Im drinking again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 17
Im drinking again
I got 19 days, but im back drinking again. I had 5 beers Saturday, 4 beers Monday, 4 beers Tuesday, 4 beers today. My life is not great, i have not worked in 3 years and i have not had a girlfriend for years either, in fact i have not even had a decent friendship for years. Its quite a stark contrast aged 21 off to one of the top 10 uni's in England for my field, a sporty guy who had a large circle of friends of who could of had girlfriends given abit more confidence. Now im just a bloated overweight anxious, depressed drunk who can hardly bring himself to look people in the face.
Living at home with my parents has become unbearable. All i can hope for now is i get funding through my local council to get a place in a 3-6 month rehab where i can rebuild my life. Im also in the process of finding a place privately away from my parents living with them has become unlivable, i feel completely and utterly smothered living with them, and it kills my mum seeing me go through this when she lost her dad and brother to booze.
You can start preaching to me all you want but if you even knew half the isolation and loneliness i have endured over the years maybe you would understand. To be an almost recluse and have neither friendships or girlfriends has been to much to take.
Living at home with my parents has become unbearable. All i can hope for now is i get funding through my local council to get a place in a 3-6 month rehab where i can rebuild my life. Im also in the process of finding a place privately away from my parents living with them has become unlivable, i feel completely and utterly smothered living with them, and it kills my mum seeing me go through this when she lost her dad and brother to booze.
You can start preaching to me all you want but if you even knew half the isolation and loneliness i have endured over the years maybe you would understand. To be an almost recluse and have neither friendships or girlfriends has been to much to take.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I'm not gonna preach to you NH.
I will say I bet my story trumps yours tho.
In the end, for every one of us here, there's a million excuses to drink.
I still have most of mine - but I don't drink.
It took me a lot of drinking to get to that - be smarter than I was, please.
I hope you get your 3 month rehab - but rehabs not a magic bullet, NH.
We both know that. You need to want to stop so badly that you want to
go out and find other healthier choices.
You can do that now - today.
How about stopping now and making tomorrow a no booze day?
D
I will say I bet my story trumps yours tho.
In the end, for every one of us here, there's a million excuses to drink.
I still have most of mine - but I don't drink.
It took me a lot of drinking to get to that - be smarter than I was, please.
I hope you get your 3 month rehab - but rehabs not a magic bullet, NH.
We both know that. You need to want to stop so badly that you want to
go out and find other healthier choices.
You can do that now - today.
How about stopping now and making tomorrow a no booze day?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Hi NewHorizon,
I'm glad you're bad.
Alcoholism can take everything from us and leave us with nothing, no question about that. I wonder if you are ready to make changes in your life, besides stopping drinking, to help your recovery? I think getting a place of your own is a good start.
I'm glad you're bad.
Alcoholism can take everything from us and leave us with nothing, no question about that. I wonder if you are ready to make changes in your life, besides stopping drinking, to help your recovery? I think getting a place of your own is a good start.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
If you keep drinking then this will always be your life. Your story sounds nearly identical to mine.
I am off to the job centre to sign on in the next hour, I have been unemployed for way too long now also and it don't do anything for my self-esteem. The friends and girlfriends situation is also identical to myself. I also went to a top-ten Uni upon leaving schol with great gcse and A-level results.
I was THE guy at school who everyone envied, who was cool, intelligent and a gifted guitarist/musician. Over the past 3 years I have wallowed in mistakes I've made and really tortured myself about depression I have suffered stripping away all of the confidence and humour that I once oozed. I used drink/drugs heavily throughout all of this period to try to find that 'something' back.
It used to really eat at me when people would tell me how they thought that I was gonna do great things, yet I am unemployed and not currently in a band, as I have not been able to seriously "push" on with my music due to the knowledge that inevitably drink and drugs will strip me to a person no-one want's to be around.
However I have stopped wallowing in "what could have beens" and starting living by the "It is what it is" philosophy and the knowledge that if I want to become "The main man" again then I have to totally abstain from drink.
I hope you can realise that the only way you can become "The Man" that you used to be again is by putting the drink down as I know for me that it is predominantly "The cause and solution to many of my problems" from age 18 onwards.
All the best mate. x
I am off to the job centre to sign on in the next hour, I have been unemployed for way too long now also and it don't do anything for my self-esteem. The friends and girlfriends situation is also identical to myself. I also went to a top-ten Uni upon leaving schol with great gcse and A-level results.
I was THE guy at school who everyone envied, who was cool, intelligent and a gifted guitarist/musician. Over the past 3 years I have wallowed in mistakes I've made and really tortured myself about depression I have suffered stripping away all of the confidence and humour that I once oozed. I used drink/drugs heavily throughout all of this period to try to find that 'something' back.
It used to really eat at me when people would tell me how they thought that I was gonna do great things, yet I am unemployed and not currently in a band, as I have not been able to seriously "push" on with my music due to the knowledge that inevitably drink and drugs will strip me to a person no-one want's to be around.
However I have stopped wallowing in "what could have beens" and starting living by the "It is what it is" philosophy and the knowledge that if I want to become "The main man" again then I have to totally abstain from drink.
I hope you can realise that the only way you can become "The Man" that you used to be again is by putting the drink down as I know for me that it is predominantly "The cause and solution to many of my problems" from age 18 onwards.
All the best mate. x
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Now im just a bloated overweight anxious, depressed drunk who can hardly bring himself to look people in the face.
You can start preaching to me all you want but if you even knew half the isolation and loneliness i have endured over the years maybe you would understand. To be an almost recluse and have neither friendships or girlfriends has been to much to take.
Do you REALLY want to stop drinking?
If you REALLY do then do not sit and wait for a rehab to come open!
TAKE ACTION!!!!!!
Can you make a phone call? If you are willing to begin with that ACTION you can start your journey into recovery, you can find friends who understand what you are going through right now, friends that have been where you are at and have found a way out!
Now I will warn you though, they did not sit and wait for recovery to be provided to them, they took ACTION!
Pick up the phone and ring up your local AA hotline, find out where there are meetings you can attend.
No excuses, if you do not have transportation I can assure you that folks in AA would be honored to swing by and give you a ride to and from meeings.
No excuses, if you are drunk it does not matter, drunks are more then welcome in AA meetings as long as they act respectfully of others.
No excuses, do not want to talk at an AA meeting? You do not have to say a word unless you want to.
No excuses, there is only one requirement for AA memebership.... A desire to stop drinking! That is it!
No excuses, don't like rules,well there are none!
No excuses, can't afford dues or fees? There are none.
No excuses, you do not need to beleive in any religion or God, you pick your own!
No excuses, don't want to say a prayer? Don't, that simple.
Please do not sit on a pity pot and cry "Woe is me!" while you drink your self into oblivion, you are more then worthy and deserving to find a new life with peace and serenity.
If you want fellowship then AA is the place, we do not care who you are, what you look like, where you are from. AA is simply one alcoholic helping another alcoholic to get and stay sober and live life to the fullest.
What do you have to lose by going to 20 AA meetings?
Drinking time?
Being alone?
What do you have to gain by going?
A new life if you want it!
Sobriety!
A smile?
Friends, real ones, not drinking buddies.
Self esteem.
Peace.
Serenity.
Try 20 meetings, if you do not like them then I can assure you that your misery you traded in can be cheerfully be refunded at any pub or store that sells spirits.
Hannitized
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 353
Originally Posted by NewHorizon25 
I got 19 days, but im back drinking again. I had 5 beers Saturday, 4 beers Monday, 4 beers Tuesday, 4 beers today. My life is not great, i have not worked in 3 years and i have not had a girlfriend for years either, in fact i have not even had a decent friendship for years. Its quite a stark contrast aged 21 off to one of the top 10 uni's in England for my field, a sporty guy who had a large circle of friends of who could of had girlfriends given abit more confidence. Now im just a bloated overweight anxious, depressed drunk who can hardly bring himself to look people in the face.
Living at home with my parents has become unbearable. All i can hope for now is i get funding through my local council to get a place in a 3-6 month rehab where i can rebuild my life. Im also in the process of finding a place privately away from my parents living with them has become unlivable, i feel completely and utterly smothered living with them, and it kills my mum seeing me go through this when she lost her dad and brother to booze.
You can start preaching to me all you want but if you even knew half the isolation and loneliness i have endured over the years maybe you would understand. To be an almost recluse and have neither friendships or girlfriends has been to much to take.
Living at home with my parents has become unbearable. All i can hope for now is i get funding through my local council to get a place in a 3-6 month rehab where i can rebuild my life. Im also in the process of finding a place privately away from my parents living with them has become unlivable, i feel completely and utterly smothered living with them, and it kills my mum seeing me go through this when she lost her dad and brother to booze.
You can start preaching to me all you want but if you even knew half the isolation and loneliness i have endured over the years maybe you would understand. To be an almost recluse and have neither friendships or girlfriends has been to much to take.
Seems to me that the justifications you used for drinking could better be put to use as reasons NOT to drink. Just different way of looking at things~
All the best to you! You are NOT alone!
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Re-reading your post again, I could have written that a while back, nearly to the word.
The feelings of loneliness and isolation you describe I can 100% relate to. What made it worse is that I once was the exact opposite and I just couldn't understand what was happening to me and why I just couldn't 'pull myself together'.
In your previous thread you mentioned going for a hike with 'beers in your rucksack'. Again I could have written the exact same thing. You are NOT alone in what you are thinking. I think I know where you are at the moment, maybe not exactly the same as I was, but very, very similar.
I would go out and sit on my own in the park with my backpack full of beers and drink and drink and then wonder around watching all of the college kids finishing college/school and looking all happy and I would imagine what I would have thought of myself if I could have seen myself drinking alone on a park bench and feeling so utterly lost. I felt so alone with only my beers for company, they never let me down. I had thoughts of packing my rucksack and heading to London and just meeting up with wino's and just drinking myself to death. Sheer insanity and it was at that point I knew that I had to stop drinking as it was really warping my thinking and I honestly know that if it weren't for the love and support of my parents I would definately be a 24/7 homeless drunk. To look at me you would find that astonishing and most people just don't understand the profound effect alcoholism can have on people. I am 23 and only really a heavy binger, not a daily drinker but it felt like all of the things that I was feeling but found impossible to express to people were temporarily 'cured' by drinking. Only to return much worse but still I could not see how I could give up my best friend.
You cannot see a way out at the moment without that 'release' of all the things that you are thinking and feeling that drinking gives you. It is possible and things are NEVER as bad as you think that they are. You say you hate living with your parents but it may actually be a blessing. At least you have a roof over your head and a relatively stable environment to try to see a life without booze as the only 'fun'. Try to count your blessings and not focus on all of the negative things that you feel are in your life. That is what I have to keep remembering and telling myself.
"One day at a time"
The feelings of loneliness and isolation you describe I can 100% relate to. What made it worse is that I once was the exact opposite and I just couldn't understand what was happening to me and why I just couldn't 'pull myself together'.
In your previous thread you mentioned going for a hike with 'beers in your rucksack'. Again I could have written the exact same thing. You are NOT alone in what you are thinking. I think I know where you are at the moment, maybe not exactly the same as I was, but very, very similar.
I would go out and sit on my own in the park with my backpack full of beers and drink and drink and then wonder around watching all of the college kids finishing college/school and looking all happy and I would imagine what I would have thought of myself if I could have seen myself drinking alone on a park bench and feeling so utterly lost. I felt so alone with only my beers for company, they never let me down. I had thoughts of packing my rucksack and heading to London and just meeting up with wino's and just drinking myself to death. Sheer insanity and it was at that point I knew that I had to stop drinking as it was really warping my thinking and I honestly know that if it weren't for the love and support of my parents I would definately be a 24/7 homeless drunk. To look at me you would find that astonishing and most people just don't understand the profound effect alcoholism can have on people. I am 23 and only really a heavy binger, not a daily drinker but it felt like all of the things that I was feeling but found impossible to express to people were temporarily 'cured' by drinking. Only to return much worse but still I could not see how I could give up my best friend.
You cannot see a way out at the moment without that 'release' of all the things that you are thinking and feeling that drinking gives you. It is possible and things are NEVER as bad as you think that they are. You say you hate living with your parents but it may actually be a blessing. At least you have a roof over your head and a relatively stable environment to try to see a life without booze as the only 'fun'. Try to count your blessings and not focus on all of the negative things that you feel are in your life. That is what I have to keep remembering and telling myself.
"One day at a time"
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 246
Here's a simple fact that I've learned from SR during my 80 days of sobriety: Drinking problems get worse, and drinking makes other problems worse. In fact, there is no problem that drinking won't make worse.
On my worst days, I tell myself, at least I'm sober. And I really truly mean it. I'm dealing with a miserably individual at my job right now who's really making my life hell, but the thought of drinking to cope with or forget about that problem is almost laugh-aloud funny to me right now. This individual is not worth wrecking my sobriety.
Give sobriety another whirl, NewHorizon, not to test yourself, not to experiment, not for a set amount of time – but for life. You can do this, and you've got a network of people here at SR who want to help.
On my worst days, I tell myself, at least I'm sober. And I really truly mean it. I'm dealing with a miserably individual at my job right now who's really making my life hell, but the thought of drinking to cope with or forget about that problem is almost laugh-aloud funny to me right now. This individual is not worth wrecking my sobriety.
Give sobriety another whirl, NewHorizon, not to test yourself, not to experiment, not for a set amount of time – but for life. You can do this, and you've got a network of people here at SR who want to help.
Its time for bed
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Undisclosed Location
Posts: 343
You post sounds like one I've read before. I hope you get the help you need.
I remember my dark days too... bad days still happen now... but they can be dealt with responsibly.
Good luck
I remember my dark days too... bad days still happen now... but they can be dealt with responsibly.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
Posts: 105
You poor pitiful thing :-)
How is the pity pot serving you today? Is it helping you reach your goals and dreams or is it helping you avoid living a life you absolutely love?
What are you afraid of?
What is standing in your way of loving the life you have?
There is support that is effective and efficient in moving beyond victimland...
Much love and light to you!
~Cheryl
How is the pity pot serving you today? Is it helping you reach your goals and dreams or is it helping you avoid living a life you absolutely love?
What are you afraid of?
What is standing in your way of loving the life you have?
There is support that is effective and efficient in moving beyond victimland...
Much love and light to you!
~Cheryl
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Originally Posted by kwigers
You poor pitiful thing :-)
How is the pity pot serving you today? Is it helping you reach your goals and dreams or is it helping you avoid living a life you absolutely love?
What are you afraid of?
What is standing in your way of loving the life you have?
There is support that is effective and efficient in moving beyond victimland...
Much love and light to you!
~Cheryl
How is the pity pot serving you today? Is it helping you reach your goals and dreams or is it helping you avoid living a life you absolutely love?
What are you afraid of?
What is standing in your way of loving the life you have?
There is support that is effective and efficient in moving beyond victimland...
Much love and light to you!
~Cheryl
This can be very therapeutic and I feel on a recovery site such as this, should not be scorned upon, and could well help him on his journey when he reads back in future what he posted. I know I read back some journals that I wrote in my darkest hours where I was full of self-pity and that helps me greatly as I remember what it was like to be in that lonely place.
I feel for the man, and there were many times when I felt similar to how he's feeling. when people told me to pull myself together and what are you afraid of, it just made me feal worse because I just did not know. Depression is a complex thing and I know my thinking was very irrational and did not have any clarity as I just could not think outside the box and see a way out of the dark place that I was in.
All the best man and my only advice would be although it may not seem like it, the drinking will only keep you in the place that you are in at the moment, but if you feel that you must drink as you are feeling 'that' low then that's up to you.
I ain't gonna preach to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST
The guy is just letting his feelings out.
This can be very therapeutic and I feel on a recovery site such as this, should not be scorned upon, and could well help him on his journey when he reads back in future what he posted. I know I read back some journals that I wrote in my darkest hours where I was full of self-pity and that helps me greatly as I remember what it was like to be in that lonely place.
This can be very therapeutic and I feel on a recovery site such as this, should not be scorned upon, and could well help him on his journey when he reads back in future what he posted. I know I read back some journals that I wrote in my darkest hours where I was full of self-pity and that helps me greatly as I remember what it was like to be in that lonely place.
I was not meaning to scorn him at all. I honestly believe the pity pot is a great place and offers one many gifts. It can often be the place of deep reflection and healing, I have found the gift of surrender, and acceptance in the pity pot! There is nothing wrong with it.
I was simply reflecting what I heard..."poor poor me. " I would guess most of us have spent some quality time on the pity pot - it can feel wonderful and safe to be there rolling around in the deep muck, while avoiding whatever it is we are afraid to deal with in life:-)
For me, it can become deadly if I am not aware I am there on (the pity pot), or have slowly simply slipped in without noticing. It can become deadly, especially if I do not notice until I am up to my neck in the muck
...at that point, it is easier to drown then to crawl up, simple law of gravity.
I feel more supported if someone throws me a life line then when they crawl in with me... thats just me though. It may be different for you.
Much love and light!~Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hola New Horizon
Read Tazman'a post again and again, print it out! I sat on that ******* pity pot for ages, it actually gets quite comfortable!
You've got to stop isolating, this crap thrives on that! Get to some meetings, even if you don't want to and make yourself hang around for 5 mins after, people will be only too glad to talk to you if you ask what sort of books should i be reading or an introduction question like that! I looked everywhere and it is the only place you can go and sit with a bunch of people with the same struggles as you, wanting to get or keep what you want. You don't need to be alone with this or figure out a way to feel less alone, it's already been around for years in AA:-)
That being in a room surrounded by people and feeling alone is the worst thing, i could only do it for so long before i thought **** it and just isolated myself. It's really sad man but you have Taz's post for the solution...good luck!
Do it today, before or after a beer doesn't matter but start looking at where the local meetings are, maybe make that phone call, get to see where they have the meetings...
Read Tazman'a post again and again, print it out! I sat on that ******* pity pot for ages, it actually gets quite comfortable!
You've got to stop isolating, this crap thrives on that! Get to some meetings, even if you don't want to and make yourself hang around for 5 mins after, people will be only too glad to talk to you if you ask what sort of books should i be reading or an introduction question like that! I looked everywhere and it is the only place you can go and sit with a bunch of people with the same struggles as you, wanting to get or keep what you want. You don't need to be alone with this or figure out a way to feel less alone, it's already been around for years in AA:-)
That being in a room surrounded by people and feeling alone is the worst thing, i could only do it for so long before i thought **** it and just isolated myself. It's really sad man but you have Taz's post for the solution...good luck!
Do it today, before or after a beer doesn't matter but start looking at where the local meetings are, maybe make that phone call, get to see where they have the meetings...
Sobriety in technicolor
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 98
[QUOTE=NewHorizon25;2313652]My life is not great, i have not worked in 3 years and i have not had a girlfriend for years either, in fact i have not even had a decent friendship for years.... off to one of the top 10 uni's in England for my field, a sporty guy who had a large circle of friends of who could of had girlfriends given abit more confidence. QUOTE]
If you try to find your worth in girlfriends, friends, jobs, sports, you will never find fulfillment. It has to start with you.
I feel your pain. I know that isolation and despair - believe me I do. Please go to a meeting. It will be hard at first, but it will get easier. Not only will you be welcome, but you will be the MOST important person in the room. I promise.
Every journey begins by putting one foot in front of the other. ((HUG))
If you try to find your worth in girlfriends, friends, jobs, sports, you will never find fulfillment. It has to start with you.
I feel your pain. I know that isolation and despair - believe me I do. Please go to a meeting. It will be hard at first, but it will get easier. Not only will you be welcome, but you will be the MOST important person in the room. I promise.
Every journey begins by putting one foot in front of the other. ((HUG))
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Actually I regret writing that tallcactus.
I have no business or right in judging anyones elses story - I certainly have no place in comparing it to mine or anyones else - and I apologise for that to New Horizon. My bad.
I will get around to writing my story and posting it in the Stories of Recovery forum tho - thanks for the reminder TC
D
I have no business or right in judging anyones elses story - I certainly have no place in comparing it to mine or anyones else - and I apologise for that to New Horizon. My bad.
I will get around to writing my story and posting it in the Stories of Recovery forum tho - thanks for the reminder TC
D
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