I need some help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Bear,DE
Posts: 6
I need some help
I am loooking for some advice on how to deal with my wifes recovery. I am the father of 3 young boys and this whole drug addiction thing is killing me inside. i haven't been able to eat sleep or stop crying for the last month.
She was a wonderful mother and wife before she got hooked on pills. She has been clean for a month now but I can't get over the lies. I don't know if I can ever trust her again.
Is my marriage headed for divorce? I sure hope not and we are taking the right steps toward recovery for both of us but I can't seem to let it go.
She spent thousands of $ of our kids tuition $ on drugs. She damn near killed my 2yo son when he got one of her pills.( I was at work )
I had no idea she was using. O r I was just in denial.
I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how this whole thing work.Ya know the whole recovery thing. I don't know what to do.
I find myself checking her phone and email. Snooping around the house looking for things. I don't want either of us to live like this anymore. Should I go? Should I stay? Should I trust her again? What do I tell our kids?
I am so confused, hurt, angry, and tired.
jason
She was a wonderful mother and wife before she got hooked on pills. She has been clean for a month now but I can't get over the lies. I don't know if I can ever trust her again.
Is my marriage headed for divorce? I sure hope not and we are taking the right steps toward recovery for both of us but I can't seem to let it go.
She spent thousands of $ of our kids tuition $ on drugs. She damn near killed my 2yo son when he got one of her pills.( I was at work )
I had no idea she was using. O r I was just in denial.
I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how this whole thing work.Ya know the whole recovery thing. I don't know what to do.
I find myself checking her phone and email. Snooping around the house looking for things. I don't want either of us to live like this anymore. Should I go? Should I stay? Should I trust her again? What do I tell our kids?
I am so confused, hurt, angry, and tired.
jason
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
Posts: 105
My suggestion is to get some support for yourself, which I assume is what you are doing right now, this is good!
Try to turn things that are too big for you to handle over to your higher power, whatever you believe that to be. Ask for guidance from your source.
You can get a big book or a 12 by 12 to do some reading. You can even work the program for yourself, and if drugs or drinking are not your issue, just replace the word alcohol with "my wife" and see if it helps.
Even though her behavior may be pulling at your attention, take action to bring your focus and mind back onto yourself, and what you are doing. If you need help in learning some techniques to do this, get it! I would be happy to share some with you, email me privately if you like.
Practice trusting yourself, and stop trying to believe you "need" to trust her. If you trust yourself, you will automatically sense things and be able to respond based on your trusting your self and your judgments.
Fear is something that can drive a person crazy...the fear of what might happen...well it hasn't happened yet, and with the steps above, you can step into your courage and still experience life unfolding all sorts of gifts and joy, no matter what is happening around you!
The things that helped me the most were that my husband never ever threw blame or shame in my face, he did not have to-I had so much of my own. I remember times when I wished he would yell and scream at me, but he never did.
The things that really got me the most were when people were sincerely (not pretentiously) nice to me, supportive and vocal about their love and trust of me...it just killed me, because I felt so guilty and rotten inside...it really shook my soul!
When people were nasty and angry with me, it simply agreed with what I thought of myself anyway, and did nothing to touch my heart and soul. Nothing at all.
Hope it helps a little,
Much love and light!
~Cheryl
Try to turn things that are too big for you to handle over to your higher power, whatever you believe that to be. Ask for guidance from your source.
You can get a big book or a 12 by 12 to do some reading. You can even work the program for yourself, and if drugs or drinking are not your issue, just replace the word alcohol with "my wife" and see if it helps.
Even though her behavior may be pulling at your attention, take action to bring your focus and mind back onto yourself, and what you are doing. If you need help in learning some techniques to do this, get it! I would be happy to share some with you, email me privately if you like.
Practice trusting yourself, and stop trying to believe you "need" to trust her. If you trust yourself, you will automatically sense things and be able to respond based on your trusting your self and your judgments.
Fear is something that can drive a person crazy...the fear of what might happen...well it hasn't happened yet, and with the steps above, you can step into your courage and still experience life unfolding all sorts of gifts and joy, no matter what is happening around you!
The things that helped me the most were that my husband never ever threw blame or shame in my face, he did not have to-I had so much of my own. I remember times when I wished he would yell and scream at me, but he never did.
The things that really got me the most were when people were sincerely (not pretentiously) nice to me, supportive and vocal about their love and trust of me...it just killed me, because I felt so guilty and rotten inside...it really shook my soul!
When people were nasty and angry with me, it simply agreed with what I thought of myself anyway, and did nothing to touch my heart and soul. Nothing at all.
Hope it helps a little,
Much love and light!
~Cheryl
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry you are hurting, i have been in the same situation and i know how hard this is. living with an addict is very painful. there is not much you can do about her, but you can take care of you. the decision to stay or leave, is your choice, but i do think you have an obligation to protect your kids from her addictive behavior.
the emotions that you are going through are commom. not only do addicts need a plan of recovery but we who love addicts need recovery too. addiction effects all involved.
you asked what should you do and my answer would be to educate yourself. you may want to protect your finances and your valuables. you may want to start thinking about a plan b, just in case you need one.
try to focus more on you and less on her. i know its hard to do but you can do it. do whatever you have to do to keep from meditating on what she may or may not be doing.
in my area, there are a lot of different meetings at a lot of different times. it is suggested that in early recovery, that the addict attend as many as possible.
sounds like she maybe doing what she think she needs to do in order to maintain her sobriety if so, thats a good thing.
for now maybe you can continue to read, find your own alanon meetings, they would help you to better understand and help you to focus more on yourself. i think i'm rattling now so i'm gonna stop and say a prayer for you and yours.
the emotions that you are going through are commom. not only do addicts need a plan of recovery but we who love addicts need recovery too. addiction effects all involved.
you asked what should you do and my answer would be to educate yourself. you may want to protect your finances and your valuables. you may want to start thinking about a plan b, just in case you need one.
try to focus more on you and less on her. i know its hard to do but you can do it. do whatever you have to do to keep from meditating on what she may or may not be doing.
in my area, there are a lot of different meetings at a lot of different times. it is suggested that in early recovery, that the addict attend as many as possible.
sounds like she maybe doing what she think she needs to do in order to maintain her sobriety if so, thats a good thing.
for now maybe you can continue to read, find your own alanon meetings, they would help you to better understand and help you to focus more on yourself. i think i'm rattling now so i'm gonna stop and say a prayer for you and yours.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, iwphl, you've come to a good place where people understand because we've all walked in your shoes.
The addict in my life is my son, and I know the awful feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and fear that comes with watching an addict destroy themselves and all who love them.
What helped me, what literally saved my life, was finding a meeting and surrounding myself with live support from people who knew what it was like to be me. In time, I found a wonderful sponsor who helped me work through 12 steps of recovery that was a healthy, wonderful way of living my life no matter what the problem. Today I use those very steps every day to keep me in balance and to help me from slipping back into my old ways. Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us here.
I learned to stop being a codie detective...I too checked cell phone bills, followed my son to see if he was where he said he was, and tried to control HIS disease. Recovery taught me that I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it (we call this the 3 C's) and I learned to use the energy that I expended on trying to control him, on myself instead and on finding a healthier way to live.
Today I live a happy, wonderful life, and find beauty in each day...even though my son is still lost in his addiction somewhere unknown to us. I found that I couldn't live in his disease and my recovery at the same time, and having tried everything I could to save him, I learned that all the love in the world could not change what was not mine to change. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.
Take a read around, especially the "sticky" threads at the top. Make yourself comfortable and feel free to share as often as you want. We're here 24 hours a day and have all found enormous strength in walking together on this path of recovery.
It takes time, it takes work, and it takes change but I promise you that your life can get better, and that you too can find the inner peace that many of us have found...regardless of how our addicts are doing.
Again, welcome to SoberRecovery, I am glad you found us and hope we can offer the support you are seeking.
Hugs
The addict in my life is my son, and I know the awful feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and fear that comes with watching an addict destroy themselves and all who love them.
What helped me, what literally saved my life, was finding a meeting and surrounding myself with live support from people who knew what it was like to be me. In time, I found a wonderful sponsor who helped me work through 12 steps of recovery that was a healthy, wonderful way of living my life no matter what the problem. Today I use those very steps every day to keep me in balance and to help me from slipping back into my old ways. Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us here.
I learned to stop being a codie detective...I too checked cell phone bills, followed my son to see if he was where he said he was, and tried to control HIS disease. Recovery taught me that I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it (we call this the 3 C's) and I learned to use the energy that I expended on trying to control him, on myself instead and on finding a healthier way to live.
Today I live a happy, wonderful life, and find beauty in each day...even though my son is still lost in his addiction somewhere unknown to us. I found that I couldn't live in his disease and my recovery at the same time, and having tried everything I could to save him, I learned that all the love in the world could not change what was not mine to change. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.
Take a read around, especially the "sticky" threads at the top. Make yourself comfortable and feel free to share as often as you want. We're here 24 hours a day and have all found enormous strength in walking together on this path of recovery.
It takes time, it takes work, and it takes change but I promise you that your life can get better, and that you too can find the inner peace that many of us have found...regardless of how our addicts are doing.
Again, welcome to SoberRecovery, I am glad you found us and hope we can offer the support you are seeking.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: no answer
Posts: 76
Jason, first a cyber hug for you....and a validation of all the feelings you are having "confused, hurt, angry, and tired". I have been there too. When I look at the name I chose for this forum, I know how upset I was. I have cried until I can't cry anymore. I have seen people like this on here too, so WE are not alone.
Dear friend of an addict, you are not alone. I am glad you are here. What is happening to you is very much what happens to many of us. I am not trying to minimize your pain, just letting you know we are out here, many of us feeling just what you are feeling.
Do you attend NARANON OR ALANON? I started a few months ago and it helped me to KNOW we are not alone, it helped me with my own issues as a result of my childhood with an Alcholic father and a pill popping mother. THen a bad marriage and my current/ on and off relatinship with an addict. I didn't want to call him that for so long, part of the problem. I left ALANON for a month and am going to go back Tomorrow night to a meeting.
Please get yourself help and consider a program that you can get support in. None of us know what will happen to your marriage. It is up to her to do the work and stay clean and you to do what you need to do. I was told and I see that just because they quit using doesn't mean the behaviors like telling lies stop.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF first, this is the hardest thing for me to do, and be there for the boys.
If you love her and want to keep your family together do what it takes, even if it means being apart for a while. She is lucky to have such a devoted husband, hang in there, read the readings, come here for support and give support, pray, and good luck, let us know how you are please. (please excuse my grammer and spelling errors, one of my weaknesses, I have gotten old enough now, I just do not care what anyne thinks of my documented disability)
Cyber hugs,
Haunted
Dear friend of an addict, you are not alone. I am glad you are here. What is happening to you is very much what happens to many of us. I am not trying to minimize your pain, just letting you know we are out here, many of us feeling just what you are feeling.
Do you attend NARANON OR ALANON? I started a few months ago and it helped me to KNOW we are not alone, it helped me with my own issues as a result of my childhood with an Alcholic father and a pill popping mother. THen a bad marriage and my current/ on and off relatinship with an addict. I didn't want to call him that for so long, part of the problem. I left ALANON for a month and am going to go back Tomorrow night to a meeting.
Please get yourself help and consider a program that you can get support in. None of us know what will happen to your marriage. It is up to her to do the work and stay clean and you to do what you need to do. I was told and I see that just because they quit using doesn't mean the behaviors like telling lies stop.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF first, this is the hardest thing for me to do, and be there for the boys.
If you love her and want to keep your family together do what it takes, even if it means being apart for a while. She is lucky to have such a devoted husband, hang in there, read the readings, come here for support and give support, pray, and good luck, let us know how you are please. (please excuse my grammer and spelling errors, one of my weaknesses, I have gotten old enough now, I just do not care what anyne thinks of my documented disability)
Cyber hugs,
Haunted
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
iw,
welcome to SR. you are smart and brave in posting your story. Although addicts (and recovering addicts) are selfish early in recovery...they are NOT supposed to spend hours texting people of the other sex (if straight). Being drug free begins to show immediately. I'm sure a lot of people on SR will attest to the differences they saw in their partner when they cleaned up, even for only a month. While its your choice to stay or go...I will BEG you to get your children out of that toxic environment. Please put them first and take care of them. If she really cleans up and wants to be in your life, then you can go from there. I hope what I have said hasn't offended you. Although there are times on SR when I heard the truth and didn't want to accept it. If she's texting this guy and her "meeting times have suddenly changed" it sounds like she's not being honest with you. Trust your gut..the one that's giving you bad feelings that drive you to "check" up on her. There's a reason you're checking her cell phone bills. Listen to that. I wish you the best.
welcome to SR. you are smart and brave in posting your story. Although addicts (and recovering addicts) are selfish early in recovery...they are NOT supposed to spend hours texting people of the other sex (if straight). Being drug free begins to show immediately. I'm sure a lot of people on SR will attest to the differences they saw in their partner when they cleaned up, even for only a month. While its your choice to stay or go...I will BEG you to get your children out of that toxic environment. Please put them first and take care of them. If she really cleans up and wants to be in your life, then you can go from there. I hope what I have said hasn't offended you. Although there are times on SR when I heard the truth and didn't want to accept it. If she's texting this guy and her "meeting times have suddenly changed" it sounds like she's not being honest with you. Trust your gut..the one that's giving you bad feelings that drive you to "check" up on her. There's a reason you're checking her cell phone bills. Listen to that. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: buffalo ny
Posts: 167
Jason, one of the mistakes I made when my husband was using was believing that we were different; he would stop using and I would help him. That it would be ok even though my guts were screaming and in knots. Now I know to trust those guts!!!
Currently my husband and I are together, but that's after a 2 year incarceration for drug related activity (his, not mine!) So far things are good, but I trust my instincts, have set firm boundaries, and keep my money safe.
Hang in there and TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN.
Currently my husband and I are together, but that's after a 2 year incarceration for drug related activity (his, not mine!) So far things are good, but I trust my instincts, have set firm boundaries, and keep my money safe.
Hang in there and TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
I am so sorry you are going through this but happy that you found Sober Recovery. Lots of great advice, experience and support here.
Take care of yourself and the kids first. And always listen to your gut.
Take care of yourself and the kids first. And always listen to your gut.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 168
One of the hardest things for me about my AH’s(Addicted Husband’s) addiction was stopping the control over him that I thought I had. I checked his phone, followed him, called him all day every day just to make sure he was going to work and he was where he said he was. I even went to pick him up at his dealer’s house one time because I knew he was there-I even threatened his dealer and told him I was going to call the cops!! It was SO STUPID because I thought he wouldn’t use if he couldn’t buy it from him anymore. The list of what I did to control it goes on and on and on. I thought I was making a difference whether he used or not. I came here, went to meetings and started to understand it had NOTHING to do with ME but everything to do with HIM. It didn't matter what I did, HE would use no matter what if he wanted to. I also restricted him from getting money out of our account and hid our checking card and my purse because I thought if he didn't have money he wouldn't use. He would pawn whatever, find change in the house, steal, cheat and lie just to use. Again, didn't matter what I did because it was always about and will always be about HIM. I am not saying I still don't have my moments where I snoop on his phone, because I still do, but most of the time I try to prevent myself from going CRAZY by checking up on him every minute. He is a big boy, if he screws up I now have healthy boundaries in place to get him the hell out of my house or if he won’t leave, I am very prepared to get out. I must say though, IT HAS TAKEN ME WHAT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER to get to this place and I still have moments where I feel sad and I don’t think I will be able to leave if he tramples over one of my boundaries.
Try as best as you can to keep the focus on you, trust your gut (when you think she is using, she probably is, when you think she is lying, she probably is) and take care of you and your babies!
Keep coming back and keep posting! This site has helped me so much and I KNOW it will help you too! WELCOME!!!
Try as best as you can to keep the focus on you, trust your gut (when you think she is using, she probably is, when you think she is lying, she probably is) and take care of you and your babies!
Keep coming back and keep posting! This site has helped me so much and I KNOW it will help you too! WELCOME!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Hi Jason,
I'm less than 30 miles from your location. If you need help finding local support meetings to try I can help you with information.
There are Al-Anon meetings for folks damaged by alcoholics in their lives (but many people attend due to substance abusers, since there are many more Al-Anon meetings than Nar-Anon meetings), Nar-Anon meetings for people damaged by substance abusers in their lives, and CoDA (co-dependents Anonymous - meetings for people who have difficulty being centered and who tend to look to what others do in order to live their lives).
The meetings are free and you may sit and learn and not have to say anything or "join" or subscribe to any particular belief system. They provide tools and perspectives on how to get your life back to sanity and manageability, even if you have an addict in your life. They provide a peer group of others who have similar experiences to yours, and their Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) of how they coped. They will not tell you what decisions to make or what value system to subscribe to, but will give you information about addiction and data about different folks' experiences in their lives and what they did and where it got them.
There are daytime meeting times, evening meeting times, weekend meeting times. Lots to choose from. Worth a try. Many here will swear these support meetings and the people in them saved their lives/sanity.
Welcome to SR and PM if you need assistance with local information. We know how devastating addiction can be. We also want you to know THERE IS HOPE that you can live a happy, healthy life again with your kids, regardless what your wife decides to do with her addiction.
CLMI
I'm less than 30 miles from your location. If you need help finding local support meetings to try I can help you with information.
There are Al-Anon meetings for folks damaged by alcoholics in their lives (but many people attend due to substance abusers, since there are many more Al-Anon meetings than Nar-Anon meetings), Nar-Anon meetings for people damaged by substance abusers in their lives, and CoDA (co-dependents Anonymous - meetings for people who have difficulty being centered and who tend to look to what others do in order to live their lives).
The meetings are free and you may sit and learn and not have to say anything or "join" or subscribe to any particular belief system. They provide tools and perspectives on how to get your life back to sanity and manageability, even if you have an addict in your life. They provide a peer group of others who have similar experiences to yours, and their Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) of how they coped. They will not tell you what decisions to make or what value system to subscribe to, but will give you information about addiction and data about different folks' experiences in their lives and what they did and where it got them.
There are daytime meeting times, evening meeting times, weekend meeting times. Lots to choose from. Worth a try. Many here will swear these support meetings and the people in them saved their lives/sanity.
Welcome to SR and PM if you need assistance with local information. We know how devastating addiction can be. We also want you to know THERE IS HOPE that you can live a happy, healthy life again with your kids, regardless what your wife decides to do with her addiction.
CLMI
Last edited by catlovermi; 08-06-2009 at 08:01 AM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Bear,DE
Posts: 6
Thank you all for so much great advice. I think i know now what I have to do for my kids and I. Who knows maybe some day I will have a happy ending to tell.
Thank you so much, you guys are great.
Thank you so much, you guys are great.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I find myself checking her phone and email. Snooping around the house looking for things. I don't want either of us to live like this anymore. Should I go? Should I stay? Should I trust her again? What do I tell our kids?
Well, we have all been there; so you have come to the right place on the web. Here are some concrete suggestions for you:
What helped me when I was first in this type of position was Al-Anon. Being physically in the presence of others who understood me and who could validate my feelings got me off to the right start. Seeing the faces of people who have experienced the same things as I was experiencing helped me to feel a part of something larger, and helped me to feel that the problem was not just me. Actively participating in Al-Anon or other 12-Step program teaches you a new language through which you can make sense of what is happening to you and around you.
What has also helped me immensely is reading books from the library on alcoholism and drug addiction (they usually go hand-in-hand). I recommend "Addictive Thinking" by Abraham Twerski, published by Hazelden Press. I also recommend Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More." There are also many good books that explain the physiological and behavioral aspects of alcoholism and addiction. The more you know about this disease, the weaker your anxiety will become.
For the physical protection of your children you have some serious decisions to make. She is probably not able to make these decisions in partnership with you in a mature manner. You have to set the boundaries between the children and their mother because children are unable to do that for themselves and there is no one else to do this for them but you.
You can write down a list of your concerns about their physical safety and then come up with, and write down, the possible solutions. This process is referred to as "setting boundaries." If you feel the need to, you can then share this list with an objective, trusted friend or family member to make sure you are being reasonable.
Then, you can calmly sit her down when the kids are asleep or not around, and tell her your boundaries. You might want to limit it to one or two items at a time.
The basic method for boundary setting like this is to state the behavior you are having a problem with, then state how that behavior makes you feel or affects you and/or the kids, and then tell her what the consequences will be if she repeats that behavior. For example: You say, "When you drive the car with the children in it, I feel afraid that the children will be hurt. Therefore, if you drive the children around in the car again, I will <insert whatever you have decided to do>." (for instance, call the police, sell the car, take the keys, whatever you decide is best). This way you prepare for the anxiety-producing action of the addict, and already have the solutions planned ahead of time.
The action you decide to take is not a THREAT. It is a consequence. You must follow thru as you stated you would. It is just like stating boundaries to a child. There is no judgment of the person, it is a simple statement of fact. This puts the responsibility for her behavior and the consequences of her own behavior, on her. I've no doubt in my mind that you will be able to do this for your children. Once you have practiced that for the kids, you will be able to set the boundaries for yourself.
Remember, just because a person gets clean it does not mean they are magically healed. They will continue to think, act and behave in the same ways as they did when they were in active addiction, until they start to change themselves. Getting clean is only the first, baby step.
I advise you not to think "What am I going to do about this marriage? Should I get divorced?" Take this one day at a time. Focus on yourself and learning what you can about this situation, get yourself to Al-Anon, and come here to read and post. The reason for focusing on the here and now instead of the past and the future, is that thinking about past and especially future, will only cause you more, unmanageable anxiety.
Also, I do not have kids but I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. The best thing my mother ever did to help me deal with Dad was she always told me how much my Dad loved me and cared about me; she always told me the good and positive things about him; she always told me when to avoid him (when he was drunk and nasty); and she always told me, when he was behaving badly that it was not my fault and that I was not the reason he acted that way toward me. Don't deny what is happening to your kids; acknowledge it but always talk nicely about her to them.
Take good care of yourself. Try to see the good in her.
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