Struggling
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Struggling
Hi, I don't even know how to do this or where to start...I just recently ended the relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years. I love him so much, but I just couldn't do it anymore. He wasn't an everyday drinker so I think I tried to ignore what really was. He's a binge drinker. Once he starts he can't stop. He would hide how much he was drinking from me. Once he started drinking he would get so mean. Usually verbally and emotionally but twice physically. I just popped this past month and couldn't do it anymore and broke up with him. It hurts so much. I love him and I know he is sleeping in his car right now. I am pretty much all he has but I don't have enough energy to be it all anymore. I feel so much guilt for doing this especially because his kids are so upset with him for messing up with me.
He's finally started going to AA and is getting help for his depression. He keeps telling me he wants me back and that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I know he's trying and it hurts so much not to just hold him and take him back because I love him so much. But I can't. I need to be strong for me. and I worry that if i take him back now he'll stop all that's started towards recovery.
I don't know what to do. I appreciate any advice anyone can give me.
He's finally started going to AA and is getting help for his depression. He keeps telling me he wants me back and that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I know he's trying and it hurts so much not to just hold him and take him back because I love him so much. But I can't. I need to be strong for me. and I worry that if i take him back now he'll stop all that's started towards recovery.
I don't know what to do. I appreciate any advice anyone can give me.
Actions not words. In time, if he's serious about recovery, you'll know by his actions that you are okay with letting him back into your life.
You aren't his Mother, and shouldn't be expected to be "all he has".
You aren't his Mother, and shouldn't be expected to be "all he has".
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Thank you Still Waters. I know what I need to do. It just gets so hard! and it's so hard to talk to my family and friends about this. They see me as such a strong person and if they knew how I've allowed him to treat me I would feel so ashamed.
Why do you let him treat you that way? Have you thought about getting some counseling to work some of that out? I too struggle with the "why did I let it go on?, why did I think him treating me badly was okay?" issues.
Partly it was allowing the alcohol to be his excuse. "He acts this way because he's drunk/on pills" if only he were sober this wouldn't happen. Well, he wasn't sober - so why did I make excuses?
Then he got sober, and he STILL treated me badly (and my daughter) and I let it go on AGAIN thinking, "once he gets help it'll get better."
Fact is, I should have left the moment it started. Actions are the proof, and I now know that nothing will ever make my AH become a decent kind and loving man, towards me anyway. His actions sober have been worse than when he was drinking*, because while he was drunk out of his mind they weren't focused on me - he was just...drunk. But not they ARE focused on me, and no one can blame the booze for it.
*I assume he's still not drinking but have no way to know for sure.
What I'm trying to say is this: You need to figure out why it's okay for him to treat you in a way that you feel you have to hide from your family and friends.
Partly it was allowing the alcohol to be his excuse. "He acts this way because he's drunk/on pills" if only he were sober this wouldn't happen. Well, he wasn't sober - so why did I make excuses?
Then he got sober, and he STILL treated me badly (and my daughter) and I let it go on AGAIN thinking, "once he gets help it'll get better."
Fact is, I should have left the moment it started. Actions are the proof, and I now know that nothing will ever make my AH become a decent kind and loving man, towards me anyway. His actions sober have been worse than when he was drinking*, because while he was drunk out of his mind they weren't focused on me - he was just...drunk. But not they ARE focused on me, and no one can blame the booze for it.
*I assume he's still not drinking but have no way to know for sure.
What I'm trying to say is this: You need to figure out why it's okay for him to treat you in a way that you feel you have to hide from your family and friends.
I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. You are strong! You have taken positive steps to take control of your one precious life! That is a show of strength.
Have you tried Al Anon meetings? It is a room of caring people (like us but with real faces )that have been where you are now. They have lived with active alcoholism. Some still do. Some are living with alcoholics that are in recovery.
The amazing thing about alcoholism is that no matter your gender, your drink of choice, your age, or your state of residence the outcome is universal! Lying, manipulating, guilt laying, broken promises, financial and sometimes legal fallout. It affects everyone that is in a relationship with them.
Take care of You!
Have you tried Al Anon meetings? It is a room of caring people (like us but with real faces )that have been where you are now. They have lived with active alcoholism. Some still do. Some are living with alcoholics that are in recovery.
The amazing thing about alcoholism is that no matter your gender, your drink of choice, your age, or your state of residence the outcome is universal! Lying, manipulating, guilt laying, broken promises, financial and sometimes legal fallout. It affects everyone that is in a relationship with them.
Take care of You!
You did the best thing for yourself! let us know how you are doing.. we have all been there...
I was emotionally abused by a binge drinker/alcoholic/whatever and wounds take a lot of time to heal... but they DO heal...
I was emotionally abused by a binge drinker/alcoholic/whatever and wounds take a lot of time to heal... but they DO heal...
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 4
I want to say thank you to everyone who has responded. I am so glad that I came to this site. I am planning on getting some counseling to figure out why I allowed it to happen and I just need to continue to be strong. I've had to ask him to stop calling me or trying to come by and see me because that was making it even harder. Now he just emails to tell me what steps he's taking towards recovery. Thank you for all of the support.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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penguin-
i don't really think that recovery works unless the alcoholic has hit his bottom.
i don't think they can stick to it if they do it for us.
mine quit, like yours, because i left. he went to AA 3 times and then it just fizzled out. they have to really want to be free of alcohol for themselves otherwise, i don't feel they will make it. it's too tough.
i feel you are making the right choice not running back to him now that he has made some small attempts at recovery. probably, if you went back to him, he would stop going and you'd be right back where you were.
there is no rush. if he really is finished drinking, he will be finished with or without you.
give it some time and get on with your own life in the meantime.
naive
i don't really think that recovery works unless the alcoholic has hit his bottom.
i don't think they can stick to it if they do it for us.
mine quit, like yours, because i left. he went to AA 3 times and then it just fizzled out. they have to really want to be free of alcohol for themselves otherwise, i don't feel they will make it. it's too tough.
i feel you are making the right choice not running back to him now that he has made some small attempts at recovery. probably, if you went back to him, he would stop going and you'd be right back where you were.
there is no rush. if he really is finished drinking, he will be finished with or without you.
give it some time and get on with your own life in the meantime.
naive
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