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I have been lurking here for a while...

Old 07-29-2009, 05:25 PM
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I have been lurking here for a while...

I have been looking on this site for a while, but this is my first time posting. I have known it for a while, but was afraid to admit it, but I am a alcoholic. This has been progressing for a number of years, and I am not sure how I let it get to this point.

Growing up, my Dad always had a few (probably 6) beers after work, and I came to think of that as normal in my mind (having drinks after work). The strange thing is, I was the kid who never drank - all through high school and college. I was (and am) very shy, and always found it difficult to make friends. I did not start to begin to enjoy alcohol until I was working in my twenties - going out after work with colleagues, that kind of thing, and found that I of course was less shy. At that point it was beer (Bud Light mostly), and this continued from my mid twenties to mid thirties. Back then, I lived in Massachusetts and cannot believe the number of times I got behind the wheel of a car. I have been in New York City now for over 10 years, so it has been the subway - but if you are drunk on the subway, that can hold it's own dangers as well.

In August 2001, I had gastric bypass surgery, and lost over 100 lbs. Prior to the surgery, I was a total virgin - never even kissed anyone. I say this because I began to date - and that usually involved meeting for drinks more times than for coffee. I started drinking cosmopolitans (still what I like), which are a lot more potent than the Bud Lights. After a couple years, I did meet someone, and we moved in together; his father was an alcoholic who died from it, so he had never had a drink in his life. Our biggest fights were around this issue - I liked to make a drink as I cooked dinner, and he would get upset about it - he would smash bottles, or one time even after we had broken up he emptied every single bottle in the house while I was exercising. I did begin to drink heavier towards the end of the relationship - he is from Brazil, and is not out to his Mother (whom he is very close to). For his Christmas present, I brought her over to visit - she stayed with us for 2 months in a 1 bedroom apartment. I did not speak Portuguese, she did not speak English, he would leave me alone with her on the weekends, and I think that was kind of a turning point with the drinking - the total loneliness (even when he was here we could not show any affection, even though I believe she knew he was gay). I think I have been drinking heavily ever since - you know the cycle - waking up with "never again" and lasting a couple of days, but surrendering to the urge (this has been going on for a couple of years now).

I have recently been laid off (although I think my drinking may have contributed partly to that decision as well), and am about to have someone I have been seeing for a couple of months move in on Friday (he also was laid off a few months ago and we are trying to consolidate finances - normally we both agree it would be too soon). He has told me he is concerned about my drinking - and so am I. I have not had a drink since Saturday (since he asked me to make one for him and his friend, so I joined in very easily). But a strange (and I hope) good thing has happened - I have been reading this book, and I did not realize one of the characters was an alcoholic until half way through. But the way the writer described what she was going through - I felt like I was punched in the gut. I could clearly see this woman needed help (like me, she was denying it) - but the talk of having rules that soon went out the window (i.e., no drinking before 6, then well, 5:30 is close, etc.), the heaves, the sweating, the sometime tremors, the theory I can stop or limit myself, going to different liquor stores - made something really click. I realize I need help. Maybe one good thing about loosing my job (which I loathed) is that I will not really have the money to drink even if I want to. I am feeling physically better now (the other night I was embarrassed about how much I sweat during the night - like he KNEW the reason - and he probably did).

So I guess that is where I stand - I feel like the detox may be almost over - but also like I need some support as well. I do not feel like drinking now, but am certainly worried that will change.

Thanks for listening - hope I did not ramble too much.

Jim
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Old 07-29-2009, 05:35 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

I am so glad you joined us here.

Denial is a huge part of addiction and I think it's great that you recognized yourself in the book you were reading. Books have been a huge part of my recovery too. It sounds like you have a lot going on - new partner living with you, losing your job, so try to not get overwhelmed. Focus on staying sober and all the rest will fall into place.
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Old 07-29-2009, 05:35 PM
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Hi Jim

A number of things in your story are true for me too - I grew up around drinking, but didn't start drinking until into my mid 20s, and I gradually found myself drinking heavily after having to give up work and breaking up with my gf....into that cycle of drinking for days til I was sick...swearing never again...and then starting again a few days later...yet I never once admitted I was an alcoholic

The good news is I'm over 2 years sober and being part of SR has been a fundamental factor in that.

Hope you stick around - change is possible!

D
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Old 07-29-2009, 05:38 PM
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Hi Jim, and welcome!! If you are looking for support, you came to the right place. I look forward to reading your posts.

Cathy
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Old 07-29-2009, 05:48 PM
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Hello and welcome to the SR community.

The support that will help you to stay focused on your
sobriety can be found at any A.A. or N.A. meeting daily.
We are a wonderful community here because we care,
but this is no substitute for actual face to face sharing.

i hope that you keep coming back & begin to make progress.
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Old 07-29-2009, 05:52 PM
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Brooklyn!

That brings back memories... *sigh*

What a great story and first post.
I hope you'll continue to post, and since you say you've been sluking, I'm guessing you're already read the information on the stickies at the top of the forums.

Have you considered a 3-D program of recovery support as well?

I mean, you're right at the heart of AA country.
Can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone going to a meeting in NYC, hon.
Although I don't recommend the cat thing,
I do recommend checking out AA.

Welcome!!!!
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Old 07-29-2009, 05:57 PM
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Hi Jim... Welcome to SR!!

I don't have much to add, I hope you'll hang around... What was that book? I like to read and since my recovery I really enjoy books with that as a theme.

Have you read "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs? If not, I highly recommend it.

Mark
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Old 07-29-2009, 05:59 PM
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Welcome to SR! Lots of support here and lots of people who understand your position. I'm glad you found us and joined the family.
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Old 07-29-2009, 06:13 PM
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Thank you for all your posts. I have read "Dry" a number of years ago. I probably should re-pick it up - I was not really drinking that much at the time I had read it (or at least that is my recollection).

The book that I read was "The Perfect Man" by Marian Keyes. I should warn you that it is a chick lit book. She was (or is) an alcoholic herself - a fact she has on her own website. But I am so very glad I read it.
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Old 07-29-2009, 06:21 PM
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Welcome, I'm so glad you found this site. It's such a sense of relief when you first find SR and realise you're not alone anymore.

I have met so many beautiful, caring, non-judgmental people here and you will too.

This forum is helping ME to save MY OWN life, it will help you too.

Blessed Be my new friend,

Faerie
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Old 07-29-2009, 08:46 PM
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Welcome to SR Jim. I'm glad you found us. There is such a wealth of experience and support here. Stick around and keep posting!
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Old 07-29-2009, 09:07 PM
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It's very courageous of you to look at yourself and your behavior and take the first steps in recognizing that you need to make some drastic changes in your life.

I remember not-so-fondly those days of the silly alcohol rules I made (then later broke) to convince myself I didn't have a drinking problem, including the "don't drink until after 5 o'clock. Admitting that my drinking was causing me problems and that it was controlling me and not the other way around was an enormous leap for me. I hope it can be for you also. That you came here and admitted you have a problem and solicited support seems to me that you are on the right path.

Good for you and I hope you keep coming here and look into other real life support, like AA or whatever suits you best. You don't have to do this alone.
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Old 07-30-2009, 06:18 AM
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Welcome Jim,

You have come to the right place. You will find lots of support here. I do believe that everything happens for a reason so reading that book was a good thing. You would be lucky to stop at this point in your drinking career. I used to drink wine and I believe my downfall started with cosmos. I am a year sober now and they can still be triggers for me when I see one. My husband still drinks and it will be harder if your partner is drinking but it is very doable. Good luck and keep reading and posting.
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Old 07-30-2009, 10:31 AM
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I just got back from my weekly session with my psychiatrist; we had kind of talked about my drinking briefly in the past (but I had acted like it was no big deal), but told him this morning of what really has been going on. He talked a little about AA (which admittedly I do not know much about, but had always kind of put me off a little bit) - and before I even told him that he broached that subject - that some people are a little put off because of the higher power/God aspect of it (growing up gay and being brought up Roman Catholic with the parochial school has pretty much turned me off religion); also that some people are turned off by the "you have no control over it" aspect. But he said, being in NYC, there are tons of different kinds of meetings geared towards differing aspects of it. I guess I have to try and find the right one.

Tomorrow is moving day - so there is lots for me to do here. I am nervous about it; I have not told my b/f about this yet. He drinks a little, but for right now I would prefer not to have alcohol in the house (there is some here - but no vodka, which would be my downfall). But I want to try and focus on the sobriety and I think the relationship and job search pieces will fall into place more easily.

Again, thank you for all your help and support.
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Old 07-30-2009, 10:39 AM
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welcome Jim

this place is great for advice and inspiration


Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look at what they can do when they stick together.

together we can beat the demon drink


from er Jim baldjim

YouTube - Staind - Its Been A While (lyrics)
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Old 07-30-2009, 10:43 AM
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Jim, sounds like you're on a really good path.

I have been sober for almost a year, and not a drop of alcohol has been in my house, nor will it be. This has to be my safe place, and I don't live with anyone who has issues with alcohol, so it's never been a big deal.

Welcome!
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Old 07-30-2009, 10:57 AM
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I was in rehab for 2 months. My roomate there was/is from Manhattan, and gay. Grew up catholic and had some series issues with the whole higher power thing. We would talk alot about it.

I've talked to him a few times since rehab... He has a few AA meetings in the city that he really likes... There are one or two meetings around here that are listed as gay, or GLBT...

Whatever you do, you can do anything, except drink. Be happy.

Mark
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Old 07-30-2009, 11:51 AM
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Hi Jim and welcome I think the job search and starting a new job will be much easier for you if you maintain sobriety. Actually, everything becomes easier and more rewarding. Glad you signed up and I hope you stick around.
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Old 07-30-2009, 07:28 PM
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My best friend came over tonight - I had not told him what is going on. He brought over wine for both of us - and I told him about working on being sober. I told him it was ok for him to have his red wine - but that I was abstaining. And I did. And it felt good.
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Old 07-30-2009, 07:52 PM
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You should do it! Get sober. It is amazing. Wonderful. Another good narrative book, a memoir, about alcoholism which resonated with me that is well written is called Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. If the book is inspiring change, I suggest this one to you. Books have been a major part of my recovery. Especially in the early part. I identified so much with things talked about and it was actually a great relief.

Another thing I was thinking about when I read your post was that there may actually be a link between your gastric bypass and alcoholism. I don't exactly know what I am talking about but in a way gastric bypass is like antabuse for food addiction. The thing is that American society doesn't really view food issues as an addiction that needs on going attention— it is usually viewed as a lack of willpower. This is very contrary to how alcoholism is viewed in most recovery models, where it is thought of as chronic and a disease. Well, my point is that I don't think it is common for there to be group support for food addiction issues post gastric bypass so in a way you could have shifted that addictive energy towards alcohol. I actually think that I have read somewhere that it is common for people to have gastric bypass and then develop alcohol problems (but I have to look this up to confirm, I just am remembering this, I could totally be wrong).
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