NEED HELP with something big

Old 08-04-2009, 02:08 PM
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NEED HELP with something big

A little background: I'm 33, getting married in December of this year. However in 2007 I had a horrible year. I had broken up with my boyfriend of 11 years, lost my job, and started drinking to mask my depression. During that time, I got a DUI, spent 5 days in jail, was dating a very abusive alcoholic and my parents and family watched as all this happened. Before I went to court for my DUI, I got 2 probation breaks for drinking the night before (the courts ask that you come in for random breathalyzing tests between 6 and 9). Obviously I had to tell my family (who live nearby) and they wanted me to go to a treatment center. I told them that I would go to AA and I did for a while, abstaining from alcohol completely.

In December of 07 I had everything behind me, met and fell in love with my fiance and occassionally we will have a glass of wine or two in celebration. Now the wedding is coming up and my family doesn't think I drink at all, but all his friends and family know that I do now and then.

How do I explain to my parents that I am in control now and that 2007 was just a horrible year and that I made mistakes that will never happen again? We would like to have a wedding where we can have a champagne toast and where we don't have to have his friends and family keep this "secret" from my family.
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Old 08-04-2009, 02:24 PM
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well, if you attended AA, then you will know that the cornerstone of recovery is honesty.

why don't you try being honest with your family?

i would imagine that if the DUI was a one-off incident, everyone would understand if two years later you want to be a casual drinker. most adults of western society are casual drinkers and even casual drinkers get themselves into trouble when they drink too much.

all that said, i wouldn't want to drink on my wedding day. i would want to be sober, fresh and at my best.

you don't need alcohol to celebrate, you know. you can have a good time without it. is it worth upsetting your parents over a drink of champagne? i think not, after the worry that they have been through.

why oh why is it such a big deal for you to have a few drinks at your wedding?

to someone who isn't troubled with drink, it's like saying "oh i wish i could have baked mushrooms at my wedding but i can't."

why not tell your parents you have been taking a casual drink and then have sparkling cider for your glass at the toast?

i imagine you will have a better day (and first evening with your husband) if you skip the drink.

just my two cents.

naive
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Old 08-04-2009, 02:26 PM
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No I don't actually care to drink on my wedding day - I'll be nervous enough But I just don't want anyone mentioning that I drink (like his parents) and my parents finding out for the first time.

I'm just scared to tell my parents this b/c at the time I really was bad off and I'm afraid that they won't understand. Scared to death.
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Old 08-04-2009, 02:42 PM
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December is some time away. I agree with the others. Talk to your folks and be honest. "IF" your a drunk like me...everyone will know soon enough.
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Old 08-04-2009, 02:55 PM
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dear worried-

i really don't see anyway out of this situation, other than putting your cards on the table with your parents.

maybe next time you are out to dinner with them, order a glass of wine. that should open up the conversation.

good luck! you'll feel much better once it's out in the open.

naive
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Old 08-04-2009, 04:11 PM
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As the now ex of an alcoholic. If he went through a treatment plan and got himself together and then I sat down for a meal with him and he ordered a beer, I would be thinking "Oh s**t, here we go ahead." I would expect him to tell me how he is a casual drinker now and the last decade of my life was just a rough patch he was going through.

I say that to say this, I can understand your concern. You don't want to see the look on their faces when they find out you've been casually drinking. The year 2007 wasn't exactly the dark ages. I'm sure the DUI and the ensuing jail time, their embarrassment, and their hurt (which are their feelings and their issue of course but from their perspective mind you) are all still near the surface.

I would find it more believable that you have learned to moderate your alcohol and can be in a celebratory situation without going overboard if you brought the subject up in the context of wedding plans. Tell your family you are planning to have alcohol at the wedding, that you are planning a champagne toast, and that you have learned to moderate so you don't see any threat to your sobriety. Then...show them that you can have a glass of wine when out at dinner and walk away.

Actions will always speak louder than words for family. Alcoholics talk the talk but can't always follow through. Show your family between now and December that 2007 was just a rough patch for you and that things are different now. By the time the wedding rolls around, they will be at ease seeing you raise your glass to a toast and there won't be an elephant in the room when you do it.

Congratulations on your engagement!!

Alice
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Old 08-04-2009, 04:50 PM
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Wow itsmealice, awesome!! Yea, what itsmealice said.

Have a wonderful wedding, and one where you are free to be you and enjoy your own wedding, and your family is free too, from fear and shock. :-) Congratulations!!!!!!!!!

love tammy
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Old 08-04-2009, 05:34 PM
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It's not so much a drink at my wedding. I don't care if I toast with water. I just don't want this to be a "secret" anymore or something that they would find out about from his family or friends. The problem is that my mom believes that if I have a drop to drink I'll go back to where I was. (Background: I started drinking casually at age 25 and not before and then 2007 I used it as a crutch which turned into major trouble and I even went ahead and agreed when my family called me an alcoholic). I'm thinking of mentioning it in a casual setting and in a casual way.

For example, if she mentions the wine again for the wedding I could just say "You know things have turned around for me completely since 2007 and I'm very happy. I do enjoy a glass of wine with dinner now and then but it's not a crutch or something I do when I'm depressed, etc." My concern is that she'll go off the deep end and say "But you were/are in AA and you cannot have one drink!"
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Old 08-04-2009, 08:19 PM
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1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
 
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" Then Mom, I am an adult, if it is actually a mistake to drink it is my mistake to make. I can't give or tell you anything more to dispel your fears. I assure you I want what is best for me too. "

If you continue down the path of basing your decisions on people pleasing, specifically your mom, you will have a different issue going into your wedding and your marriage to deal with. worriedalot, you're an adult, about to become a partner. Shouldn't your decision first serve what is healthiest and best for you and your future husband? Your healthy behaviors in action serves others the best in the long run too. Honesty , without worry, order of responsibility in regards to people. Actual healthy behavior. Are you questioning your ability to drink and this is all just to mask the issue or is this about people pleasing mom, as it appears from what you reveal?

Matthew 6:33-34 (New International Version)

33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Can you seek the righteousness of serving yourself and others with honesty? You can't control your mothers reaction with worry. If you truly have no concerns in taking a drink then such a conversation should set you free and give you peace, no matter what mom's reaction is, don't you think?

In my opinion, the best person to be getting support from and running this past is your future husband. Your behavior and decision in this matter effects and impacts him too.

love tammy

Last edited by MeHandle; 08-04-2009 at 08:47 PM.
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Old 08-05-2009, 07:15 AM
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The worse truth is better than a lie. Why it is so hard to tell the truth? I don't understand people who lie and complicate their lives with it. How can you lie to people you love and they love you? If you're an adult and you take responsibilities for yourself, you just go out there and tell the truth. Sooner - better. It's not: to drink or not to drink. It's: to tell the truth, be an adult responsible person or to hide like a little girl.
I wish you a wonderful wedding and all the happiness after it ;-)
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Old 08-05-2009, 07:57 AM
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When I quit drinking, I began living more honestly than I ever had in my life.. and it it such a freedom.

Sit down with them NOW, you have time to show them that you're 'better' now..

or.. if you really feel it would be best that you not drink at your wedding, but you're just worried someone will say something, you might just mention to them that you haven't actually been following the AA program, you feel you have learned to moderate and have had a glass of wine a few times since '07 as an FYI.

If you truly don't have an issue, it shouldn't be an issue.

Congrats, I hope it goes beautifully!
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