dolce7dolore

So I know I've been posting a lot lately, but just minutes ago I found out about a massive situation going on back home. I am across the globe from the US at the moment, haven't heard from my family in about 4-5 days, and then my mom just emailed me about yet another ridiculous situation. I'm just appalled. I don't want anything to do with this situation.

My 17 year old brother has been heavily involved with his girlfriend for a year. His girlfriend, we'll call her Sarah, has a whacked out family, let's just put it that way. The girl has been molested, abused, manipulated by her current step-mother, and neglected by her unemployed father. My brother has dealt with this for a year now, and every time I am around him (and inevitably her as they are inseparable), there is some drama happening and it's always a mess.

So... apparently Sarah's step-mom is kicking both Sarah and her father out of the house. Both of them have been staying at my mom's house for the last two days, and my dad decided to drive the man 10 hours to another state so that he can find work. Sarah's father is now talking about moving back in with the woman who kicked him out.... and Sarah is, as my mom just told me, going to be living at our house until she goes to college in the fall. I don't approve of this situation. Yeah, it's great that my parents are helping people in need, but this is just ridiculous, is it not?

Oh yeah, and there is a bit of a personal offense to this situation (of course...). I'm in Germany and it's exciting for me, and this is all my mom said about it:

"Hi Sweetie. Sounds like you're having fun. Take lots of pics of Ireland - I am soooo jealous!

Here are the addresses [I needed to send postcards]:"

Then she went on to write an entire page and a half about my brother's situation, her foot hurting, etc. It's like, great, thanks for really wanting to know how I've been. My brother also didn't bother to wish me a happy birthday through email or facebook, or really throughout the entire time I've been gone.

I'm sorry that this has turned into more of a rant. I guess I am just wondering how hard it is to separate yourself from your family. I'm starting to realize that I will need to separate myself especially from my brother as he's choosing to be his girlfriend's savior. It's just come to the point where I can't do it anymore. I can't clean up these messes. Anyone have any advice or personal stories on separating oneself?

GiveLove

Ranting is good if it helps you to get out the frustrating, toxic emotions that enmeshment like this can bring you. I've found -- on numerous occasions -- that my family's crises have just about driven me mad. And they just keep coming, because they keep manufacturing them, like a crazed malfunctioning twinkie extruder. What's a girl to do?

But your answer is here:
Then don't.

You can't do anything about this. You can't change your brother's girlfriend's life. You can't make your mom care more, or stop doing soap-opera stuff. You can't do anything but ruin your travels by continuing to engage in this.

It can be very hard to separate from family when you're still getting something out of engaging with the chaos. I did not find it easy until I had redirected my life into doing something I cared about, focusing on what I wanted to accomplish in my life, who I wanted to help, where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do with my "one wild and precious life." When I was able to do that, then I found I didn't have time for their crap any more, and it naturally became easier to not answer phone calls, not return letters, and not participate in the madness.

Let it go, dolce. This is a great time to practice switching off your family's influence on you. Stop writing, stop answering, stop responding, and focus on your own life. Think about what benefits you're continuing to get out of playing their sick drama --- and get them somewhere else. Otherwise you'll just drive yourself nuts, I'm afraid.

discontentmiser

holy frig

back in april I was looking for help anywhere, and in the wrong places

I'm generally shy, and hadn't found this website yet, so I sent these horrendously long RANTs (that word triggered the memory) in emails I sent to someone I barely even knew.

I want to be everyone's savior, but am trying just to drop everything to avoid trying to "save" everyone

It's great that you are able to stop and realize that you don't want to be involved with your family's mess

hooray! oh, happy belated birthday ! I hope you enjoy Germany (wow!)

I just recently realized that I can't "tidy all the messes"; well, I still have some work to do to accept that. I could imagine my brother attempting to do that in my house, but it wouldn't fly.

You don't have to read your mom's emails or even contact your family whatsoever.
but do send postcards to say that you still care about them in some way (... does that make sense??? do I have the right to say that???)

anyway, you don't have to try to clean up the messes
trust me, I've tried and it DOES NOT WORK.

I don't know how to separate myself from my family. somehow we decided the best summer vacation would be my dad going to his brother's house way down in the states.
I really like it better with him gone
I can't cut myself off from them, seeing as I have to finish high school and have somewhere to live;
I won't let anything screw up my life that much so it ruins the rest of my life

yeah, I guess it'l be hard to separate yourself, but hang in there

Prozac

Time. Just sit and wait, recognize that you are NOT the savior. Not only is such a role unhealthy for you, it's unhealthy for them. I say with having a few "OMG, My Family is Nuts, I Gotta Save Them!" threads under my own belt, one involving my 17 year old brother who I would attempt to walk on water for.

What I learned from my family's crisis is that they have operated like this for 25+ years. Me or you stepping back to wait and see isn't going to hurt anything. Continue to live your life, as others have said, look at the stickies.

EveningRose

I have found it relatively easy to walk away from my family. My main difficulty is that they are not doing the same things to my husband and children, so once again I come out looking like the bad guy. But if you are truly ready to walk away, I would suggest continuing to live far away. It makes it a little less obvious, and much easier to keep your distance.

I understand your feelings about your mother going on about everything else. My mother is a master of this, talking about herself and everyone else, and showing no interest in my life at all-- unless it's to tell me how I could do better. It leaves you feeling that you're little more than a speck on the wall.