my best friend my boyfriend and the addict
Then the bird said 'Nevermore'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 116
my best friend my boyfriend and the addict :wtf2hello there.... just wanted to post my situation and see if there was anyone out there with any advice or anything to give me! i have a very close friend who has a history of alcoholism and drug abuse from a very young age. we met about a year ago. our personalities matched very well and we were able to become very close very fast. after spending more time with him it was very clear that he still had a very serious drug abuse problem at the time. (opiates: oxys) his history includes a series of different drugs, quitting one to pick up another.
after a small intervention he agreed to go into a week detox program. after returning home he told me that for the first two weeks he told me that he self medicated with subs. he tells me that now he doesnt need them but does rely on tylenol pm to go to sleep. he honestly looks and acts like a different person, all in a good way. about a month ago he asked me to be his girlfriend. i said yes. he had always been very sweet to me and i had always felt for him as more than a friend because i felt that i could see the great person he was without the drug use. i was glad that he had felt well enough to make a change in his life and to move forward with me and his relationship - i never pressured him but it was clear how i felt.
because of his drug use he had really secluded himself from friendships and relationships. his last relationship was about 5 years ago. since we have been together, only a month, i have realized his selfishness. not returning phone calls, not calling at all. when i bring it up - non aggressively (i hate fighting) he becomes a little defensive saying it is just the way that he is, not to be so sensitive that it is nothing to do with me. that its crazy to say he doesnt care just because he doesnt have his phone on him all the time. i have told him that a relationship is a compromise, not solely about one person or the other. i have told him that i would like to speak to him once a day that i do not think it is much to ask! i have tried to explain to him basic fundamentals of a relationship - and it is honestly pathetic that i would even feel the need to, but for some reason i just dont think he gets it? or even cares maybe? i believe it to be his history of drug use and pushing others away that still shows up and allows him to think it is alright to treat me this way. he has only needed to think about himself and his drugs for so long.
i feel that in a relationship the most important aspects are trust and honesty. a couple weeks ago i was on the phone with him while he ran into a friend. they began discussing going to a meeting together. when he got back on the phone with me i said that it was great that he was going to go to a meeting. and he stated that oh ive been to a bunch of meetings. i had no idea - why would he not have told me?
to be honest, there have been a few times that we have hung out that he acts like the same guy i first met. disappearing for an hour, then returning just to fall asleep 30 seconds into a movie. nodding off and basically f*ed up. i do NOT know how to express to him that i am not stupid! that it is obvious. i do not want him to think i am attacking him. i want him to be honest and if he is using, to tell me that he is. i do not know weather it is his fear that i will go away if he tells me he is... or if he even cares if i do? i know that drugs make addicts become completely selfish, and it is hard not to take it personal.
i care about him very very much - but i find that some of his actions do not make me happy and i do deserve to be in a happy relationship. i dont know if there is anyone out there that may be able to decode some of his behavior? be honest.. am i just putting myself through something completely ridiculous by getting involved? or am i being the selfish one..
after a small intervention he agreed to go into a week detox program. after returning home he told me that for the first two weeks he told me that he self medicated with subs. he tells me that now he doesnt need them but does rely on tylenol pm to go to sleep. he honestly looks and acts like a different person, all in a good way. about a month ago he asked me to be his girlfriend. i said yes. he had always been very sweet to me and i had always felt for him as more than a friend because i felt that i could see the great person he was without the drug use. i was glad that he had felt well enough to make a change in his life and to move forward with me and his relationship - i never pressured him but it was clear how i felt.
because of his drug use he had really secluded himself from friendships and relationships. his last relationship was about 5 years ago. since we have been together, only a month, i have realized his selfishness. not returning phone calls, not calling at all. when i bring it up - non aggressively (i hate fighting) he becomes a little defensive saying it is just the way that he is, not to be so sensitive that it is nothing to do with me. that its crazy to say he doesnt care just because he doesnt have his phone on him all the time. i have told him that a relationship is a compromise, not solely about one person or the other. i have told him that i would like to speak to him once a day that i do not think it is much to ask! i have tried to explain to him basic fundamentals of a relationship - and it is honestly pathetic that i would even feel the need to, but for some reason i just dont think he gets it? or even cares maybe? i believe it to be his history of drug use and pushing others away that still shows up and allows him to think it is alright to treat me this way. he has only needed to think about himself and his drugs for so long.
i feel that in a relationship the most important aspects are trust and honesty. a couple weeks ago i was on the phone with him while he ran into a friend. they began discussing going to a meeting together. when he got back on the phone with me i said that it was great that he was going to go to a meeting. and he stated that oh ive been to a bunch of meetings. i had no idea - why would he not have told me?
to be honest, there have been a few times that we have hung out that he acts like the same guy i first met. disappearing for an hour, then returning just to fall asleep 30 seconds into a movie. nodding off and basically f*ed up. i do NOT know how to express to him that i am not stupid! that it is obvious. i do not want him to think i am attacking him. i want him to be honest and if he is using, to tell me that he is. i do not know weather it is his fear that i will go away if he tells me he is... or if he even cares if i do? i know that drugs make addicts become completely selfish, and it is hard not to take it personal.
i care about him very very much - but i find that some of his actions do not make me happy and i do deserve to be in a happy relationship. i dont know if there is anyone out there that may be able to decode some of his behavior? be honest.. am i just putting myself through something completely ridiculous by getting involved? or am i being the selfish one..
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
My dear, I am sorry to be blunt but it honestly sounds like a case of he is "just not that into you." It goes above and beyond addiction into how he is treating you as a person. Is the way he is treating you acceptable? If he's not treating you the way you want a boyfriend to treat you, then who cares if he is using or not? What does it matter the reason for the uncaring attitude. His lack of common decency to you is enough of a reason to get away from him.
It's true that addicts are selfish, and it's also true that addicts in early recovery are still very selfish, but this relationship isn't established to the point where he's just "going through a selfish phase."
In my opinion, don't waste your youth on this guy. There are others out there who will treat you better. Look for someone without addiction. Relationships are enough of a challenge without that added in.
Love,
KJ (an addict)
It's true that addicts are selfish, and it's also true that addicts in early recovery are still very selfish, but this relationship isn't established to the point where he's just "going through a selfish phase."
In my opinion, don't waste your youth on this guy. There are others out there who will treat you better. Look for someone without addiction. Relationships are enough of a challenge without that added in.
Love,
KJ (an addict)
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, glad you found us but hate you had to. welcome.
i agree with kj. sorry to tell you but loving an addict is a very painful life. read around the board, keep posting and read the stickies at the top of the page, there is a lot of good info three. there are a lot of loving friends here who want to walk with you and to share their wisdom, so please stick around.
nothing you can say or do to change an addict, he has to do that for himself. keeping you and yours in my prayers
i agree with kj. sorry to tell you but loving an addict is a very painful life. read around the board, keep posting and read the stickies at the top of the page, there is a lot of good info three. there are a lot of loving friends here who want to walk with you and to share their wisdom, so please stick around.
nothing you can say or do to change an addict, he has to do that for himself. keeping you and yours in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
summer - I am just leaving where you are entering after 4 years of hell (basically). The difference is my xagf hid her "habit" from me so well I didn't know until after a year and then I was already "hooked". I never understood why she fell asleep so easily, didn’t return my calls, cancelled a lot. Then she'd do just the right thing for just long enough to keep me engaged, trying to make the relationship work, to help her change into the person she cried to me that she wanted to be. Sometimes I think I was fighting just to get her to treat me with respect. She even went to couples counseling with me a few times and several different counselors herself. Sadly she never followed thru with anything and thanks to SR I realized a lot of things.
First and foremost is that you NEED to listen to their ACTIONS, NOT THEIR words. She was great at telling me just what I needed to hear to keep me in the game. Here action rarely supported it but I didn’t want to accept that as truth so I clung to her words. I am having a hell of a time now mentally freeing myself from this mess and I haven’t seen or talked to her in a month. As I look back and acknowledge the truth of what we had (not the fantasy I made up in my head because I wanted to believe her, to make a good relationship, and help her) I am literally made sick. When I think about all the times she lied to me, treated me with no respect at all, and basically manipulated the hell out me it blows me away. I got totally pulled into her world of drama and chaos. I damn near lost my mind. I started tolerating very poor treatment (like not calling when she said she would, not showing up for plans or cancelling at the last minute....then I would actually question myself if I was over reacting like she said I was.
This is my experience. It sounds harsh, and it is. Please be careful and read all the stickies here. Read my other threads
(http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...xperience.html) and everyone else’s. Even if they are “clean”, the recovery from the way of life (lies, manipulation, deception, and secrecy) can take years and years to change if ever. Are you sure that is what you want to devote yourself too? Sorry to be blunt, I just
First and foremost is that you NEED to listen to their ACTIONS, NOT THEIR words. She was great at telling me just what I needed to hear to keep me in the game. Here action rarely supported it but I didn’t want to accept that as truth so I clung to her words. I am having a hell of a time now mentally freeing myself from this mess and I haven’t seen or talked to her in a month. As I look back and acknowledge the truth of what we had (not the fantasy I made up in my head because I wanted to believe her, to make a good relationship, and help her) I am literally made sick. When I think about all the times she lied to me, treated me with no respect at all, and basically manipulated the hell out me it blows me away. I got totally pulled into her world of drama and chaos. I damn near lost my mind. I started tolerating very poor treatment (like not calling when she said she would, not showing up for plans or cancelling at the last minute....then I would actually question myself if I was over reacting like she said I was.
This is my experience. It sounds harsh, and it is. Please be careful and read all the stickies here. Read my other threads
(http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...xperience.html) and everyone else’s. Even if they are “clean”, the recovery from the way of life (lies, manipulation, deception, and secrecy) can take years and years to change if ever. Are you sure that is what you want to devote yourself too? Sorry to be blunt, I just
Last edited by IPT; 08-05-2009 at 12:26 AM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
Hi and Welcome!
I know what you are going through is hard, and feel that you should keep educating yourself on addiction and what your role plays in the illness (codependency). Also know that an opiate addiction takes ALOT more then a week of detox, and he needs to follow up on meetings and or an out patient program. I feel that he is really not able to focus on a relationship and needs to focus on his sobriety. Asking him to call you everyday and asking him to work on a relationship with you is really not a wise thing right now because he has much bigger issues to work on. If you really care for him, tell him he needs to work on his sobriety and you need to take a step back. But I hate to be extra salt on the wound, I have to agree with other comments as, he might not be into you. Though we are basing this on your post, and there may be more to the story then we know.
From the outside looking in, you mentioned that your personalities matched... oh, does that sound familiar because the addict and the codependent have so much in common.
I know what you are going through is hard, and feel that you should keep educating yourself on addiction and what your role plays in the illness (codependency). Also know that an opiate addiction takes ALOT more then a week of detox, and he needs to follow up on meetings and or an out patient program. I feel that he is really not able to focus on a relationship and needs to focus on his sobriety. Asking him to call you everyday and asking him to work on a relationship with you is really not a wise thing right now because he has much bigger issues to work on. If you really care for him, tell him he needs to work on his sobriety and you need to take a step back. But I hate to be extra salt on the wound, I have to agree with other comments as, he might not be into you. Though we are basing this on your post, and there may be more to the story then we know.
From the outside looking in, you mentioned that your personalities matched... oh, does that sound familiar because the addict and the codependent have so much in common.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
You sound like a very sincere and intelligent person. From the things you mentioned in your post, it sounds like you already have a very realistic insight concerning this relationship. I think you just need someone to make it okay for you to step back.
I can tell you have strong feelings for this person and it will be hard to do that. But please believe the people who have responded to your post by telling you that life with an addict is much harder.
Please read the sticky at the top of this forum, "What Addicts Do". It will help you see how they think, and how displaced their values are. Recovery takes a long time. Just removing the drug from someone's system doesn't change them overnight. They have to learn to undo the behavior patterns they learned when using.
It sounds like you're on the verge of falling into a "big ole" codependency trap. Please educate yourself, and rethink your feelings for this person. You can still be a friend while protecting yourself from some serious heartache.
Keep reading and keep posting and know that the people here really do care.
I can tell you have strong feelings for this person and it will be hard to do that. But please believe the people who have responded to your post by telling you that life with an addict is much harder.
Please read the sticky at the top of this forum, "What Addicts Do". It will help you see how they think, and how displaced their values are. Recovery takes a long time. Just removing the drug from someone's system doesn't change them overnight. They have to learn to undo the behavior patterns they learned when using.
It sounds like you're on the verge of falling into a "big ole" codependency trap. Please educate yourself, and rethink your feelings for this person. You can still be a friend while protecting yourself from some serious heartache.
Keep reading and keep posting and know that the people here really do care.
Then the bird said 'Nevermore'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 116
Thank you. I do appreciate all of your advice. I am not completely one sided. I do have a clear head to all of these things, but for some reason although i do understand them all, i do not want to accept them i think?
theres a strong side of me, what i am learning is my codependency, that says to stick it out... another day, another week, he'll come around. he'll put the drugs and his addictions aside and realize what he truly wants from his life is sobriety and to step out from behind these walls he has built up. and i so badly want to be standing there with him when he does.
the other side of me says strongly to shutup! that the other side is soooo wrong, that i am stupid for staying a day longer and that i need to move on! get myself out of this relationship while i am still in the beginning. it has been too stressful already for me! ups and downs that seem to be never ending. a wicked roller coaster and i am terrified of heights.
i wonder what my breaking point will be?
theres a strong side of me, what i am learning is my codependency, that says to stick it out... another day, another week, he'll come around. he'll put the drugs and his addictions aside and realize what he truly wants from his life is sobriety and to step out from behind these walls he has built up. and i so badly want to be standing there with him when he does.
the other side of me says strongly to shutup! that the other side is soooo wrong, that i am stupid for staying a day longer and that i need to move on! get myself out of this relationship while i am still in the beginning. it has been too stressful already for me! ups and downs that seem to be never ending. a wicked roller coaster and i am terrified of heights.
i wonder what my breaking point will be?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by summer017 
that says to stick it out... another day, another week, he'll come around. he'll put the drugs and his addictions aside and realize what he truly wants from his life is sobriety and to step out from behind these walls he has built up. and i so badly want to be standing there with him when he does.
i wonder what my breaking point will be?
i wonder what my breaking point will be?
After the first year my life has become hell and trying to reclaim it is the hardest thing I have ever done. You are hearing this from a person who owns multiple real estate properties, runs a different business, and has friends who are literally bewildered that I deal with this in any capacity (and have felt that way for years. Though they all listened to me and gave me the right to make my choices even though they couldn’t believe the choices I made and told me so). I have literally told them many, many times, “I guess I need to get beat up (figuratively) one more time to prove that I’ve had enough”. I have my life together, come from a healthy family. I think that made it all the more reason I wanted to help her get to that place of wellbeing. What happened instead is that I got pulled into a world of chaos, drama, and dysfunction. It is so easy to get pulled in and you don’t even see it happening!
You are a human who has the right to make her own decisions. I CANNOT try any harder to encourage you to let go now. Trust me, YOU DO NOT WANT TO FIND OUT WHERE YOUR BREAKING POINT IS. If you are s
trong like me it is way farther down the road to hell (actually IN HELL) than you ever want to go.
I hope I am not overstepping my boundaries for this site in being so upfront and expressive. If so I apologize, delete the post. I just know what I am going through and do not wish it on anyone… please listen to what I am saying….
Then the bird said 'Nevermore'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 116
IPT: you are not overstepping at all. i sincerely appreciate it and it is all exactly what i need to hear. we have much in common. and as you said your friends listen and give you advice as well as the space to make your own decisions. as my friends do, stating 'i think you know what you need to do' countless times they have heard me vent about the same things over and over again, AND ONLY ONE MONTH IN. so pathetic on my part, really.
thank you again.
thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Imagine that there isnt a substance/alcohol abuse problem.
Now look at your relationship with this person. One month in you already have resentments and anger about you giving and he isnt giving back to you. You are making requests and he isnt following through. You have made it known that you would like to communicate more often and he says its just the way he is.
When I look at those statements from your post it sounds to me that he isnt willing or able to give you the things you want and need. AND ITS ONLY BEEN A MONTH. I seriously would beat feet.
The first couple of months or even year is the honeymoon period. A time where you cant get enough of each other. A time where you want to give this person the world. A time when both parties are putting on their BEST faces in order to impress.
This dude isnt even trying at this point. So regardless of his addiction situation HE is NOT worth your time and effort.
I know its sad and hard but really cut your small losses now and move on. I think someone put it on a previous reply "he's just not that into you". Don't take it personally. Either you feel it or you dont. Go after what you want and deserve. You will find it just not with this guy (from the way it sounds).
Now look at your relationship with this person. One month in you already have resentments and anger about you giving and he isnt giving back to you. You are making requests and he isnt following through. You have made it known that you would like to communicate more often and he says its just the way he is.
When I look at those statements from your post it sounds to me that he isnt willing or able to give you the things you want and need. AND ITS ONLY BEEN A MONTH. I seriously would beat feet.
The first couple of months or even year is the honeymoon period. A time where you cant get enough of each other. A time where you want to give this person the world. A time when both parties are putting on their BEST faces in order to impress.
This dude isnt even trying at this point. So regardless of his addiction situation HE is NOT worth your time and effort.
I know its sad and hard but really cut your small losses now and move on. I think someone put it on a previous reply "he's just not that into you". Don't take it personally. Either you feel it or you dont. Go after what you want and deserve. You will find it just not with this guy (from the way it sounds).
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by summer017
IPT: as my friends do, stating 'i think you know what you need to do' countless times they have heard me vent about the same things over and over again, AND ONLY ONE MONTH IN. so pathetic on my part, really.
thank you again.
thank you again.
It never happend...and now I am realing with pain over the lost time, lost connections, destruction of my hopes and dreams for us..as well as dealing with the feeling of being used and lied to. I question myself as to why I stayed so long, tolerated so little when my friends around me had much healthier relationships and I knew it was possible. There were plenty of signs to go and I ignored them because of my ego and heart. It is NOT a fun place to be now and if I would have listened to my rational mind I could have avoided a lot of pain.
Then the bird said 'Nevermore'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 116
i dont know how to say goodbye without feeling that i could have been stronger, could have given more. and i see that that is actually my problem right there. i shouldnt even have put myself in the position to feel this way....? right?
i am so not good at this.
i am so not good at this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by summer017
i dont know how to say goodbye without feeling that i could have been stronger, could have given more. and i see that that is actually my problem right there. i shouldnt even have put myself in the position to feel this way....? right?
i am so not good at this.
i am so not good at this.
The fact is it takes a stronger person to say goodbye and take care of yourself. Seems to me like you HAVE given more, but he has not, and you're right...at one month you shouldn't even be dealing with these things or feelings.
I personally am so deep into it I cannot have any contact or I WILL BE PULLED BACK IN. You may be able to revert back to friends for now and see what his actions are. Odds are after a while you won't like what you see and you'll be glad for your decision to get distance. Another choice would be to set firm boudaries clear to both you and him as to what you need in a relationship (ie. to have contact daily, your calls answered or returned in an appropriate amt of time, to see him x amt of days a week). That is not controlling him or trying to change him in anyway, just expressing WHAT YOU NEED and expect of a partner. If it is anything like what I had you will quickly find that your needs are not being meet and the boundaries tested or ignored. The decision is then easier to make for you. Just do NOT make the mistake of giving second chances, hoping it will change, or making exceptions. That is what I did....for years, and it cost me in more ways than I can explain. You desreve to be treated well and it is soooo easy to get wrapped up in fighting for respectful treatment from someone and you should never have to do that.
The truth is once I finally learned about boundaries, and getting what I needed it was way late in my relationship. I had enabled a lot without even knowing I was and I was also sucked into the whole dysfunctional push/pull dance. Still, ignored boundaries is what caused me to finally make the first big break. She left one morning telling me she would call and be back later. By 11PM that night I had not heard a thing. I had made myself clear I was not going to be in a relationship where I was treated like that anymore...and I ended it. It was clear that she was just not able, or willing to to respect me or my needs. Unfortuantely with our history she was able to real me back in again in subsequent weeks and it all started over again....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Summer
the sad thing is you can NEVER DO enough or Be enough or have enough or give enough.........
He is a drug addict, one who very early on isnt treating you as you should be treated
Your not going to be able to fix it and honestly many of us have learned that the LONG HARD way.........
Its a month and you feel this bad......think how you will feel down the road, or if you brought kids into a life like this...........
I rarely say run, get out while you can but this time thats my honest suggestion.
We all wanted to be that person they could count on, that person that would change their lives...........but the fact is NOONE can change them except themselves.
Stick around read all that you can..........
best wishes to you
the sad thing is you can NEVER DO enough or Be enough or have enough or give enough.........
He is a drug addict, one who very early on isnt treating you as you should be treated
Your not going to be able to fix it and honestly many of us have learned that the LONG HARD way.........
Its a month and you feel this bad......think how you will feel down the road, or if you brought kids into a life like this...........
I rarely say run, get out while you can but this time thats my honest suggestion.
We all wanted to be that person they could count on, that person that would change their lives...........but the fact is NOONE can change them except themselves.
Stick around read all that you can..........
best wishes to you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by summer017
i dont know how to say goodbye without feeling that i could have been stronger, could have given more. and i see that that is actually my problem right there. i shouldnt even have put myself in the position to feel this way....? right?
i am so not good at this.
i am so not good at this.
It's a new experience and an opportunity to learn from it. Empower yourself and move on. You will feel a whole lot better about yourself, when you do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Summer, I have to thank YOU. My emotions and thoughts got very stirred up trying to help protect YOU from going thru what I did. That really helped ME to see just why I REALLY need to take care of myself and keep my distance from my XAGF. It is the saddest and one of the hardest things I've done but in the end you have reminded just how painful it has been and that ultimately the temporary pain, crushing sadness, and tremndous sense of loss will soon be gone. If I continued on it would just keep playing out over and over again with no end in sight. I am going to go thru this one way or another. I can either do it now, or have ups and downs for who knows how many years and still have to do it down the road after years of more struggles and it won't be any easier then. If anything it'll be even harder and more painful.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by summer017
theres a strong side of me, what i am learning is my codependency, that says to stick it out... another day, another week, he'll come around. he'll put the drugs and his addictions aside and realize what he truly wants from his life is sobriety and to step out from behind these walls he has built up. and i so badly want to be standing there with him when he does.
maybe its time to focus more on you and what you want your future to look like. you think it hurts now, believe me, it can get so much worse. is this what you want life to be like for you in the near future? time to do some thinking. i'm praying for you and for him
Then the bird said 'Nevermore'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 116
yes, i am still here! thank you...
i have felt a lot better. but i have said that before. its a roller coaster and right now we are heading up, looking good. we had a good talk the other night.
my bf not only struggles from addiction but a history of depression. many things have happened in his life that has made him close off and not let others in. when he was younger he was the life of the party, always with many friends, out and about. as his drug addictions progressed and other aspects of his life seemed to be falling apart (father walking out, mothers depression, etc) he began pushing people away and putting up these concrete walls. no longer going out, but staying home, avoiding people by basically becoming nocturnal and having no motivation to make any new relationships, other than that with his drugs. that was years ago. now he works all day and comes home at night. basically focusing on working hard, and recently on sobriety.
i dont know how i got in, i guess i was relentless but i tend to think im the only one who actually cared in a long long time. it takes a lot for him to open up and i have learned a lot about him. learning more everyday. commitment issues and having felt love for a serious girlfriend but never being able to say i love you, in fear of his own insecurities and feeling of low self worth.
i am very close with his mother, who i knew before him, and when i am upset about his actions and what seems to be his complete lack of regard, i am able to talk with her and she is able to lessen the stresses i feel - i mean, who knows him best but his own mother.
my basic concern was i felt that i was not getting enough attention, when i felt that i was giving more - i wanted a balance. i do still want this balance, but not if i have to ask for it. it is somewhat pointless if you have to ask for it. i was not in fear that my bf was out at a party or anything like that, what upset me was that he was home, watching tv home from work, and still not calling or checking in with me. i think a lot of what i was feeling and do continue to feel are my own insecurities.
things for now are moving in a positive direction, as we are able to learn more about each other everyday. i am learning not to set my expectations too high (of which i have a habit of doing) this will help me avoid stress, anger and resentments when expectations are not met. i will also focus more on myself and what is making me happy. having a life outside of my relationship because that is very important to me as well. i am young, and although i am very committed to my relationship, i am learning that my relationship with myself is more important.
as for right now, i am not ready to say goodbye. there is a right time for everything and i THINK that when it is the right time, i will know?
i can control how i treat others. i can control how i REACT to how others treat me. but i cannot control any one else.
Thank you....
i have felt a lot better. but i have said that before. its a roller coaster and right now we are heading up, looking good. we had a good talk the other night.
my bf not only struggles from addiction but a history of depression. many things have happened in his life that has made him close off and not let others in. when he was younger he was the life of the party, always with many friends, out and about. as his drug addictions progressed and other aspects of his life seemed to be falling apart (father walking out, mothers depression, etc) he began pushing people away and putting up these concrete walls. no longer going out, but staying home, avoiding people by basically becoming nocturnal and having no motivation to make any new relationships, other than that with his drugs. that was years ago. now he works all day and comes home at night. basically focusing on working hard, and recently on sobriety.
i dont know how i got in, i guess i was relentless but i tend to think im the only one who actually cared in a long long time. it takes a lot for him to open up and i have learned a lot about him. learning more everyday. commitment issues and having felt love for a serious girlfriend but never being able to say i love you, in fear of his own insecurities and feeling of low self worth.
i am very close with his mother, who i knew before him, and when i am upset about his actions and what seems to be his complete lack of regard, i am able to talk with her and she is able to lessen the stresses i feel - i mean, who knows him best but his own mother.
my basic concern was i felt that i was not getting enough attention, when i felt that i was giving more - i wanted a balance. i do still want this balance, but not if i have to ask for it. it is somewhat pointless if you have to ask for it. i was not in fear that my bf was out at a party or anything like that, what upset me was that he was home, watching tv home from work, and still not calling or checking in with me. i think a lot of what i was feeling and do continue to feel are my own insecurities.
things for now are moving in a positive direction, as we are able to learn more about each other everyday. i am learning not to set my expectations too high (of which i have a habit of doing) this will help me avoid stress, anger and resentments when expectations are not met. i will also focus more on myself and what is making me happy. having a life outside of my relationship because that is very important to me as well. i am young, and although i am very committed to my relationship, i am learning that my relationship with myself is more important.
as for right now, i am not ready to say goodbye. there is a right time for everything and i THINK that when it is the right time, i will know?
i can control how i treat others. i can control how i REACT to how others treat me. but i cannot control any one else.
Thank you....
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by summer017
my basic concern was i felt that i was not getting enough attention, when i felt that i was giving more - i wanted a balance. i do still want this balance, but not if i have to ask for it. it is somewhat pointless if you have to ask for it.
What wrong with asking for what you want? Why does asking diminish the value? He's not a mind reader, is he?
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