When anonymity is broken...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Overseas... on the shore of an uncharted desert isle.
Posts: 254
When anonymity is broken...
... how have you handled this issue with people who aren't in AA and/or fellow alcoholics?
My experience. In the first few weeks of my sobriety (early Feb), I became aware of an otherwise well-intentioned 'friend/acquaintance' who took it upon himself to "discreetly" inform at least five mutual friends of my situation and decision to stop drinking and join AA. He might have just as well yelled it out through a megaphone.
When I indicated I had quit drinking to them, I realized they had already been given full details - more than I would have probably disclosed to most of them - of my decision (eg I'll always indicate I'm not drinking, often indicate I've quit for good, and on rare occasions, indicate I joined AA <not really active now> and/or provide details on the full reasons I quit drinking), and honestly, it made a small but significant negative effect on my resolve at the time. However, I was very aware of it, so I made an extra effort to file it away for later.
Of course, once the chain of anonymity is broken, the secondary & tertiary recipients of such information often fail to understand the necessity of maintaining confidence and it naturally spreads. I was quite fortunate that my sponsor became aware of the situation, knew almost all the people involved, and took care of it so that I did not have to. He gave the fellow responsible a pretty stern warning ... I had no interest in discussing it further with him and still don't. He may have honestly felt he was being "helpful", but I suspect he felt it raised his own personal stature in the eyes of others by announcing his (non-existent) role in my recovery.
More recently, I became aware I might have lost a potential deal "thanks" to the untimely and inaccurate disclosure of my situation. I work in professional advisory services and in the overseas location where I am stationed - unlike the US, the 'social stigma' of an alcoholic is definitely many many times more. Although there is nothing I don't think I could have done or would have done differently even with hindsight, now secure in my sobriety, I can relax a bit and admit honestly it does burn me up.
Perhaps the biggest potential damage is that a newcomer to recovery less secure in their sobriety could relapse. Or an alcoholic considering sobriety hears a similar horror story regarding anonymity being compromised, decides against taking the next necessary step and fails to get the help he or she needs.
Of course, I'm preaching to the choir here, but has anyone been in a similar situation? And, are there ways to help prevent such situations including effective methods of disclosing your condition to non-alcoholic friends?
My experience. In the first few weeks of my sobriety (early Feb), I became aware of an otherwise well-intentioned 'friend/acquaintance' who took it upon himself to "discreetly" inform at least five mutual friends of my situation and decision to stop drinking and join AA. He might have just as well yelled it out through a megaphone.
When I indicated I had quit drinking to them, I realized they had already been given full details - more than I would have probably disclosed to most of them - of my decision (eg I'll always indicate I'm not drinking, often indicate I've quit for good, and on rare occasions, indicate I joined AA <not really active now> and/or provide details on the full reasons I quit drinking), and honestly, it made a small but significant negative effect on my resolve at the time. However, I was very aware of it, so I made an extra effort to file it away for later.
Of course, once the chain of anonymity is broken, the secondary & tertiary recipients of such information often fail to understand the necessity of maintaining confidence and it naturally spreads. I was quite fortunate that my sponsor became aware of the situation, knew almost all the people involved, and took care of it so that I did not have to. He gave the fellow responsible a pretty stern warning ... I had no interest in discussing it further with him and still don't. He may have honestly felt he was being "helpful", but I suspect he felt it raised his own personal stature in the eyes of others by announcing his (non-existent) role in my recovery.
More recently, I became aware I might have lost a potential deal "thanks" to the untimely and inaccurate disclosure of my situation. I work in professional advisory services and in the overseas location where I am stationed - unlike the US, the 'social stigma' of an alcoholic is definitely many many times more. Although there is nothing I don't think I could have done or would have done differently even with hindsight, now secure in my sobriety, I can relax a bit and admit honestly it does burn me up.
Perhaps the biggest potential damage is that a newcomer to recovery less secure in their sobriety could relapse. Or an alcoholic considering sobriety hears a similar horror story regarding anonymity being compromised, decides against taking the next necessary step and fails to get the help he or she needs.
Of course, I'm preaching to the choir here, but has anyone been in a similar situation? And, are there ways to help prevent such situations including effective methods of disclosing your condition to non-alcoholic friends?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
This has never happened to me so I have no advice. I would, however, have been upset if it happened to me. I would find it necessary to talk to this "friend" who 'spilled the beans' and let them know how damaging it was or could have been. Maybe give them the dictionary definition of "confidentiality" and emphasize that their lapse in discretion was NOT helpful to my recovery.
I don't know what else to say, only that it's a damn shame that 'some people' can't keep their mouths shut!
I don't know what else to say, only that it's a damn shame that 'some people' can't keep their mouths shut!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
North I know how important anonymity is to some, especially those in early recovery. It is rare that a member of AA will break someone elses anonymity, but it sadly does happen, I do not know of it happening first hand, but I have heard of it happening.
As I am sure you already know it is the equivilant of an unforgiveable sin in AA to break some ones anonymity, but most people outside of AA or recovery circles over all do not grasp just how important it is for some people to be able to maintain it.
I will be honest and say that I have no issue at all with some one knowing I am a recovered alcoholic and that I use AA as my recovery program. I could give a rats patoot if some one views me as less then because I am an alcoholic or in AA, to me they are just demonstrating thier ignorance of the disease and of AA and what they think about me is really none of my business any how.
For those really concerned about thier anonymity I would urge them to just not share thier alcoholism or thier membership in AA with anyone outside of AA or recovery. People are people and people talk, many times not meaning any harm or embarrasement but simply from ignorance.
As I am sure you already know it is the equivilant of an unforgiveable sin in AA to break some ones anonymity, but most people outside of AA or recovery circles over all do not grasp just how important it is for some people to be able to maintain it.
I will be honest and say that I have no issue at all with some one knowing I am a recovered alcoholic and that I use AA as my recovery program. I could give a rats patoot if some one views me as less then because I am an alcoholic or in AA, to me they are just demonstrating thier ignorance of the disease and of AA and what they think about me is really none of my business any how.
For those really concerned about thier anonymity I would urge them to just not share thier alcoholism or thier membership in AA with anyone outside of AA or recovery. People are people and people talk, many times not meaning any harm or embarrasement but simply from ignorance.
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
i am very glad you are becoming more secure in your sobriety!!
i am grateful that you have consulted your sponsor about this!!
i appreciate that you are making progress in learning to live life!!
i know that you may feel dissapointed that someone has blabbed about what you are chosing to do for yourself. Rightly so, but what difference does that really have on your life? We know that those who are not in our fellowship are not bound by our Twelve Traditions. We have learned that we are powerless over people, places, and things. We have been given the opportunity to trust a loving and caring Higher Power to take care of us when people let us down. We can practice the spiritual principles of our Twelve Steps in all our affairs and do the next right thing as it presents itself.
Personaly, i don't care what people say about me. i don't have any control over that. What i do care about is what people say to me, face to face. Those are the people i believe that God sends my way to help me. i have had many opportunities to share my life with others, some of which have appeared not to understand. Doesn't matter to me if they do or they don't. We all play a part in God's process to help each other live and let live during the time we are here. i am soley responsible for the efforts i make in my own life, not anyone else's.
i am very glad that you are staying committed to your recovery and your sobriety!
i am grateful that you have consulted your sponsor about this!!
i appreciate that you are making progress in learning to live life!!
i know that you may feel dissapointed that someone has blabbed about what you are chosing to do for yourself. Rightly so, but what difference does that really have on your life? We know that those who are not in our fellowship are not bound by our Twelve Traditions. We have learned that we are powerless over people, places, and things. We have been given the opportunity to trust a loving and caring Higher Power to take care of us when people let us down. We can practice the spiritual principles of our Twelve Steps in all our affairs and do the next right thing as it presents itself.
Personaly, i don't care what people say about me. i don't have any control over that. What i do care about is what people say to me, face to face. Those are the people i believe that God sends my way to help me. i have had many opportunities to share my life with others, some of which have appeared not to understand. Doesn't matter to me if they do or they don't. We all play a part in God's process to help each other live and let live during the time we are here. i am soley responsible for the efforts i make in my own life, not anyone else's.
i am very glad that you are staying committed to your recovery and your sobriety!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: East Coast
Posts: 437
You are doing great and there is really little you can do to change anything in the past. I did have a similiar situation in I was in rehab and I have had an in-law announce to an entire group to my son about his mother being in rehab. I think some are threatened by us who are able to beat this thing. Anyone who thinks going to AA is a problem might just have a problem themselves.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
Posts: 105
Look North, it is a fact of life that people talk. They talk because they care, they talk because they want to distract, they talk because of their own fear.
What ever the reason, it doesn't matter. The wonderfully delicious thing about all of it is that this is not random, it is for you! To help you become the person you are here to become! How will you choose to become from this? Peaceful and more loving or angry and more frustrated? The Big book states Nothing absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by mistake. There you have it!
Much love and light to you!
~Cheryl
What ever the reason, it doesn't matter. The wonderfully delicious thing about all of it is that this is not random, it is for you! To help you become the person you are here to become! How will you choose to become from this? Peaceful and more loving or angry and more frustrated? The Big book states Nothing absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by mistake. There you have it!
Much love and light to you!
~Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
That sucks North, unfortunetly a lot of people just suck. Good for you on not letting this compromise your sobriety. I can't imagine losing a deal because of being sober, and personally would not want to work with someone who could not appreciate the strength and willpower that it takes to get and stay sober. It's their loss.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
While I don't work in a country where being a recovered alcoholic is the stigma it is where you live, I work in a field where it is...
There was a breach of my anonymity, but because it was all whispered and implied, it was impossible to understand who, what, where...
Has it cost me? Hell, I don't know. I have work, family... I won't let others define me, and it's none of my business what they think.
Glad to hear that your sobriety is going well...
Mark
There was a breach of my anonymity, but because it was all whispered and implied, it was impossible to understand who, what, where...
Has it cost me? Hell, I don't know. I have work, family... I won't let others define me, and it's none of my business what they think.
Glad to hear that your sobriety is going well...
Mark
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Oh, North...you are preaching to the choir when it comes to me.
Anonymity..I'm a stickler for it.
But..but the resentment about such things I can't afford, at all.
It is deadly..and, unchecked, would be the end of my sobriety, ultimately.
"Forgive them, they know not what they do."
This is how I choose to look at it...
This...and a little chat, too. lol
Best of luck on your journey!
Anonymity..I'm a stickler for it.
But..but the resentment about such things I can't afford, at all.
It is deadly..and, unchecked, would be the end of my sobriety, ultimately.
"Forgive them, they know not what they do."
This is how I choose to look at it...
This...and a little chat, too. lol
Best of luck on your journey!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
A wise man speaks because he has something to say. A fool speaks because he has to say something. Your "friend" broke your anonymity and unfortunately that will happen, although it's extremely rare within AA. I'm like Taz in that I really don't care who knows what about me and alcoholism. I also don't mention it to anyone, either. There isn't much you can do now that word is out. If you ignore the issue with others, the dust will settle. Just remember that if you don't want people to know something, then don't tell anyone. Fools love to talk.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
A friend of mine in AA says, "Anonymity? What do you expect for a dollar?"
Like others, I could give a darn who knows what about me. Your opinion of me is none of my business. I spent too many years trying to be what I thought you wanted me to be. I haven't played that game for quite a while.
There is no shame in being a happy, joyous, and free recovered alcoholic.
Recovery is freedom from self. "Relieve me of the bondage of self..."
There is comfort in knowing that I'm not all that important. Seriously. The rest of the world is not going home after a long day and thinking about me. They don't wake up obsessing over me. Only I do that. Everybody else could care less. And that's fine by me.
Like others, I could give a darn who knows what about me. Your opinion of me is none of my business. I spent too many years trying to be what I thought you wanted me to be. I haven't played that game for quite a while.
There is no shame in being a happy, joyous, and free recovered alcoholic.
Recovery is freedom from self. "Relieve me of the bondage of self..."
There is comfort in knowing that I'm not all that important. Seriously. The rest of the world is not going home after a long day and thinking about me. They don't wake up obsessing over me. Only I do that. Everybody else could care less. And that's fine by me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
depends what you mean be anonymity..
Back when i first got sober my marriage was on a knife edge and could have easily gone up in smoke due to my drinking.
I shared my distress and concern in a meeting.......and some of what i said got back to my wife...not good and if it wasnt for my sponsor i could have got into serious trouble.....i wasnt the most stable person in the rooms for the first month or two...but it taught me a valuable lesson.
i was surrounded by drunks and i expected everyone to act perfectly...in terms of anonymity...it also taught me to confine that stuff to sponsor or therapist.
Anonymity...concerning me being a drunk......it doesnt apply to me because everyone...yes everyone knows my history...only to well.
Anonymity in work or business is different....i dont feel that its a good idea to reveal that im a recovered alcoholic at work.
i drive some very expensive kit......and if it was common knowlege i would be in trouble....i wouldnt get work....i wouldnt get runs.
I dont know that for sure but i cant afford to test it..!!
Back when i first got sober my marriage was on a knife edge and could have easily gone up in smoke due to my drinking.
I shared my distress and concern in a meeting.......and some of what i said got back to my wife...not good and if it wasnt for my sponsor i could have got into serious trouble.....i wasnt the most stable person in the rooms for the first month or two...but it taught me a valuable lesson.
i was surrounded by drunks and i expected everyone to act perfectly...in terms of anonymity...it also taught me to confine that stuff to sponsor or therapist.
Anonymity...concerning me being a drunk......it doesnt apply to me because everyone...yes everyone knows my history...only to well.
Anonymity in work or business is different....i dont feel that its a good idea to reveal that im a recovered alcoholic at work.
i drive some very expensive kit......and if it was common knowlege i would be in trouble....i wouldnt get work....i wouldnt get runs.
I dont know that for sure but i cant afford to test it..!!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
North -
Some people ... just suck.
While for many people anonymity is vital,
when I hear of incidents like this,
I remember what I read in
Richard Bach's 'Illusions'
from the 'Messiah's Handbook':
'Live yourlife
so that anything you say
and anything you do
could be published around the world -
even if it isn't true.'
Point is ,
although it may make some problems for you -
when you become solid in your sobriety -
it shows.
And I think you'll find that in the long run -
knowing you're sober ... potential customer-speaking...
... is an advantage.
Some people ... just suck.
While for many people anonymity is vital,
when I hear of incidents like this,
I remember what I read in
Richard Bach's 'Illusions'
from the 'Messiah's Handbook':
'Live yourlife
so that anything you say
and anything you do
could be published around the world -
even if it isn't true.'
Point is ,
although it may make some problems for you -
when you become solid in your sobriety -
it shows.
And I think you'll find that in the long run -
knowing you're sober ... potential customer-speaking...
... is an advantage.
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