Left and am staying in a hotel tonight with the kids
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Left and am staying in a hotel tonight with the kids
Kids are with a friend right now and I have to leave work in a few minutes to go get them. Called lawyer and have appt. with him Friday at 8:30 to sign the papers. Started to look for houses (found a realtor suggested by atty. and she and I are on the same page as far as what I want and can afford and where I want to live and will take less house rather than live in an iffy neighborhood).
AH just called me at work--I did not answer the phone--in fact I felt sick to my stomach when I saw it was home.
He got verbally violent again this morning--I think knowing that divorce was going to happen. I am going to let my lawyer talk from now on.
Gotta go get the kids.
Pass any peace and calmness my way if you can. This is nerve racking (sp?)
AH just called me at work--I did not answer the phone--in fact I felt sick to my stomach when I saw it was home.
He got verbally violent again this morning--I think knowing that divorce was going to happen. I am going to let my lawyer talk from now on.
Gotta go get the kids.
Pass any peace and calmness my way if you can. This is nerve racking (sp?)
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Wife2Kids if it gets to be too much remember ItsMeAlice packing and driving for hours with pets!!!!!!! That image is the image of Strength & Resolve!!!!
You are doing the best thing for you and your kids. This too shall pass. There are so many gifts awaiting you...
You are doing the best thing for you and your kids. This too shall pass. There are so many gifts awaiting you...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello wifeand2kids-
well done getting a hotel room and a bit of peace. i am sure you are under a lot of pressure right now, but hopefully, you will get a good night of sleep. you've been through a lot.
i know for myself, i felt much better as soon as i started making my move towards freedom. even though the future is uncertain, at least you can rest peacefully knowing you are taking care of your children and yourself.
please let us know how it goes for you. we're rooting for you.
naive
well done getting a hotel room and a bit of peace. i am sure you are under a lot of pressure right now, but hopefully, you will get a good night of sleep. you've been through a lot.
i know for myself, i felt much better as soon as i started making my move towards freedom. even though the future is uncertain, at least you can rest peacefully knowing you are taking care of your children and yourself.
please let us know how it goes for you. we're rooting for you.
naive
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I know this feeling, really I do.
Before I left, XABF was at his worst. He drank to excess every night. He was rude. He barked orders at everybody. He had no interest in helping me in any way. Once he had his plans in place, he dropped me like a hot potato.
I couldn't see beyond the next five minutes let alone into the next day or week.
When something comes to you that you need to remember, keep a list and keep adding to it. It helped me to feel in control of my plan.
Let convention fly out the window for now. If you're on a diet, let it go. If this kids want ice cream for dinner, have at it. It's going to feel like chaos is swirling around you, but you can do this, believe me.
I have so much pride for you taking control of your own life. It's not about leaving really, it's about saying enough is enough. All his talk of counselling. All his manipulation. And the then verbal abuse when things don't go his way. Enough is enough. You are getting yourself to a safe haven and letting the legal beagles handle things. You are on the right path.
And don't forget...it's okay to cry. Remind the kids that a good cry cures a lot.
Hold them close tonight. It helped me to hold my pups close. Wherever you are, if you're together, you're home.
Blessings.
Alice
Before I left, XABF was at his worst. He drank to excess every night. He was rude. He barked orders at everybody. He had no interest in helping me in any way. Once he had his plans in place, he dropped me like a hot potato.
I couldn't see beyond the next five minutes let alone into the next day or week.
When something comes to you that you need to remember, keep a list and keep adding to it. It helped me to feel in control of my plan.
Let convention fly out the window for now. If you're on a diet, let it go. If this kids want ice cream for dinner, have at it. It's going to feel like chaos is swirling around you, but you can do this, believe me.
I have so much pride for you taking control of your own life. It's not about leaving really, it's about saying enough is enough. All his talk of counselling. All his manipulation. And the then verbal abuse when things don't go his way. Enough is enough. You are getting yourself to a safe haven and letting the legal beagles handle things. You are on the right path.
And don't forget...it's okay to cry. Remind the kids that a good cry cures a lot.
Hold them close tonight. It helped me to hold my pups close. Wherever you are, if you're together, you're home.
Blessings.
Alice
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
It's SUCH a hard thing, making that decision that this is it, you are done. I remember looking at myself in mirrors, in the bathroom, in the car, wherever, and telling myself "You are NEVER going to live like that again." I also sang loud to empowering songs on the radio, created an atmosphere in MY home that was nurturing for my children and myself, and just kept putting one foot in front of the other, each day, until I had more calm days than crazy ones.
Good luck, Wife2kids, and know that many here have walked the walk you are on and support you on your journey.
Good luck, Wife2kids, and know that many here have walked the walk you are on and support you on your journey.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
OK, I am becoming a wreck all of a sudden today--not that I have changed my mind. The shock has worn off and reality has struck.
I just need to breath and see what comes of the appt. with the lawyer tomorrow.
What creeps me out a lot is AH called work yesterday about 1/2 hour before I left work--I did not answer.
He has not called since.
Child suddenly has to go to the bathroom. I will check back. I am using the hotel computer.
I just need to breath and see what comes of the appt. with the lawyer tomorrow.
What creeps me out a lot is AH called work yesterday about 1/2 hour before I left work--I did not answer.
He has not called since.
Child suddenly has to go to the bathroom. I will check back. I am using the hotel computer.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
If it helps to know, I frequently had bouts of the shakes when I was packing to leave. I just couldn't envision how it was all going to work and the fear was overwhelming.
The other afternoon I had a random panic attack (I'm not prone to them at all). Like something was going to come barreling through the door at me. I keep looking outside and watching the clock. I couldn't concentrate worth anything. I had no idea why.
The next day when I wondered what I would have been doing at a certain time when I was back with XABF it hit me. At the same time I had that panic attack, he would normally have been coming home from work, out of money from his allowance and payday not until the next day, he would have been out of beer, out of money and ready to pick a fight with me. I remembered the feeling of not wanted to be there when he got home and wishing I could be anywhere else. Just because he's far from me doesn't mean my body doesn't remember what that day of the week and time of the day really means.
The feeling of fear and uncertainty manifests itself in many ways. Don't let that stop you from the things you know are best for you and your children. The feeling will pass!!
The other afternoon I had a random panic attack (I'm not prone to them at all). Like something was going to come barreling through the door at me. I keep looking outside and watching the clock. I couldn't concentrate worth anything. I had no idea why.
The next day when I wondered what I would have been doing at a certain time when I was back with XABF it hit me. At the same time I had that panic attack, he would normally have been coming home from work, out of money from his allowance and payday not until the next day, he would have been out of beer, out of money and ready to pick a fight with me. I remembered the feeling of not wanted to be there when he got home and wishing I could be anywhere else. Just because he's far from me doesn't mean my body doesn't remember what that day of the week and time of the day really means.
The feeling of fear and uncertainty manifests itself in many ways. Don't let that stop you from the things you know are best for you and your children. The feeling will pass!!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello wife2kids-
when you feel out-of-control, just keep turning it over to your HP.
i find it useful to remind myself:
"i am powerless over alcohol and believe that a power higher than myself can restore me to sanity"
surrender and the strength will come to you.
i'm with alice, when i first went "on the move", i felt a sort of panic set in. in my case, i was heading to america, with a small backpack. i didn't know if i would stay in america, if i would come back to the uk. i didn't know anything except that i had had enough and if i stayed where i was, i was going to go crazy.
the peace came when i surrendered and turned it over. surrender isn't something that's done once, it's done over and over, minute by minute. as i surrendered, i could literally feel strength and encouragement coming to me. there was this feeling that everything was going to be alright. all i needed to do was keep my sight clear and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
clear thought to you,
naive
when you feel out-of-control, just keep turning it over to your HP.
i find it useful to remind myself:
"i am powerless over alcohol and believe that a power higher than myself can restore me to sanity"
surrender and the strength will come to you.
i'm with alice, when i first went "on the move", i felt a sort of panic set in. in my case, i was heading to america, with a small backpack. i didn't know if i would stay in america, if i would come back to the uk. i didn't know anything except that i had had enough and if i stayed where i was, i was going to go crazy.
the peace came when i surrendered and turned it over. surrender isn't something that's done once, it's done over and over, minute by minute. as i surrendered, i could literally feel strength and encouragement coming to me. there was this feeling that everything was going to be alright. all i needed to do was keep my sight clear and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
clear thought to you,
naive
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you ItsMeAlice for sharing this:
That explains it! Yesterday I started shaking and worrying and feeling sick to my stomach. I've had this feeling of impending doom. It was driving me nuts. Until last night, while trying to go to sleep, I jumped out of bed and ran to my calendar on the wall, searching for something. I flipped back a month and finally understood. Because I have made notes on my calendar for the past year or so, to keep track of what he does and says to me and when, I could see very clearly that he rarely if ever goes more than two weeks without trying to contact me; either calling and leaving messages or stopping by unannounced and uninvited.
Of course, now I'm really nervous because I'm anxious and scared that he is going to show up this weekend; and planning on what I should say to him, or if I should say anything at all. I just try to let it go for now.
I frequently had bouts of the shakes ... The other afternoon I had a random panic attack ... Like something was going to come barreling through the door at me. I keep looking outside and watching the clock. I couldn't concentrate worth anything. I had no idea why. The next day ... it hit me. At the same time I had that panic attack, he would normally have been coming home from work, out of money from his allowance and payday not until the next day, he would have been out of beer, out of money and ready to pick a fight with me. I remembered the feeling of not wanted to be there when he got home and wishing I could be anywhere else. Just because he's far from me doesn't mean my body doesn't remember what that day of the week and time of the day really means.
Of course, now I'm really nervous because I'm anxious and scared that he is going to show up this weekend; and planning on what I should say to him, or if I should say anything at all. I just try to let it go for now.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi wife2kids--
sorry in my last post I gave you an extra kid!!! And I'm sure the last thing you need right now is one more person to worry about! ;-)
You're the ship, carrying your life's cargo, and you're going through the storm right now.
Steady as she goes.
Stick to your plan - trust your plan and trust the process- emotions will blow you every which way - but a plan made when thinking rationally can be trusted...
good luck - things will get better!
peace,
b
sorry in my last post I gave you an extra kid!!! And I'm sure the last thing you need right now is one more person to worry about! ;-)
You're the ship, carrying your life's cargo, and you're going through the storm right now.
Steady as she goes.
Stick to your plan - trust your plan and trust the process- emotions will blow you every which way - but a plan made when thinking rationally can be trusted...
good luck - things will get better!
peace,
b
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Learn2Live if he reaches out I advise you see him in a public place. That is , if YOU want to see him.
Its ok to refuse and to say "I do not want to meet at this time". You are no subject to his will or timing. You are the captain !!!!
PS Remember they are known for extra-quacking when they need an enabler and you are no longer there. Don't buy empty words. Look at the past actions and all the chances he has had to 'make it right'.
He has not taken them.
Its ok to refuse and to say "I do not want to meet at this time". You are no subject to his will or timing. You are the captain !!!!
PS Remember they are known for extra-quacking when they need an enabler and you are no longer there. Don't buy empty words. Look at the past actions and all the chances he has had to 'make it right'.
He has not taken them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I have been having the shakes so bad. I am trying to hold it together for the kids. My kids have emotional problems--for those who recall--they are adopted and spent the first year of life with physical but absolutely NO emotion needs met .
Older DS let it out last night and I knew exactly what he was saying because that was me when I was 8 and living at home with my mom. He said I have so much love in my heart for Daddy but he has hurt me so much and made me so sad--but I still love him. Then burst out crying.
I did go to the atty. today and signed on the dotted line and gave him my retainer. He told me that it would take 2 weeks before I could get a court date and in the meantime I needed to figure out how to get home with the kids. I cannot afford the house on my own (well I was trying to--not working) and am happy to move. Anyway, his office just called and said they got a court date for the temporary order for Monday at 3:30.
I am going to the attachment therapist with older DS this afternoon.
Atty. said to call STBXAH and try to talk to him to see if he will coopertate. I tried and it soon deteriorated into him blaming me and saying I could neve love anyone and that he never has hurt anyone. . .quacking as I heard it.
I am having crying jags in between moments of feeling relieved. I am also having--did you just mess up the family--what the f are you doing. But I was in a crying jag (trying to do it quietly) and older DS came in to the bathroom. I just told him I was sorry our family was splitting up and if he needed to be angry at me I would that we would work it out. He reached over and hugged me and said you did not wreck our family Mama. Things will be different but I know you love me and younger DS and always will. Made me cry more but also made me buck up because he is 8 and does not need to take care of me. He and his brother need a strong parent now and that is me.
Process server is server STBXAH shortly after 1:15.
Have to go fill out the financial disclosure form--which will take a bit.
I will check back in.
Thank you all for helping me throughout all of this. My confusion, anger, what seemed like whining and just life in general. I am still a wreck and I look 10 years older today--but hopefully in 6 moinths I will look 5 years younger because life has calmed down.
And as the line in my signature says--and I needed to read it again.
"You can't move forward until you let go of where you are." Unknown
Older DS let it out last night and I knew exactly what he was saying because that was me when I was 8 and living at home with my mom. He said I have so much love in my heart for Daddy but he has hurt me so much and made me so sad--but I still love him. Then burst out crying.
I did go to the atty. today and signed on the dotted line and gave him my retainer. He told me that it would take 2 weeks before I could get a court date and in the meantime I needed to figure out how to get home with the kids. I cannot afford the house on my own (well I was trying to--not working) and am happy to move. Anyway, his office just called and said they got a court date for the temporary order for Monday at 3:30.
I am going to the attachment therapist with older DS this afternoon.
Atty. said to call STBXAH and try to talk to him to see if he will coopertate. I tried and it soon deteriorated into him blaming me and saying I could neve love anyone and that he never has hurt anyone. . .quacking as I heard it.
I am having crying jags in between moments of feeling relieved. I am also having--did you just mess up the family--what the f are you doing. But I was in a crying jag (trying to do it quietly) and older DS came in to the bathroom. I just told him I was sorry our family was splitting up and if he needed to be angry at me I would that we would work it out. He reached over and hugged me and said you did not wreck our family Mama. Things will be different but I know you love me and younger DS and always will. Made me cry more but also made me buck up because he is 8 and does not need to take care of me. He and his brother need a strong parent now and that is me.
Process server is server STBXAH shortly after 1:15.
Have to go fill out the financial disclosure form--which will take a bit.
I will check back in.
Thank you all for helping me throughout all of this. My confusion, anger, what seemed like whining and just life in general. I am still a wreck and I look 10 years older today--but hopefully in 6 moinths I will look 5 years younger because life has calmed down.
And as the line in my signature says--and I needed to read it again.
"You can't move forward until you let go of where you are." Unknown
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