First Born
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
First Born
After reading the thread about JT's pearls, it made me wonder how many of us "strong" ones are first born.
How many of us have always been the one that everyone else has depended on our whole lives? How many of us have helped everyone else through their problems? How many of us wonder why no one else takes care of us? Maybe it is because everyone thinks that we don't need anyone to take care of us because we are so good at taking care of them and we are "strong" enough to take care of ourselves. If we don't let our weaknesses and needs be known, how will anyone know that we need to be taken care of occasionally?
Anyone care to weigh in on this subject? Will the first borns please stand up!!!!!!!!
Jo
How many of us have always been the one that everyone else has depended on our whole lives? How many of us have helped everyone else through their problems? How many of us wonder why no one else takes care of us? Maybe it is because everyone thinks that we don't need anyone to take care of us because we are so good at taking care of them and we are "strong" enough to take care of ourselves. If we don't let our weaknesses and needs be known, how will anyone know that we need to be taken care of occasionally?
Anyone care to weigh in on this subject? Will the first borns please stand up!!!!!!!!
Jo
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
I'm one of those "strong" first-borns. 
To hear my parents tell the story, not only did I raise myself, I took care of them too. My mom loves to say that I was never young, I was always a little old lady with an old soul.
Even now, my parents, especially my dad, come to me for comfort. People depend on me to be dependable. No one has ever really taken care of me, in an emotional sense. And since I'm used to that, letting my weaknesses and needs be known is very foreign to me. I don't even know what I need half the time.
But I do know this: No one will ever be able to take care of me the way I want them to, so I guess it's up to me to do it for myself. And, that's ok. It doesn't mean the people around me are lacking in compassion, are overly selfish or self-absorbed. It just means they put themselves first, which is something I need to do. Besides, it's a nice change to be able to take care of me and not worry about others!
To hear my parents tell the story, not only did I raise myself, I took care of them too. My mom loves to say that I was never young, I was always a little old lady with an old soul.
Even now, my parents, especially my dad, come to me for comfort. People depend on me to be dependable. No one has ever really taken care of me, in an emotional sense. And since I'm used to that, letting my weaknesses and needs be known is very foreign to me. I don't even know what I need half the time.
But I do know this: No one will ever be able to take care of me the way I want them to, so I guess it's up to me to do it for myself. And, that's ok. It doesn't mean the people around me are lacking in compassion, are overly selfish or self-absorbed. It just means they put themselves first, which is something I need to do. Besides, it's a nice change to be able to take care of me and not worry about others!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Southwest USA
Posts: 23
My AH and I are also both the youngest of our families (I am the youngest of seven!). I actually think youngest kids would tend to be the ones who want to be caretakers once they reach adulthood -- my older sisters spent so much time taking care of us younger kids, when they grew up they were tired of it! One sister even elected not to have ANY kids as a result of having to be responsible for her younger siblings growing up.
I think being the youngest made me more anxious to be the one taking care of people, rather than being taken care of. In my mom's family, there were fourteen kids, and the youngest daughter is the one who worries over everyone, tries to help everyone, etc. (she also spent ten years married to an alcoholic). My mom, who was the oldest, relinquished her role as caretaker as soon as she moved out of her parents house.
Birth order is an interesting thing...thanks for bringing this topic up!
I think being the youngest made me more anxious to be the one taking care of people, rather than being taken care of. In my mom's family, there were fourteen kids, and the youngest daughter is the one who worries over everyone, tries to help everyone, etc. (she also spent ten years married to an alcoholic). My mom, who was the oldest, relinquished her role as caretaker as soon as she moved out of her parents house.
Birth order is an interesting thing...thanks for bringing this topic up!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
I am the youngest of 11 and much the caretaker. My mom is pretty old, 80 and she's starting to slip a little. I'm thinking I may have to apply for power of attny. in the next year. I'm not looking forward to it because I don't know how far along I'll be in this recovery and worried that I won't have enough time or energy to take good care of her.
I miss my sisters SO much. It was very unfair to lose them so young. They were strong and bold and had the best stories and laughter. They also, unfortunately, were my only support system ever. They were very hard on me and put up with no bullcrap but they were always there to pull me up when I fell down. All I had to do was call. (They were 49 and 52 when they passed from colon cancer) I have other older siblings still living but I wasn't very close to them because I was the last child born. My Dad was a tyrant and they all kind of spread out and moved on once they grew up and married. There are 7 of us left.
Now, it seems that what's left of the family that is still in my life is my responsibilty for the most part...my poor Mom. Sad to say, she's still pretty much taking care of two of my older brothers. One is paranoid schizophrenic and the other is a heroin addict.
OH JOY right?
I miss my sisters SO much. It was very unfair to lose them so young. They were strong and bold and had the best stories and laughter. They also, unfortunately, were my only support system ever. They were very hard on me and put up with no bullcrap but they were always there to pull me up when I fell down. All I had to do was call. (They were 49 and 52 when they passed from colon cancer) I have other older siblings still living but I wasn't very close to them because I was the last child born. My Dad was a tyrant and they all kind of spread out and moved on once they grew up and married. There are 7 of us left.
Now, it seems that what's left of the family that is still in my life is my responsibilty for the most part...my poor Mom. Sad to say, she's still pretty much taking care of two of my older brothers. One is paranoid schizophrenic and the other is a heroin addict.
OH JOY right?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am youngest of 3, and the only girl. I think we did a poll on this once and found that we fell into many different slots. The answers here seem to reflect that also. Lot's of "only child"'s too.
Hugs
Ann
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
I am the oldest of two and my husband is the youngest of seven.
His five older sisters loved taking care of him when he was younger. I think he expects it from us now. He is always asking us to get him this and that. Poor guy never learned to be on his own. He went from living with a older sister that waited on him to marrying me. I tell him to get it himself alot.
Interesting how it is,
matters
His five older sisters loved taking care of him when he was younger. I think he expects it from us now. He is always asking us to get him this and that. Poor guy never learned to be on his own. He went from living with a older sister that waited on him to marrying me. I tell him to get it himself alot.
Interesting how it is,
matters
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Indiana
Posts: 7
I am the oldest of four & Ah is the middle child. He has an older brother & younger sister. He also has that middle child syndrome thing. I come from a "broken" home (my mom was an alcoholic for a LONG time during my childhood) my parents are divorced Ah's parents are still married & very good people, I truly love them as if they were my own parents.
This is interesting though...
This is interesting though...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
WOW. Jojo and Journeygal.
I thought we were anonymous. Are you sure you people arent peekin at me thru the screen? LOL. You just described me to a T.
Im an only child who was never a child. Even as a child I always felt I was more of an adult than my mother. She was always looking for someone to take care of her but she never found them despite 5 marriages. She always seemed to find broken people who took advantage of her. One was a classic alcoholic. Hit her, drank shaving lotion, pawned the furniture etc. I punched the pervert and moved out to live with my Gr Grandparents when I was 15. My mother is a pessimist with a capital P. To here her tell it not one good thing has ever happened to her in her whole life. She says Im a Polyanna. I say yep and Im proud of it. I tell her good things happen all the time. Youre just too busy complaining to notice.
My mother still remembers and complains about stuff her brother did to her when they were kids. I say let it go. Youre 74. The man is dead.
My husband is the first born and the only boy. He has two sisters. His father started out as a functioning alcoholic and progressed sownward but never to the level of my one stepfaher. I think his father hit his mother too but no one talks about it. She didnt divorce him unil after we were married.
I thought we were anonymous. Are you sure you people arent peekin at me thru the screen? LOL. You just described me to a T.
Im an only child who was never a child. Even as a child I always felt I was more of an adult than my mother. She was always looking for someone to take care of her but she never found them despite 5 marriages. She always seemed to find broken people who took advantage of her. One was a classic alcoholic. Hit her, drank shaving lotion, pawned the furniture etc. I punched the pervert and moved out to live with my Gr Grandparents when I was 15. My mother is a pessimist with a capital P. To here her tell it not one good thing has ever happened to her in her whole life. She says Im a Polyanna. I say yep and Im proud of it. I tell her good things happen all the time. Youre just too busy complaining to notice.
My mother still remembers and complains about stuff her brother did to her when they were kids. I say let it go. Youre 74. The man is dead.
My husband is the first born and the only boy. He has two sisters. His father started out as a functioning alcoholic and progressed sownward but never to the level of my one stepfaher. I think his father hit his mother too but no one talks about it. She didnt divorce him unil after we were married.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
I am first born of 4, from an abusive home, mother drank, I don't know how much. I was the Little Mama to my sister and brothers. When I was 8 I planned to run away but stayed because I was taking them all with me and I couldn't figure out how to get milk for the baby. I have been taking care of people ever since, at home and at work. I am usually an optimist.
MY AH was middle, #3 of 6 kids, his father drank, his brothers drank, everybody in town drank, that is what he told me. Then he went to Vietnam and he drank even more. He is a pessimist, especially lately.
MY AH was middle, #3 of 6 kids, his father drank, his brothers drank, everybody in town drank, that is what he told me. Then he went to Vietnam and he drank even more. He is a pessimist, especially lately.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: TX
Posts: 45
I'm the youngest of 7, and come from a very disfuncional family. I take care of my parents, stroke/surgery/therapy......My other siblings have left it to me. They have no regard to my situation, and could care less.
My AH is #4 of 5 and was bar hopping with his dad, at the age of 3, he remembers the bar maids giving him chips and soda pop, while his dad was getting drunk.
My AH is #4 of 5 and was bar hopping with his dad, at the age of 3, he remembers the bar maids giving him chips and soda pop, while his dad was getting drunk.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Sask.
Posts: 64
I think I just read about myself. I, too, am the first born. It reminded me of camping with my Dad this past July and my sister said to me that Dad will always ask me things first. Not realizing this I just sort of brushed it off. Then my sister and I were playing cards and he walks in looking for something that she brought up for camping and asked me where it is. We looked at each other and laughed. Strange how that is.
Summer
Summer
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Jo,
I can't say that I'm the first born, but I am the first born girl. There were 9 of us, but 2 baby boys born alive, didn't live long enough to come home from the hospital. My older brother which was the first born & only 20 months older than me, passed away the end of this past Dec. due to lung cancer. He never lived around the family anyway, once he was grown & so it always seemed to me & to the rest, like I was the oldest & now am the oldest, living. What you wrote, Jojo, sounded like I wrote it myself !!!!!! No one has ever been that much like me, that I've known, in thought or in deed. I was absolutely in shock when I read your post. I nearly killed myself literally, taking care of everyone, then I broke down, so to speak & then the next daughter in line took over with our Mother only & she truly is the middle child. Now, my youngest sisters are the babies of the family & are twins & they together take care of our Mother & each other. I know for a fact that if I even showed any signs of stepping up to the plate again, to take care of everyone, they would all, very instantly, drop it all back in my lap & be very happy to do so, because they still believe that it's supposed to be my responsibility. Maybe it is, but I'm not mentally or physically able right now for any of it & I usually avoid it or duck & run so to speak, until I know that I can handle it all again, if I ever can. This is a very interesting topic.
I can't say that I'm the first born, but I am the first born girl. There were 9 of us, but 2 baby boys born alive, didn't live long enough to come home from the hospital. My older brother which was the first born & only 20 months older than me, passed away the end of this past Dec. due to lung cancer. He never lived around the family anyway, once he was grown & so it always seemed to me & to the rest, like I was the oldest & now am the oldest, living. What you wrote, Jojo, sounded like I wrote it myself !!!!!! No one has ever been that much like me, that I've known, in thought or in deed. I was absolutely in shock when I read your post. I nearly killed myself literally, taking care of everyone, then I broke down, so to speak & then the next daughter in line took over with our Mother only & she truly is the middle child. Now, my youngest sisters are the babies of the family & are twins & they together take care of our Mother & each other. I know for a fact that if I even showed any signs of stepping up to the plate again, to take care of everyone, they would all, very instantly, drop it all back in my lap & be very happy to do so, because they still believe that it's supposed to be my responsibility. Maybe it is, but I'm not mentally or physically able right now for any of it & I usually avoid it or duck & run so to speak, until I know that I can handle it all again, if I ever can. This is a very interesting topic.
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