new and introducing myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 13
new and introducing myself
hi everybody. i think im in the right spot, maybe you can let me know if i'm not?
i just left my ex a bf (trying to use your abbreviations!) about a month ago. we were dating for about 3 years. i knew the day after i moved in with him that he had a serious problem, but he cleaned up his act for about 6 months, and i spent the rest of the relationship waiting for him to get sober again. it was always like the next big step would "allow" him to get sober...graduating college, moving, working, not working, seeing his family, not seeing his family. it was always something new that prevented him from getting sober.
long story short, we moved from the east coast to Los Angeles together and he got a million times work. constant drinking day and night, he didn't work, didn't bathe, wouldn't eat unless i cooked and physically brought him food, lied to me, constant yelling and freaking out at me, and eventually began abusing me. it took its toll really hard on me. i got really sick, lost weight, gained weight, got into a lot of debt, etc.
in january i decided to definitely move home back east. in april i started making travel arrangement. i was giving him time to get a job, get his own place, and time for me to save. in retrospect, i should have left immediately, but i was worried about him not paying rent on the apartment where both our names were on the lease. so the end of june, i pack my car and get ready to leave and he is in hysterics, like this is a surprise i'm leaving! it was so hard. he kept calling me for days as i drove across the country asking me to come back, saying he would go to AA, really stop drinking, etc. well i didn't come back, and he did go to AA and has been sober for about 30 days.
part of me regrets not going back to him when he said he'd get clean. part of me knows i need to heal from all the things he put me through. do any of you have this problem where your ex gets sober and you feel resentful and confused about your choice? but a huge part of me knows he probably wouldn't have ever gotten sober if i stayed.
he's told me i should try al anon and talk to other people in my situation. im kind of nervous and im not sure if its the right place for me being that we are no longer together, we are just friends, and living across the country from each other.
i just went to my doctor today and told him and was looking for a therapy referral. he seemed very eager to put me on medication, but i feel like reading everyones stories and insights is way more helpful.
please tell me if leaving gets easier?
i just left my ex a bf (trying to use your abbreviations!) about a month ago. we were dating for about 3 years. i knew the day after i moved in with him that he had a serious problem, but he cleaned up his act for about 6 months, and i spent the rest of the relationship waiting for him to get sober again. it was always like the next big step would "allow" him to get sober...graduating college, moving, working, not working, seeing his family, not seeing his family. it was always something new that prevented him from getting sober.
long story short, we moved from the east coast to Los Angeles together and he got a million times work. constant drinking day and night, he didn't work, didn't bathe, wouldn't eat unless i cooked and physically brought him food, lied to me, constant yelling and freaking out at me, and eventually began abusing me. it took its toll really hard on me. i got really sick, lost weight, gained weight, got into a lot of debt, etc.
in january i decided to definitely move home back east. in april i started making travel arrangement. i was giving him time to get a job, get his own place, and time for me to save. in retrospect, i should have left immediately, but i was worried about him not paying rent on the apartment where both our names were on the lease. so the end of june, i pack my car and get ready to leave and he is in hysterics, like this is a surprise i'm leaving! it was so hard. he kept calling me for days as i drove across the country asking me to come back, saying he would go to AA, really stop drinking, etc. well i didn't come back, and he did go to AA and has been sober for about 30 days.
part of me regrets not going back to him when he said he'd get clean. part of me knows i need to heal from all the things he put me through. do any of you have this problem where your ex gets sober and you feel resentful and confused about your choice? but a huge part of me knows he probably wouldn't have ever gotten sober if i stayed.
he's told me i should try al anon and talk to other people in my situation. im kind of nervous and im not sure if its the right place for me being that we are no longer together, we are just friends, and living across the country from each other.
i just went to my doctor today and told him and was looking for a therapy referral. he seemed very eager to put me on medication, but i feel like reading everyones stories and insights is way more helpful.
please tell me if leaving gets easier?
Last edited by mystolenshoes; 07-29-2009 at 07:51 PM. Reason: typos!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I like your screen name, unique!
You're in the right place. This forum is for "friends" and "family members" of alcoholics. You are the friend of an alcoholic in recovery. You still fit. Same is true with Al Anon meetings. You qualify as a friend of an alcoholic "whether they are still drinking or not" as stated in their literature.
I attend Al Anon meetings, and read self-help books and spend time here at SR almost daily. I am divorced from my alcoholic husband. My X is now in recovery, 120 days sober and working the steps with a sponsor. We are friends who support each other in our own recovery programs.
I need the support of friends here and at meetings to help me work on myself. I realize that I am co-dependant and a fixer. I was making myself crazy trying to control everyone's life and actions, and neglecting my own needs.
It sounds like your life had gotten too crazy and you did something healthy for yourself. Good!
Please read and post as much as you need. I recommend reading some of the sticky notes at the top of this forum. You will see many similarities in our stories.
Welcome!
I like your screen name, unique!
You're in the right place. This forum is for "friends" and "family members" of alcoholics. You are the friend of an alcoholic in recovery. You still fit. Same is true with Al Anon meetings. You qualify as a friend of an alcoholic "whether they are still drinking or not" as stated in their literature.
I attend Al Anon meetings, and read self-help books and spend time here at SR almost daily. I am divorced from my alcoholic husband. My X is now in recovery, 120 days sober and working the steps with a sponsor. We are friends who support each other in our own recovery programs.
I need the support of friends here and at meetings to help me work on myself. I realize that I am co-dependant and a fixer. I was making myself crazy trying to control everyone's life and actions, and neglecting my own needs.
It sounds like your life had gotten too crazy and you did something healthy for yourself. Good!
Please read and post as much as you need. I recommend reading some of the sticky notes at the top of this forum. You will see many similarities in our stories.
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Beautiful Oregon
Posts: 36
Hi!
I am new here, too, and just want to give you the same warm welcome that I received. ***Welcome!*** I've only been posting here a few days but the support & insights I have gotten already have made such a tremendous improvement in my outlook, I can't even express it in words!
As I am new and still with my AH of 16 years, I don't have too much advice for your particular situation but I can say that just reading everyone's stories here will make you realize that what you are going through is a practically universal response to the alcoholism of your loved one, that you are not alone, and that al-anon is for YOU, not for how to help HIM!
I applaud your decision to move on and to do what you felt was right for YOU and also in resisting the medication- what I have received here could never be bottled and sold in a pharmacy. Best wishes!
I am new here, too, and just want to give you the same warm welcome that I received. ***Welcome!*** I've only been posting here a few days but the support & insights I have gotten already have made such a tremendous improvement in my outlook, I can't even express it in words!
As I am new and still with my AH of 16 years, I don't have too much advice for your particular situation but I can say that just reading everyone's stories here will make you realize that what you are going through is a practically universal response to the alcoholism of your loved one, that you are not alone, and that al-anon is for YOU, not for how to help HIM!
I applaud your decision to move on and to do what you felt was right for YOU and also in resisting the medication- what I have received here could never be bottled and sold in a pharmacy. Best wishes!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 11
Your feelings are totally normal! I'm in the divorce process and very candidly said to my doctor "what iif he finally gets sober and I miss out on it"? And my doctor said - "great for him - and I hope 10 years from now he's still sober and you're married to someone else and have a huge happy family". He expanded by adding that even if my husband did get sober and stayed sober for years that I would likely never be free from fear because of the emotional trauma I had already been through. It's a valid point. I wish happiness, sobriety and peace for my husband - I just can't be there for it. I miss him (the sober him) but I always know what I'm coming home to now, I don't feel compelled to search the house for alcohol, I know I can make as many social plans with friends as i want and won't have to call and make up some reason to cancel. My home is my own. My life is my own. There is great happiness in that kind of peace. And there will be love again -
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hi mystolenshoes! im not a doc. but i can tell you what i lived. i started going to therapy, crying, etc but my suffering lasted months. i went to a doc for another reason and he gave me antidepressants. they helped me cope in a very stressful time. then after a few months i got another wave of unbelievable pain and was put on antidepressants once again. i believe you can give a shot on healing by yourself (well with alanon, sr, therapy, books, walks etc) and you will notice if you get better, or if you need a second opinion.. but its worth trying to heal without meds or anything. meds numb your feelings too- i think its healthy to feel whatever you feel with the intensity you do. its how we humans heal...
if you live far away now you will heal much faster! it was the best decision, really it was, and time will prove you were right.congratulations!!!!!!!!!! i know how diff it is to leave an alcoholic, they can be so charming and deceitful.
i can tell you my ex did not get sober, he drinks the same amount or worse, and i still feel very resentful towards him. i guess the hurt comes more from the past abuse than to what they do now. there are words and phrases that hurt you at the very core. i know it will take many more months or even years to forgive and forget.
be good with yourself and patient, and remember being patient is not doing anything, its doing as much as you can to feel better and go through this and keep being your own best friend and tell yourself "its ok, whatever i feel NOW. its ok. just another passing show"
glad to meet you, welcome!!!!!!!
if you live far away now you will heal much faster! it was the best decision, really it was, and time will prove you were right.congratulations!!!!!!!!!! i know how diff it is to leave an alcoholic, they can be so charming and deceitful.
i can tell you my ex did not get sober, he drinks the same amount or worse, and i still feel very resentful towards him. i guess the hurt comes more from the past abuse than to what they do now. there are words and phrases that hurt you at the very core. i know it will take many more months or even years to forgive and forget.
be good with yourself and patient, and remember being patient is not doing anything, its doing as much as you can to feel better and go through this and keep being your own best friend and tell yourself "its ok, whatever i feel NOW. its ok. just another passing show"
glad to meet you, welcome!!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by newgirl77 
I miss him (the sober him) but I always know what I'm coming home to now, I don't feel compelled to search the house for alcohol, I know I can make as many social plans with friends as i want and won't have to call and make up some reason to cancel. My home is my own. My life is my own. There is great happiness in that kind of peace. And there will be love again -
So true. I felt relief from that immediately. I get to see my friends, decorate my room how I want, not be worried about leaving things around for him to puke on (yes has happened before! ugh), and yes used to search my house for endless nip bottles! My first night in my apt (I'm living in a 2 bedroom with roommates/friends who are a couple) I was freaking out my door didn't have a lock! Then I realized I didn't need a lock on my door anymore, no one was going to come in in the middle of the night waking me up. I miss the sober times, but dealing with all the above stuff is just complete madness. Thank you for for the reminder!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
hi mystolenshoes! im not a doc. but i can tell you what i lived. i started going to therapy, crying, etc but my suffering lasted months. i went to a doc for another reason and he gave me antidepressants. they helped me cope in a very stressful time. then after a few months i got another wave of unbelievable pain and was put on antidepressants once again. i believe you can give a shot on healing by yourself (well with alanon, sr, therapy, books, walks etc) and you will notice if you get better, or if you need a second opinion.. but its worth trying to heal without meds or anything. meds numb your feelings too- i think its healthy to feel whatever you feel with the intensity you do. its how we humans heal...
if you live far away now you will heal much faster! it was the best decision, really it was, and time will prove you were right.congratulations!!!!!!!!!! i know how diff it is to leave an alcoholic, they can be so charming and deceitful.
i can tell you my ex did not get sober, he drinks the same amount or worse, and i still feel very resentful towards him. i guess the hurt comes more from the past abuse than to what they do now. there are words and phrases that hurt you at the very core. i know it will take many more months or even years to forgive and forget.
be good with yourself and patient, and remember being patient is not doing anything, its doing as much as you can to feel better and go through this and keep being your own best friend and tell yourself "its ok, whatever i feel NOW. its ok. just another passing show"
glad to meet you, welcome!!!!!!!
if you live far away now you will heal much faster! it was the best decision, really it was, and time will prove you were right.congratulations!!!!!!!!!! i know how diff it is to leave an alcoholic, they can be so charming and deceitful.
i can tell you my ex did not get sober, he drinks the same amount or worse, and i still feel very resentful towards him. i guess the hurt comes more from the past abuse than to what they do now. there are words and phrases that hurt you at the very core. i know it will take many more months or even years to forgive and forget.
be good with yourself and patient, and remember being patient is not doing anything, its doing as much as you can to feel better and go through this and keep being your own best friend and tell yourself "its ok, whatever i feel NOW. its ok. just another passing show"
glad to meet you, welcome!!!!!!!
yes the distance helps a lot! im working on getting myself all the self healing tools, so far have a gym membership, but next I need to go to barnes & noble and get a ton of coda books and other guides!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
That's a great plan, mystolenshoes!!
Please read around on this board, too, because it will show you a fundamental part of the equation: Many (not all, but many) alcoholics will do or say whatever it takes to get you back. Once you're back and they have their nice comfy enabler again, it doesn't take long to revert back to their old behaviors.
Thirty days, in the big scheme of sobriety, is a drop in the bucket. Maybe not even that - maybe just a fine mist
You don't even know for certain that he's going to AA, or even that he's sober (we have all heard the promises, the lies, the stories...it's part of the manipulation)
And yes, it does get easier. As you focus on your own life, on your own dreams, on your own growth ---- you realize that your life is much, much bigger than that sick mess you left.
Give it some time. Treat yourself tenderly. Learn all you can.
Welcome!!
Please read around on this board, too, because it will show you a fundamental part of the equation: Many (not all, but many) alcoholics will do or say whatever it takes to get you back. Once you're back and they have their nice comfy enabler again, it doesn't take long to revert back to their old behaviors.
Thirty days, in the big scheme of sobriety, is a drop in the bucket. Maybe not even that - maybe just a fine mist
You don't even know for certain that he's going to AA, or even that he's sober (we have all heard the promises, the lies, the stories...it's part of the manipulation)And yes, it does get easier. As you focus on your own life, on your own dreams, on your own growth ---- you realize that your life is much, much bigger than that sick mess you left.
Give it some time. Treat yourself tenderly. Learn all you can.
Welcome!!
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