Depressed XAH

Old 08-02-2009, 01:57 PM
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Depressed XAH

Last night, around 11, I started getting texts from XAH. Started out that he still loved me and apoligized for ruining our lives. Progressed to him saying he should have killed himself a long time ago and he was going to "check out". Then no response when I tried to contact him. I see now that it was another game.

I took the bait and checked on him (had his friend that lives next door check). He's done some really crazy and manipulative stuff over the years, threatening suicide was never one of them. I know he's depressed. I know he's misusing prescription pain meds. I know I can't fix him. Having worked in healthcare for many years I also know that a threat of suicide is something that should be taken seriously.

I don't even have his address or I would have simply called the police and had them go check. I think I'll get it should this occur again. Any other advice on how the best way to handle this would be? I honestly believe that he is capable of harming himself, but to the rest of the world he seems pretty together. I won't/can't be his savior, and I've come way too far to backslide in my own recovery. I'm open to suggestions.
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Old 08-02-2009, 02:08 PM
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Blessed,

I am sorry about your struggle.

My ex threatened suicide many times. If I ever broke up with him, no one loved him, he messed up... They were just threats. At first I reacted to them, so did his friends. The last 8+ months I did not react.

He sounds like he is in a pretty dark place. However, since you are not his savior, it is not for you to rescue him. I don't know what to tell you, but you might try looking at this as more manipulation.

Hugs

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Old 08-02-2009, 02:10 PM
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Also, if he ever did follow through, it would not be in anyway your fault. He is sick and an adult who is capable of caring for himself. If he needs help, then he knows where to find it. It might just not be as easy or convenient as he wants it to be.
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Old 08-02-2009, 02:12 PM
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Just support and hugs ((((blessed))))

I'm sorry you had a long night.
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Old 08-02-2009, 02:15 PM
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Originally Posted by blessed4x View Post
I don't even have his address or I would have simply called the police and had them go check. I think I'll get it should this occur again.
I think your instincts are exactly correct. Find out the address, then if it happens again, you can call the people whose job it is to deal with those situations (the police). That way you will know that you did what you could if he really was serious, or he will probably stop threatening if he wasn't serious.

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Old 08-02-2009, 02:21 PM
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Blessed you took the best decision taking you and the kids far away from this person.
Place him in the hands of God. I know I am doing it.

I don't place you there because from your last joyful posts I know you are already getting cozy in his hands
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Old 08-02-2009, 03:18 PM
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If he's capable of "dialing" you, he's capable of "dialing" 911 or AA/sponsor/etc. That he chooses to "dial" YOU is just manipulation.

That you choose to read his texts is your choice.

Recovery is full of choices. For me, recovery has been a process of re-training myself to see all the choices, and make the healthiest choice for myself.

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Old 08-02-2009, 05:09 PM
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Call the police, you can't know if it is manipulation, a good-bye or both.

If you don't know where he is at at the time of such a call ...........you are free to make any choice you want in that moment. It is one of those things you have to choose for yourself. I have an opinion and I don't want to share it on a public forum.

STBXAH has already informed me he would kill himself when i divorce him.
I had the talk with him when he was straight about how I viewed that,( selfish decision), and its possible repercussions , especially for his children. I let him know that 'if he informed me' with such a threat i would call the police and do nothing else. Then I said,
"i am not your savior." and bit down the urge to say out loud "don't you see, this is another example of how much you need help, go get help."


He called me and said good-bye to me once when i wasn't home, he accused me of being out "cheating" on him, i was out detaching. This is after i asked him for the divorce. I didn't call the police as i decided it was a manipulation. My best friend gave it to me for not calling as i know better. It was also my opportunity to get him out of the house since he was refusing to leave it for separation. I should have called the police. For me, for my kids, for him.


love tammy

I need to go find the statistic, but suicide by active alcoholics who threaten suicide is high, and higher in comparision to others that threaten. Do we have that information somewhere here on this site, or does someone else know where this is before i go do do the work to track this down?
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Old 08-02-2009, 05:36 PM
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I had a boyfriend with serious issues, PTSD from Iraq, diagnosed bi polar, many other issues as well. I told him once that if he threatened suicide I would call the police. He did, and I did. I pulled out the cell phone and got out the back door about the same time he pulled out the loaded .45. It was a 4 or 5 hour standoff before he came out of the house. It was awful, but it was also the catalyst for him to get the help he so desperately needed.

There is help out there for people who want help, and much of it is free for the taking.
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Old 08-02-2009, 09:41 PM
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When my husband and I seperated he went down hill FAST, when the threat came in that he was "checking out" I called the police and sent them, I felt it was the right thing to do. It left it up to the police and felt at peace with my self. Everyone has different was of handaling this situation, this was mine.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
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Old 08-06-2009, 08:17 PM
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Found here at American Foundation for Suicide Prevention under Depressed bullet points:

AFSP: Facts and Figures: National Statistics

"Over 60 percent of all people who die by suicide suffer from major depression. If one includes alcoholics who are depressed, this figure rises to over 75 percent."
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Old 08-06-2009, 09:10 PM
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Found here: Alcoholism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Effects of long term alcohol misuse
Main article: Long-term effects of alcohol
The primary effect of alcoholism is to encourage the sufferer to drink at times and in amounts that are damaging to physical health. The secondary damage caused by an inability to control one's drinking manifests in many ways. Alcoholism also has significant social costs to both the alcoholic and their family and friends. Alcoholics have a very high suicide rate and studies show between 8% and 21% of alcoholics commit suicide. Alcoholism also has a significant adverse impact on mental health. The risk of suicide among alcoholics has been determined to be 5,080 times that of the general public.[32]
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Old 08-07-2009, 02:02 AM
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thanks for this thread. mine has threatened suicide before and i didn't know what to do. he was drunk, lying on his mother's grave and told me he was going to stab himself repeatedly, to see how much pain he could take before dying.

i did nothing. (and he did nothing)

next time, i will take your good advice and call the police to go. thanks.

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Old 08-07-2009, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by MeHandle View Post
Found here: Alcoholism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Effects of long term alcohol misuse
Main article: Long-term effects of alcohol
The primary effect of alcoholism is to encourage the sufferer to drink at times and in amounts that are damaging to physical health. The secondary damage caused by an inability to control one's drinking manifests in many ways. Alcoholism also has significant social costs to both the alcoholic and their family and friends. Alcoholics have a very high suicide rate and studies show between 8% and 21% of alcoholics commit suicide. Alcoholism also has a significant adverse impact on mental health. The risk of suicide among alcoholics has been determined to be 5,080 times that of the general public.[32]
By continuing to drink and not getting active in recovery, every alcoholic is committing slow suicide aren't they?
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Old 08-07-2009, 06:48 AM
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People threaten suicide every day. We can look at the statistics and reports and use those to make our decisions, yes. But in the end you know what this person is doing-using his trump card. My brother who was addicted to EVERYTHING used to threaten suicide with everyone for years. I would worry myself sick and run home frantic from work at lunch every day to check and make sure he was OK, scared to death he'd blown his brains out in my house. We all finally got to the point where we would just say, "Go ahead." He never did.

You got away from your ex, got some peace and serenity, and then, as soon as you started accepting his texts, the madness, drama, stress, fear (and all the "WHAT do I DO?'s) are all returning to you. HE is reponsible for his own emotions and feelings and he is ABLE to do what is necessary for his own life. If I were suicidal I'd call a hotline or go to the emergency room, or call my doctor. If you call the police, what will result? I had the police help me with my brother and they made it WORSE. He nearly died at their hands when they were supposed to HELP.

When you try to play God, when you decide that you must act on another person's behalf, you then become responsible for the outcomes. If he dies because HE decides to, that is not on you. If he dies or is otherwise harmed because of your intervening, how will you handle that?

Here's what my brother said to me after the whole police episode: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
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Old 08-07-2009, 04:22 PM
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Learn2Live....thanks for the perspective! I get what you are saying. I really don't feel like I got sucked into the drama. I did the best I could at the time. I think I'm okay with how it all turned out. He passed out (apparently), his neighbor checked on him, and my conscience was clear. I have had no contact with him since, and that's fine by me.

We have 4 kids together, those 4 kids love their dad and even though he is not in a position mentally right now to be a part of their lives, I am hopeful that some day he will be.....however, I know it's not my job to get him there. He has court ordered visitation with them every other weekend and one night a week. Thank goodness he has not kept any of his visitation, but if he got a wild hair and decided to do it there would be nothing I could do. So, unfortunately, our lives will be tied together to some extent as long as our children are minors.

I know him pretty well after 22 years of marriage, and I believe he is clinically depressed, and would not be a bit surprised if he did attempt suicide. This was never one of his methods of manipulation in the past, but things are different now that we are not together.

So, we'll see what this weekend brings. I stick by my plan to call the police if needed. Tomorrow would have been our 22 anniversary. I'm going to an Alanon/AA dance to celebrate my newfound freedom!
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Old 08-07-2009, 04:45 PM
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My recovering and recently ex ABF has threatened suicide several times, in what I think is an attempt to get attention. We talked seriously about suicide on other occasions and he always said he wouldn't do it because of the horrible legacy it would leave his kids (no mention of me).

Since I left him he has also threatened suicide. I discussed this with my therapist as one of the ways he would try to get me back. She said the best thing is to call 911. I think he might also threaten to hurt his cat as I am a real cat lover and could not stand to think of an innocent animal being hurt. If that happened I would probably go over to his place and try and get the cat. My therapist suggested I call the Humane Society instead. She said I should let the professionals handle things if he is really suicidal/felinicidal and if he is just trying to get attention it might stop him doing it again.

Today he phoned me up and said he had tested positive for HIV. I knew he was just making this up so I told him to call back when he had something sensible to talk about and hung up.

You may be wondering why I answer the phone. Well, I am TRYING to have a friendship with this man, but not sure if it's going to work.

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Old 08-07-2009, 09:51 PM
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>>So, we'll see what this weekend brings. I stick by my plan to call the police if needed. Tomorrow would have been our 22 anniversary. I'm going to an Alanon/AA dance to celebrate my newfound freedom!>>

blessedx ,I now have 2 or 3 threads i wanted to get to but chose to read instead as i have been working a lot of OT this week. Anyway......... one was going to be on what happened a few days ago and a mention of tomorrow being my 22 legal wedding anniversary. The only thing i will be celebrating is freedom, the freedom of knowing I did everything I could do to save our marriage on my part and that now i am free to divorce him in God's eyes because f his failures. I will have no thoughts of me in a failed marriage. I will be remembering all that was good and will mourn a bit what should have been. But I will be free.:-)

I will lift you and xah up this weekend. I obviously relate to you :-), but I understand that he may be a wreck tomorrow. I am wondering what my AH is going to be like tomorrow. He is outside in the car crying right now.( He sits outside in his car a lot and turns on the radio.)

love tammy
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Old 08-07-2009, 10:34 PM
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(((Mehandle)))....22 years for you too?! I can remember it like yesterday. It was over 100 degrees and rained. Can you say humidity!

MY XAH used to sit in the car and drink and listen to music. I sure don't miss those days! And it is very peaceful knowing I won't have any of those days to look forward to.

BTW, God has blessed me more in my divorce than I ever thought possible.
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Old 08-08-2009, 01:02 PM
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blessed4x, thank you for your post. I am obviously not yet where you are but I'm still working on it. One thing I don't have is children so I sure do understand what you are saying and why you have decided to dial 911 if he does threaten it again. My biggest problem continues to be panic...
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