Advise when alcoholic fiancee and son clash
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
Advise when alcoholic fiancee and son clash
I need advise--me and my fiancee live about 100 miles apart in two different cities. He was out at a bar last Friday night in his city and lately when he drinks (he is an alcoholic) he becomes very mean to me--he called me up and started calling me a stupid ***** and all kinds of other names which got me very upset--my 15 year old son overheard and became extremely upset with my fiancee calling me names. I was just sitting home on Friday night with my son reading not doing anything wrong. Well Saturday my fiancee shows up at my house and a few hours later my son comes home from his friends--see my fiancee and immediately leaves. In order to get my son back home I had to send my fiancee away as my son was very mad at him for his behavior towards me the previous night and wanted nothing to do with him. My fiancee became extremely mad at me for sending him off--I did not realize he was also drinking before he came down on Saturday and told me I should not have done that and I was endangering his life making him drive back home. But what was I to do my son would not come back home and I was worried about him. Anyway my fiancee will not let this go and has held this over my head ever since and told me he will no longer come down to my house to be sent away. How should I have handled this?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Knowing what I know now (having been married to and divorced from an alcoholic) I would trust your son's instincts. He is expecting a man to treat his mother the way she DESERVES to be treated. This man is not doing that. If you honor your son's feelings, then not only do you do yourself a favor, you are modeling to your son how HE should treat a future wife, the future mother of YOUR grandchildren.
Or you can ignore your son's warning signs and stay with the jerk who will be your son's role model.
Or you can ignore your son's warning signs and stay with the jerk who will be your son's role model.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...reconsider marrying this man. He is an alcoholic now...do you think that marrying him will make that go away? It doesn't. If anything he will feel like he now has a licence to drink and abuse you and your son.
I went through this. My older kids stepfather was an alcoholic. They were also teens when we were dating/married. I am ashamed that I put him first and not my own children. I should have kicked exah to the curb the second I realized he was an alcoholic and how damaging it was to my children...they aren't even his children!
Just like my kids did for a time, your son is losing respect for you because you put up with this. He is probably not looking forward to the life of hell you two will have if you get married to this man.
Put your son first!
I went through this. My older kids stepfather was an alcoholic. They were also teens when we were dating/married. I am ashamed that I put him first and not my own children. I should have kicked exah to the curb the second I realized he was an alcoholic and how damaging it was to my children...they aren't even his children!
Just like my kids did for a time, your son is losing respect for you because you put up with this. He is probably not looking forward to the life of hell you two will have if you get married to this man.
Put your son first!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Sorry, but I would never in a million years marry someone so childish and a drunk on top of it. And it would never in 5 million years bring my 15 year old son into a situation so volatile. But hey, that's just me.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Based on your old posts, this is the same song and dance you've been entertaining for a while. Maybe it's time to let go, and foster the relationship with your son, and yourself.. while he "recovers". Set some boundaries here.. or is this all ok with you?
Your son will never have another childhood.. how much more of it will be in the shadow of an alcoholic?
Your son will never have another childhood.. how much more of it will be in the shadow of an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Anyway my fiancee will not let this go and has held this over my head ever since and told me he will no longer come down to my house to be sent away.
Classic alcoholic manipulation. If you marry this man this kind of "holding stuff over your head" and driving your son away will be the bread and butter of your new family. Add to that some rage, guilt, shame, resentment - all the freebies you get to live with in an alcoholic home/relationship.
Your son has remarkable instincts - and he still trusts them enough to follow through and actually walk away!! Trust gets eroded pretty quickly in alcoholic homes too.
The person I want to marry first of all would never call me names in a drunken tirade or be mean to me.
Second of all, if he did act this way and I forgave him but my son was rightfully upset and standoffish - the man I would want to marry would apologize to me and my son and would demonstrate that he would never do that again by:
a. never doing that again
b. getting help and insight into why he would ever do such a thing to his "family."
c. by visibly growing as human being, in kindness, warmth, generosity and love.
Mean nasty language coming at me? I wouldn't want to marry that!! Add drinking/alcoholism on top of that? Tail lights baby!!!
Bohn05--I know it is painful but seriously what are you getting out of this relationship and don't you want better? And what kind of man are you inviting into your world to come as a wedge between you and your son - who at 15 is going through the time of his life when he most needs good adult examples and doesn't need any "extra" reasons to be moody, sullen, and storm out of the house!!?
peace-
b
Classic alcoholic manipulation. If you marry this man this kind of "holding stuff over your head" and driving your son away will be the bread and butter of your new family. Add to that some rage, guilt, shame, resentment - all the freebies you get to live with in an alcoholic home/relationship.
Your son has remarkable instincts - and he still trusts them enough to follow through and actually walk away!! Trust gets eroded pretty quickly in alcoholic homes too.
The person I want to marry first of all would never call me names in a drunken tirade or be mean to me.
Second of all, if he did act this way and I forgave him but my son was rightfully upset and standoffish - the man I would want to marry would apologize to me and my son and would demonstrate that he would never do that again by:
a. never doing that again
b. getting help and insight into why he would ever do such a thing to his "family."
c. by visibly growing as human being, in kindness, warmth, generosity and love.
Mean nasty language coming at me? I wouldn't want to marry that!! Add drinking/alcoholism on top of that? Tail lights baby!!!
Bohn05--I know it is painful but seriously what are you getting out of this relationship and don't you want better? And what kind of man are you inviting into your world to come as a wedge between you and your son - who at 15 is going through the time of his life when he most needs good adult examples and doesn't need any "extra" reasons to be moody, sullen, and storm out of the house!!?
peace-
b
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Join Date: Nov 2004
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Originally Posted by Bohn05 
I need advise--me and my fiancee live about 100 miles apart in two different cities. He was out at a bar last Friday night in his city and lately when he drinks (he is an alcoholic) he becomes very mean to me--he called me up and started calling me a stupid ***** and all kinds of other names which got me very upset--my 15 year old son overheard and became extremely upset with my fiancee calling me names
Say goodbye to the b/f
Who wants some one in their life that, doesn't show them any respect??
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
let's put all of the facts in one place:
1. he is a known alcoholic, in and out of rehab
2. he has $15K in debt
3. he is living with him mother at age 48? to work his program, but he's still drinking
4. he is verbally abusive to you
5. he wants you to quit your stable job to save his house
6. he wants you and your son to leave your area (and your son's current school) to save his house.
7. he drinks and drives
8. he went and detoxed at his old girlfriend's house and didn't call you, leaving you worried
9. when you get together, all you do is hang out and have sex.
all of this is classic behavior of an addict. do you really want more of the same?
in this case, i feel that your son is seeing the situation clearly. good on him for walking out and taking nothing more to do with this man. it would be good if you followed his example.
i know it's hard, but from what you have explained to us, this situation is not going to get any better, it's going to get worse.
he says he will never come to your house again. that's fantastic! take him up on it!
naive
1. he is a known alcoholic, in and out of rehab
2. he has $15K in debt
3. he is living with him mother at age 48? to work his program, but he's still drinking
4. he is verbally abusive to you
5. he wants you to quit your stable job to save his house
6. he wants you and your son to leave your area (and your son's current school) to save his house.
7. he drinks and drives
8. he went and detoxed at his old girlfriend's house and didn't call you, leaving you worried
9. when you get together, all you do is hang out and have sex.
all of this is classic behavior of an addict. do you really want more of the same?
in this case, i feel that your son is seeing the situation clearly. good on him for walking out and taking nothing more to do with this man. it would be good if you followed his example.
i know it's hard, but from what you have explained to us, this situation is not going to get any better, it's going to get worse.
he says he will never come to your house again. that's fantastic! take him up on it!
naive
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
Thank you for advise
Thank you all very much--you help and advise is invaluable. Yesterday was just another example. He told me he was working Saturday starting at noon so early in the week I accepted an invitation to a picnic with some of my co workers that started at 3:00 pm. He wanted to meet me halfway again Saturday night and I told him I was not sure how late the picnic would be and it is about 45 mins from my house. At 2:30 pm he calls me and tells me he is done for the day and could I come up and meet him. I told him I am on my way to the picnic and he wants me to cancel and I told him that would not be nice to cancel at the last minute. So I go and in the meantime he is calling and texting. I do get home at 8:00 pm and tell him I am home. He said he waiting around all day for me and was going back home to Baltimore. Later on he calls me up and breaks up with me again saying I am too crazy to deal with and not worth it. Once again what did I do wrong? I think I just need to revisit what a normal man women relationship should look like. I think it has been so long I forget!!! LOL
Thank you all again so much!!
OX OX
Sheila
Thank you all again so much!!
OX OX
Sheila
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
You didn't do anything wrong. You just weren't there at his beck and call. Good for you. He obviously doesn't like that so he "broke up" with you again. Again, good for you! 
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