Need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3
Need advice
I am the wife of an alcoholic. We have been together for 16 years, married for 10. I intend on going to my first alanon meeting this weekend. My husband used to be a daily drinker. He stopped at his own will for about 2 years, then started drinking on and off again.
I recently gave him an altimatum (It was not a false threat) and had him sign a contract to never drink again, or he'll have 2 weeks to leave our home, and we will seperate. He's in complete denial, and of course blames it all on me in every way possible. He's highly functional and is a great father to our 5 year old daughter.
He doesn't have any hard luck story's. That fact makes it very difficult for him to see, he has a problem with alcohol. I told him last night I decided to attend an alanon meeting and he got very defensive. I'm learning not to fight with him. He'll talk about every possible problem from our financially difficult past, to our present day disagreements, just to avoid talking about the true source of our problems.
Currently he's not drinking, except when he has an occasional weekend with his friend's away from me, when every person he's with is drinking, and I'm sure he is too.
I am really scared he will eventually drink again around me and I will have to implement my altimatum. I love my husband more than words can say, but when he is drinking, he is very mean, arrogant and verbally abusive.
Since he's only an occasional drinker nowadays, and cannot identify with the majority of alcoholics who drink more excessively than him, it's that much harder for him to see where the problem is. Is there any advice out there for what I would call the "occasional alcoholic?" It's that much harder for him to see the problem he has with alcohol because he's not a daily drinker anymore and when he does drink, he has no idea just how mean and arrogant he is to me.
I recently gave him an altimatum (It was not a false threat) and had him sign a contract to never drink again, or he'll have 2 weeks to leave our home, and we will seperate. He's in complete denial, and of course blames it all on me in every way possible. He's highly functional and is a great father to our 5 year old daughter.
He doesn't have any hard luck story's. That fact makes it very difficult for him to see, he has a problem with alcohol. I told him last night I decided to attend an alanon meeting and he got very defensive. I'm learning not to fight with him. He'll talk about every possible problem from our financially difficult past, to our present day disagreements, just to avoid talking about the true source of our problems.
Currently he's not drinking, except when he has an occasional weekend with his friend's away from me, when every person he's with is drinking, and I'm sure he is too.
I am really scared he will eventually drink again around me and I will have to implement my altimatum. I love my husband more than words can say, but when he is drinking, he is very mean, arrogant and verbally abusive.
Since he's only an occasional drinker nowadays, and cannot identify with the majority of alcoholics who drink more excessively than him, it's that much harder for him to see where the problem is. Is there any advice out there for what I would call the "occasional alcoholic?" It's that much harder for him to see the problem he has with alcohol because he's not a daily drinker anymore and when he does drink, he has no idea just how mean and arrogant he is to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3
Your right, but I have no proof he drank because I wasn't there, and he wouldn't admit it if I asked. I know he's not serious about his problem because if he was, he wouldn't have drank that weekend. I just know he did because I know the only reason he's not drinking in my presence is because of our agreement. There's no way I could actually believe he kept to our agreement, but I can't act on it because I have no proof.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I agree about going to al-anon meetings. They will teach you about boundaries. A boundary is about what YOU will accept, and can be changed whenever you choose.
For example..."if you disrespect me, I will leave"...says nothing about proving he has had a drink, it focuses on his behavior and what you will tolerate. The thing with boundaries, is you need to follow through, or they are meaningless.
I'm glad you're here...there are a lot of terrific people here who know exactly what you're going through, and are more than willing to lend a little ES&H (experience, strength & hope).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I agree about going to al-anon meetings. They will teach you about boundaries. A boundary is about what YOU will accept, and can be changed whenever you choose.
For example..."if you disrespect me, I will leave"...says nothing about proving he has had a drink, it focuses on his behavior and what you will tolerate. The thing with boundaries, is you need to follow through, or they are meaningless.
I'm glad you're here...there are a lot of terrific people here who know exactly what you're going through, and are more than willing to lend a little ES&H (experience, strength & hope).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
it can be so tough. I have set boundries and yielded many times. All that happened was nothing....I kept being hurt the same way again and again all the time feeling like my needs were unimportant. It really beat me up over time and made things tense. Fact is in retrospect my needs were not being meet and I paid the price for it in unhappiness and frustration. I got very hung up in her not following thru or respecting our arrangments and lost sight of the simple fact that I was not happy and my needs were not being met. Just my own experience.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
