Just when I think I "get it", I don't
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 75
Just when I think I "get it", I don't
Hi,
Thank you all for your replies to my clarifying post.
I think I get it, and then each of you has written something (different) that makes me say "Oh ya! What about THAT factor?"
For example, I suppose I am looking at getting sober and staying sober as the main event...as if any subsequent relapses after the first "measurable period of sobriety" as Jon so aptly put it, will be just little blips in an otherwise sober-from-now-on person.
Maybe because I have not been a long-time experiencer of A and drinking and such, it seems just so difficult to realize the predicament he is in can recur again and again or begin again after being sober for even a long time. he seems to be the type of person who masters successfully whatever he does so it is easier to me to see him "curing alcoholism" as a hobby, than being stuck in it himself. Who knows.
It is difficult to go from constant contact with A through phone calls, e-mails and visits, to just some e-mails. I hate it because I miss him, and the two of us kind of fell for each other big time this summer-like SPLAT! Plus I don't like that there are no guarantees--like let's meet next year at your one year mark of sobriety. just when we were making plans, now we're not. I was supposed to go back to Texas tomorrow. So, yes Emotional Meg, I do have a vested interest in more ways than caring in that I want us to have a relationship.
I am going to start going to Al-Anon meetings. I actually work in my "location" city yet live 70 miles from it. So, on work days, between 12-hour shifts most of the time, and commuting, there is nothing else that I can manage. I have Thursday and so far this weekend off so I am going to see what I can find.
Have most people here had a relationship with their A where he/she gets and stays sober for a long time and then relapses? Or is it more that it takes a while to really stop drinking and then it is more smooth sailing? Or, what is it really like?
Thanks!
Thank you all for your replies to my clarifying post.
I think I get it, and then each of you has written something (different) that makes me say "Oh ya! What about THAT factor?"
For example, I suppose I am looking at getting sober and staying sober as the main event...as if any subsequent relapses after the first "measurable period of sobriety" as Jon so aptly put it, will be just little blips in an otherwise sober-from-now-on person.
Maybe because I have not been a long-time experiencer of A and drinking and such, it seems just so difficult to realize the predicament he is in can recur again and again or begin again after being sober for even a long time. he seems to be the type of person who masters successfully whatever he does so it is easier to me to see him "curing alcoholism" as a hobby, than being stuck in it himself. Who knows.
It is difficult to go from constant contact with A through phone calls, e-mails and visits, to just some e-mails. I hate it because I miss him, and the two of us kind of fell for each other big time this summer-like SPLAT! Plus I don't like that there are no guarantees--like let's meet next year at your one year mark of sobriety. just when we were making plans, now we're not. I was supposed to go back to Texas tomorrow. So, yes Emotional Meg, I do have a vested interest in more ways than caring in that I want us to have a relationship.
I am going to start going to Al-Anon meetings. I actually work in my "location" city yet live 70 miles from it. So, on work days, between 12-hour shifts most of the time, and commuting, there is nothing else that I can manage. I have Thursday and so far this weekend off so I am going to see what I can find.
Have most people here had a relationship with their A where he/she gets and stays sober for a long time and then relapses? Or is it more that it takes a while to really stop drinking and then it is more smooth sailing? Or, what is it really like?
Thanks!
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Smooth sailing? Nah, don't think so.
There are many A's that have relapsed after many many years sober. If it were easy to get sober and stay sober, well, there wouldn't be much need for a site like this.
But your focus needs to be on YOU, not on your A and his recovery or chances of staying in recovery. There are no guarantees. He could stop drinking today and never drink again, or he might never stop drinking.
Good for you for finding al-anon meetings to attend!
Hugs,
JG
There are many A's that have relapsed after many many years sober. If it were easy to get sober and stay sober, well, there wouldn't be much need for a site like this.
But your focus needs to be on YOU, not on your A and his recovery or chances of staying in recovery. There are no guarantees. He could stop drinking today and never drink again, or he might never stop drinking.
Good for you for finding al-anon meetings to attend!
Hugs,
JG
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
hey Boo,
(I feel like I should say "Boo!" Boo lol)
Don't be so hard on yourself girl... It is very difficult to let go of the fantasy that all will be OK. My AH has been "working" on his recovery for over a year and a half now; he has had 90 days sober here, 60 days there... currently he has made it to almost 5 months. I still get carried away thinking that he is "cured"
Well put!
See thats just it! It CAN'T be the main event; the be-all end-all. Not only is that a HUGE and unfair pressure for him to live up to, but it is a shaky foundation on which to put the relationship.
I suppose in a sense I see your situation as a "gift"... If I had known of the disease my husband suffered from BEFORE we got married and had kids, I may have been able to seek out my recovery first. Of course, I'd like to say "I wouldn't have married him!"... but that would be unrealistic. I DO love this man - alcoholic or not.
Take care Boo,
Meg
(I feel like I should say "Boo!" Boo lol)
Don't be so hard on yourself girl... It is very difficult to let go of the fantasy that all will be OK. My AH has been "working" on his recovery for over a year and a half now; he has had 90 days sober here, 60 days there... currently he has made it to almost 5 months. I still get carried away thinking that he is "cured"
For example, I suppose I am looking at getting sober and staying sober as the main event
See thats just it! It CAN'T be the main event; the be-all end-all. Not only is that a HUGE and unfair pressure for him to live up to, but it is a shaky foundation on which to put the relationship.
I suppose in a sense I see your situation as a "gift"... If I had known of the disease my husband suffered from BEFORE we got married and had kids, I may have been able to seek out my recovery first. Of course, I'd like to say "I wouldn't have married him!"... but that would be unrealistic. I DO love this man - alcoholic or not.
Take care Boo,
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
The possibilities are endless.It goes far beyond the simple question of whether he'll drink again or not.
Suppose for a moment that he does....
He could lose his drivers license,maybe for years.Will you be willing and able to taxi him around? To work,if he still has a job? To meetings if he chooses or is court ordered to go? To the probation officer and the outpatient appointments?
He could drink and drive.Maybe wipe out a family.Maybe go to prison.Will you wait for him then?
He could end his own life.Accidently or on purpose.He could take you and any children you may have together with him.This is a particular danger if he smokes.My life was nearly snuffed out by a mattress burning drunk who was sleeping in my basement.I was 8 months pregnant at the time.Will you take your chances?
These are things to think about.Only you can decide whether you want to risk all that for a man you've known only a short time.And for one who has advised you himself to forget him.No one can predict the future,but this really seems like a long shot at best.
phoenix
Suppose for a moment that he does....
He could lose his drivers license,maybe for years.Will you be willing and able to taxi him around? To work,if he still has a job? To meetings if he chooses or is court ordered to go? To the probation officer and the outpatient appointments?
He could drink and drive.Maybe wipe out a family.Maybe go to prison.Will you wait for him then?
He could end his own life.Accidently or on purpose.He could take you and any children you may have together with him.This is a particular danger if he smokes.My life was nearly snuffed out by a mattress burning drunk who was sleeping in my basement.I was 8 months pregnant at the time.Will you take your chances?
These are things to think about.Only you can decide whether you want to risk all that for a man you've known only a short time.And for one who has advised you himself to forget him.No one can predict the future,but this really seems like a long shot at best.
phoenix
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Boo
I say this with love in my heart....stop trying to manipulate the future by second guessing it. You have to ask yourself what this relationship has given YOU, besides a brief romance. All you are getting out of it is fear, insecurity, the need to manipulate by forcing a relationship where he has indicated there is no longer one, and heartache. And this is how it is one a good day. Imagine how it would be on a bad day.
What you feel is not love, but the need to be loved and that is codependency at it's peak.
Please, please, please, go to meetings and learn about codependency and YOU. You don't have to go through life feeling this pain. You're lucky to be young and new at this. Most of us have lived under that dark cloud for most of our lives.
You have asked many questions here, and your questions are more than welcome, but they also say a lot about where you are right now. If you re-read all the questions you have asked, you will see that they are all about him and how to get him to care, and how he will be or not be, and should you go to where he is.
The bigger question that begs to be asked....What about YOU? What are you prepared to do to let go of your addiction to him?
These are the questions you need to ask if you ever want to relieve the pain you are feeling. Please stop for just one day and think only about you.
Hugs
Ann
I say this with love in my heart....stop trying to manipulate the future by second guessing it. You have to ask yourself what this relationship has given YOU, besides a brief romance. All you are getting out of it is fear, insecurity, the need to manipulate by forcing a relationship where he has indicated there is no longer one, and heartache. And this is how it is one a good day. Imagine how it would be on a bad day.
What you feel is not love, but the need to be loved and that is codependency at it's peak.
Please, please, please, go to meetings and learn about codependency and YOU. You don't have to go through life feeling this pain. You're lucky to be young and new at this. Most of us have lived under that dark cloud for most of our lives.
You have asked many questions here, and your questions are more than welcome, but they also say a lot about where you are right now. If you re-read all the questions you have asked, you will see that they are all about him and how to get him to care, and how he will be or not be, and should you go to where he is.
The bigger question that begs to be asked....What about YOU? What are you prepared to do to let go of your addiction to him?
These are the questions you need to ask if you ever want to relieve the pain you are feeling. Please stop for just one day and think only about you.
Hugs
Ann
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
(((BOO)))), Please listen to Ann and the others on this thread...You were given a life to live that only you can live....You have a whole life ahead of you...
BUT like Ann has said, you yourself talk more about him than you do about you...Where is the true Boo? Will She please stand up? What is she feeling? What does she need in her life?
Is she really here at all....
Please give yourself the greatest gift you can; Find a meeting and go....There you an find fellowship, understanding, and friendship like you deserve.....You also can find yourself....
Consider yourself HUGGED!
BUT like Ann has said, you yourself talk more about him than you do about you...Where is the true Boo? Will She please stand up? What is she feeling? What does she need in her life?
Is she really here at all....
Please give yourself the greatest gift you can; Find a meeting and go....There you an find fellowship, understanding, and friendship like you deserve.....You also can find yourself....
Consider yourself HUGGED!
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Boo,
Can you SEE the addiction here? The issue that YOU truly need to be concerned about?
When our lives begin to waver and our emotions are based on and our lives consumed by the problems of another... WE are walking the path of codependancy.
HE cannot make you happy; even if he were SOBER... and everything you HOPED he would be; you would still be unsatisfied.
Everything that you want and all the happiness and fullfillment you desire is not in his hands; its in yours.
Take this time to figure out what Boo needs...
Like Daffodil said... "Will the REAL Boo please stand up?"
Take care
Meg
The bigger question that begs to be asked....What about YOU? What are you prepared to do to let go of your addiction to him?
When our lives begin to waver and our emotions are based on and our lives consumed by the problems of another... WE are walking the path of codependancy.
HE cannot make you happy; even if he were SOBER... and everything you HOPED he would be; you would still be unsatisfied.
Everything that you want and all the happiness and fullfillment you desire is not in his hands; its in yours.
Take this time to figure out what Boo needs...
Like Daffodil said... "Will the REAL Boo please stand up?"
Take care
Meg
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