MissFixit

Hi,

I have been thinking about this topic for several days. What are realistic versus unrealistic expectations of others? I know the actual definition, but wondering others' thoughts on practical application of this?

We all have to give and take, so where do you draw the line?

Miss

Still Waters

Expecting to be treated respectfully is a good one.

jaguarpcb

It's realistic to expect someone to behave how they've behaved in the past.

As an example....I can be forgetful. My husband can sometimes get upset at me cuz I'll forget something he told me, or I'll forget to turn off the exhaust fan in the bathroom or turn off a light....he always makes sure I know about it later, which only serves to make me feel guilty. So I've been telling him "Look, I'm forgetful, it's who I am, I don't forget stuff to be mean or make you mad, and I certainly don't do it on purpose, I'm just forgetful, so please stop guilt tripping me about it and acting like I do decide not to turn off the fan just to spite you." OK, I wasn't quite that blunt about it, but that was the gist. I told him it was unfair of him to expect me to have a perfect memory when he knows I just don't.

A few days ago I got really upset with him. He had forgotten something I told him. I told him I felt that he didn't respect me enough to remember, not even things he had specifically asked me, it felt like he asked questions and didn't care what the answers were because he would promptly forget (sometimes in mere minutes), and that sometimes I'd tell him something half a dozen times and he would still forget. I was really hurt about it and we had a really good talk about it and he promised to try harder.

Here's the lesson I figured out a couple days later: I told him that he shouldn't expect me to always remember because I'm forgetful, but I was expecting him to always remember despite knowing that he too is forgetful. It was unrealistic for either of us to expect the other to be different than we've been for the almost 12 years we've known each other.

However, it's perfectly realistic for each of us to expect the other person to call if we're going to be late....that's a well established behavior, and if one of us didn't do so the other would get worried. It's realistic for me to expect him to take care of the house, and for him to expect me to keep my job. These are things we have agreed on, roles we've decided to take on.

It's not realistic for me to expect him to make as much money as I do, or for him to expect me to put in several hours cleaning house after work every day.

When he first quit drinking (or before he quit) it would not have been realistic of me to expect him not to drink. Now that he's been sober for 6 months I'm starting to feel safe expecting sobriety. But that's only because it's becoming an established behavior.

cmc

I suppose that what makes it difficult for me is when either I change, the other person changes or the situation is in some way different than before. As life evolves, my reactions and feelings need to be kept in line with what I know I need for my own serenity.
If I notice repeated actions and/or changing attitudes I'll usually find that I need to make an adjustment about what I am willing to expect or even tolerate.
There are definitely some people who I will never hold expectations for and then some who, happily, have become people that I can now trust. In the latter case, I proceed with caution.

The other scenario I could describe is for those times when I have not yet separated my expectations from what I will or won't tolerate. What I mean by that is those times when I'm blindsided and/or something happens out of the blue.

I'm not sure if I've answered your question...but "where I draw the line" depends on how I am doing and whether or not I can let something go, confront it or remove myself from whatever it is that threatens my peace & safety. I try to keep current with what's going on inside me and around me---but not to the point where I'm always 'on the alert' for trouble. I can rest easy and let things be for the moment until I'm certain of what course to take.

jaguarpcb

This is where I used to stumble a bit when it comes to expectations. It's only realistic to expect to be treated respectfully from someone who has shown they know how to do so. If there's someone in your life who has never treated you with respect, then expecting them to do so only sets yourself up for disappointment.

I want people in my life who treat me respectfully. Those who don't will be shown the door. But a disrespectful person can't be expected to treat someone with respect (how's that for a tongue twister?).

I used to get all bent out of shape when my uncle's wife would treat me disrespectfully. It hurt every time. They got divorced years ago, and I saw her for the first time since then over this past weekend. Now that I have new ideas about what to expect from people I wasn't surprised or hurt at all by the way she treated me.....it's how she's always treated me, how I expect her to treat me because she always has. Previously my expectations were unrealistic.....I expected her to treat me how my other aunts and uncles treated me.

MycoolFitz

We can hold whatever expectations we want, for ourselves or others. What we shouldn't do is equate expectations with demands or control, at least when it comes to other people. One potential diffculty with holding expectations is that they're based on past experience and are projected onto future behaviors, however, we only live in the now, and now doesn't often jive with the past or the future. Additionally, we tend to view the past through overly critical eyes or rose colored glasses and we project into the future our worst fears or greatest hopes,neither of which generally come to fruitation. I think dealing with what we want, need, fear, hope needs as much as possible to be grounded in the now: "What do you expect from me right now?" This is what I need from you right now. We can get so trapped in the past and future we lose out on the moment. Just my thoughts, thank you very much for reading.

ItsmeAlice

I think expectations outside of what is upheld by known laws can only be realistic if they are negotiated. By this I mean that I cannot meet any expectation that I am unaware of. If I do, it is entirely by chance. To harbor any negative feeling because I have not met an expectation you did not make clear, should not fall on me, but always does somehow. You know what I mean?

Nothing irks me more than someone saying they expected me to know something that is far from obvious. Life is trial and error enough.

An example: I asked my friend where she would like me to park my car while I am temporarily housed in her basement. She said she didn't care, anywhere was fine. Now, she says she doesn't care, but I know her, and she always has an opinion, so I asked if I should park on the grass by the basement door. She said no that I should know not to park on the grass because that would cause ruts in the yard. I should park "right here" she said pointing to a specific spot on her gravel drive.

Now, her expectation of me was that I would just "know" where to park. Had I not inquired further and asked her another way, she would have been irritated when I didn't meet her expectation.

I try to check myself when I find I have an expectation that has not been met. If I have a contract or a discussed agreement with the person, then I have a reason to have an expectation and a reason to be irritated. Beyond that, I have to learn to either speak up ahead of time or shut up if someone does not do as I would expect.

Not sure that makes sense. Hope it does.

Alice

sapphire69

This may not exactly be healthy, but I have learned the motto "expectations are premeditated resentments" If I expect something and it doesnt happen then I am disappointed. If I don't exect it and it happens, then I am surprised. I don't expect anything from my AH because I have come to learn that I always get let down when I do.

MissFixit

Thanks. Keep them coming!

I guess I am wondering about trust. How do know you can trust someone? What if you state your truth, they state theirs and them one of you changes? Is this just part of life?

Is anything permanent?

kwigers

That is a deep question: -) Yikes...ha ha It seems it is unrealistic if in any way shape or form I become triggered emotionally by it.
When I expect someone to be or do anything, and become attached to an outcome of them doing, or being something, or some way, then I have a problem...and it really is not about them, although my ego certainly would like me to think it is all about what a jerk they are... NOT TRUE... it is a problem for me to look within myself deeper to find out why I set them up in the first place. or why I am looking to blame another, or why am I wanting a person to be something other than who they are, or a situation to be different than it is...etc...
It is always an inside job!
Much love and light!
~Cheryl

Still Waters

I disagree kwigers, many times I've been lied to or led to believe one thing when another was true. If I'm told by the contractor that the cabinets will be done in August, I have an expectation that they will be done in the month of August. Come to find out, he never had any plans to finish them at all, he simply wanted the percentage up front.

The same holds true in relationships. When we meet and date, we assume we're being told the truth - at least I assume so. I would never think that a person could lie about a career, or a family. But they can and they do.

It takes time being with or around that person to discover lies like these.

So to answer your last question Miss: I don't know. At this point I'm not sure anything or anyone can really be trusted. And how do you have a deep relationship without trust?

I guess, as said above, it simply takes time and by then you're emotionally invested.

brundle

I think truth is truth. It doesn't change or it's a lie. Like cheating is wrong. No one wants to be cheated on; just because some one wants to say 'that's not my truth' that's crap! Truth is truth. If some one breaks that; don't trust them!

It's my experience (after two marraiges to two addicts) they don't tell the truth, they can't be trusted. Just my two cents...

LaTeeDa

No, nothing is permanent. That is what they mean when they say "this too shall pass." It's not just about the bad things, it's about everything.

About trust--the most important thing my therapist taught me was this:

It's not about trusting others, it's about trusting yourself. If you trust yourself, you don't need to worry about expectations. You know what's acceptable in your life and what isn't. And you trust yourself to make the right decisions regarding who and what you allow in your life. You can allow others to be exactly who they are, whether or not they are a part of your life. You decide. And you trust yourself enough to know that the decision you make about it will be in your own best interest.

L

Freedom1990

The only constants in my life are God and change.

TakingCharge999

Wow MissFixIt gets metaphysical.

I guess Miss that it depends on how a person changes. I believe its a spiral that can go downward or upward.

One person changes for bad, and the other person has 2 options, follow the downward spiral or get out.

The important thing for me is to share the change I want for myself with someone who is also improving in their own way - you can both then be motivated and inspired by each other.

When you are down, the other will give you his hand, and when the other is down you will be able to "pull" him too. That to me is a healthy relationship

We are all changing but if we share the same objectives (more love, more joy, health, $ to live well, a closer relationship to God/HP) it is an enjoyable trip, not something to be afraid of. And the affection you have for the other person is permanent - well - "permanent" until your last day on Earth.

My 2 idealistic cents

sapphire69

I believe that trust is earned not an expectation. If you are continually told the truth, then you can trust someone, however this comes from a person who does not trust easily. I also seem to remember a quote of "if an alcoholic's lips are moving, they are lying"

Learn2Live

Oh, that's an easy one for me because I have ALWAYS had expectations of every one that were WAY too high. Here's how I know when I am not being realistic:

If what someone else does or doesn't do makes me so angry that I in some way lose control of myself (like so stressed out I smoke, or scream or yell, or otherwise behave in a way I do not like) then I know my expectations of that person are too high.

MissFixit

Thanks.

I wonder if these are things that "healthy" people knew already.

Learn2Live

Hey MissFixIt. I believe that "healthy" people do already know these things.

I really have only known TWO men in my life who I would consider "healthy" as respects what most of us talk about here on SR. And they have taught me a lot about what is healthy and what is not. I think it is because of their biology (no mental illness or other emotional issues) and their upbringing (good relationships with good dads). I really wish more people were like them.

I speak only about men because that's where I have most of my difficulties. I have known healthy women, too, but less problems. Not saying only men are unhealthy.

GiveLove

Yep. That.

I trust my husband because he doesn't lie (to anyone - ever.) But that's not the same as saying, "now that you've said X, Y, and Z about yourself, you're not allowed to change your mind or rethink your life, ever."

He may decide some day that he wants a wife who's able to have kids, or may want to live alone, or may want to join a Swedish rock band, or may decide he wants to dress in women's clothing, or may want to take up drinking and become an alcoholic. There may be things about himself that HE doesn't even know yet. He's working on a mid-life crisis right now and it's anybody's guess how it will play out in the end.

None of it matters - today, here, now, I trust him to be honest with me, so I always know where I stand -- and I know he's strong enough to do that, even if it frightens me, even if it makes me sad. Tomorrow, if his life takes him somewhere else, I'll worry about what to do in response -- and I trust myself to make the right choices to steer myself back to happiness as quickly as possible.

That kind of inner trust is really freeing, because it lets me really enjoy today 100%. And it means that I no longer rely on anyone to be some kind of museum piece that never changes...

But hey: You know that expression "the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior?" Trusting someone who has never been honest, or trustworthy, or had any integrity, or is too cowardly to tell you how he really feels, is not something I'll do any longer. Those rose-colored glasses have come off long ago, and they're never going back on.