Seagrl7

My day began with dread, my day began at 5:15 a.m. dreaming of my child, my 20 year old daughter who actually is in jail on a battery charge, and she has chosen to go to drug boot camp in jail rather than be released which I'm cautiously optomistic may help her but... since she's been in jail she calls and constantly asks for money to buy paper, vitamins, snacks, shampoo, conditioner, etc. I feel my old codepentent self doubting myself again, feeling like I want to help her and when I do I feel remorse as she is probably just using me again.

Can anyone offer what they did or do for their kids when they are in jail? she is a full blown addict, has robbed me, has disrupted my life and I want to close my eyes and forget she exists but my mommy guilt wants to save her.

I know I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I can't cure it but I don't know how to deal with her in jail, calling for money as they don't give her anything at all.

Please offer your help as I'm so sad this morning, I was to see her but couldn't bring myself to see her as I'm sickened by her words, actions and life path.

Mom in pain, trying to break free. :praying

Impurrfect

((Seagrl7))

I'm a recovering addict and a codie. I was in jail and yes they DO give you the basic necessities in jail. They feed you, you are given soap, shampoo, etc. No, you are not given the snacks, the fancy shampoo and conditioner, etc.

I will admit that my dad did put money on my books for me. However, I never stole from him and when I was released I paid him back for everything.

I'm sure other parents will be along soon, but I would say if you feel you are doing this because she is making you feel guilty, don't do it. If you can do it because you want to and can afford it...then do it. Otherwise, she is there by her own choices, let her live with the circumstances.

As they told me in jail, they don't want it to be a nice place to be...they wanted us to dislike it enough that we never wanted to come back.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Freedom1990

My 31 year old AD has had several stays in jail. It's had no impact on her other than to hook up with new 'friends' she met in jail.

During her incarcerations I have sent her nothing, zero, zilch, nada. I didn't accept the ridiculously expensive collect calls from her either.

She's been at this addictions thing for 15 years now, and if nothing changes, nothing changes.

I'm sorry for your pain. :ghug2

winnie12

Jail will provide her with everything she needs. you dont have to send anything to her.
when my son is in jail i do whatever i want at the time. if i feel like visiting i do - if i dont want to talk with him i dont.

he's at a boys ranch now and if i want and can give him something i will - if i dont want to or dont think there's a real need then i wont. I'm responsible for providing basic needs for my son since he is a minor but i'm not responsible for anything over basic needs. its not my problem if he has to use crappy shampoo (yes this is a big deal to him) or if he cant buy stamps because he used his money for snacks, its just one more consequence for his behavior. he'll have a job there soon and at that point i wont give him a dime - he'll have to earn it.

Nikki2003

I know there is a difference between being a wife and being a mom but I thought I should give my two cents worth. When my AH was in jail at first I would accept phone calls and he would also make me feel sooo guilty. Luckily I had nothing to give. He even had his lawyer phone me several times to try and convince me to sell stuff so I could give him money. Finally at the advice of my therapist, when I got the next call from him I pressed the number that said I would no longer accept calls from there. After that I never recieved another call from him, though he still had his lawyer phone and since I have a display phone I refused to pick it up. When ever he ended up in jail after that I had peace in my home and mind. I knew he was safe, that he was getting his basics and he could not do his addictions.

THat is how I handled it. I just hope his girlfriend learns to do the same. Last time he was in jail for 3 weeks and she would drive 2 1/2 hours to give him money. Her choice I guess but defiahntely not mine. So if you want to aviod her calls to get peace you can. And when you are stronger and can accept talking to her then you can pick up or visit. Do what is best for you.

leelee5675

I think Nikki hit the nail on the head. You have to get yourself in the mindset that it is about YOU, what's best for you, not her.

I am going through the third meth addiction with my 32-year-old daughter. She has put it down twice before on her own, but that obviously didn't work. This time she just finished a detox and rehab through the state. I didn't go see her in rehab. I was too angy when I cleaned her room out and found what all she had wasted my money on and what she had packed away to steal from me. I only picked up the phone when I felt I could be civil to her and could not be made to feel guilty about something.

She is now out of rehab and living with a group of NA members in a nearby town. I still only pick up the phone when I feel like talking to her.

I truly understand your pain. It is so hard to admit that you really don't want to have anything to do with your own flesh and blood. Some people see us as cold and uncaring, because that is our child. Just remember if anyone tries to make you feel that way, they have no idea how abused you have been by this child.

I think you can see that the resounding response to your outcry is that you don't owe her anything. She is an adult that has made her own choices. She will never get better if you make things easy or more comfortable for her.


Do everything you can to make it the easiest you can for yourself. You have more than paid your dues as a mother and as cold as it may sound, you owe her nothing.

My prayers are with you. Contact me if you need to talk directly with someone that has the same scenario as you...it' a little different when it's your child.

cinderellawkids

Im a spouse of an addict also, so I know its different but my AH's mother, sister and I discuss this often. Over the last 6 years anytime my husband was in jail , all 3 of us did what we could to give money so he could have deodorant and soap that didnt make him break out, even shoes and underwear.

This time, we are tired of him trying to make his problems, our problems and arent falling for it. In addition, however we are all three rougher off financially than before so I admit its a bit easier. The day he was arrested he begged his sister to give him even $5 to get deodorant with, she said, tell you what instead Ill make sure your wife and son have deodorant.
Now he's complaining he cant have his shoes just flip flop things so cant work out, his mom said, well your son needs new shoes for school.
We all are sorry cant work out without shoes, but realistically we did not create the situation. At some point we may help but not today and if any of us decide to it will be a free choice and not because he begged and cried.

My first husband is serving a 20 year sentence. His mom whose husband just died and makes minimum wage still struggles to send him $50 every month, because she feels guilty if she doesnt, its just sad, he eats better than she does

lauren

One of the most important lessons for me was not to get involved in my
sons consequences, his choice, his lesson, his responsibility. I went on
no contact for over a year and he was forced to take a jail job to get any
of the finer shampoos..snacks..or other needs. During this time my main
concern for me was to heal..emotionally..physically and spiritually.
It took over a year to come to safe peaceful place for myself and also
for my husband. We had lost so much of ourselves to his high maintenance
that we lost touch with each other, friends and family.
When I finally felt strong enough to take a call it was near the end of his
term, by this time boundaries were in place, such as you may not live here,
you must be invited for a meal, you come on time and respect our home
and others that are here and when it is time leave you leave with what you
came with,no rides, no money nor anything ..it was an invitation like I would
extend to any other person.
He said this time for him was very eye opening and he would always ask if
this was a good time for a phone call or if there was extra for dinner that night
and could he "please" join us if it was convenient. He said that he knew we
owed him nothing, the foundation given was solid and his choices were his so
he knew that he had to respect our space and our boundaries.
He always heard from us that he was loved but it wasn't meant as an open
ticket to abuse.
Take your time and give yourself some healing time, it may take weeks, months
or even longer. Our child are not ours to own whether they be addicts or not,
they have to take ownership of themselves as we had to do.

lauren

outtolunch

Lauren,

That was beautiful.

My daughter never made it to jail. If and when, I hope I have as much sense as you did. Not getting involved in someone else's choices, consequences, lessons, responsibilities and recovery, or not are words to live bye.

Thank you.

P.S. Just curious....who pays for all these calls home from jail?

ventuhome

Calls from jail are collect ...you do!!! When my ASIL was in jail my bro would put a few dollars into her account every week, but did not visit her for the first month. And no phone calls at all. He used the money insted to pay most of his utility bills. Limiting contact helped both of them work their programs during the jail time.

littlebird77

It is what it is... Its JAIL... Not a motel. They give people the bare necessities in jail, this is why it is jail. A bar of soap can be used in hair too. I know my ABF was in jail and he got buy. Though I am unsure for women if they provide sanitary-products. This would be the only thing I might have to budge on. Also the phone calls, she is calling collect I sure... Pen, paper and stamp can say so much more at times.

stefanie

I have bought a few snack packs for my son, and my sister put some money on his account. We write letters back and forth, and I told him what I was comfortable doing- and what I wasnt. He needs this time to reflect, and focus on his plan for sobriety. I need this time to focus on my program as well.
The jail really provides everything for him-books, food, the basic toiletries, medication and na meetings. Do not feel as if you have to send/do anything!

outtolunch

Holy Moley.

I had no idea....Note to self:

If and when, do not accept collect calls from jail. No is a complete sentance.

jerect

Collect calls from jail are a lot more expensive then regular collect calls. My ex husband was a teacher and one of his students was arrested for armed robbery and he called my ex twice collect from jail. My ex not knowing any better accepted the calls and talked to him for about 4 or 5 minutes each time.. it ended up being 20.00 for each call. That was an expensive lesson.

sleepygoat

I did nothing for my AD when she was in jail, though the stays were incredibly brief. don't know what i'd do if they were longer stays (as they should be but never are!). I did give my kid cigarettes and a little change for laundry whenever she was in rehab, but that was rehab and I felt i was rewarding a good decision (though she never stayed for long there either!). If you are posting, you probably feel a gut sense that she is getting over again, so listen to your gut.

BigSis

The last five or six 'recesses' from my kids addiction have been jail stints. We take one call per week so she can talk to the kids. I also choose to visit one time per week and we can write. Both she and her boyfriend have told me that sometimes they get obsessive about calling out, and not taking the call is ok..... it is like they almost can't Not call.

Plus, when my kid is in jail, she is usually coming off a drug run, and her brain isn't functioning well at all. It is better for her if I don't take the calls - she can't "hear" what I say to her, and I don't need to hear what she has to say to me.

Jail is a time out.... time out from using.... time out from robbing and mobbing... time out to think and to get in touch with a higher power. It isn't about me, so I need to stay out of it.


I wish you the best. ((hugs))