daisylady

Feeling sad today-even though I just gave my AH another chance to stay at our house under the conditions he goes to AA meetings, stays sober (and if I see one sign of use he is gone) and sees his therapist, I feel like I should have just made him get his own place. Even though he is trying by going to meetings I feel like I have nothing more to give. I feel so spent.

I just am so much happier without him there. I kicked him out for a week not too long ago and it was so peaceful. I can have a beer, get a baby sitter, go hang out with my friends, I could even plan a weekend trip with the girls or go to VEGAS for a few days and not feel guilty!!!

I am just so afraid of being alone, being lonely, being a single mom, not following through on my "better or worse" commitment, not finding anyone else to spend my life with, not having any more children, losing my house because of the loss of one income, not being married, not raising my son with a mommy and daddy in the same house like I had growing up, not being with the person I thought was perfect for me. Every time his addiction rears its ugly head, I lose myself and have to start all over with my codependcy issues and it is so hard finding me again. It is especially hard this time because we have a new baby, 3 months old.

Even if he stays sober I don't know if I will want to be with him. I don't even know if I am in love with him anymore. I look at him and feel ashamed for him, disappointed and disgusted. How do you look at your baby's face and snort a line of cocaine 30 minutes later? How do I love someone that could do that? Is that really who I fell in love with? The person that uses drugs with our baby in the house? Why do I want to be with someone like that? Do I have no standards?

I know what I need to do, and I know I will do it when I am ready and every time he uses I keep thinking I AM READY, but then I let him back in. I know I am not in love with the addict, I am in love with someone who doesn't exsist right now, maybe not ever again.

I just want my son to be safe and I feel like a bad Mom right now. I am letting this addict live in my house and I am praying that he can stay sober. There is so much that is wrong with that picture. I see a new therapist next week and plan on going to Alanon Monday; hopefully I will get some direction from that.

Just venting, would love to hear if anyone shares the same thoughts/feelings.

MsPINKAcres

((daisy))

It is a tough place to be - wanting to be out but not yet feeling the ability to walk away - I lived in that "in between" for a few yrs - then finally as so many of us experience - I had my "aha" moment.

I had prayed for over a yr - "God, I'm ready to go, ready to walk away, please let me know when it is time." and something happened - At that moment in time - I knew without a single doubt - I KNEW. Every fiber of my being knew it was time.

It has been almost a yr since that happened and some of the things that you dread HAS happened to me - but it has been worth it all.

TO live Happy, Joyous and Free from active addiction - it is so worth it FOR ME.

Daisy, this is my story, my path, my recovery - I would encourage you to seek your story, your path and your recovery - thru a HP of your understanding. Ask for guidance, and the strength and courage to follow the path that is best for YOU.

That way - no matter what you do - YOU can have PEACE on the inside - regardless of what storms you face on the outside!!

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita

Ann

When I read your thread, I see a woman who already has some good recovery in place, although it may not feel like it right now. Taking your time until you feel more certain is sometimes better than moving faster than your head and heart can keep up with. Doing nothing is an action when it is a decision made to wait until you are ready for the next step, whatever it may be. Sometimes making a plan of what you would do should this relationship go south, will help you to be prepared, even if you never need to enact the plan.

Going to meetings will help you more than you know. It is often suggested to try a few different meetings until you find the one that fits just right, and to go to at least 6 or 8 meetings to give yourself a chance to adjust. I know that, for me, meetings saved my life and my soul.

Something that may be of concern is the safety of your child. Until your husband has more clean time under his belt, I don't think I would leave this child alone in his care. This would apply to any adult that is not capable of behaving responsibly and should your husband relapse, that would be the case.

Keep doing what you need to do to look after yourself and your child and time will give you the answers you seek.

Hugs

winnie12

wow darling this is a lot to be afraid of! now i've felt most of these feelings at some time or another and have actually experienced some of these things but i can tell you one thing - none of these things was worse then what i was going through. As little girls we imagine and dream of what our life will be, that happy little family, the kids the loving husband... somewhere along the way it just didnt happen and we ended up with something we never expected, wanted, or deserved. At some point i think we gain acceptance for what we do have - what our life really is. then we can take control of it.

Being alone does not have to mean being lonely.
Being a single mom can be better then being a crazy stressed out mom.
Being raised by one stable parent can be better then two when addiction is involved.
Being broke can be better than living in fear.

Its not that your dreams for the "happily ever after" have to completely die its just that sometimes they change and become more realistic.

outtolunch

Just a few random thoughts, here....

Learning to enjoy your own company eliminates lonliness.

Your better or worse commitment did not include a cocaine addiction, did it?

None of us know what the future holds. This ranges from realizing that your husband is an addict to meeting someone new, some day.

Being in a miserable relationship cannot compare to being at peace with yourself.

Many people commit/marry believing that their partner is perfect, for them, that their partner somehow completes them. There is no such thing as someone being perfect for them. The best fit five- ten years ago may not be the right fit, now. So much depends on if both parties have their oars in the water and are rowing in the same direction.

When two people go in different directions, something has to give.

Sounds like you are hanging on to your fantasy of a traditional family. Reality is challenging this on every front.

Take responsibility for yourself and your own outcome. Love yourself enough to do so, at your own pace. No fair looking back on what once was. That was then. This is now.

daisylady

Thank you for all your responses, I think you are all right, I am not living in reality and I am SO in denial. I am hanging onto what "could be" if he got sober and what "what was" when he was sober and we were happy. By living in the past and the unforeseen future I am letting him control my life and choosing how I live. I also think I am hanging onto the thought of a traditional family because that is what I had. I do want my life to be some version of "happily ever after" even though I logically know that is NOT REALITY.. but hey a girl can dream right? Damn those fairytales! LOL! ; ) j/k

I just know that when and if our marriage does end, I will need time to grieve for the loss of my marriage, my friend (at one time) and my 8 year relationship. I know I will be able to move on, when it is the right time.

Logically, I do know there is someone else there that would make a good fit for me and it wouldn't be the end of the world if I spent the rest of my life single. I am not one of those people that believes in "soulmates," or that there is only one perfect (ok, maybe perfect IS a strong word...)fit for each person. Also, I have never been someone who ever thought anyone else "completes" me (that was such a cheesy line Jerry Maguire!!), but I guess that is how I am acting. I just used to be so independent and somewhere along the way I lost me in my crazy marriage.

I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason. I really think I had my son to help me get out of this mess. I am SO MUCH less tolerant than I was before he was born. Before him, I would have never kicked my AH out or given him any boundaries I expected him to follow, let alone be following through with them!

Even if my AH does get sober I wonder if it will ever work. Our relationship is so damaged. No trust and no faith; I am just hanging on to "what could be" by dental floss at this point.

Thanks for the reality check. I needed it. Once again, I love this site.

tjp613

What would you do if you had nothing to fear?

daisylady

I'd probably already be gone. : (

tjp613

Then push thru the fear and do what your heart says is right.

smacked

Just read that over, and over again.