Anxiety . . . Panic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 42
Anxiety . . . Panic
Hi everyone . . .
Today is day 55. And, a lot of those days have been very long.
Last night and this morning have been the longest hours yet. As I was getting ready to leave my office last night the mice upstairs (in my head, not my office) started shifting around. I was terrified to leave my office and get on the subway. I have never had such a strong urge to drink, ever. It scared me. I started thinking that maybe I can't be helped, maybe AA just isn't going to work for me.
The anxiety and panic stayed with me off and on all night -- I don't think I actually ever fell asleep. I was a total basket case. I almost didn't go to work today, but decided I should not isolate in my apartment. Gradually, the day has improved.
I don't know how many more times I can white-knuckle through days or hours like that. It zaps the life out of me and leaves me feeling hopeless and lonely. This is my second attempt at getting 90 days -- last time I only lasted 40 days.
I did try and call an alcoholic for support. I left several messages, but I didn't hear back from anyone until this morning. My sponsor is out of the country this month and unavailable. I do have an interim sponsor while mine is away -- he's the one who called me back.
I am a 33 year old professional male and all I do anymore is cry. And, I was not really a crier before.
I had no idea how hard this whole journey was going to be when I started.
Today is day 55. And, a lot of those days have been very long.
Last night and this morning have been the longest hours yet. As I was getting ready to leave my office last night the mice upstairs (in my head, not my office) started shifting around. I was terrified to leave my office and get on the subway. I have never had such a strong urge to drink, ever. It scared me. I started thinking that maybe I can't be helped, maybe AA just isn't going to work for me.
The anxiety and panic stayed with me off and on all night -- I don't think I actually ever fell asleep. I was a total basket case. I almost didn't go to work today, but decided I should not isolate in my apartment. Gradually, the day has improved.
I don't know how many more times I can white-knuckle through days or hours like that. It zaps the life out of me and leaves me feeling hopeless and lonely. This is my second attempt at getting 90 days -- last time I only lasted 40 days.
I did try and call an alcoholic for support. I left several messages, but I didn't hear back from anyone until this morning. My sponsor is out of the country this month and unavailable. I do have an interim sponsor while mine is away -- he's the one who called me back.
I am a 33 year old professional male and all I do anymore is cry. And, I was not really a crier before.
I had no idea how hard this whole journey was going to be when I started.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time lately. Congrats on your 55 days tho!
THat's a big achievement! Have you considered seeing a counselor? Or maybe a doctor/shrink to see if anti anxiety meds might help you? Whatever you do, don't drink. It will only make the anxiety worse.
THat's a big achievement! Have you considered seeing a counselor? Or maybe a doctor/shrink to see if anti anxiety meds might help you? Whatever you do, don't drink. It will only make the anxiety worse.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
Congrats on 55 days! I agree with Least, you might need more outside help than AA can provide. I use a therapist, a psychiatrist, AA, SR, friends and family, God and others to maintain sobriety and I couldn't do it without a lot of support both online and off.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: East Coast
Posts: 437
Relief,
You should have immediately came to this site. There is so much support and tons of knowledge. You made it through and should be proud of yourself. You are still very early in sobriety. I am a professional/mother/grandmother and I'm 49. I can tell you from my experience is some days I felt like I may never laugh again. I listened to everyone and they said to give it time. I was at about 4 months when Christmas was coming. Just hearing Christmas music made me cry. I didn't know how I was going to get through it. I told myself that just this Christmas I won't drink. I convinced myself that I could make it through. Well I did it. I am a little over a year sober now and I won't say I'm cured but I am laughing again. It does get easier you just have to give it time. Good luck and keep reading and posting.
You should have immediately came to this site. There is so much support and tons of knowledge. You made it through and should be proud of yourself. You are still very early in sobriety. I am a professional/mother/grandmother and I'm 49. I can tell you from my experience is some days I felt like I may never laugh again. I listened to everyone and they said to give it time. I was at about 4 months when Christmas was coming. Just hearing Christmas music made me cry. I didn't know how I was going to get through it. I told myself that just this Christmas I won't drink. I convinced myself that I could make it through. Well I did it. I am a little over a year sober now and I won't say I'm cured but I am laughing again. It does get easier you just have to give it time. Good luck and keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Funny, I was just sending a message to a friend about this. Panic and anxiety were a huge problem for me in very early sobriety. It felt like my head was just going to pop off. As luck, (luck?) would have it, my head was getting a grip on Step 3 at the time. I said that 3rd step prayer over and over and survived. I also did a lot of reaching out for help, and did something every day to progress in recovery. It oftentimes meant doing something I didn't want to do, but that kept my head in willingness and commitment.
I don't think it matters as much what, in particular, you do, just that you be willing to do something you don't want to anyway, because you are committed to a new way of life. You've turned your will over, and there is no going back.
I don't think it matters as much what, in particular, you do, just that you be willing to do something you don't want to anyway, because you are committed to a new way of life. You've turned your will over, and there is no going back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 68
Panic and anxiety are my biggest alcohol related issues. They weren't 15 years ago but somehow over time it took over. I have lost jobs because I was too chicken to come clean with my bosses and now I find myself home almost 24/7 because I am afraid to leave the house! So, I can sympathize completely.
I find those out there that haven't experienced a level 10 PA don't have a clue what it's like and think it's all in your head.
I would say get a benzo scrip cause it helps, but be careful I got hooked and they eventually made my panic MUCH worse! Good Luck.
I find those out there that haven't experienced a level 10 PA don't have a clue what it's like and think it's all in your head.
I would say get a benzo scrip cause it helps, but be careful I got hooked and they eventually made my panic MUCH worse! Good Luck.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Relief
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time - early sobriety is an emotional rollercoaster, that's for sure.
People told me it gets better and it did - I also figured anything was better than what I'd come from - I hope you do too.
I agree with least and adore about doctors and counsellors - any support we can get is good
Keep posting!
D
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time - early sobriety is an emotional rollercoaster, that's for sure.
People told me it gets better and it did - I also figured anything was better than what I'd come from - I hope you do too.
I agree with least and adore about doctors and counsellors - any support we can get is good
Keep posting!
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I find that having a counselor session once, well twice at this time, a week is a great thing! I am going to AA and have just started working the 4th step. Give it a go and be honest with them...works for me:-) Worst thing i did was try and get answers from the books and put it into practice by myself!
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I think a Dr. Might be in order. There have been a few people that WORK the steps instead of seeing a Dr. when it would have helped. Some end up blowing their brains out. Course then people say they weren't working the steps hard enough or not working them. Doctor, diet, and exercise would be my course of action. The program helps a lot of people, but is not an end all answer.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Relief,
I felt overwhelmed by the feelings that I had when I first stopped drinking too. It took awhile to figure out that the feelings didn't control me. I always thought they had. I had to learn that a feeling is just a feeling. Recognize it, allow yourself to feel and then let it go. It doesn't control you.
I have anxiety attacks and panic attacks sometimes too. When that happens to you, remember to breathe. It might sound silly, but you will probably find that you are very tense and your breathing is very shallow. Allow yourself to breathe deeply and you will find it helps.
I felt overwhelmed by the feelings that I had when I first stopped drinking too. It took awhile to figure out that the feelings didn't control me. I always thought they had. I had to learn that a feeling is just a feeling. Recognize it, allow yourself to feel and then let it go. It doesn't control you.
I have anxiety attacks and panic attacks sometimes too. When that happens to you, remember to breathe. It might sound silly, but you will probably find that you are very tense and your breathing is very shallow. Allow yourself to breathe deeply and you will find it helps.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: variable....
Posts: 36
hi relief....... i am on day 27 and my anxiety levels are raging, it feels totally unbearable at times so i empathise totally! the way you described the 'whiteknuckling through then totally wiped' out described it pretty exact....
hope you're feeling much better when you read this
keep knuckling it with me!
hope you're feeling much better when you read this
keep knuckling it with me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 42
Thanks for all the support. SR & AA have saved my sobriety date (and me) numerous times recently. I do know I would be back drinking if I had to go this road alone. So, I will continue to trudge sobriety's path for another day!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Hi Relief, I just wanted to post my support for you. I know how difficult this is & how hard it is to face everything that you have been avoiding with a straight face (mind & body).
Be good to yourself & try to think positive even when things are going wrong/challenging.
All of the best,
NB
Be good to yourself & try to think positive even when things are going wrong/challenging.
All of the best,
NB
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