tommyk

I have this conversation with sponsees right from the start.

Honesty helps people get real, and honesty helps people succeed.

In my opinion, every person who has made the decision to stop drinking needs to be 100% honest with themselves, and others.

When a person who has made the decision to NOT drink, and then they DO drink, this is a complete 100% failure to follow through with their intentions.

(Note: this does not say the person is a failure, it says the person has failed at least once – big difference.)

The act of drinking, for a person who has made the decision to NOT drink, is not a slip, a fall, a stumble, or any other descriptive term to make the action appear acceptable and/or accidental– the act of drinking is totally contrary to the person’s intended actions. Honestly.

The act of drinking is a complete 100% failure to follow through with an intended plan, right?

Not a big deal to anyone except the person actually, right? And if they want to call it a slip, stumble, or fall, who’s place is it to argue, right?

Absolutely right – unless the person wants help.

I ask that sponsees (and I suggest for everyone else wanting help):

1.) recognize any failure to follow through with an intended plan to stop drinking.
2.) admit their failure in the particular instance.
3.) attempt to understand WHY their plan failed this particular time.
4.) NEVER attempt to minimize or rationalize the failure… NO DENIAL.
5.) ask yourself... what do you need to do differently this time?

Sounds harsh… but the sobering truth can be just that.

Just my opinion - take what we want and leave the rest.

Hudstar

Great post, thanks Tommyk. You sound like you've experienced a lot from both sides of the bottle.

Tazman53

I have never liked the term "Slip"! One "SLIPS" on a banana peel or in a patch of oil, a "Slip" does not involve making decisions.

If one drinks they have made decisions and taken actions before they drink.

1. They decide to go some where that they can get booze and they go there.
2. They make the decision to pick up what they are going to drink and they buy it.
3. They make the decision after the purchase to drink it and take the actio to open it and drink it.

The above is not a slip, it is a decision made to take multiple actions to drink.

We do need to be brutally honest with our selfs and admit to the fact that we did not accidently have alcohol jump down our throats, but we allowed insanity to once again control us.

Trust me I do understand drinking when I did not want to, I make no excuses for the fact that I was not willing to go to the doctor and be medically detoxed, I made the decision to drink to where I would not start getting sick because I was not ready to do what ever it took to get and stay sober.

Of course before I reached the point of having to drink daily I made the decision to drink again hundreds of times even though I knew it I probably would wind up with the same messed up results again, I kept lying to myself that this time will be different.

happy2balive

Thank you for this post tommyk! Much needed today
Liz

smacked

The only thing I've ever slipped on is the ice I've spilled out of the drink I chose to pour down my throat.

I too hate that term... along with 'relapse'.. makes it sound like it happens TO you, not because of you.

Thank you Tommy.. I'm also a huge proponent of personal responsibility.

bjork

Lastnight I slipped my spoon into a dessert that had alcohol in it and ate it. I didn't eat any more after that. I think that may qualify as a slip.

Sorry.....my silly humor.

Firehazard

I think that it does happen so it should have a term for it. 'Relapse' is good for me because it is a relapse into old behavior patterns or Old ideas. I can see a person using less intense words to keep from being too hard on themselves so they can come back and see if they can get it. Maybe they will get it THIS time. :horse
"Keep Coming Back"

smacked

I tend to use "I drank".

But I haven't done that for a long time.

matt88

Alot of times I think people use words like "relapse, slipup, off the wagon, etc," among recovery groups, because they think that is the vocabulary you use when talking amongst a recovery group, and not so much because they're semantically correct.

shaun00

someone said to me when i did "more research"...."have you had a slip".

i thought about that and was only too happy to call it a "slip".

because it had nothing to do with a slip....but sounded like a quick sip..

ALL my returning to drinking episodes were.. full on massive pi@s ups.

normally lasting at least a week.....on the missing list.

destroying any loved ones tentative hopes of seeing shaun back and healthy.

vegibean

And I want to add, God, or anyone else hasn't kept me sober. I have done that.

jackc

You don't need anyone else's help staying sober? I think a lot of us find that God or a fellowship can help us accomplish what we could not accomplish alone.

That statement gets me a little fired up. Forgive me. I need to be open minded about different roads to recovery. I tried to do it alone. I could not. Would not be alive today if I hadn't other people or God in my life.

How did you do it alone? Willpower?

smacked

Ditto. I work very hard at my recovery.. I am my own responsibility.

vegibean

To each his or her own. I believe in myself. I believe in the program and the 12 steps. However, every day when I wake up I do have a lot of control about what I choose or do not choose in my daily tasks. Whether I pick up a drink or not has nothing to do with God or a HP (IMO), those actions can only come from me.

As for others? I had faith in that fact that people before me had the strength to be able to be sober and stay sober. I learned from them that if they can be successful and have a life without drinking, then so could I.

There are so many different spiritual beliefs. What works for one may not work for another. We all have the same goal, to live sober and to be accountable for ourselves.

Staying with what tommyk posted, that was just a sidebar that I wanted to add from/for me.

jackc

Great! Thanks Vegi. Do people ever accuse you of not being a "real alcoholic/addict" (a term I don't know about) because you can stay clean and sober through will power?

The twelve step program is fundamentally about powerlessness over these chemicals thereby necessitating God's intervention. What do you think about that?

I'm just asking because I'm very interested. I'm hoping to be enlightened!

Dee74

I don't do AA either Jack.

I won't speak for Vegi or smacked, altho I bet they're on board with what I say here....but for me, it's not about willpower - it's about accepting I'm an alcoholic, knowing the consequences if I drink, and always trying to do my best, while always trying to find healthier ways to deal with life than drinking.

It's not willpower. It's acceptance and, yes even surrender.

I know whats gonna happen if I take rat poison - same deal for me with booze - just takes repeated applications that way.

D

vegibean

Amen Brother D.

vegibean

You know what jack, I KNOW I am a true alcoholic. I drank 24-7-365. I was so sick, couldn't function without alcohol and didn't know how I was going to live without it. It scared me to think about it.

I had to admit first that I was an alcoholic and that I needed help. I had to be WILLING to do the work. I had to be WILLING to take the suggestions of those before me that were/are successful in working a program.

I got a sponsor and I worked the 12 steps. I also got myself a sponsee and worked the steps with her. She also keeps me sober. I have to be accountable to her and set an example. How can she stay sober if I'm relapsing?

I work a program. If I'm not doing my job in recovery I can lose what I have. It takes effort on my part. It is me that decides what I do (Step 10) in my life, how I'll be accountable, what my consequences will be. I know. I've been there.

It was me that intercepted in my life where I came to the decision that I could no longer live the way I was living. It was me that put myself in a detox and homeless program and it was me that FOUGHT to get into a treatment facility because I needed help. No one put me there. Not a judge, not my family and not by getting arrested and going to jail. I had a choice and I wanted a better life for myself.

I don't want to argue the God thing with you. If that's what you believe, more power to you.

When it comes down to it I don't think it's important what you believe or what I believe but rather that we get this, work it and stay sober.

I can tell you this and it's a fact....... on the days that I feel like giving up and throwing my hands up in the air and saying "screw this!!! (I don't mean drinking either, just basically tired of fighting so hard) it's me in MY head that says "don't give up girl, you can do this, look at how far you've come? Look at all the great things you've accomplished? YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!" I cheerlead the hell out of myself. No one else is going to wake up with me every morning and tell me it's time to get to work. That's me.

Dee74

amen, sister Vegi

D

Tazman53

No my HP does not keep me sober, me making a conscience decision daily to turn my will and my life over to his care does however.

As long as I do not turn my back on him and do my will staying sober for me has been a snap, when I decide to not do the next right thing and simply do my thing I am turning my back on him and returning to my old self centered ways when I used to control (in my mind) the world around me.

My HP cares for me and lets me know what is good for me and those around me and what is not. It is my choice/will to listen to Him or not.

In step 11. through prayer and meditation I work on improving my conscience contact with my HP on a daily basis. I seek his knowledge and it is my choice/will to carry out his will or not, if I choose to do his will I am granted the power to carry that out. If I choose to not carry out his will I am left to my own devices.

I tried doing it my way with simply my will power listening to no one but me and stayed a drunk for many years.

I had to be willing, to turn it over to people and my HP who both cared for me. A willingness to listen to others & do what ever it took to stay sober are what saved my butt. Notice that I bolded the "will" part of "willing" because it was my will to do the will of my HP and to follow suggestions from others who cared for me and knew how to stay sober.

I could not stay sober alone, but we sure can, and today without a struggle. I simply exercise my will to do his will and things are a snap in comparison to when I was doing it all alone my way.