feel so bad about it or about yourself. I used to drive by my long ago-ex-BF's house ten times a night, at different intervals. Honey, sick people will make you sick.

What he is doing is surely disgusting. They go from girl to girl to girl until they stop drinking and drugging. She is in no way better than you. And we all know, it might look fun on the surface, but it is a miserable life. Just ask those people on the other forums who are in recovery, why they work so hard to stay away from that lifestyle.

Minor set-back but a necessary lesson. Take care of yourself.

tallulah

I've been no contact with my ex for nearly 5 months now. It's not like he hasn't crossed my mind.. of course he has.. but I've put any effort I may have expended into him into myself. Any energy in that direction is wasted energy.

When you do these things you are only hurting yourself. I nearly went to somewhere I would have seen my ex. I was deliberating over it... thinking about the pros and cons and my motivation etc. The night before I went to an Al-Anon.. and something in that meeting resonated with me.. it was like something was saying 'I got you away from this man and gave you courage and self-worth enough to stay away and you're going to put yourself right back in the path ... again?????'

It woke me up.

BS08

Thanks guys. I had to take a Benadryl last night to get some sleep....

Still upset about it this morning. I think the biggest thing about it that hit me is I just said to myself when I looked at "My God, he never did love me. He never did" and I think that hurt more than anything else. There was no grieving period, none. The whole month right after we broke up (which was an ugly breakup with me yelling at him and ripping things up in his house, especially after he told me he was interested in someone else. He actually ended it with an email and hung up on me on the phone and looked surprised when I showed up at his house. We live an hour and a half away from each other) is filled with hanging out with her. Some of the pictures are actually from his place of work (his ski hill). I had been with him almost a year, very well known by his coworkers, I was always there, and he had no problems parading her at the hill like we never existed. It makes me sick to my stomach how he can be that cruel. It's just inhuman to me to be that bold....But, they probably don't even care. They've seem him do it tons of times before. But I think about the last time I was up there when we broke up. I was sent packing with a trashbag full of my stuff and he's on the internet RIGHT after I left bragging about all the stuff he's doing. It's humiliating. And he also called this skanky ex just days after I got the boot. He hid hanging out with her because he knew I couldn't stand her and didn't like their relationship. She seems to be in the forefront now that I'm gone. She's probably helping him make beer. But this is the type of woman/person he values and wants to keep in his life, not me. That speaks loads to me.

And looking at her, I don't feel she's better than me. I actually don't really feel unattractive or less than her. I actually feel on a higher caliber than her and I actually see her as hugely selfish and uncaring as well. She knew of me, worked with him doing this, and has no problem picking up where I was left off. She broke the Sisterhood rule. You don't betray a Sister, not in my book. It's a cardinal rule. That's just bad juju, and that bad juju is in the shape of him...

But I try and remind myself of the underlying problems, not the surface. One thing I think about is he has a sister that is in the Peace Corp right now and I got to meet her when she came back to the States to visit last Jan. She was here in town for 3 weeks, and of that 3 weeks, we spent a grand total of 2 hours with her (2 separate dinners. And he is her only sibling). And the conversation was superficial. She wouldn't even go up to stay at his house for a day or two while she was here, and she was here 3 weeks!! She stayed with her friends. But she tells him she "love you so much" all the time, but I was shocked about how little time she spent with him, and it obviously upset him (he wouldn't talk about it). At first, I was thinking she was a bit of a selfish idiot by behaving this way and I felt bad for him. But now I'm seeing it more that she loves him, but has to keep her distance. She's seen it all with him. That also just sums things up for me. I know the inside working of his family, not the fun crap on FB. That's the reality. And as someone mentioned, he may have a million people friended on his page, but he accepted my false one when he didn't even know who I was! When we had our trouble at first, he didn't call a friend, he hit the bar! So that tells you where his friendships lie. They're not true friendships.

But it's been really hard. I put on the happy face, I'm trying to move forward and thought I was doing pretty good (bought a house, getting a dog, done some fun trips these past few weeks), but underneath, I still feel like a out of control emotional mess that I'm trying to get out of. People think I'm doing fine, but if they only knew the underneath. I feel like I'm forcing myself forward rather than moving and just emotionally treading water a lot of the time. The moment I get alone, it comes back.

I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday, and I think it can't come soon enough (can't get it earlier do to work and my trip).

Thanks for letting me vent here.....

tallulah

You need to stop this... now.. please..

I was with my ex for nearly 3 years... living together for nearly 2 years. I left in an ambulance with the coat on my back and my handbag.. and the very next morning he's in a police interview room saying I'M to blame.

It sucks.. but you are not making it any less suckier by churning it around and around in your head and your life like this. You're still riding the rollercoaster, time to get off.

My therapist told me that I had been dehumanised.. not even 'not loved'.. dehumanised. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to hear about a man I loved. But it was exactly what I needed to hear to make sense of what happened... sometimes the very thing you don't want is the the thing you need.

Maybe he didn't love you.. maybe he did.. but that is not the fundamental issue because it really says nothing about you and everything about him. What tells BS08 about BS08 is... how did BS08 feel. Whether he loved you and this is all a charade he is putting on or whether he never loved you and he is merrily skipping onto his next... it's not about you. If you loved him then you are capable of love.. now what you have to find out is are you capable of being loved and if you're not right now because your validation lies in a man who sent you packing with a trash bag and barely a whimper then work on being capable.

Grieve for the relationship by all means.. that is natural and necessary for healing.. but please stop the beating up of yourself.. that's only going to do more damage. :ghug2

TakingCharge999

Hey BS08,

Glad you are venting here.

I agree knowing the other person did not mourn and seems to be enjoying his life feels like a kick in the gut. If you can read the Stickys on top. I try to understand HE IS AN ADDICT. THAT IS WHAT ADDICTS DO. Its not "to me". When a new person stops being a doormat they will be pursuing another one right away. Addicts use people. Its all about the alcohol. And it hurts when they introduce them to everybody, etc. It felt as if I had meant nothing and none of the past was real.. or was it? I do not know. I will never know how he truly thinks or feels. I kept expecting things to flow as with other breakups.. and that was MY mistake... dealing with an addict is just a different world. We will never understand it and that is a good thing - because we are not addicts. They do not mourn or go through the hard times of life. They go to the drink to numb themselves. To stop feeling. That is what they do and will keep doing until God knows when. Perhaps they will always be that way.

I hope you start seeing all the hurtful stuff he does as further proof you are better being away.

My therapist said I did not miss this person as a boyfriend but as a friend. Its true. And whenever I start rambling she asks me "how are you doing with your dad?" so I just hope getting along better with my dad helps replace those abandonment and hurt issues and takes my attention to people in my life worth my time and that I myself abandon daily.

All the best to you and good for you for visiting a therapist, let us know how you do!

tallulah

Btw... I didn't mean my earlier post to sound like some top trumps of hurt and pain.. that wasn't my intention.. :ghug2

Sometimes good people fall in love with bad people.. sometimes loving genuine people fall in love with not so genuine people incapable of cherishing and accepting that love and returning it.

It hurts like absolute hell when you've opened your heart to someone who didn't treat it so well.. but what I suppose I'm trying to say is, that with the right help, even the most stomped on heart can heal. You will heal.. I'm sure of it... you just need to let that happen.. and the first part of that is acceptance of the pain, acceptance of the reality and letting go of the fantasy. Ironically, when I accepted that he thought of me as almost something less than human, that he didn't love me, is when I got ME back... I no longer owned that feeling, I gave it back, it was all his. I loved him.. it was real and true and genuine.. that is what I own. I think I got the better deal

Speaking to your therapist is a good idea.

TakingCharge999

tallulah do you sell recovery? how much for two pounds of it? LOL

tallulah

LOL... I've been very lucky to have put in my path a therapist who doesn't let me off the hook.. and an Al-Anon group who are accepting of me... another thing I have the ex and what happened to be thankful for.

I'm not perfect.. trust me.. I have dark times just like everyone.. :ghug2

You WILL get there TC.. you are a very bright astute and self aware woman. I can see your light even if you can't right now. I know that sounds like new age, psychobabble BS... but when that lightbulb goes 'ping' and illuminates everything you'll see it too.. x

BS08

I take no offense at all. I'm a great fan of tuff love. I prefer it actually, if you are right on the money, and you are. You sound like my best friend. She was yelling at me about the same thing yesterday. You need people to slap you in the head when you're hurting yourself, so I know it was all said with good intentions. It did help, so thank you.

One of the things about myself and my codependency that has been hard for me to take control of is the absolute lows and personal beatups I do to myself. I'm ruthless when it comes to me, but the most caring when dealing with others. My therapist has told me this several times, and it's really hard to conquer for me.

I put my whole heart and sole into that relationship with honesty and integrity, and I think it just comes from the slap-in-the-face reality that the FB stuff brought up. It shattered my fantasy. And I think your description of him "dehumanizing" me really hit home. It is. I'm a person, and I deserve respect, not discarded like some piece of trash. It's just hard for me to actually BELIEVE in it sometime, which is the self beat up.

And it's hard too with his friends and family that don't know him like I do (or are partiers themselves) to think he's such a nice guy. I have to see him as a sick person, which I actually see more of now. The level of his inhumanity to me is startling. I just can't fathom it. It's hard to believe. And I just think this is going to take me a long time to grasp.

I just have to keep reading the books, talking to friends, and remember that I do have worth. I just miss the man I knew. My father, who I loved enormously died of cancer when I was 18, and I have to say, it feels somewhat like this. It's like a death.

I'm just really waiting for the day I feel emotionally normal again and he doesn't matter. My soul will be more at peace without him.....

TakingCharge999

Ugh its a lonely place,when you know them after the parties, its like you are carrying this secret you can't talk openly about and if you do either the others think YOU are making waves, etc etc or they just think its a breakup like any other one and say inappropiate things. That is why I love SR, it makes me feel less lonely.

I agree its like a death and for me that I still see him often is madness, its like they had a soul trasplant. I just don't know who he is. And I hope he matters less and less, too. I advance at a snail's pace but it feels so great when you start moving on!

You sound very strong!!! I know you can make it.

123bubblegum123

BS,

You sound exactly like one of my best girl friends, is you're name Sarah?!? In any case, I personally am more emotionally distant from men, in fact, once a man has done be wrong I cut him off in every way possible. Now, there is something admirable about your passion. However, you really need to redirect your passion towards loving yourself. He honestly is scum and is not deserving of your love, BUT there is a fab man out there who does deserve you! Problem is, you will never find him if you are stuck wallowing in this past miserable relationship.

I'll give you the same advice I gave my girl friend: continue to take the no contact day by day, and reward yourself with something fun (and healthy) each day you successfully avoid him! Maybe watch a movie, go out for dinner with a friend, go shopping, etc.. And soon enough you'll be so busy and into taking care of yourself that you'll see being single & independent is liberating and fun! Also, not that this is a priority right now, but men will certainly be more drawn to your independence and confidence, as the sexiest thing a woman can wear is a smile.

Hugs & support,
Rachel

TakingCharge999

I am trying hard to realize "his" fun and finding other ppl does not take anything away from me and that this is an abundant universe.

You too will have fun and find nicer people and put those pics in Facebook and that will be real healthy fun!

BS08

Okay, I deleted the FB. It was actually very hard to do. I've come to realize that I don't want to let go, so that's why I cling to it. But, unfortunately, I've done some serious damage to myself emotionally. I honestly think that looking at this has put me into a depression. I now feel distant and not connected with anything. I don't sleep well, I've lost weight, and just feel empty. Especially now that I know he also met her back in Feb. Feb. I'm devastated. Again. Thru my own doing. Knowing this didn't help me one bit.

I have my appointment with my therapist on Monday, but wish it was sooner. I really can't describe how I feel. Just kinda numb. I cry all the time, I force myself to smile, and I just don't really feel present anymore. I forget stuff a lot now. I don't care about dating. Right now I don't even know what I can give to anybody. Even myself. I'm actually surrounded by friends right now doing something I absolutely love to do (I guide wilderness trips for people with disabilities of all sorts). It's a trip I do for some dear friends of mine, and the group is a group of individuals that are in various stages of recovery from addictions. This place is really a home for me and is a really important part of my life. I was thinking today that I could never bring him here and share this part of my life. Could you see him here trying to deal with being surrounded by all people in recovery and not being able to smoke or drink? What a nightmare. But even being here, and my "Happy Place" isn't helping. Everyone else has gone to bed, and I'm just staring into space crying.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to feel normal and happy again. I'm having extreme trouble detaching. I hate him for this, I'm starting to really hate him, and have started wishing something bad to happen to him.

I'm just in a really ugly emotional place right now and just don't know how to turn it around and reclaim myself.....

BS08

Okay, amazingly, I think I already feel better after hitting that "deactivate" button. It's gone....

bookwyrm

Like a child who puts their hand in a flame despite the warnings, you've learned a hard lesson. Take the lesson to heart and don't beat yourself up about it. You had to learn this for yourself. You're grieving. Its totally normal. Let yourself cry it out. Be patient with yourself. You've had a shock!

Don't be suprised at the anger either - its something we all go through too. You are allowed to feel angry! I don't think detaching means unfeeling. Anger helped me get a whole lot of things done that needed doing after STBXAH left. It helped motivate me when I was low. It helped me keep away from communicating with him. I was angry but I knew that talking to him about was a waste of breath. I'm just annoyed with him now more than anything. The day I have no ties left to him will be a day for rejoicing!

You will get through this, you will feel happiness again. Hang in there. :ghug3