I just don't know when to give up....

Old 07-28-2009, 08:00 PM
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I just don't know when to give up....

Boyfriend got out of jail on Thursday after 29 days in jail for domestic violence (against me). I hadn't been planning on talking to him at all, but when I saw how much healthier he looked after those 29 days, and when I heard how much he reflected on how badly he had treated me in jail, I really believed him when he said all he wanted to do was concentrate on his sobriety.

We have had 4 days of absolute perfection...and I really thought he had hit his rock bottom in jail and was starting to pull himself out.

Then I get home from work at 8pm tonight, and he's in a xanax coma. Not only xanax, but he's been drinking beer on top of it. Totally blacked out right now, and completely has no idea what the heck is going on. He keeps trying to do things, like laundry, or cleaning, or going for a walk...but then forgets what he's doing and starts to pass out, only to jerk awake again in a few more seconds and get angry.

I don't understand what clicked in his head this morning to make him go out and buy drugs/alcohol. I just don't know how to deal with this anymore...
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Old 07-28-2009, 08:15 PM
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welcome to SR, and to the world of living with an addict.
Theres no rhyme or reason for the times they use..........good days bad days never really matters

Maybe you can read some of the sticky posts on the thread.......
you can't love him enough to make him stop doing this to himself but you can love YOURSELF enough to stop being there for it.

stick around others will be along soon with more advise or experience
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Old 07-28-2009, 08:39 PM
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hi, i agree with live, sorry this is happing though. hate to say it but sounds like he's not ready to quit and there is nothing you can do to change him. i'm more concerned about your safety. i do believe what they say "if he physically attack you once, he'll do it again". hope thats not true for you but i suggest you think long and hard about whether or not you want to take that chance.

i took the chance and today, i'm declared disabled. i believe my injuries stemmed from a drug induced attacked by my ah. i've pressed charges many times and each time he was released, i heard the "i love yous", the i learned my lesson and won't do it agains", well you know the rest, and each time, the attacks would be worse than the time before.

you deserve so much more and until he seeks help with his issues, i suggest you turn your focus on to yourself and let him do the same. i will keep you in my prayers
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Old 07-28-2009, 08:43 PM
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Thanks guys....it's nice to be able to come in here and vent because I know that I really cannot talk about this with family/friends right now.
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Old 07-28-2009, 09:02 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
Call 911

If he hasn't used in a month, his tolerance is down and an OD is possible.
911 would get him out, and then it's up to you to keep him out.
Ehh...I don't want to go down that route unless he gets violent, which I don't foresee.

I just wish he would pass out so I can go to bed. I don't feel right going to sleep while he's still awake.
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Old 07-28-2009, 10:31 PM
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I think the point of cynical saying call 911 is that if hes taken to much he could go to sleep and NOT wake up..........
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Old 07-29-2009, 03:57 AM
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Ehh...I don't want to go down that route unless he gets violent, which I don't foresee.


Oh? Did you foresee the other episodes of violence?? A woman here in Buffalo got her head CUT OFF by her husband. There was a history of domestic violence there....but I bet she didn't see that coming.

DO NOT STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. You can not predict his behaviors, and if he's using, he's unstable. DO NOT TRUST that you are safe.
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Old 07-29-2009, 04:38 AM
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I would highly recommend reading the following sticky:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html

My EXAH was an abuser too. Thank God I don't have to live that way anymore. He was very close to killing me in the end.
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Old 07-29-2009, 07:27 AM
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From the point of being there so many many times, I have to tell you...you will know when to give up!. It wont be when you think it will, it wont be when others want it too, and things that may happen on and off in the meantime could become so horrifying you'll never ever be able to express the words... but you'll know when its time to give up.

It likely wont even be the first, third or tenth time you say your giving up or your done, just like their puzzling addiction and seemingly out of the blue desire to use once again, but one day it ends. Through the years Ive talked to so many who held on so long, waited through jail time ect...but one day its over and everything just seems right.

After struggling for 6 years and dealing with all possibly you can deal with, with and addict and alcoholic and leaving many times, and saying i wouldnt leave again till it was really over, I collapsed on the couch and prayed incessantly probably the most sincerest I ever really had to God(who is my HP) that I surrender, I cant change things, couldnt even control myself and told God I was handing it over to him and not gonna take the problem back. That was 10 days ago...exactly 7 days later I got a call from an officer that he was being arrested on some HORRIFIC charges that if the justice system finds to be true he will be gone many many many many years. I have to tell you as much as I love my husband I was relieved in so many ways. I acted elated for atleast the first 6 hours as I danced in the front yard ( i really did). In the few dances since Im not gonna tell you it hasnt been difficult adjusting and will be for a long time.

When you are finally able to completely surrender things work themselves out.

In my situation, I cant tell you what tomorrow will bring, but I can tell you the healthier you/and I become mentally and emotionally the less chance you'll find yourself with an "ill" person.

Welcome to SR
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Old 07-29-2009, 08:47 AM
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29 days of forced sobriety in jail is not a measure of his commitment to living sober. A person convinced against there will is of the same opinion still. Most addicts who are forced into sobriety do whats necessary to get out of trouble come out and within a relatively short period of time binge. This is what we do manipulate anybody trying to prevent us from using.
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Old 07-29-2009, 09:12 AM
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If you haven't already, please take a moment to read the sticky "What Addicts Do". It sounds exaggerated when you first read it, but it could not be more true. Maybe it will help you understand how little control you have over what he does, which will take some of the burden off you.

You are not responsible for his behavior and can't control it. What I hate to see you do is try to figure out what is going through the mind of an addict. I've done that and it can drive you to the brink of insanity.

Please do what it takes to be safe and please keep posting.
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Old 07-29-2009, 09:54 AM
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Thanks for all the support and advice, everyone.

I did read the "what addicts do" thread last night and it was very eye-opening...

You're right....I DON'T have to deal with this anymore....I just don't think I have personally gotten to the point where I'm ready to give up hope. I'm going to see how things are when I get home from work tonight and then make the decision about whether or not to revoke the bond on letting him out of jail. If I revoke it, he'll be in jail for another month or so until his court hearing occurs, and then he'll be free to leave our state to move back home with his family in another state.
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Old 07-29-2009, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
Some abusers use drugs...some don't. The drugs don't make him abusive, they only intensify what is already there. Take the drugs away, and he will still be an abuser.
The thing is...the only times he has been "abusive" to me was when he was drunk or on drugs.

He's never like that sober.
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Old 07-29-2009, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by DontBurnThePig View Post
The thing is...the only times he has been "abusive" to me was when he was drunk or on drugs.

He's never like that sober.
Are you rationalizing his abuse?

For crying out loud, the guy was in jail for 29 days for domestic violence against you and here is is, back in your home, high as a kite.

Is this acceptable to you? Is the sobriety fairy going to descend and make it all better?

I don't know you, but I do know you deserve to treat yourself better than you are doing.
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Old 07-29-2009, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Are you rationalizing his abuse?

For crying out loud, the guy was in jail for 29 days for domestic violence against you and here is is, back in your home, high as a kite.

Is this acceptable to you? Is the sobriety fairy going to descend and make it all better?

I don't know you, but I do know you deserve to treat yourself better than you are doing.

I'm not rationalizing the abuse....I'm just thinking that if he could kick the habit, then he won't be abusive anymore either. I love him to death...I don't want to lose him.

I think I just want him to be better more than he wants it.
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Old 07-29-2009, 12:57 PM
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The thing is...the only times he has been "abusive" to me was when he was drunk or on drugs.

He's never like that sober.
Unfortuantely, as the disease progresses those with a tendency to be like that when drunk become more and more aggressive eventually even not using
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Old 07-29-2009, 01:12 PM
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Originally Posted by DontBurnThePig View Post
I'm not rationalizing the abuse....I'm just thinking that if he could kick the habit, then he won't be abusive anymore either. I love him to death...I don't want to lose him.

I think I just want him to be better more than he wants it.
This a called a relationship by "wishful thinking".

He's doing what addicts do and you have a front row seat to it. Sometimes you are required to participate, too.

Only you can decide when you have had enough drama and chaos, or not.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you most definitely cannot cure this.

He is going to have to find his own " rock bottom". That's unlikely to happen on you couch.

Addiction and domestic violence are progressive conditions.
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Old 07-29-2009, 01:18 PM
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We were all fooled. His family and I thought going to jail for the month was his rock bottom.

I just don't understand how he will ever learn to control himself again. It was just 2 1/2 years ago that we were still going to bars and he was never belligerent. Now he has 3-4 beers and he blacks out. Not to mention the xanax addiction and how that affects him when he mixes xanax and booze.
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Old 07-29-2009, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
he will NOT learn how to control himself while drinking or doing drugs.....addiction is PROGRESSIVE...the more you use, the longer you use, the worse it gets. always worse. there is NO cure. he can never successfully drink again. BUT HE CONTINUES TO DO SO. which means it will continue to spiral out of control and get worse and worse. his violent outbursts will become more frequent. he'll do more jail time, either for DV or DUI or the like. he may be hospitalized, he will certainly get sicker and sicker.

that's your ride if you stay with him.
I thought I was done with this when I asked him to move back to his family's state back in June. We were going to wait until his court date for a DUI probation violation (he skipped a drug test a month prior), and then he was going to move back home afterward.

So, a couple weeks after we decided to split up was when the "incident" happened that led me to call the police and put him in jail.

I wasn't going to allow him back into my home until I saw how healthy he looked at court last week. So, I bailed him out of jail (on the dom viol incident) and now he's waiting out court again. I told him he could stay with me indefinitely as long as he is a) respectful and b) sober.

Needless to say, the sobriety went out of the window yesterday, and the respectfulness followed right behind.
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Old 07-29-2009, 01:50 PM
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I want to welcome you to SR and let you know that I have also for the most part been where you are. I have said what you are saying and have thought what your thinking. I kept getting beat until my mom threw me on a plane bound for Chicago. 6 years and 1200 miles was what it took. Fast forward 15 years and I married another alcoholic/addict. This time, I was the one who was violent. I would get so mad at him for being an addict/alcoholic that I would punch him or throw things at him. I had never defended myself in the first relationship. I pushed my second husband into violence and once the line is crossed......you can never jump back over it.

I recently left my 2nd husband because he was using again after many detoxes and several rehabs. Everytime it was the last time. Every time he made some great progress and I was sure that this time was for real. Every day I waited for the other shoe to fall. Every day. If he was tired, I would think he had been using. If he woke up in the middle of the night, I was sure he was using. If he was gone too long, I was sure he was using.

I recently realized that my quality of life was a big fat zero. I had been trying to break away from him and practice recovery skills for 2 years. I had been here posting and getting the most sound advice of my life but I was very resistant to it. I was going to meetings and lining up the support I needed and now, I can say, in retrospect, I could have spared my whole family alot of pain if I had just listened and practiced what was being taught to me.

He is your boyfriend. Not to sound harsh but boyfriends are expendable. There are no legal issues for you and there are no religous ties to this man. It won't get better. It Will get worse. Addicts relapse when they are not in recovery and your boyfriend is not. You, however, can be.

Coming here is a great place to start. Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or Celebrate Recovery are good to for face to face support. You can hear other people's testimonies and feel their pain. You will know your are not alone. You will be given tools, love, sympathy and acquire the WILL to take your life back and live it as it should be lived and be treated like you deserve to be treated. It is a process and for some of us (like me), it's a long process full of frustration, bitterness, self-pity and eventually VICTORY.
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