My best friend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Newburgh,NY
Posts: 3
My best friend
I am trying to find out what I need to do to help my friend of 26 years. He and my husband were like brothers. My husband got sick and passed away 6 months ago. My friend and his wife with me and my husband were very close. While my husband was sick our friend came over all the time. After my husband died my friend's wife decided my friend and me couldn't talk anymore if he wanted to stay with her.So we didn't talk for over 4 months.She talked to me but he wasn't allowed. He joined AA but she made it so hard for him because she got jealous of AA. He moved out and 4 days ago we started to talk again, he's doing very well with AA. She found out and now won't leave me or him alone. She calls both of us all the time and not to talk but to YELL and give us ultamanums. My question is how do I help my best friend?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi there,
I'm sorry about your husband. It must be hard to loose your husband and then your friends in such a short time.
You didn't mention anything about your husbands background. If your friend and he were like brothers, were they drinking partners? I ask that because I know someone my age whose husband died of a sudden massive heart attack. He had a drinking problem. She started Al Anon for support after he died. She didn't know what she needed help with more, grief counseling or Al Anon to learn why she had put up with unacceptable behavior for so long. Is your story similar? Had you been living with someone who was drinking? Did you feel your life was unmanageable?
Your friend is taking steps to recover. He has started AA and hopefully has a sponsor to help him work the steps in recovery. It sounds like he has removed himself from a negative environment to begin healing himself from the inside out. As his friend, I'm sure he would appreciate your support. However, his best support will be from other alcoholics who have walked the walk and talked the talk of recovery. It's a difficult path to follow, but so very rewarding to those who make it down that path!
For the friends (you) and family (yourself also if your husband drank) there is Al Anon. Al Anon will help you begin to heal from the ups and downs of living with active alcoholism. It will help you as the friend of an alcoholic to understand how to take better care of your own needs and not try to rescue people from themselves. As you become stronger and better equipped to handle stress without drama (example: friends wife), you will be a better friend to yourself and everyone you know. Try a couple of Al Anon meetings and see for yourself.
Your friends wife is harassing you and him. The only person you can take care of and protect is yourself. Block the calls, block the e-mails. She needs to get into Al Anon and possibly counseling, but it has to be her choice. Maybe she will see how your friend and you are getting healthier and learning to deal with life on lifes terms, without drama, and want what you have.
The three of you have been through a lot together. It is important for all three of you to get the healing you need for you body, mind and spirit. You are only in control of your personal healing. Your friend is responsible for his, he does not need to be rescued. Your friends wife is responsible for her healing, and she would not appreciate being rescued. It's a personal, fulfilling journey that we each take when we choose to begin healing our life.
Best wishes for your journey!
I'm sorry about your husband. It must be hard to loose your husband and then your friends in such a short time.
You didn't mention anything about your husbands background. If your friend and he were like brothers, were they drinking partners? I ask that because I know someone my age whose husband died of a sudden massive heart attack. He had a drinking problem. She started Al Anon for support after he died. She didn't know what she needed help with more, grief counseling or Al Anon to learn why she had put up with unacceptable behavior for so long. Is your story similar? Had you been living with someone who was drinking? Did you feel your life was unmanageable?
Your friend is taking steps to recover. He has started AA and hopefully has a sponsor to help him work the steps in recovery. It sounds like he has removed himself from a negative environment to begin healing himself from the inside out. As his friend, I'm sure he would appreciate your support. However, his best support will be from other alcoholics who have walked the walk and talked the talk of recovery. It's a difficult path to follow, but so very rewarding to those who make it down that path!
For the friends (you) and family (yourself also if your husband drank) there is Al Anon. Al Anon will help you begin to heal from the ups and downs of living with active alcoholism. It will help you as the friend of an alcoholic to understand how to take better care of your own needs and not try to rescue people from themselves. As you become stronger and better equipped to handle stress without drama (example: friends wife), you will be a better friend to yourself and everyone you know. Try a couple of Al Anon meetings and see for yourself.
Your friends wife is harassing you and him. The only person you can take care of and protect is yourself. Block the calls, block the e-mails. She needs to get into Al Anon and possibly counseling, but it has to be her choice. Maybe she will see how your friend and you are getting healthier and learning to deal with life on lifes terms, without drama, and want what you have.
The three of you have been through a lot together. It is important for all three of you to get the healing you need for you body, mind and spirit. You are only in control of your personal healing. Your friend is responsible for his, he does not need to be rescued. Your friends wife is responsible for her healing, and she would not appreciate being rescued. It's a personal, fulfilling journey that we each take when we choose to begin healing our life.
Best wishes for your journey!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 177
She is probably concerned about the emotional infidelity. She does have cause for concern. He should be confiding in her, not you. I'd hate to be in your shoes. You want to still be his friend, but that line of emotionally cheating has just gotten very thin and you are still in a vulnerable position since you lost your husband six months ago. Sorry for your loss. Hope things turn out for the best.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Pixie perhaps its time to seek other friends. At least until the heat fades.
I hope you can grab The Grief Club by MElody Beattie. It covers a wide variety of losses and has helped me immensely in my grief.
I hope you can grab The Grief Club by MElody Beattie. It covers a wide variety of losses and has helped me immensely in my grief.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I am no expert in this, but I have had several of my married friends get weird towards me when I am single. I have never cheated on or with anyone and they all know this. It is strange to me as I wasn't possessive of my long term boyfriends relationships with female friends. I never felt threatened by another woman in my relationships. However, my ex cheated, so what do I know (alothough she wasn't a friend).
My guess is that they have issues and she is trying to maintain some control over him. Sounds miserable for both of them. If I were in your shoes, I might keep a distance. Things will likely cool down in one way or another. Maybe then you can resume friendships if you want.
My guess is that they have issues and she is trying to maintain some control over him. Sounds miserable for both of them. If I were in your shoes, I might keep a distance. Things will likely cool down in one way or another. Maybe then you can resume friendships if you want.
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