kv816

I started going to Alanon (mostly online meetings) in March of last year. Joined this website in late April I think it was....but didn't register my account and start really listening until late in the year. Believe it or not (sarcasm) I was more naive then than I am now. I would reply to ABF with things I had heard in meetings and he'd reply back with how I am just listening to crap from meetings and people who don't know a darn thing. It was actually someone (okay, half a dozen someones) who called themselves (sarcastically) crap-ola givers.

I've been reading Co-Dependent No More (yes, LOVING it). I've been reading a lot of posts on here, all very helpful. It still amazes me how I can have something on my mind that's weighing me down and all I have to do is get on here and 99% of the time someone else has the same issue. I don't even have to ask, I get all my answers anyway.

I admit, I've had contact with XABF over the last several days. I changed my number just over a month ago but somehow he got it. I would normally have gotten angry, but I didn't. I would have gotten angry because I was afraid I'd fall for his "quacking" again and I'd be so upset within a few days and I'm tired of being upset.

So he called me Saturday around 1:00; obviously drunk. Does he think I'm stupid?? Like I can't tell the difference between dry talk and drunk talk? DUH!! All I could think about when he was talking was that V-8 commercial where the mom is holding up a french fry tormenting the poor baby about what she's having for lunch and then the baby pops her between the eyes with a "duh, what? are you fricken stupid?" look on her face. Took all I had not to laugh when I was listening to him quack.

He said he was going to his sisters in a little while and would I come pick him up when he wanted to go home if he needed me to. I heard "my A sis plans on getting drunk with me so she can pick me up but not take me home".

With comfort in my gut and strength in my heart, I said no. He hung up.

He sent me a text around 11. Said he wanted to let me know he got home, not that it would matter to me because I obviously don't care. I told him that I'm glad he got home, he's a 35 year old MAN and he should be able to get himself home. He said yeah, he IS a MAN and can do whatever he wants but I'm supposed to be his wife and when he asks me to do something I should do it, no questions asked. All he was asking me to do was save someone from a DUI.

HA!! OMG!!! I nearly fell out of my chair laughing!!!

I pulled myself together and responded with more comfort and strength "not my responsibility to save someone from a DUI".

I listened to him for another few minutes (honestly, I was being thoroughly amused by it all). This group and Alanon has helped me see SOO much and it didn't matter what he said about me or my friends or my family or my "ways", none of it sunk it like it had for so long. His anger progressed and progressed and progressed and I realized he was pissed because he was picking a fight and I wasn't walking into it. He was not upsetting me. And it pissed him off!!!

He "hung up" on me in the end, I'm guessing because I didn't fight back and it just ticked him off too much.

I text him the next day. The night before he had told me to come get my stuff from his house. That always seems to be his answer to everything. As long as I have stuff there he's got something to use to hurt me. So I told him that I was coming after work to get my stuff (if nothing is left than he can't use it anymore). He's getting what he wants right now. But tomorrow, next week, next month, he can't fall back on that over-used "come get your sh!t" line anymore.

So I text him, said I would be there after work. "Don't worry about anything I said, Baby, I didn't mean it. Your stuff is fine here. I'm sorry for everything. My job was to always make you happy and I have failed miserably. I'm so sorry if I upset you and for hurting you so much. It won't happen again."

Light bulb!! Where have I read about this before??

I saw him last night. He is still "respecting" my boundaries that I will not be around him while he's drinking. He had a glass of tea when I went to his house and that's what he drank the rest of the night. But again, apparently he thought I was stupid. Blood shot, dilated eyes. I could smell it on him...oh that sweet, stale, yeasty smell is SOO disgusting.

He leaned in to kiss me. And I accepted. Or tried to anyway. I actually ended up turning my head away. Later he tried again and again, I turned away. And it wasn't like I was thinking how gross it was, stop. It was almost like I had no control. Turning away came naturally.

I left and recalled a post on here from awhile back about if you find yourself falling out of love while detaching. To the OP, yes, I have fallen out of love by detaching. Do I love him? Absolutely. I care so much about him and I know how smart and funny and creative he is and those are the things I love and will always love about him. But I am no longer IN love with him.

Six months ago I would have left his house angry. He had been drinking all day so when I got there even though he wasn't drinking (like the boundary I placed), he HAD been drinking and I was still forced to put up with his drinking personality (the one I despise). He said some hurtful things that would have upset me. He did some things that would have upset me. There's a whole list of reasons why in a few hours, six months ago I would have left crying, upset, hurt, angry.

But last night I left and realized, "WOW!! OH how I've changed!!!"

Have you ever seen the movie Labrynth with David Bowie as the Goblin King? In the movie, the girl is watching her infant baby brother and he is upset. Crying, screaming. She's tried everything but she just cannot seem to comfort him. She finally holds him up and says something along the lines of "Goblin King, Goblin King, take this child away from me!". She lays him down, leaves the room and POOF, the child vanishes.

She realizes that she didn't really want him gone and spend the whole movie going through this Labrynth. A maze that takes her from dead end to dead end. Into smelly swamps and one turn leads her back to the beginning. People use rhymes and riddles that just leave her more confused than when she began. Others are good to her. Nice and sweet and offer their help. She accepts, only to find they played her and she's worse off than she had been.

But she's racing the clock, her baby brother turns into a goblin at the stroke of midnight.

In the end she makes it to the castle where the king has her brother. But the clock strikes midnight and she doesn't have him. The king tells her she failed, he belongs to him now and will be his goblin.

She stops dead in her tracks. The world she's in is spinning around her. Nothing is clear, nothing makes sense.

Then her light bulb goes off. She looks at the king and says "wait a minute, you have no control over me. You have no power!"

Everything shatters. She's back in her house, her baby brother sound asleep in his crib. It is all over.

What used to make me angry, doesn't anymore. He has no control over me. He has no power.

I know this is long. But I wanted to say thanks. Thank you to all of you crap-ola givers.

Bohn05

You helped me see there is light at the end of the tunnel and it does get easier to not let the alcoholic in your life "crap" effect you!! I am going through the same stuff with my fiancee that you described and I am constantly upset and crying and after reading your post I am thinking "why"--why am I doing this to myself?

Thank you!!

Sheila

Rad44

You have no power here....

...now run along before someone drops a House on you too.

Gypsy Feet

great post kv, I'm so happy for you

whyamistaying

That was wonderful to read. Good for you!!!!

bookwyrm

Fabulous post. Well done!

naive

thanks for that, kv. i had a laugh as i read it. it's not really fair to our poor A's, as they were able to fool us for awhile, but they are no match for the bunch of us together, sharing our information.

i do identify with the "script" part of it...i guess forewarned is forearmed...now, when mine says something, i almost know what he's going to say next. the push-me pull-you doesn't work anymore because we have cracked the code.

oh, and i've gotten that line also, like "if i ask for something, you should do it, because you're my partner."

my version went like this:

xABF: "i'm hungry, will you fix me some food?"

me : no. it's 2am and you've woken me.

xABF: "i've been working all night (translation: drinking while working at pub). the other women i went out were happy that i was at work and would greet me with food"

me: oh? you mean the other women who packed up the house while you were at work and fled to another country with the children? they would make you meals? you should have stayed with them then."

Learn2Live

Isn't it GREAT when you finally grow to the point where you can see their tricks, lies and manipulations? It's humorous to watch and listen to a grown man behave like a 4-year old: They think you don't know what they are doing, they think you don't know that they're lying, they think you are going to fall for all their old tricks. Isn't it great to think back to the days when you were just so gullible and insecure and now you see just how far you've come? Thank you so much for sharing every word of your post!

kv816

Oh, I have SOO got to remember that next time he accuses me of being a Wicked Witch!! "Yes, I can be. But you will not be the one who drops the house on me."

Naive....yeah, I've been compared to "all the other b!tches" from his past. Of course, he always says I'm NOT a b!tch, but I treat him just as bad as they do. Last time I heard that, for the first time ever, I realized that what has happened in his previous relationships is that everyone has been fed up with the way he treats them and/or they realize he's a drunk and leave after knowing they cannot fix him. If that is the case, then I'm proud to be put in the same category.

Learn2Live.....It is amusing. He has told me more times than I can count how he is a grown man. A grown man he says!! Okay, then WHY do you act like a four year old?? He got onto my 4 year old a few months ago. She was upset about not getting her way, stomped out of the room and slammed the door behind her. Obviously threw herself to the floor and then growled loud enough for everyone to hear her. I let something like this slide. Everyone gets angry, and they should not be punished for being angry. She did not say anything mean to anyone and she did not hit, slap or kick anyone or anything and nothing got broke (other than her pride). So I let it slide. Though it is better to deal with your anger than express it, she's 4 and in time she'll learn. Anyway. He got onto her. And I told him exactly what I said above. He got angry about my thoughts. He yelled at me, said some awful things about me as a parent, threw his cup into the sink, stomped out of the room, slammed the door behind and then screamed something back at me through the house.

I laughed. He was angry for a 4 year old acting the way she did. And to show his anger, he did the exact same thing she did (except was physical and oral with his anger).

Linkmeister

I listened to my soon to be XABF quack on about how I meddled with his computer when in fact, I merely turned down the speakers because his "I'm so drunk and feel sorry for myself" music was so damned loud while he was in the living room with more of the same music on.

This time around, I haven't fallen for the old tricks that have worked in the past. I'm taking baby steps toward detachment and it is helping me a lot. The anger is palpable as he now goes out for several hours, comes home, tries to pick a fight and I walk away. It's no fun fighting with yourself.

Told him today when he was quasi sober (and I do mean what I say as I have me cell in a pouch on my pants and am prepared to call the police) that if he opens his mouth once more to verbally abuse me, I would have him removed. Dead silence from him and a load more of apologetic quacking about how he loves me and does not want to lose me. Booze is his lover, his mistress and to be honest, he lost me a long time ago-it's just a matter of when he can get his stuff out of here.

PurpleWilder

One of my old Al-Anon sponsors told me what to do when your alcoholic calls you a b!tch.

Look 'em straight in the eye and say "Thank you".

She said her ex never called her that again after that day!

kv816

I was searching YouTube for something and found the ending scene to that movie. The whole speech, everything coming out of his mouth, sounds all too familiar for me.

This is what she says in the end though......

Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City, to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!


Oh how I can apply that to my life.

YouTube - Labyrinth - Jennifer connelly David Bowie End Scene

Learn2Live

Linkmeister, I LOVE your word describing how they talk, "Quacking." I have to remember that. Makes me smile and giggle. Thanks!

Learn2Live

kv816, Thanks for that story. My XBF recently did that too when I wouldn't let him sleep in my bed after he'd been "sleeping" over another woman's house (Oh, but they didn't sleep together!) He made a big scene, stomped out the door, yelling at me how I have no compassion (because the woman's husband/his "best friend" had just died; the same woman he is sleeping with), slammed the door and nearly broke the glass. I just shook my head, went back to bed, read my book and fell asleep.

GiveLove

Worked for me too
It's pretty freeing to be able to shrug and say, "honest? don't care what you think any more."

Way to go, KV. Do you think "crapola-giver" would fit on a hat?